Chapter 15 #3
My family was never particularly religious, not in such a devoted way, and neither is Doc Coleman, from what I know. While some of the more orthodox families living on the mountain might not like it, he’s been known to help others end unwanted pregnancies—whatever the reason—for years.
Auntie Elmira and I stay locked in intense, charged eye contact that feels impossible to break as we’re silently considering all the implications.
“What would be our options?” Hunter speaks up, his voice unsteady but tender.
“His options,” Doc says, making it clear it’s absolutely up to me, which makes my heart skip, “would be to go through with it or not. It is quite simple.”
“Simple, huh?” I murmur.
He offers me an understanding look. “From experience, the first thing that comes to mind is usually the right choice for you. Was your initial thought that you had to terminate? Then that’s probably the best. The power to end a life before it truly comes to be is only in the hands of the one who gives it.
It is your right, no matter what anyone says.
Even if it wasn’t, it’s still a monumental decision, but you likely feel a certain way about it already, and I’d advise you to follow that instinct. ”
Coleman makes sense. He’s concise and clear about it. He doesn’t speak in those weird, philosophical riddles like others often do. That shit always confuses me. This soothes me.
People like him make things easier, no matter how monumental the decision.
I glance at Auntie Elmira, who now looks as if she’s searching her own heart and mind for something.
My chest constricts with sympathy for her.
She could never have children. Had to choose to either have her reproductive organs removed or risk the high possibility of getting the same cancer Momma had.
She got it anyway, but she probably would’ve died a long time ago if she hadn’t taken the safe route of going through with that operation.
I never asked her about it in depth. About how it’s made her feel and how she’s dealt with it.
Maybe I should’ve. With every passing second, I’m seeing more and more things I should’ve thought about and paid attention to before now, and it makes me nauseous.
Overwhelmed. It makes me feel like a foolish child completely unequipped for any of this.
Stupidly, I wish Wren were here.
“If I were to give a suggestion…” Coleman starts gently, “How about we use the Doppler and look for the heartbeat? It might help you settle on what you want. Or you can leave and take some time to think about it. That’s fine, too.”
“Help me settle?” I ask hesitantly, putting my hand over my stomach. Is it what I want? I think…I think it is, but I’m worried.
“I tell people to pay attention to how they feel when I find the heartbeat. When I do, and you hear it, is your initial response excitement, joy, or discomfort and fear? My intent isn’t to sway you one way or the other.
Pregnancy, especially when unexpected, is hard, even frightening.
I understand. But the knee-jerk reaction being disappointment or happiness can reveal a lot, I think. ”
Flaring my nostrils with a deep inhale, I nod. I catch some of the Doc’s scent, faint and slightly tangy, like citrus fruit with a hint of brown sugar. When I turn back to Elmira and Hunter, they nod in unison, both of their faces soft with tender expressions of support.
“Alrighty,” Coleman says. He points to the examination table on the other side of the room. “This ain’t a proper ultrasound. Don’t have space or money for that sort of thing. And honestly, people who care about that stuff go to the hospital, anyway. But this will catch a heartbeat just fine.”
I lie down and hesitantly pull up my t-shirt.
Gods, I really have been ignoring this, haven’t I?
It’s not like looking at my stomach immediately says I’m pregnant, but the shape of it isn’t how it used to be when I was less fit and more chubby, either.
I am such an idiot…
“I’m gonna feel for your uterus before we start,” Doc says plainly and starts pressing his fingers into the middle of my stomach from down low to above my bellybutton. It feels weird, him squeezing and poking, but it doesn’t hurt.
He hums and nods to himself before he squirts a clear liquid on my stomach and pushes my pants down a tad to get better access.
He holds the main part of the machine—a bit larger than a phone—in one hand while using the other, connected by a cord.
Pressing the probe in near my pubic bone, he gently glides it around, heading upwards, toward my belly button.
The room is dead silent while he searches.
He moves the probe with exceptional care, which makes it hard for me not to hold my breath, as he seems to.
A strong, rhythmic sound comes through, but before anyone can get excited, Doc Coleman quickly speaks.
“That is your pulse. Hear? Slow. That’s called gestational flow.
