Chapter 24
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Liam
I wasn’t going to survive this self-defense class. Or someone else wasn’t going to survive my wrath. It was killing me to see Jenna so distressed—and it was also an effective reminder that with just a few phone calls, I could be in Atlanta beating the shit out of Brian before daybreak.
“Chill the fuck out or leave,” Ryan hissed.
“I can’t. Look at her.”
“I see it, but your anger isn’t helping. You want her to learn to defend herself? Pull your shit together and help her focus.”
I nodded, trying to rein in my fury. “You need me here?”
“Nope, go ahead.”
“Thanks man.” I left Ryan to put away the computer and screen we’d just used to watch situational awareness videos, and walked through the gym, smiling politely to the other women as I headed over to Jenna, Juliette, and Nicky.
Hell, I knew he was right. It was just hard to stomach the tension in every line of her body and that fucking fake smile on her face.
Jenna slid into her spot at my side, and Dylan moved up behind Juliette and wrapped his arms around her. Lucky bastard didn’t have to worry about keeping his cock away from his girl.
Dammit, I did need to pull my shit together. Sorry, Firefly. I blew out a heavy breath and pressed a kiss to the top of Jenna’s head, then forced a smile onto my face. “So, are you girls ready to beat the crap out of us?”
“Hell yeah,” Nicky said. “When do I get to kick Ryan in the nuts?” The look she aimed his way said she wasn’t sure if she wanted to kick him or kiss him (or possibly both) in the nuts.
Jenna laughed loudly. I’d hold Ryan down and let Nicky kick him in the balls all day if it made her laugh like that. I high-fived Nicky.
“With him as the practice dummy, this’ll be way better than last time,” Nicky said.
“You guys took a self-defense class before?” Why hadn’t Jenna mentioned it?
Juliette nodded.
“In college,” Nicky said.
Jenna had just been starting to deal with everything then. Had that been another bad experience for her? “Walk with me for a minute?”
She agreed, and we walked down the hall of the YMCA until we found a quiet nook. I hugged her to my side for a long minute before I set her back just enough to see her face. “You alright?”
“Yeah, I’m okay.”
“You took a self-defense class in college?”
She nodded, and the flicker of doubt in her eyes confirmed my suspicion was spot-on.
“Did something happen there?” I asked gently.
“The class was fine.” She shrugged, trying to act casual. “I was dating someone then, and I wanted to practice what I’d learned. You know the move where he holds your wrist and then you come down on his forearm?”
My pulse pounded like a battle drum, but I forced a smile for her. If this was the asshole who’d slept with her when she was scared, and he did something else to her, I’d kill him right after I killed Brian. “A hammer fist to his forearm?”
“Yeah. I did that, and it worked. I hit him and twisted my arm and turned like they showed us, and I got out of his hold.”
“Good for you.”
“Then he grabbed me, and he…he wouldn’t let go. Said none of it would help because I was so little.”
Dead. He was a dead man. “I hate that prick.”
“I did leave a bruise on his arm, though.”
“Good girl. He was wrong. You’re more than capable of defending yourself,” I said, then I hesitated.
I didn’t want to make it worse for her, but now that she brought it up, and I could literally see the way she folded in on herself—like the asshole was still making her feel small—I couldn’t let it go.
I leaned against the peeling paint of the cinderblock wall and held her hands loosely, careful not to cage her in.
“Was that the guy you told me about? The first one you had sex with?”
“The second, actually. The first was just a guy I knew from class.”
Both fucking assholes. I ran my thumbs over her knuckles, her hands so fragile in mine, but she was so tough. “Can you tell me about them?”
She nodded. “The guy from class was nice, and he seemed interested in me. I wanted to prove I was over what happened with Brian, so I invited him to my room to study. He was flirting, and I...initiated more. I probably seemed more experienced than I was, because, well, I did have experience with that.”
Motherfucker.
“But then he touched me, and that’s when I started to freak out.” Her hands clenched in mine, and I tightened my grip on her. “I hated his hands on me. But I didn’t want that to end it, so I rushed to having sex. I never did that with Brian, so I hoped it would be okay.”
There was so much wrong with that it made me insane, but I had to keep my cool for her. “You didn’t do anything with Brian. He did it to you.”
She just shrugged.
“What happened when you had sex with him?” God, it was hard to say those words.
