Chapter 16
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Liam
“Left or right?” I asked.
Thor, who’d led us the short distance from Jenna’s car to the fork, trotted confidently to the right.
“No, baby, we’re trying something new today.” Jenna said, gently pulling him back and turning to the left. “We always go to the right,” she explained.
A prickle of unease ran down my spine, but I tried to keep my tone neutral. “How often do you walk here?”
“Most Sunday afternoons, as long as the weather’s nice. Thor and I both enjoy it, and he’s calmer for days afterwards.”
Dammit. “And that path you usually take, is it just a loop through the park?” She’d mentioned a loop back to her car yesterday, but it hit differently now that I understood her routine and saw the park firsthand.
Anyone paying the slightest bit of attention would know exactly when and where to find her alone.
How could I say this without scaring her? I wanted her to be safe, but the last thing I wanted was to be the cause of her feeling more vulnerable. She already had too damn much of that. Before I could come up with the right words, she made it even worse.
“Yeah. We usually do a few laps around. This is one of the best parts about having Thor. I never would’ve come myself without him. He makes me feel safer.”
Fuck. She’d told me she never feels safe, and now she’s happily telling me that she feels safe here. How do I tell her she’s not? Normally, I wouldn’t hesitate to put caution before feelings, but after last night, I’d move heaven and earth to make her feel safe.
I’d tell her at a better time, I decided. Before she came back next Sunday. But not today. After the strength and vulnerability she’d shown ripping open all those old wounds, I just wanted her to enjoy the day with me, and later to enjoy the party with our friends.
“Alright then, let’s explore,” I said cheerfully, even though I felt more like screaming. Or beating the ever-living shit out of Brian. I was not okay after last night, but I wouldn’t let that fucker steal another second of happiness from Jenna.
I took her hand and followed her to the left, loving the way she smiled up at me.
I wanted to wrap her up and protect her, but what she really needed was to be given the strength and confidence to fly on her own.
I laughed at the visual that popped into my head.
It was like releasing a firefly from a jar to let its light shine free.
“What’s so funny?” she asked.
“Nothing. Just happy.”
“Me too.” She grinned, looking so carefree and different from the wrecked version she’d been last night. Although, I hadn’t even minded her tears—not nearly as much as when she’d gone still, like she was being haunted by the memories. “Who’s going to Dylan’s party later?” she asked.
Damn, if she could stay in the moment, so could I.
“Everyone. It started out as just the guys from our station, then Juliette invited the guys from Station 7 and their wives and girlfriends. Once the women got involved, it became a huge party. Now it’s most of the firefighters from both stations, except for the crews that are on duty, of course, and a lot of the law enforcement guys that we’re friends with. ”
“That’s so nice.”
“Yeah, it’s a good reason to celebrate. It’s part of the job, knowing that injuries can happen, but it sucks when they do. It hasn’t been the same without Dylan. His absence has been loud, a constant reminder that a friend was missing. It’ll be really nice to have him back where he belongs.”
Jenna blinked rapidly, and I caught the shine of tears in her eyes before she looked away.
“What’s wrong?”
She looked back up at me, her blue eyes bright with wetness. “Don’t get hurt, okay?”
Warmth surged through my chest. She was worried about me. “Aw, Firefly. Dylan did something really reckless, and he’s still okay. We’re careful, we’re well trained, and we’re a great team. And now I have even more of a reason to make sure I come home safely.”
Jenna wrapped her arms around me and leaned into my side.
I draped my arm over her shoulder, and we walked that way for a few minutes until Thor started zigzagging across the path, following the scent of a squirrel or something.
We laughed and separated, holding hands instead before he tripped us.
Actually, she held just my ring finger and pinky, and it was adorable.
“Speaking of being a great team, guess where Brady and Cole are right now?”
“I don’t know. A training?”
“Nope, they’re at my house working on the backyard.”
“Why would you make them do that?”
“I didn’t make them. I had plenty of time after I got back home last night, so instead of getting myself in trouble, I ordered a few things I needed and picked them up early this morning. They came over and we worked on it until I had to leave. They volunteered to stay and finish.”
Worry filled her beautiful eyes. “Can you spell that out for me?”
