Chapter 6
CHAPTER SIX
Jenna
The next morning, I was antsy. Unfamiliar feelings zipped through my veins. At the gym, I jogged four miles—one more than my usual—and lifted heavier weights for more reps than usual, but I still didn’t know what to do with all the extra energy. Excitement. Nerves. Panic.
“What do you think, Thor?” I asked back at home as I got ready for work. “I really like him.”
Thor jumped on the bed, wagging his tail and waving his paw, beckoning me.
“Aww, you’ll always be my favorite,” I cooed, barely within hugging distance before he leapt up to hook his paws over my shoulders and nuzzle his face against mine. “I’d rather hug you any day, you silly boy. Liam did send some very sweet texts this morning, though.”
I took Thor out and gave him a treat, then headed out to work, pausing in the lobby when my phone buzzed in my pocket.
Liam: Have a great day at work.
Me: Thank you, you too. Be safe.
Liam: You be safe, too. Text me when you can. I like hearing from you.
Oh my God. He was serious about not wanting to take this slowly. I tried to rein in the hope that wanted to bubble over. There was a lot we didn’t know about each other yet. Things that could be dealbreakers for him.
I stared at the phone. How did I convey the right feeling when I had so many conflicting ones?
Me: I will, you too. Talk to you later.
Liam: Talk to you later, Jenna.
Why did the same words feel like a dismissal from me and a promise from him? I had no idea how to date.
“What’s up?” Izzy asked. “You’ve been staring at that book like it holds the answer for world peace.”
I forced a smile, trying to look casual. “Oh, just lost in my thoughts.”
Her eyes narrowed with concern, clearly seeing right through me. “Obviously. Everything okay?”
I sighed, semi-excited, semi-terrified to say it aloud. “I went out for dinner with someone last night.”
Izzy grinned, leaning across the counter. “You had a date?”
I nodded.
“Did he ask you out?”
“I asked him.” Still wasn’t sure where I’d scraped up the courage to do that.
“Good for you. Who paid?”
“He did.”
“Did he compliment you? Say anything sweet? Ask to see you again?”
A smile spread across my face. She had no idea. The sweetest compliments. And insisting we’d be dating soon far surpassed asking to see me again. “All of the above.”
“You like him.”
It wasn’t a question, but I answered anyway. “So much.”
“It sounds like he likes you too.”
“Yeah, he does.”
“He’s nice? Is he good enough for you?”
Good wasn’t even close to an adequate description for him. How could I explain, though? If I told her the things I liked most, she’d likely think he was overbearing and controlling.
For me, it was a fantasy. I loved knowing Liam was on guard more than enough for both of us.
The way he considerately asked where I wanted to sit.
The way he touched my face and gently kissed me without touching me anywhere else.
But Izzy wouldn’t understand the significance.
She had no idea what was really inside my head.
“Jenna!” she said sharply. “This shouldn’t be a hard question. Is he a good guy? Why did that make you sad?”
I looked sad? I was thinking about good things, but they were only good because I was messed up.
It was so hard to separate the good from the bad.
I just wanted to enjoy dating Liam. I wanted him to get to know the best parts of me, but also the real me, and while those felt like two different things, in reality it was just a messy tangle, and I didn’t want to be a mess.
“He’s a great guy. The best. And I’m not sad. It’s just...he’s intense. It’s already moving fast.”
Izzy frowned. “Have him come here soon so I can meet him.”
“I will. You’ll love him when you meet him.” Jeez, I was giving myself whiplash, but despite my reservations, I couldn’t pin any of it on him.
Izzy gave a noncommittal harrumph. I wanted to convince her that he really was a good guy, but she’d see it for herself when she met him.
With the way he was acting, I had a feeling that would be soon.
I didn’t like whatever she’d seen on my face, though.
Would he be insulted if he sensed the same hesitation?
Before I could say more, it was time for my first group.
The morning passed quickly, then late in the afternoon, while Izzy was running a group and I was sitting at the desk screening a cute picture book an indie author had sent for our consideration, a chill ran down my spine.
Again. This was the third time today I had the feeling of being watched.
I looked around discreetly, but like earlier, I didn’t see anyone paying any attention to me or doing anything out of the ordinary. What the heck?
It wasn’t unusual for me to worry about nothing, but I was usually fine at the library. Like any job, work could be difficult at times, but that rarely overshadowed the peace of the library. This was my happy place.
Maybe Tyler’s bombshell was making me think about Brian more than usual. Or maybe being on the cusp of dating Liam had me feeling extra sensitive. Either was possible, or maybe both at the same time was just more than I could handle. That sucked, because I really was excited about Liam.
Just in case it wasn’t in my head, though, I walked through the children’s section, up and down each aisle, checking every nook and cranny.
They’d already started to enclose the area that would be the new sensory room, and I peeled back a corner of the plastic to look in there.
No one was going to creep around near the children in my library.
I returned to the desk, relieved but frustrated and still on edge.
I finished reading the book and emailed the purchasing department to recommend it, but I couldn’t shake the feeling of being watched.
