Chapter 31 Bleeding Heart
Chapter thirty-one
Bleeding Heart
Istaggered through the swarm of bodies and managed to catch up to my boyfriend by a row of planters and a mostly empty waiting room. “Angel, wait. Let me explain.”
“No, I get it. People love spending time with me in bars or in bed. But an actual relationship?” He shook his head, his eyes glassy despite his wry smile.
“You must’ve been really desperate to ask me to move in.
Or maybe you thought it was just so pathetic my mom chose her boyfriend over me yet again, so you’d rescue me from my own embarrassment.
But then you realized you’d actually have to live with me, so naturally, you’re looking for a way to backtrack or limit your exposure to all of this. ” He gestured to himself.
“I want to be with you,” I insisted, devastated he could think otherwise. “But I also want what’s best for you. Right now, I’m not sure that’s me.”
Tears lined the bottom of his eyes. “You want to break up?”
“No, of course not.”
“Then why would you say that?”
“Because I’m a mess—and maybe if I wasn’t trying to take every second of your attention, you could’ve done better on your test.”
He rolled his eyes. “Come on, Tori. If we’re gonna blame anyone, it should be my mom and her boyfriend.”
“They were partially upset because I was there.”
“They don’t love it when I’m there, either,” he said.
I wiped my aching eyes. “Ugh, that’s so sad.”
His throat bobbed. “I’ve had bad nights before our relationship. I’ve messed up on tests. But I can recover from all that. I will, and I have. But I don’t know how to deal with losing you.”
“You haven’t,” I swore.
“It feels like I have. You’re trying to pull away right after you asked me to move in. That seems like someone who’s not ready for a commitment.”
I lightly touched his shoulder, and he flinched.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I just lost my job. My sister’s in labor. Of course I panicked. Mostly about finances. That doesn’t mean I want to end our relationship.”
He caressed the underside of my arm. “Life’s gonna have stress. Can I count on you to fight for us? For yourself, even?”
A fever burned through my veins. “Yes. But you have to remember that this is my first relationship too. I’m going to make mistakes and overthink things. I mean, I told you I loved you, and you haven’t said it back yet. That’s enough to make anyone anxious.”
His breath caught, and he glanced at a passersby as if frustrated they were intruding on our moment.
Oh, I didn’t want to publicly pressure him into a love confession.
I glanced away and tucked my hair behind my ear, angling my arm to cover the most vulnerable part of my chest. “And maybe you really like me but you aren’t there yet, and that’s okay.
But with everything else going on, of course I’m gonna wonder if I’m moving too fast in other aspects of our relationship. ”
“We are moving fast,” he said, his voice hoarse. “Because it feels right with you, pidge, in a way nothing else ever has.”
Tears slipped down my face.
When he said stuff like that, it made me want to fight for us all the harder.
I hugged him tightly and let out a choked laugh. “You feel good to me too.”
He squeezed my waist. “So, you’ll still make an effort to see me?”
“Of course.” I snuck a hand between us to wipe my cheeks. “Actually, I didn’t get a chance to tell you, but I just got a used car. Should make getting around easier.”
He tensed up a bit. “Was this an inheritance or did you hotwire some giveaway car at the mall?”
“Um, well, after I was fired, I had a few hours before Jen went into labor, so I asked my Dad to take me to a used car lot.”
My life sounded so surreal when phrased like that.
“Why did you want a car right away?” Angel asked.
I was fired for being late.
But that wasn’t the only reason.
“I didn’t want to rely on everyone else anymore,” I said.
“You should be able to rely on your boyfriend,” he said quietly.
I cupped his cheek. “I know I can. And I have. Too much, in fact.”
Angel hesitated; his gaze stormy. “Was it because I couldn’t drive you this morning?”
He shouldn’t blame himself for what happened at The Closette.
I slid my hand down to rest over his heart. “I need to get behind the steering wheel of my life again.”
He let out a shaky breath. “Okay, pidge. But you’re always welcome to be my passenger princess.”
“I’ll be sure to take you up on that.” I smiled at the idea of us driving into the sunset together. “We could go to the beach again when the weather's nice…and it's officially open.”
He snorted a laugh, then gently rubbed my back. “Summer’s a long way off, though. And I’m guessing we won’t be signing a lease until your financial situation’s settled.”
“No, but we can stay there as Kat’s unofficial house-sitters for a bit.” I nuzzled into his chest for the reassurance of his warmth and steady heartbeat. “I promise I’m going to get myself together. It’s just been a lot of highs and lows the past couple months.”
“Have you considered talking to your doctor about…assistance?” he asked.
I blushed and peeked at him. “As much as I enjoy your ‘personal’ examinations—”
“No, I meant your real doctor.” He laughed, trying to school his grin. “For, um, medication.”
