Chapter 31 #2
Something warm and soft fluttered in my chest, and I wished I could just relax into his words—luxuriate in feeling so seen, but it didn’t change the fact that I still had to make this decision.
Liam’s understanding didn’t help the way Tyler would see it.
“I’m not afraid to see him, not really. We’re both adults now.
I’m sure nothing would happen. Especially with you there.
But I want to keep the promise I made to thirteen-year-old me.
It feels like I’ll be letting myself down if I go. ”
“I want to take care of every part of you, including thirteen-year-old you. And I want you to take care of yourself, too. How about if we go for Tyler’s graduation, but meet up with him privately and watch him graduate from the back of the room? Only he will even know we’re there.”
Hope filled me, but it burst just as quickly. “How would I explain that to him? It’s probably better if I just don’t go.” Maybe not better, but it was easier. And that felt really crappy, like I was taking the easy way out. But it was easier for everyone, not just me.
“I have another idea,” Liam said cautiously. “Something I’ve been thinking about for a while. You know how Beth can find anything on the internet, right?”
My heart raced, anticipating his next words. “Yeah?”
“What if we have her look into Brian? I know it’s too late for what he did to you, but maybe she can find something else to incriminate him.”
Yeah, it’s not like I hadn’t thought of it before.
I’d thought about it ever since I saw what Beth could do when she helped Juliette.
But then I thought about all the conversations I’d have to have.
All the confessions and secrets and shame and blame, and even though I knew it was the right thing to do, I just couldn’t.
And even though he meant well, now I really hated that I had to admit to Liam that I was so weak I was letting Brian get away with everything.
“I...I don’t know. I just want to move on, not stir everything up. ”
He tightened his arm around me. “It’s okay. You can think about it, and we have time to think about graduation, too. Want me to make you breakfast?”
I didn’t have time. Tyler was selling my ticket. Giving up on me. But there was nothing I could do about it now, or at least nothing I was willing to commit to doing now, so I tried to push it away. “I’m not hungry yet, but I’ll take a coffee.”
“You got it. I’ll get it started.” He kissed me and stood, pausing in the doorway to look back at me. “You look good in my bed, Firefly.”
“I’m ready to kick ass.”
Liam looked up from his game of tug-of-war and his eyes raked over me.
Thor growled at him to continue, but Liam kept his eyes on me, an appreciative glimmer making my heart sing.
I’d changed into a workout outfit—black leggings and a fitted, pink tank top—after our leisurely morning sipping coffee on the deck, and it looked like he liked it.
“Whose ass?”
“Yours today. Tomorrow, who knows? Whoever deserves it.”
“Fuck, yeah. Anyone messes with you, they’ll regret it.”
I balled my fists and hopped into a defensive stance, Rocky style.
“You’re a killer.”
I punched the air, playing along. Pumping myself up.
After wasting years cowering in fear, I’d swung so far to the opposite extreme, pretending the world was safe.
I’d been lucky to scrape by this long living in denial.
Now that I could no longer hide behind that illusion, was it possible to believe I could take control and help make my world safer?
And more than just believing it, was I capable of actually doing it?
I wasn’t sure, but it was worth a try. Living in fear sucked, and I’d learned my lesson about ignoring it.
I was trying really hard not to think too much about how close I’d let a possible rapist get to me.
Close enough to touch me. A shiver ran through me at the memory of Snake Eye’s hand on my arm in the stacks.
Liam’s thick eyebrows drew down in concern. Damn, of course he saw that.
I didn’t want his concern, though. I was ready to embrace Jenna 3.0. Jenna who faced fear head on. Who learned to fight for herself. Who shared a bed with her boyfriend without fear. Hell yeah.
“Come and get me,” I taunted, trying to distract him.
Liam stood, all six foot five of bulging muscle, with a glint in his eye. “Uh uh, Firefly. You can’t tempt me like that and then fight me off. First, it’s just me and you, and I’m going to kiss the hell out of you. Okay?”
I nodded and he snaked a hand out, catching me around the waist. “You look real good, Jenna. Especially the fire in your eyes.” Then he crashed his lips onto mine and devoured me.
