Chapter 15 #2
Not mad, but did he think I should’ve done more to stop it?
I needed him to understand how hard it was to tell.
I closed my eyes, let myself remember. God, remembering hurt.
I opened my eyes, focused on his big hands holding mine.
So strong and safe. I let out a long breath, and when I spoke, my voice came out wooden.
“When I was ten, Brian got his license, and he took me for a ride in his new Jeep. It was stupid of me to go, but I did. He drove to an empty parking lot and told me to sit on his lap so I could drive. I tried to say no, but I ended up doing it. He pulled my legs open wide around his so he could use the pedals, and he told me to take the wheel. We drove around the lot, me steering, and him touching me. He said if I closed my legs or moved, we’d crash.
” Tears streamed down my face, but I continued.
“When I got back home, I ran to the bathroom. When I came out, everyone was laughing about how I was scared to drive with him. They said I’d love it soon.
I yelled that I never wanted to go in a car with him ever again, and they laughed harder.
Him too.” My heart pounded like it was going to break right through my chest. “I thought…I thought they knew, and they were laughing about it. It felt like I was the crazy one.”
Liam squeezed my hands, drawing me back to the present.
I pulled my hands away and swiped at my tears, then tucked my skirt tightly around my legs.
Luckily, I was wearing jeans that day. I’d stopped wearing skirts long before then.
Liam reached for my hands again, his thumbs brushing gently over my knuckles.
I shrugged. “I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t even know what to think or feel, and I think that’s what screwed me up the most. It wasn’t ever too bad—”
“It was very fucking bad, Jenna.”
I nodded. I knew he was right. Even though some people had it so much worse, if it was some other girl telling me this story, I’d agree with him.
“Yeah, I guess. It was so many little things. I can’t even remember a time when it wasn’t like that, and it seeped into every crevice of my life.
The little touches and looks and threats and uncomfortable moments and worries about when it would happen next crept into every cell of my being and every inch of my life.
I felt different and dirty and confused.
Even when nothing was happening, I was thinking about it.
It became the center of my life. Of me.”
“Threats?” He practically growled the word, and I realized I’d been staring at our hands this whole time. I looked up at him and my God, I’d never seen such fury before. His mouth was hard, his cheek was twitching, his eyes were tight and shooting fire. Yet, his touch on me had remained so gentle.
“It’s okay,” I said softly. “I’m alright.”
“It’s not okay. I want to kill them all.”
I didn’t even care that he included my parents in that. The heat of his anger was like sitting too close to a fire, snuggled under a fluffy blanket. A little dangerous, but so soothing it was worth the risk.
I leaned into Liam's side, and he held me close.
“How did he threaten you, Firefly?”
I grabbed a fistful of his shirt. “If I refused, he reminded me that his parents had a spare key to my house. That he could come into my bedroom anytime he wanted to. And...”
He smoothed a hand over my hair. “What else?”
“He-he threatened Tyler. The first time, Brian asked me to go in the pool with him, and the way he looked at me, I knew what he wanted, so I said no. He smiled and said that was fine, he could take Ty instead. I didn’t know if he’d do anything to him, but I couldn’t take that chance.
Then Tyler wanted to go, so I had to insist I wanted to go with Brian—just the two of us.
It made me sick to say that and to go with him and…
” I choked back a cry. “But I couldn’t let him be with Tyler when he was like that. I didn’t want Ty anywhere near him.”
“Firefly,” he whispered, his voice breaking, his arm tightening around me.
“Things got even worse after that because all he had to do was threaten Ty, and I’d do whatever he said. And our moms thought it was so cute that I had a crush on him, and he was such a nice boy for being so kind and patient with the silly little girl across the street.”
Liam slid his hand around my neck and pressed a long kiss against my temple. “I’m so sorry. Did anyone help you? Was he eventually stopped?”
“When I was eleven, there was one day it was really bad, and I knew it would just keep getting worse, so I worked up the nerve to tell my parents again.” Tears filled my eyes, and I dried them on Liam’s shirt.
His thumb drew circles on the back of my neck. “What happened?”
“He had a girlfriend then. He told me I was better than her at getting him off. Said when she gave him a hand job, he wished it was me instead.”
Liam muttered curses under his breath. “I want to rip him apart.”
I didn’t think he was exaggerating. Every muscle in his body was vibrating, and I knew he’d hate this next part even more.
“When I told my parents, they accused me of being jealous.”
“What the fuck?” he growled.
“They talked to his parents. Basically said I was too young to understand the feelings and closeness between us, and as the older one, he needed to be more careful. The fact that I made up such a preposterous story was proof I was too immature for the relationship that we had.”
“Jenna. Firefly. I’m so fucking sorry.”
“We still went on vacations and celebrated holidays with his family, but they did watch a little more after that. My parents loved having everyone together, loved that his family was so close. Loved that they were there to help so my parents could continue to work and go out when they wanted. They didn’t want my feelings to ruin that.
My parents went to a lot of networking events and dinners that went late into the night, so his parents would stay with me and Tyler, and he’d be there too.
I hated sleeping with him in the house, but they made me go to bed, so I’d just stay up, listening for him.
Waiting for him.” I shivered, unable to stop the memory of the last time he came in.
That was a whole different story, though, one I wasn’t getting into now.
Liam’s arms tightened around me, but he didn’t say anything.
