Chapter Thirty-One
Thirty-one
Kian
I’m going to kill Cole. Slowly, painfully, and torturously.
That’s all I’ve been thinking about for the past twelve hours. Well, that and the occasional pang in my chest every time I recall Scarlett’s lips on mine.
I had half a mind to chase after her, pull her right into a hug, and just beg her to stay, to talk about it, anything to make the heartburn go away.
She was so soft, so real in my arms, and it only told me those dreams I had were a far cry from the real thing. My hands couldn’t get enough of her. I could run them through her hair and caress her smooth skin for hours if it meant she’d be tucked right there, in my arms. Right where she belongs.
I don’t have casual sex, and the last time I did, it was with Tabitha. That wasn’t my best moment, considering she had been actively stalking me and my friends, but she had been the only constant in my life. Someone who let me care for them. She made me feel useful. Like she needed me.
Scarlett’s reaction still swirls in my head, and Cole’s stupid face is still clear in my memory. It’s all wrong, nothing like it’s supposed to be.
Even on the way to campus today, I had to stop myself from driving straight to Iona. She said it was a kiss, like it meant nothing. That doesn’t sit right with me. Not when I heard the way she whimpered from every lick and stroke, bucking her hips with every word I whispered.
I hover over her name in my texts again. Then Cassie’s message pops up, a reminder about our date tonight, and my stomach sinks. It doesn’t feel exciting. It doesn’t even feel right. Not when Scarlett is still everywhere in me, her soft moans echoing in my head.
“I’d pay attention if I were you, Mr. Ishida,” Dr. Dunn scolds, bringing my attention back to the lecture I’ve been in for the past two hours.
I startle but give him a wide grin. “I can’t look anywhere else, Dr. Dunn. You’re utterly captivating.”
“So that phone in your hand must have a picture of me.”
“How did you know?” I blink at him. I think he’s warming up to me. When we’re dismissed, Dr. Dunn gestures me over to him.
“I’m sorry about using my phone,” I say immediately.
“I graded your last assignment,” he says instead. “They won’t be posted on Canvas yet, but I wanted to give you yours.”
My eyes bulge. “A minus?”
“Highest grade in the course.”
Highest grade in the course. I can’t stop staring at the assignment, even as I walk to the rink. I snap a picture while holding the test beside my face, and send it to Scarlett without thinking. I panic, but then my phone buzzes.
Scarlett: Holy shit! Congrats, Kian! Dunn never gives A’s.
A breath of relief pours out of me. And then I do something I instantly regret. I text, Can we talk about last night?
My heart beats thunder under my jersey, but then she’s already calling me. I answer on the first ring, but I barely say hello before her voice comes through.
“I’m so embarrassed.”
“Scar, you don’t need to be embarrassed.”
“I’m sorry. I just…I don’t want to complicate this, you know? I wasn’t thinking last night, and I know I didn’t say it, but you’re my best friend, too, Kian. I’ve only got one other, so this is important to me.”
I’m her best friend. Somehow it feels like rejection and acceptance all at once. Those words alone do nearly as much damage as her kiss.
“And you know, you have your date with Cassie tonight. You should focus on that. It’s important.”
It’s like bullet holes in my chest with every word out of her mouth.
The guys walk into the locker room, and when I spot Cole, he hides behind Sebastian and a few of our other teammates. Dylan’s only back for a third of practices so he’s not here today. I haven’t been able to fill him in on anything, and it’s eating away at me.
I ignore the mention of the date. “You’re important.”
“S-so we’re okay?” Scarlett asks sheepishly. “I don’t want this to be weird.”
I’m about to answer when Kilner walks in, tapping his clipboard like he does before he tries to kill us during practice. “All right, listen up, boys.”
I’m figuring out how to whisper into my phone when his gaze zeroes in on me.
“No phones. Talk to your grandma later, Ishida.”
We’ve used the grandma excuse so many times in the past, he doesn’t bother correcting it anymore. I put up two fingers, begging him for just a couple more minutes. He reacts as I expect.
“You want to be on the second line?”
“Coach.”
“Off your phone, or I’m taking it. Don’t make me feel like a high school teacher.”
I hear Scarlett’s muffled gasp on the other end of the line. “You’re at practice? Let’s talk later.”
