Chapter 12
CHAPTER TWELVE
Jenna
I’d never thought about what it would feel like to be electrocuted.
Just a little, like if you stuck your finger in an outlet.
But now I wondered if it would feel like this.
Like every cell in my body was on fire. Cells that I didn’t even know existed.
And my brain was certainly fried, because I wasn’t freaking out.
I was too excited to freak out. And happy, so wildly happy.
“Thank you,” I said to Liam as he held the door open for me to step out of the restaurant. “And thank you again for dinner.”
“You already thanked me, and it was my pleasure.” The warmth in Liam’s expression sent another zap through me.
Then, as we walked through the festive square, he reached his hand out for me, and in a snap decision—see, my brain was fried—I grabbed it, lifting his arm and wrapping it around my shoulders. With his cooperation, of course, because I wasn’t moving his thick, muscley, veiny arm without his help.
I nestled into his side, slipping my arm around his back as he tightened his arm around my shoulders.
He was so much bigger than me, his thigh brushed against my hip and my head rested in the little nook where his chest and arm met.
I loved it. Nothing about it made me feel uneasy, except it wasn’t easy to hold onto his huge hand.
I shifted my hand, grasping onto just his pinky and ring fingers.
That was better. Everything about this felt right.
Not that I wanted him to let go, but if I did, I knew without a doubt that he would immediately.
He smelled good, woodsy and minty. I had no idea where or how mint grew, but if there was a small mint plant growing in a forest among the mighty, towering trees, that was how he smelled. Strong and earthy and protective, and also fresh and clean.
Liam pressed a kiss to my temple. “I like this, Firefly.”
What did he call me? “Firefly?” I asked, looking up at him.
He smiled, looking happy but serious too, as he tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “You have this light that shines from within you, brightening even the darkest night. It’s a part of you, so powerful that you don’t let anything dim it. Even in the darkness, you spread light and joy.”
Oh my God. I felt tears fill my eyes, but I couldn’t stop them.
That was beautiful and so...perfect. How could he know?
I’d never wanted to become bitter and ugly, never wanted to have a dark soul.
Even when my fear threatened to pull me under, I fought against it, working hard to stay positive and think the best of people and to enjoy life.
I loved that he saw me that way. That he saw me.
He wiped my tears away with his thumb. “Like a firefly. Can I call you that?”
I nodded, a big, trembling smile on my face. “I love it.”
“C’mere, Firefly.”
He speared his hand through my hair and slowly lowered his lips to mine. I wrapped my arms around his neck, holding onto his warmth and strength. Holding each other as close as we could get with only our hands and lips and tongues touching, we said it all with that kiss.
I don’t know how long we kissed for, and for the first time, I didn’t care who saw. I only knew that it felt good, and I wanted more.
“Liam,” I whispered, barely recognizing my own voice.
“I know, Firefly. I feel it, too.”
Then, like it was the most natural thing in the world, he put his arm around my shoulders again, and I wrapped my hand around his two fingers and nestled into his side, and this time I grabbed ahold of the back of his shirt too.
I felt safe.
Protected.
Excited.
What would it feel like to do more with him?
And then I glanced down, and my stomach dropped. A huge erection tented his pants.
I’m not scared of Liam’s penis. I’m not scared of Liam’s penis.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
His eyes searched mine, and I held his gaze—not like I wanted to look down again anyway—and tried to convey that I was okay. Because I was. Determination crept into me, and I tried to convey that too.
Fake it ’til you make it, right? Do something that scares you every day. Those were my mottos.
I was going to get over this, and I was going to do it now.
I knew Liam would be careful with me, and that’s without him knowing anything.
If he did know, he’d move so slowly we’d be moving backwards.
I didn’t want that. I needed to move things along with him, maybe even tonight before fear took root.
Before he knew, because he wouldn’t let me do anything if he knew the truth.
“You sure?”
“Yeah, I’m positive. I just…I, uh, thought I saw a big bug.”
He raised his eyebrows.
Heat flooded my face. Did he know?
“Well, even if it was big, I’m sure it’s harmless.”
Dang it, he totally knew! He let it go, though, and that’s just one more reason he was so amazing.
He semi-discreetly adjusted his pants, and we resumed our walk.
