Chapter Thirty-seven
I ’m playing with fire.
Tempting the flame to burn us both alive.
But I can’t fucking stop, I wish I could but I can’t. No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I distract myself, I end up back at that hospital, in that chair beside her bed. We don’t talk, we just sit there in silence, staring out the window. She has no idea why but the way she looks at me only reminds me of what we had. It’s not the same though, not anymore. She doesn’t remember the long nights wrapped up in one another, doesn’t recall the three words she told me or the way she kissed me.
I almost wish I could forget too. It would hurt less .
Instead, I’m haunted by one sided memories and feelings I can’t rid myself of.
She’ll be sleeping now; it’s way past midnight and I’d attempted my usual. Got into bed and laid there for hours on end, staring at the ceiling with the space beside me empty. And then I’d gotten up, got into my car and gone to the intersection where she had her accident. The skid marks are still on the road, shards of glass that were missed during the clean-up pushed up to the curbs at the sidewalk. Every single night, not a single other car crosses the intersection.
And after, I go to her house, the rooms cold now no one is living here for the moment and I’ve stood in the center of the studio, my mural across one wall, and my haggard reflection on the other. That’s where I am now, standing in the dark as rain continues to batter the city. My body aches and rebels, my muscles screaming from the strain I continue to put on them night after night and the lack of sleep is surely going to kill me. I’m not even sure how I am still standing.
Her.
My eyes stutter closed as I remember the last time we were in here, how I claimed her body in front of the mirror, how it sounded when she told me she loved me. She’s the reason I am still standing, the reason my heart continues to beat. There’s a tether between us, without her I am nothing.
How fucking tragic.
I open the text thread between me and her, scrolling through all the messages. I’ve deleted them off her phone, removing the evidence so she won’t know. But I can’t seem to let go.
But this is for the best, I know it is, if only to save her the pain. What I did was unforgiveable, what I am doing is irredeemable, purposely keeping her memories from her but if it means burning up in the ashes to keep her heart intact, then I’ll let myself implode.
Loving Savannah was my salvation, she was the reason my world continued to spin and now… she is my ruin.