The line drops dead before I can respond to her panicked goodbye. I’ve never met a girl so adamant that I stay focused on hockey.
I slip my phone into my bag. “Sorry.”
“It’s not his fault, his grandma is super hot.”
I glare at Cole, who ducks away. “Hey, Coach? I have a suggestion for fourth line,” I say.
“No!” Cole shouts. “Please don’t. My parents are coming to watch me play. I’m sorry, Cap.”
Kilner clears his throat, and it’s enough for us to shut up. “Since you all have so much to say today, who’s going to tell me about last night’s bar fight?”
Ah, crap.
···
Practice was brutal, and I could barely shower without recoiling in pain. I stare at the bruise forming on my abdomen in my bathroom mirror. If I weren’t so petty I wouldn’t have had this, but then neither would Cole, and he deserved it.
I’m picking up Cassie in a few hours, but I’m getting ready early.
I stopped by the library after practice, hoping to catch Scarlett studying there.
The librarian told me she’d already been there this morning and hadn’t been back.
I was planning on accidentally bumping into her there so I could get this confusing feeling out of my head.
To maybe see her before the date, as if it would give me a reason not to go.
I’ve only half buttoned up my dress shirt when Cole walks into my room with a tray of colorful cupcakes.
“What do you want?” I mutter, closing my textbook and packing my bag.
“I made you cupcakes.” He smiles with all of his teeth.
I stare at the half-crumbling, terribly iced, flat cupcakes he presents to me. “Are they poisoned?”
He shakes his head. “I don’t think Scarlett will go for me if she knows I killed you.”
He sees the look on my face and takes several steps back. “It was a joke! I’m sorry, okay? I should have never said yes to kissing her. But I didn’t even know you guys were banging.”
“We’re not,” I mutter. “I’m going out with your sister.”
He already knows about that, but I mention it just to piss him off again. It doesn’t work, though, because apparently he’s been with so many of Cassie’s friends that he doesn’t get a say in who she goes out with anymore.
“Right. So I’m off the hook?”
I take one of his cupcakes, biting into the blue frosting only to taste the salty bitterness of too much baking powder. I spit it back out.
“Good? I used your recipe.”
That makes sense. “Just for that, you’re on laundry duty for the rest of the year.”
“No way, I’m not touching those jock straps.”
I don’t listen to anything else he says when my phone vibrates, and Kiyomi’s name appears on the screen.
“Kiyomi?”
Cole leaves the cupcakes on my dresser and tiptoes out of my room, closing the door behind him.
“Hi, pip. How’s it going? I didn’t get a chance to call you since the hospital. I know that was a lot.”
“Yeah, I’m okay.” I feel out of breath suddenly, like I’m reliving that moment. Then I hear a deep male voice in the background. “Is that Joban?”
My sister and her husband have been separated for four years.
Not officially, but in every way that matters.
After my dad died she became someone else, someone who couldn’t handle not being in control.
He tried to step in when my mom’s depression got bad and when she was ultimately diagnosed with dementia, but Kiyomi didn’t let him.
I saw them fight constantly, but he still refused to leave her side until she asked him to go.
“Uh, yeah, he’s been helping with some stuff. And Mom’s condition’s been pretty consistent. We know what to expect for now.”
“I can help,” I offer. “If you want a break, I can help.”
I wait with bated breath, hoping that the next words out of her mouth are ones that tell me I didn’t ruin everything last time. That I can still see my mom and be her son without causing her more pain.
“I don’t know if that’s the best idea right now, Kian. After the last time…” She trails off, trying to say it softly, but her words deliver like a blow.
Dejection settles inside my throat, making it hard to swallow. It feels like pieces of my heart are falling away, disintegrating into the acid of my stomach. My mom doesn’t need me, Kiyomi never needs me, and the team seems to be doing great on their own.
“Okay, I gotta go, Kiyomi. I have a date.”
“With Scarlett?” she asks, and that sends me spiraling down a drain. “Mom really liked her.”
“She’s easy to like. I’ll talk to you later. Love you.”
I hang up before she can say it back. It wouldn’t feel real, not when I can’t see her when I want to, when I’m practically begging to.
So I button up my shirt and grab my keys, feeling the decision already made up in my mind. I head straight to Iona House, three hours early.