“I couldn’t sleep, so instead of hunting down Brian, I worked on my backyard, and I added a few surprises for you.”
Her brows furrowed, and I kissed the little worry lines. When I pulled back, she smiled again. “Wow. Um. What surprises?”
I chuckled despite myself. This girl never ceased to amaze me. Even when shit was heavy, she still focused on the good. “You’re a librarian. Shouldn’t you know the meaning of words?”
She pouted, and I couldn’t resist running my thumb along that adorably kissable bottom lip.
Her eyes darkened, so much want and need swirling in those blue depths, I was drowning in it.
I had to navigate us to a place where she’d feel safe with me, and I had to do it soon.
I didn’t want to deny the desire I saw in her.
She deserved everything she wanted and then some.
But I also couldn’t give into it when her fear was still almost as strong, even if she tried to deny it.
But then her playful pout turned into real worry. “You didn’t sleep well last night?”
I shook my head. “I want to hurt him, Jenna. I want to make him feel as afraid as you did, and I want to tear him apart and make him choke on his own fucking dick.”
“Please don’t. I want things with you I’ve never wanted before, and it would really suck if my first good sexual experience was during a conjugal visit.”
A laugh burst out of me. “How do you stay so positive?” I swallowed back the rest of what I wanted to say.
I had to know more, but this wasn’t the place to ask.
When she said her first good sexual experience, did that mean she had other bad experiences?
Or none at all? I sure as shit was not counting her abuse as a sexual experience, and if she was, I was going to knock that idea right out of her head.
“I wasn’t always. I spent so long afraid and hiding in the shadows, letting life pass me by. I refuse to do that anymore. I try not to be reckless, but I can’t let fear control me. I need to be happy.”
“You’re amazing, Firefly.”
We followed the path, laughing at Thor’s antics and enjoying easy conversation when we came to a grass field overlooking a small lake. Perfect. “Want to stop here for a snack?”
Jenna agreed and we meandered closer to the water. In a clearing mostly hidden from the trail by some bushes, I laid out the small blanket I had in my backpack, along with bottles of water, a sleeve of crackers, a Tupperware filled with strawberries, and a bowl for Thor’s water.
“Oh, Liam! It’s a picnic! I can’t even remember if I’ve ever had a picnic before.”
“Have a seat, my lady,” I said, taking her hand and helping her sit. “For you, I have a bottle of still water and a charcuterie of fruit and crackers.”
“Oh my, how lovely!” Jenna placed her hand over her heart and batted her eyelashes, playing along with whatever the hell I was trying to do.
We talked about our jobs as we ate, and she told me all about Izzy and the sensory room and a few of her regulars, and then I finally asked the question that had been trying to bust out since she mentioned it.
“Jenna, when you were kidding about conjugal visits, you said something that I have to ask about.”
“What did I say?”
“You said it would be your first good sexual experience. Not counting Brian, because abuse is not a sexual experience, did you have a bad experience after that?”
She looked at me with shame in her eyes, and I wished I could kill every motherfucker who ever touched her. All I wanted was to hold her in my arms, but I couldn’t because those pricks hurt her.
“They weren’t bad. They just weren’t good.”
“Tell me?”
She shrugged and looked down at Thor lounging in the grass, his tongue lolling out. “There’s not much to tell. There was a boyfriend in college I slept with, and another guy too, before him. I was nervous, so it wasn’t great.”
Motherfuckers. “Those assholes slept with you when you were afraid?”
She toyed with Thor’s tail, the only part of him within her reach. “I wanted it. The...uh, sex part was good once I got used to it.” She looked up at me before her eyes darted away again. “I didn’t like them touching me.”
Once she got used to it! I saw red. Wished it was the blood of those assholes, not my heart breaking. She’d said that last part like she thought she needed to warn me not to touch her!
I forced my hands to stay still even though they ached to comfort her.
“I’m sorry they were selfish jerks. I hope someday I’ll get to show you how amazing it can be when you’re with the right person.
I promise, Firefly, we’ll only do anything if and when you’re completely ready, and only what you absolutely, one hundred percent want. ”
She leaned closer. “I already want you. I think about doing things with you that I’ve never wanted before.”