Baby’s is gonna be much quicker. I felt something around here. It should be… Hmm, a moment.”
I stare at the wooden ceiling, trying not to lose my mind waiting. I’m reminded of when Wren and I lay on the bed after our activities—the ones that led to this whole predicament—when I did the same thing, feeling feather-light and tranquil.
Even without hearing the heartbeat, I guess I already know what my decision will be.
Deep down, I’m at peace, all the while knowing this will change my life forever and most likely make it a lot less peaceful than it has been. I am…content with that.
But what about Wren?
That’s a completely different story. That part of this mess is what makes me really nervous.
Everybody in the room gasps in surprise in unison when another, much quicker sound comes through the machine. It’s super hazy, but… “Is that it?” I ask, my heartbeat probably shooting up to the same speed at that moment.
Doc smiles and nods. I glimpse Auntie Elmira covering her mouth, eyes glistening with tears.
The sound cuts in and out, so Coleman moves the probe slightly to get it back. “Like I said, it’s finicky, especially this early,” he says, frowning to himself. “But that was a pretty clear heartbeat, and from the little I got, it sounded fine. The rhythm’s good.”
I look up again, tightly gripping my scrunched-up shirt.
Fuck, this is really happening.
I need to tell Wren. How am I going to do that?! Shit…
I screw my eyes shut tight, in an attempt to calm down.
I can’t just call him. ‘Hey, so, I’m pregnant.
Surprise!’ Would he be angry that I let him knot me left and right, knowing I could get pregnant?
Would he believe me that it wasn’t intentional, just me being clueless?
Would he think I’m trying to trap him or use him or something like that?
“Hmm, the fetus can wiggle around sometimes, so… Let me try here,” Coleman’s words pull me out of my head.
He moves the probe to the other side of my stomach and searches there after briefly pressing his fingers into my belly again.
“Ah.” The rapid thuds return, though the Doc looks a little perplexed.
That’s when I hear Elmira draw in an exaggerated breath, making me lift my shoulder blades off the table to look at her. “What?!”
“It’s nothing, just… Well, there is quite a history of twins in our family,” she mutters. I frown in confusion. “Your Ma and I were twins. You know that.”
“That doesn’t mean that—”
“And you were a twin, too,” she adds in a low tone.
I go stiff, staring at her with narrowed brows. It might be the pregnancy brain already kicking in, but I highly doubt I would’ve forgotten about a twin sibling I never had.
Seeing my face, she hangs her head down with a sigh.
Hunter gently massages her shoulder. “You… Ah, darling, this…is something your mother never shared with anyone. Only your father and I knew, but…when she carried you, there was another babe. It didn’t make it to birth.
Came out underdeveloped and sickly. She always blamed herself for that, for not getting enough vitamins or having enough checkups, but it wasn’t her fault.
She never wanted you to know, to…to not make you feel like you were robbed of something, I suppose. ”
I widen my eyes at her, blinking slowly. What?
“That poor babe was never going to survive, the doctors assured her, but…”
“Why wouldn’t she have told me?!” The familiar pain shoots through my chest—that pain that comes back every time I encounter something I want to tell Momma or Daddy, or ask them about, or that reminds me of them.
The pain that serves as a reminder that I will never be able to show them, tell them, or ask them. Ever.
Doc Coleman withdraws his hand with the probe and stands motionlessly next to me, as if he wishes he were invisible.
“She just told you why, Russell,” Hunter says, meeting my eyes with that firm, protective glare of his.
I squeeze the bridge of my nose and take a deep breath. Okay, okay… Now is not the time. This is something I can come to terms with later.
“It’s fine, just…alright. It doesn’t matter,” I whisper.
“So…is it possible?” Hunter continues, now aiming his words at the Doc.
He hums next to me. “Perhaps. Those heartbeats were quite far apart. You won’t know without a proper ultrasound.
That’s what I would recommend if you intend to go through with this pregnancy.
Multiples are notoriously difficult for male omegas.
Though,” he pauses, taking an account of me, “you have a good build for it. Wide hips. You could likely carry twins without too much trouble, compared to a smaller, daintier male. But I would most certainly advise getting seen and monitored in Ridgelake.”
Looks like I’m not avoiding a hospital trip after all.