“Oh. Do you think I need them?” I’d been so sure getting a job would help me regain my confidence. Then, Angel came along, and our time together generated ninety-nine percent of my endorphins. But I hadn’t felt quite myself since before the accident.
He shrugged. “You’ve been through a lot of extremes lately. Maybe they’ll help provide a stronger baseline until you can…swim without a floatation device.”
“That’s a good metaphor. And excellent medical advice. No wonder you’re surviving the program,” I joked.
“I got by with a little help from a friend. Or acquaintance, as she called us back then.” He booped my nose, and I laughed, wrinkling it.
“So, what would you suggest to someone going through what you have?” he asked.
I rubbed my face. “I’d probably look into a mild anti-depressant. Or anxiety treatment. And I’d recommend they hold onto their super awesome boyfriend.”
“I could sign off on that,” he said.
We kissed, snuggling and sniffling in the main hall until my stomach growled again.
I rested my forehead on his shoulder. “Ugh, I need to grab a muffin and return to Jen.”
“How many centimeters is she dilated? It could be hours before the baby comes,” he said, slowly rocking with me.
“Yeah, but the baby daddy isn’t coming, and I guess I’m the medical expert in the family.” I scrunched my nose.
Angel tightened his grip on me. “It’s probably better he doesn’t show up now. Sets expectations low.”
“Aw, Angel.”
He shrugged. “That way he won’t disappoint them.”
“Jen’s definitely disappointed. We all are, to some extent.” How could she bear to be with someone so irresponsible and rude?
I clenched my teeth and sent the guy a text with the basic information: Jen’s in labor at Westbrook General Hospital. Get in touch ASAP. Hopefully, I’d never hear from him again.
Angel strolled to the café with his arm around my waist. “Maybe you could give her my mom’s social media. She talks a lot about single mom empowerment.”
I raised my eyebrows. “Does she share cute stories from when you were a kid? Maybe I’ll want to tune in.”
He casually flexed. “I know you’re obsessed with me, pidge. Maybe it’s best we do take that step back.”
I nudged my elbow into his side. “Don’t make fun of me.”
“I’m just teasing.” He smirked.
“Oh, you mean flirting?”
“You remembered.” He beamed.
“I’ll probably remember that night for the rest of my life,” I said.
The night I finally took a chance to go after what I wanted. No regrets.
He massaged the nape of my neck, his eyes crinkling at the edges. “I'll remember it as one of the best nights of my life. And we’ve got a lot more ahead.”
I enjoyed walking side-by-side with him like this, the wall of windows and pretty planters at the hospital creating a romantic garden between hand sanitizer stations.
By the time we got food and returned to Jen’s room, I was feeling a lot better.
“Want me to come in with you?” Angel offered.
“No. My sister’s probably feeling too vulnerable to meet a stranger at this exact moment. But thank you. For everything.” I kissed him so he knew I meant it.
“I’ll see you…at home? Eventually?”
“Yeah. I’ll see you then.” I grinned.
He held the door open for me, and I braced myself for my sister’s screams as I passed through.
“Hey, how’s it going in here?” I asked, overly chipper. “I brought some broth.” One of the few things she could have.
Jen stopped pacing to lean against her bed, sweaty and flushed. “Well? Is he coming?”
“Who?”
“My boyfriend,” she demanded.
“Ah, I don’t know. I sent him a text with all the information, but he hasn’t gotten back to me yet.”
“You didn’t talk to him?” Her face contorted in pain and she gripped her belly through another contraction. “I can’t do this without him.”
“You’re stronger than you think,” I said.
And more willful too. I set the food on the side table, then took her hand and sat by her bedside, determination coursing through me.
“This is going to be hard—one of the hardest things you’ve ever done.
You’re going to be exhausted and stressed for longer than you’d like to admit.
But you are going to love and be loved more than you ever thought possible.
You’ll learn infinite ways to make both of your lives better.
And when you’re on the other side of all these challenges, you’ll wonder why you ever hesitated. Because you can do this.”
And so could I. Knowing who’d be on the other side, I was ready to face the biggest challenges of my life.
Jen looked away. “I just wanted the perfect family.”
Mom sat on the other side of her. “So did I.”
‘But you got us instead,’ I could imagine Kat joking. I really missed her in moments like this.
“None of us are perfect,” Mom said. “And although I wish we’d fight a little less amongst ourselves, I’m proud of us for fighting for what’s important.”
That ‘important’ thing was different for all of us. But we’d all metaphorically put our feet in the stirrups, held onto our loved ones, and pushed as hard as we could to make something beautiful out of the chaos in our lives.