After a long, scorching kiss, we finally got to our self-defense lesson. He pushed me hard, but I got away, again and again. By the time we stopped, I was out of breath and my limbs were shaking, not from fear, but from exertion.
Liam rubbed my arms. “I’m sorry, I should have stopped sooner. I don’t want you to be sore.”
I tried to read the worry in his eyes to see if he was concerned about me in general, me in bed later, or me having to fight for real soon, but he quickly blanked his expression.
Did that mean it was the third option? I didn’t like that.
“How about we go in the hot tub to loosen up?” I tried to waggle my eyebrows but broke out laughing, and Liam joined me.
He sobered quickly, his eyebrows drawing down, his eyes intense and questioning.
Probably trying to figure out if this Jenna 3.
0 was real or not. That made two of us. Fake it ’til you make it, right?
He cradled my cheek and tilted my face up, like he was trying to look straight into my soul. “You good, Firefly?”
“Yeah, I’m good. Promise.”
A short while later, clad in my little pink bikini, I followed Liam into the hot tub, and sank neck deep in the middle for a long moment while I worked up the courage to sit on his lap.
We’d already had sex. He’d touched me everywhere—well almost everywhere; my clit was still off-limits—and I’d touched him everywhere.
I hadn’t sat on his lap yet, though. It shouldn’t be a big deal.
It should be wonderful. His arms around me, the hot water bubbling around us…
I wanted to want it. If I did it anyway, despite the chills crawling up my spine, would it be okay?
If his penis poked me from behind, would I be okay?
Once I leaned into the crook of his shoulder, and his thick, callused hands touched me, would he take me back to how I felt with him before yesterday, before this nightmare exploded?
Or would it take me back, back? I hated the trepidation I felt.
Giving in to it felt like defeat. But if I ignored it…
“C’mere.” He crossed his arms over his chest, his muscles and the veins in his forearms bulging, belying the calmness of his voice and denying me access to his lap. He tilted his head to the seat beside him. “Sit next to me.” It was a gentle command, but a command nonetheless.
I sat next to him, feeling small and weak.
“Lean back,” he coaxed. “Let the hot water and jets relax you. You’re doing so good, Firefly. You’ve been so strong and so brave. Let it go now. You don’t have to do anything else.”
I let his smooth voice wash over me. I tilted my head back and closed my eyes. I knew he wouldn’t touch me. “I’m sorry. I—”
“You have nothing to apologize for. I don’t want or expect anything other than you here with me.”
I looked up at him. “When I suggested the hot tub, I was thinking about more.”
“I know. But you’re not ready for it now, so we’re not doing it. There’s no rush. We'll have a lifetime to do all kinds of things in the hot tub and everywhere else. It’s been a tough day. Give yourself some grace.”
“I’m just…disappointed. I felt like I was making progress, and now it feels like I'm right back where I’ve always been.”
He slowly tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, his eyes warm and tender.
“It doesn’t feel right, hearing you talk about making progress,” he said quietly.
“It makes it sound like there’s some finish line you have to reach, like there’s a chance you could fall short.
But there isn’t. There’s no deadline, no way to fail.
There’s also nothing wrong with you that you need to progress from,” he continued, his voice softening even more.
“You became who you needed to be to survive, and you did a damn good job of it. You’ve always been incredible exactly as you are.
“Then I came crashing into your life, and now, when we’ve barely even begun, we’re in the middle of this shitstorm.
It probably feels like you’ve been pushed out of the nest before you were ready to fly, but you’re doing amazing, and we’ll figure it out together.
There’s no pressure, no rush. No expectations.
It’s my absolute honor to be here, holding your hand as you grow into yourself and into our relationship, whatever that may look like. ”
My heart pounded and a giggle burst out of me. My God, he was amazing. “You mean pushed out of the egg.”
He cocked his head, looking adorably confused. “What?”
“Fireflies don’t live in nests.”
A smile lit up his handsome face. “That’s right, Firefly. You might still be growing your wings, but you’ve always had your light.”
I beamed back at him. It wasn’t bioluminescence, but something was burning bright and warm in my chest. And it felt really, really good.