Only then did I realize how tightly I was holding onto him.
No wonder he didn’t believe I was okay. I relaxed my grip, but he tightened his, keeping me close.
I’d gotten scared of him—no, not of him.
Definitely not scared of him. Maybe because of him?
Triggered by him—by his penis—and in that moment of panic, I’d held onto him.
Because even in that moment, he still made me feel safe.
That was huge. That’s why it was going to be okay.
He made me feel safe and made my body feel electrified.
He was better than a hero on a white horse; he was a hero on a unicorn.
I just had to get the first time over with.
First time for what…I wasn’t even sure. I’d suspected it before, but now that I knew Liam better, there was no way in hell he’d accept no-touching sex.
And if I was honest with myself, touching didn’t sound so horrible with him.
I mean, it could still be horrible—I could freak out, set back years of progress, and ruin everything.
But with Liam’s warm body against mine, his strong arm around my shoulders, and his thick calloused fingers in my grasp, I had a feeling that trusting him to touch me, and even touching him, might be alright.
We followed the sound of a mariachi band back toward Liam’s car—without an erection; I did check as we were walking—and when we reached them, I pulled him to a stop to listen to the lively trio.
It felt like we’d wandered into a whole other time and place, one where everyone from children to elderly couples danced in the street.
But then jealousy and doubts threatened to ruin the moment as I watched a couple across from us, the woman in front of the man, leaning into him as they swayed to the music like they didn’t have a care in the world.
I bet she didn’t care if his penis was poking her.
Stop it, Jenna. I was here, doing more and being better than I ever thought possible.
I leaned into Liam’s side. We fit together beautifully in this perfect position where penis contact was impossible.
I pulled my eyes away from the couple and scanned the smiling crowd, focusing on how the music brought everyone together.
I was too happy to care what anyone else was doing.
Then I saw it. Chills snaked over my body and my lungs seized.
Nearly hidden in the crowd, a familiar, faded gray cap.
Snake Eyes. Between the distance, the darkness, and the people between us, I couldn't see his face or make out the hat’s logo, but it sure felt like it was him.
Not that he was the only one with a faded gray hat with a white drawing on it.
But what if it was? How? Why now, while I was here?
“What’s wrong?” Liam’s voice was harsher than I’d ever heard it before.
“Nothing.” I said quickly.
“Jenna. What’s wrong?”
I tried to force my body and voice to relax. “I thought I saw someone I knew, but it wasn’t him.” I attempted to smile at him.
“Who?”
I didn’t take offense to his demanding tone because I liked the way his arm tightened protectively around me and the way his voice and expression and tense muscles made it clear that he’d eliminate this threat—or any threat—for me.
But I couldn’t tell him. As tempting as it was to sic him on Snake Eyes, it wasn’t worth it.
I wouldn’t be able to convince Liam that even though the man looked and acted like a creep, I was probably just overreacting.
My unfounded paranoia could get Liam in trouble and cause harm to an innocent man.
If Liam knew I’d felt scared at work, he’d probably try to stop me from going or insist on following me like a bodyguard.
In trying to help me, he’d risk himself and destroy the parts of me I was most proud of.
He wouldn’t understand why I had to do the things that made me happy even when, especially when, they scared me.
No. As tempting as his protection was, I wasn’t willing to pay the price of it.
I blinked stupidly up at Liam, searching for an excuse.
“Jenna, please tell me.”
I decided to go with the truth, a version of the truth anyway, because I didn’t want to lie to him. “There’s this guy I’ve seen at the library a few times lately. I was just surprised to see him here, although he’s been reading up on local attractions, so it makes sense.”
“Who? Show me.”
I looked around, but didn’t see him. Thank God. “I don’t see him anymore. It may not have even been him.”
Liam glared at the crowd and then down at me. “Why were you scared to see him?”
“I wasn’t scared!”
He cocked an eyebrow.
“I was just surprised, but actually, I don’t think it was even the same person.” That was kinda true. Maybe.
“Keep looking.” Liam watched me, his eyes assessing, while I scanned the crowd again. I tried to keep my expression neutral, but I was no match for his super soldier spidey senses. If I saw Snake Eyes, he’d know it.
“He’s not here,” I confirmed.
“What’s going on? What scared you?”