She kicked at the floor, her eyes following the movement. “It hurt. It was my first time, and I was so tense and nervous.”
Stupid fucking asshole. “I’m sorry, Firefly. He should have stopped everything as soon as he saw you were uncomfortable.”
“It wasn’t his fault. I wanted it. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it.
He tried to touch me before and during, which I know is supposed to make it better, but I didn’t let him.
” She looked up, finally meeting my eyes, as if there was any chance she could convince me he wasn’t an asshole.
“He was still wrong.”
Jenna shrugged again. “The next guy was the one I did the hammer fist to. We dated for a couple of months. Things were easier with him. I knew I didn’t want him to touch me, and he was fine jumping right to sex, so that helped, but—”
She didn’t continue, so I prompted her. “What?”
“It’s weird talking to you about other guys.”
“I don’t like it either, but I want to know.”
She nodded, her eyes flicking to mine before dropping to my chest. “I started to enjoy it after a while, but...he said I was boring in bed.”
“Fuck, Firefly.” I tucked her into my side and pressed a kiss to her temple. “Those guys were assholes, and they were so wrong. What are their names?”
“Uh-uh. Remember, I don’t want conjugal visits.”
A laugh burst out of me, despite the fury flowing through my veins.
She wrapped her arms around me and laid her head on my chest. “It’s fine. I used them as much, if not more, than they used me.”
“It’s not fine.” I put a finger under her chin and gently tilted her head to meet her eyes. “I promise we will never, ever do anything that doesn’t feel good for you. And I need you to promise you’ll be honest with me about how you feel.”
“I promise.”
“I also promise we’re going to have fun.
There’s going to be so much awesomeness in our relationship, when someone asks about us, you’re not even going to know where to start.
” Because it was fucked up that when I asked about those assholes, the only things she had to say were about the bad, barely consensual sex. “And Firefly?”
“Yeah?”
“Being with you is amazing. You are sweet, sexy, smart, funny, and so damn brave. I love every second we spend together. You were on fire when we were together in the hot tub and after, and so was I. Every kiss and touch is electrifying. You are the absolute opposite of boring.”
Her eyes lit up, that spark in her heart never far from the surface.
She stood on her tiptoes, reaching for me, her lips gently parting, and I met her halfway and kissed her, a soft, slow brush against her lips.
I wished I could deepen the kiss and make us both forget why we were here, but I couldn’t.
I pulled back and smoothed an escaped tendril of hair behind her ear.
“We need to go back in soon. Are you going to be alright?”
“Yeah, of course.” That damn fake smile again.
Bullshit. “What were you thinking about during the situational awareness video?”
She lifted her chin and crossed her arms, trying to look defiant, but the shadows in her eyes betrayed her.
“No one could, or should, follow that video. Yes, I notice if a man is approaching me, but it’s ridiculous to cross the street every time.
And I’m not going to avoid people just because they look cr…
different. What a horrible world it would be if we were all so cold and unfriendly.
You think we need to inspect everywhere we go—make sure all the lights work and there’s nowhere someone could hide?
Might as well never go out at all. I—” Her bravado slipped, her eyes falling to the floor.
When she looked back up, her eyes were dim and unfocused.
“That’s no way to live. I don’t want to live like that. I won’t.”
She did live like that, though, and it slayed me that she looked so tortured by it. “That awareness is good, Firefly. It gives you power. It puts you in control, helps you tune in to that gut feeling and choose how to respond.”
Jenna’s lips trembled and then compressed into a heartbreaking attempt at a smile. “What if my gut is a jumpy, paranoid little bugger?”
My gut was my compass. I couldn’t imagine what I’d do without it. “Well...”
She sighed, and whatever I’d been about to say faded away. “It’s hard to be so aware but not know what to do about it. If I followed my gut, I’d live in constant fear. Sometimes I think it would be easier to just be blissfully unaware.”
My chest squeezed. I hated that she was so afraid, but in my world, fear kept you alive. It was necessary. Healthy. If her gut was unreliable, how could I help her be safe and happy?
Dylan’s whistle carried down the hall, calling us back. Dammit.
“Sorry, are you alright going back in? We’ll talk more later.”
“It’s okay. Sometimes there is no answer. We just need to do our best to be happy without being reckless.”
“That might be the best answer I’ve heard.” I kissed the tip of her nose and when I pulled away, she graced me with her beautiful smile.