“Even though he didn’t really do anything much at that point, he’d give me these looks like he was thinking about it, or hug me to say hello, but it was never just a hug.
He’d sit a little too close, or brush against me as he passed.
I was still always worried about what could happen, and no one cared.
I felt so powerless. I never felt safe.”
The growl that came from Liam was almost animalistic.
I leaned up to see his face. To reassure him I was okay. He slid his hand up to my head and gently pulled me back down to his chest, softly rubbing my scalp and running his fingers through my hair.
“That feels nice.”
“I’m so sorry that happened to you.”
“I’m sorry I freaked out when we hugged before. I know it’s nothing like that, and I trust you more than I’ve ever trusted anybody. My body just reacts sometimes.”
“Thank you for your trust, but you never need to apologize for how you feel.” Liam pressed a long kiss to my temple, holding me tight.
“You said he didn’t do much after your parents talked to his.
Does that mean there was more? If there’s more you want to tell me, you can.
Get it off your chest so you don’t have to worry about telling me again. ”
Nope. Not happening. Some of the worst things happened after that. Things that were more my fault. I shook my head.
“No, there wasn’t more? Or no, you don’t want to tell me?”
“Don’t want to tell you now,” I said in a pitifully small voice.
“That’s okay, Firefly. Whenever you’re ready, I’ll be here.” He blew out a heavy breath into my hair. “Now, how about some apple pie a la mode?”
“That sounds great.” I tried to match his lighter tone. “And then I want a rematch. No more questions, though.”
“You got it. But I’m ready for you now.” He forced out a fake chuckle, and I appreciated his effort even though it fell flat.
I needed a break. A separation from that conversation and what I wanted to do with Liam next.
His harsh reactions were immediate and certain.
He never even considered that my parents were right.
And no matter how angry he got, it never affected the gentle way he held me.
I had no doubt that he’d show that same care and self-control when we were together.
He’d never get so caught up in his own pleasure that he’d be oblivious to me being caught in a panic.
I just needed a break, and then I wanted to feel what it would be like to let go and be with him.
“Ha! I won!” It was close, but with the board almost full, he’d had no choice but to give me the opening I needed.
“Very impressive.”
I grinned. It was hard to wrap my head around how good the night had been.
How amazing Liam was. I told him everything—well, almost everything—and we’d gotten right back to enjoying ourselves.
No weirdness. It felt like a million pounds had been lifted from my shoulders.
“Want to go relax on the couch for a while?”
“It’s late, Firefly. I should take you home.”
I glanced at the clock, shocked to see it was after one in the morning. I guess I’d have to wait for another day to see if I’d be less jumpy when we touched now that he knew. “It is late, but I drove here, remember?”
“I’m driving you home.”
“It’s fi—” The determination and tenderness etched into his face made it clear I wasn’t going to win that argument. And to be honest, his concern felt so good, it was an argument I was happy to lose.
“Okay, but how will I get my car back? I’ll need it Monday morning.”
“One sec.”
Liam pulled out his phone, and after a couple of messages back and forth, he declared it was no problem. “We’ll take your car, and Ryan will pick me up and drive me back home.”
“Thank you, but that’s really not necessary.”
“There’s no way I’m leaving you to get home yourself, not at this time of the night, and not when you’re rattled, like you probably are. We could take care of the car tomorrow, but you should have it in case you need to go anywhere.”
Part of me wanted to insist I’d be fine, but I couldn’t lie to him. He was right.
A short while later, we walked into my apartment, and Thor gave Liam a warm welcome right after he gave me a long, much-needed hug.
Liam took him out with me, and it was on the tip of my tongue to say no, but I really was rattled from dredging up all those memories.
Plus, it was late. Just for tonight, I could let myself lean on him. I’d pull myself back together tomorrow.
Then we were back in my apartment and there was nothing else to do.
My heart was pounding, and I didn’t know if it was because he was going to leave or because he hadn’t yet.
What could I say or do to show him how I felt before he left?
I needed him to know how much I appreciated his support. How much I wanted more with him.
Liam slid a hand across my neck, gently holding me as he pressed a long kiss to my forehead. It was sweet, but not what I wanted. I grabbed the collar of his shirt and tugged him down to meet my lips. I kissed him with desperation, letting all my emotions spill out into him.
“Firefly,” he breathed against my lips before he pulled away, still holding me, tilting my head up to meet his anguished eyes. “Are you going to be alright tonight?”
I shrugged. I didn’t want to say no. Couldn’t say yes.
“Would you feel better if I stayed? I’ll sleep on the couch.”
“No. I’ll be okay.” I did trust him, but still, I didn’t like anyone having access to me while I was sleeping. “It’s not you. It’s just…”
“I get it. You never need to apologize for having your boundaries.”
“Thank you.”
“Just so you know, though, if you wanted me to, I’d be more than happy to stay with you. Not to do anything, but just so you aren’t alone. I hate to leave you now.”
My heart melted. “I’ll be fine.”
“Are you going to be able to sleep?”
“I really am okay. I was more anxious about it before, knowing I’d have to tell you. Now that I did, it’s not so bad.” That was basically true. I felt better than when I was anticipating telling him. But that didn’t mean it was good now. Just that it was worse before.
“Call me if you have a bad dream. Or if you can’t sleep. Or if you need anything.”