Chapter 14 #2
Vanessa opened her mouth, almost ready to suggest they drive in together just as she had planned, but something stopped her.
She had a feeling Emma needed this space to feel in control of everything going on around her.
Vanessa didn’t want to be the one who dragged her own worries into Emma’s already chaotic headspace.
Not today. “You go on ahead. I’m not quite ready yet. ”
“I don’t know how you do it. I’m too scared to be late with all the bloody traffic lately.”
Vanessa winked as she slid from her stool and made her way to the kitchen sink. “I know the shortcuts. That’s all I’m saying.”
Emma sat on the small bench behind the swimming pool building, enjoying the warmth from the sun on her face.
The air around her was crisp, autumnal, but if she closed her eyes, it felt as though spring was on its way.
It had been an uneventful day so far, and if she had her way, it would stay like that.
Her heart couldn’t take any more sudden turns.
She drew one knee up and rested her elbow on it, gazing across the open space.
Her thoughts were a tangled mess, but each one led back to the same thing.
Freya. Emma didn’t know where to start. How did someone navigate a situation like this?
A teacher and student…yet unknowingly sisters by blood.
There had to be protocols and rules in place.
There had to be something to guide her. Surely.
God, I hope so.
She swallowed, trying to dislodge the lump of emotion wedged there.
The silence pressed down on her, broken only by the distant shriek of a whistle that signalled the end of lunch.
That dreaded uncertainty she’d avoided all morning was now clawing at her chest, but she didn’t need it.
Uncertainty was the one thing that could unravel Emma quicker than anything else.
Still, the one thing Emma was sure of right now was that Freya had done the right thing by telling her the truth.
It had been brave, even if Emma hadn’t believed her at first.
Why did she tell me?
Maybe Freya had told her because she wanted a relationship. Maybe she was just waiting for Emma to take that first step. It would make sense since Emma was the adult here. She was supposed to lead the way, but Vanessa’s doubts about it all continued to echo in her mind.
I’m surely entitled to something with her.
It didn’t feel right. The idea that someone who had never met Emma, someone with no understanding of who she was or what she felt, could decide what kind of relationship she was allowed to have with her own sister.
If only she could explain everything, maybe it would all just click into place.
After all, neither of them had asked for this.
Neither of them had wanted to live their lives separately as strangers.
That spark of excitement that was buried deep threatened to break through, but Emma couldn’t let it.
Not yet. Hope was too dangerous. Hope could destroy her if she let it run away with itself.
As she cleared her throat, footsteps approached from behind her.
The familiar click of heels grew nearer, ending with a kiss on Emma’s cheek from behind.
“Hi, baby.” Vanessa’s voice calmed Emma in an instant.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t have lunch with you.
My meeting wasn’t supposed to overrun. I’m not sure how it got to that point. ”
“Don’t worry about it.” Emma placed her hand over Vanessa’s as she took a seat. “These things happen. I know that.”
“But I’m free for the next hour.” Vanessa leaned in and playfully nudged Emma’s shoulder. “How’s your day been so far?”
“Fine. I’m just trying to focus on work and lesson plans. I can’t really do anything else, can I?”
Vanessa offered a small smile. “No. Not really.”
Emma stared down at their hands for a moment.
“I just keep going over everything in my mind.” She shook her head, determined to keep her emotions at bay during this conversation.
“Then I start thinking about Mum. The fact she’s been sober for so long but hasn’t reached out to me.
And I know, I know she knows I don’t want a relationship with her, but surely if she cared about me, she would have tried to contact me. To…ask me to forgive her or whatever.”
“I think that sometimes people know how others feel about them, and they choose to protect themselves instead.”
Emma turned towards Vanessa. “For so many years, I wondered if it was just the alcohol, you know? Was she just so deep into that life that she couldn’t see what was in front of her?
That being me.” Emma’s brows drew together.
“But now that I know she’s sober, it just confirms everything I’ve always thought. ”
“And what is that?”
“That she never loved me. That she never wanted any kids. I just used to get in the way of her life all the time, and the sooner I was gone, the better for her.” Emma almost lost it when Vanessa held tightly onto her hand.
“And that’s okay…that she didn’t love me.
I just wish it had been different. I wish I’d had parents who wanted to see me thrive and be the very best I could be. ”
“Oh, Emma.”
“I’m not looking for sympathy. I just have so much going through my mind, and talking about it is the only way to deal with it for me.
” Emma’s thumb moved in slow circles across the back of Vanessa’s hand.
“I’m just hoping that I can put my point across when the time comes.
That I can show anyone who needs to see it that I can bring good things to Freya’s life. That…I only want the best for her.”
Vanessa’s eyes held a sadness that Emma didn’t need right now. She wanted to turn away, to ignore whatever other people thought, but this was her wife, and Vanessa’s input was important to her.
“Emma, what is the perfect outcome for you here?”
“To have my sister in my life.” Those words hit Emma hard.
Saying them out loud made everything feel more real.
And that made it worse. Because as she took a breath, it brought the truth crashing down on her.
“It’s not going to work out, is it?” Her voice broke as tears slid down her cheeks.
“Once this is out in the open, I’m never going to see her again, let alone have the chance to fight for her. ”
Vanessa reached out a hand and brushed a thumb beneath Emma’s eye. The look on her face said everything Emma already knew. “I don’t know, baby.”
“You do. I can see it in your eyes.”
“I just…I’m worried about you. I’m worried about the outcome of this and the toll it’ll take on you.”
Emma scoffed and shook her head. She knew what was coming. It was inevitable. “I think I’ve already come to terms with the fact that none of my family will ever want me, and neither will the kid who doesn’t even know me yet.”
“You can’t think like that, Emma.”
But she already was thinking like that. It was hard not to.
“Trust me, I’m not wrong. Those parents are going to take one look at me and remove Freya from this school.
Which is really shit because she’s going to thrive here.
I’m already seeing a huge change in her since she became friends with Alice.
Knowing that she’s making connections here, only for them to be taken away because of me… it doesn’t seem right.”
“That’s not something any of us can control.”
Emma leaned back against the bench, her gaze fixed on the sports field ahead. For a moment, she let herself feel the weight of what was coming. “This is going to be painful. I know it is.”