What if it wasn’t my imagination? If it wasn’t coming from anyone in the children’s area, could it be an adult looking in here at the children? I couldn’t ignore that.
I headed out to the main circulation desk, watching for anyone lurking near the children’s area. I didn’t see anyone suspicious. A book sat on the table closest to the entrance, but no one was nearby.
“Hi, Fran, how are you today?” The older librarian was as nosy as she was caring. She was the perfect person to ask.
“I’m good, sweetheart, what brings you over here?”
“Well, across from my desk there’s a poster of a duck holding an umbrella, and all afternoon I’ve had the feeling that the duck was watching me.
But then I got to thinking I should probably make sure it’s just the duck and not anyone else.
So, I was wondering if you saw anyone out here that may have been hanging around, looking into the children’s area? ”
“You’re hysterical. That imagination, that’s why the kids all love you.”
“Thanks, Fran. So, have you noticed anyone?”
“No one acting suspicious. I would’ve called Jim in security if there was. There was a gentleman reading at that table for a couple of hours.” She pointed to the table closest to the children’s area, the one the book was on. “His seat faces your desk, so maybe it was him you sensed?”
Fudge. It wasn’t in my head. “What did he look like? Do you know anything about him?”
“He was here yesterday too, near the end of the day. He took a book about the parks in San Antonio and sat at that same table until closing, and he was there for a while today. I haven’t seen today’s book yet.
Yesterday he was wearing jeans, a sweatshirt, and a hat, and today he was wearing jeans, a blue plaid shirt, and the same hat.
I didn’t get a good look at his face. He hasn’t come to the desk or checked out any books, so I don’t know anything else. ”
Crap. A hat that hid his face and a sweatshirt. A hoodie, maybe? Was I stretching it, or could he be the same person who’d given me the creeps the day before? “Do you know what kind of sweatshirt or hat he was wearing?”
Fran looked toward the table, like she was trying to remember. “I’m not sure about the sweatshirt. The hat was gray, and had a white design on it, but I didn’t get a good look, sorry. Do you know him?”
Maybe. “No, I don’t think so.”
“Did he make you uncomfortable? Do you want me to call security?”
“No, I’m sure it’s just in my head.”
“We have intuition for a reason. Trust your gut and call Jim if you feel unsure. That’s why he's here.”
Ugh, I hated when people said to listen to your intuition. Whether you wanted to call it intuition or gut, mine was all kinds of screwed up. Listening to my gut was as useful as reading tea leaves. “I’m sure it’s nothing.”
“I’ll keep an eye out for him. Can’t be too careful.”
“Thanks, Fran. Enjoy the rest of your day.”
“You too, sweetheart.”
I stood behind the seat he’d been in, careful not to touch anything he might have touched. My skin crawled at even the thought of him being there. I didn’t want to share his air, much less touch what he’d touched.
The chair was angled just out of view from the children’s area, but if he leaned mere inches to the right, he’d have a perfect view of the desk. Of me.
A San Antonio travel guide lay abandoned on the table. This table sat between the local travel guides and the entrance to the children’s area. Was it the book he wanted, or the location?
I gave myself a mental shake, trying to rein in my worry. I knew I was more than capable of blowing things out of proportion and feeling threatened by nothing, but I couldn’t tell if this was one of those times.
It probably wasn’t the same person, and even if it was, so what?
He hadn’t done anything wrong. Most people were good, and the library was an unlikely place for someone to be for nefarious reasons.
I was the one being unfairly judgmental about someone who simply came to use a public library, a privilege I deeply believed in.
I was letting him scare me, something I’d vowed not to do.
I had an epiphany a few years ago: nothing could guarantee my safety, but letting fear win would guarantee that I’d miss out on life.
That led to the three “rules” I used to stay safe without letting fear control me, and I was on the verge of breaking them all.
One: Some people are evil, but most are good, and it’s impossible to tell the difference. Therefore, assume people are probably good (but don’t let your guard down completely).
Two: You can't avoid danger without also avoiding life, so live fully (but not recklessly).
Three: Be happy. It's the only thing that makes it all worthwhile.
It wasn’t a perfect system, but it worked in most situations.
Let’s say, for example, you love swimming in the ocean, but you’re scared of sharks.
Most sharks aren’t people-eaters, so the odds of being attacked are low (rule number one).
If you don’t go in, you’re guaranteed to miss out on the fun, so go in the ocean, but don’t be reckless.
Swim with a buddy and avoid known shark-infested waters (rule number two).
And while you’re there, have fun. It's what makes everything else worth it (rule number three).
It was like that, except I was scared of men. Specifically, this man, at the moment. But most men aren’t psycho rapists, so odds were he probably wasn’t.
I couldn’t avoid the library, and I didn’t want to. I wasn’t being reckless—it’s not like I was hanging out alone in the parking lot after closing. A chill ran through me when I recalled that SUV, but it had driven away in the opposite direction, so that was probably paranoia talking.
And I was happy, so happy! I went out with Liam last night! I wouldn’t—no, couldn’t—let my issues or this guy ruin that for me.