Chapter 23 #2
God, Emma felt ridiculous for being so excited by a simple exchange of words—she was in her mid-thirties, for God’s sake.
But there was something about her small interactions with Freya that made her feel happiness on a level she hadn’t felt before.
It wasn’t the type of happiness she shared with Vanessa, that could never be compared, but for so long…
Emma had gone through life with the knowledge she had no family to care about.
Enter Freya, and everything was changing.
“Oh, Em.” Emma could feel her wife smiling down the line. “That’s huge.”
“I know.” Emma pressed the heel of her hand to her chest, trying to steady the flutter. “It was just a quick, unexpected chat, only a couple of minutes before she was on her way to class, but she didn’t seem awkward or uncomfortable, and she didn’t look like she wanted to run away.”
“It sounds to me like she wanted you to know she appreciated it,” Vanessa said. “And maybe that she’s ready for a little more.”
“God, I hope so.” Emma tipped her head back and closed her eyes. “I didn’t push. I just kept it light.”
“That’s my girl. You handled it perfectly.”
Emma sighed when she finally felt that calm settle over her again. Vanessa would always be the reason; she was usually the only person who could get through to Emma. “I just wanted you to know. I couldn’t sit on it, knowing I probably won’t bump into you for the rest of the afternoon.”
“I’ll always want to know these things, Emma. Every step, no matter how small. They’re all a part of the journey.”
“I know.” Emma glanced at the clock. “I’ve got a theory lesson with year 10 in about thirty seconds, so I should probably pull myself together.”
“Go and be brilliant. Maybe we can celebrate later.”
“Deal.” Emma felt the warmth in that promise settle deep in her chest. “I love you.”
“I love you too, baby.”
And just like that, it was back to work. Emma tucked her phone away in her desk drawer and took another deep breath before heading out of the office again. No matter what the rest of this day threw at her, Emma was certain of one thing. She wouldn’t stop smiling through any of it.
The house smelled faintly of garlic and rosemary from the remnants of the roast Vanessa had made earlier.
Emma had been sprawled on the couch for the last half an hour, her feet tucked under a blanket and her hair still damp from her shower after work.
Vanessa, on the other hand, sat cross-legged at the other end, sipping her wine and pretending not to notice that Emma was nudging her ankle every thirty seconds.
“You’re bored,” Vanessa said as she glanced in Emma’s direction.
Emma rolled onto her side, propping her head up in her hand. “No. I’m…feeling interactive.”
“Interactive?” Vanessa arched an eyebrow. “That’s what we’re calling it?”
Emma grinned, pushing her toes against Vanessa’s thigh again. “You love it. Admit it.”
“I tolerate it.”
Emma snorted. “Liar.”
Vanessa’s eyes softened as she reached out, snagging Emma’s foot and giving it a squeeze. “Fine. I love it. But only because you look smug when you think you’re annoying me.”
“I am smug.” Emma stretched her legs out and rested her feet in Vanessa’s lap. “It’s my most attractive quality.”
“That’s debatable.” Vanessa’s hand skimmed lazily over Emma’s shin, inching her way over Emma’s knee and towards her inner thigh. “I can think of many other things I find far more attractive about you.”
“Finally!” Emma threw up a hand and rolled onto her back. “I thought you’d never take the hint.”
Vanessa narrowed her eyes. “You’ve never been backwards in coming forwards before.” Vanessa got to her knees and slowly crawled between Emma’s legs. “If you want me inside you, you only have to say.”
Emma was about to start a round of teasing when her phone buzzed from where it had been abandoned on the coffee table.
“Give me a sec and then I’m all yours.” She reached for it as the screen lit up, and then her eyes landed on the email and the subject line. Your new little sister.
Emma’s breath caught. “Babe.”
“What?” Vanessa suddenly froze where she rested between Emma’s legs. “Is it Freya?”
Emma nodded slowly. “I…it’s her.”
“Right, okay.” Vanessa pushed up off Emma and sat back on the couch. “Open it.”
Emma swallowed and opened it, the familiar weight of nerves and excitement flooding her entire body as the email filled the screen.
Hi, Emma.
Thanks so much for your email. I was nervous when you and Nia told me you’d be writing to me, but when I got your email, I was actually excited. Thanks for making it easy for me to read and understand. It wasn’t awkward at all.
You asked about pets. I prefer dogs. They’re cuddly. The cat Carmen and Ben had when I came to live with them used to fling everything off the mantelpiece, and cats can be dead judgy.
I really love playing netball. I always wanted to be part of a team and now I am. That’s really great for me because I’ve never been cool before. I think you made me feel cooler by telling me I was good at it. I don’t have much self-confidence.
I always wished I had a sister. My friends by my old house used to have sisters and brothers that helped them out if they fell over in the street, but I had nobody.
My old mum used to tell me that you left home because you hated us all, but I must have been a small baby when you said those things because I don’t remember you living in my old house with me.
Was it because I cried? Did you never want a sister?
When you said at the start that you didn’t think we were related, it made me feel weird, but I understood.
You didn’t like me when I was little, so I guessed you still didn’t like me now that I’m older.
Did you say that because you still didn’t want me to be your sister but now you’ve changed your mind?
Do you not hate me anymore because I’m not small?
I’m really excited for you to email me again. I never get any emails.
Love your sister.
Freya.
Emma hadn’t realised she’d been holding her breath until she reached the end of the email.
Her chest ached with the force of it, her heart thudding so hard she felt light-headed.
The words on the screen blurred and sharpened, then blurred again, as though her eyes couldn’t decide whether to cry or fight it all back.
She read it again. And then a third time, only slower, each sentence cutting through her a little more.
My old mum used to tell me you left home because you hated us all. Was it because I cried? Did you never want a sister? Do you not hate me anymore because I’m not small?
Emma’s thumb hovered over the screen as if she could smooth the words away and rewrite them, aiming to undo the fact they’d ever been typed out in the first place.
“Emma?” Vanessa’s voice was soft as her hand closed gently over Emma’s knee.
Emma blinked, the sound of her name grounding her enough to finally look up. She felt her voice cracking before she’d even spoken. “S-she thought I hated her. That’s what she’s believed her whole life.”
Vanessa’s brows drew together as she took the phone from Emma. She scanned the message, her face unreadable except for the faint tightening around her eyes. When she was finished, she set the phone down on the coffee table and pulled Emma into her arms without hesitation.
Emma folded herself into Vanessa the way she always did when the world felt too heavy. “She was just a baby, Vanessa. A baby. She thinks I left because I didn’t want her.”
Vanessa’s arms tightened around Emma. “You didn’t know she existed. You couldn’t have left her.”
“But she doesn’t know that.” Emma’s voice broke completely, muffled against Vanessa’s shoulder. “She’s been carrying that around for so many years. Thinking I just didn’t want her. That I didn’t like her because she cried. T-that I…hated her.”
Vanessa rubbed slow circles between her shoulder blades. “She’s telling you now because she wants the truth from you. That’s a good thing. This is her opening the door.”
Emma drew back as tears spilled freely down her face. “You know I’ve hated my mum for a long time… Well, now I hate her so much fucking more.” Emma clenched her jaw. “How dare she tell Freya lies about me! How dare she even say my fucking name!”
“Baby.”
“And now Freya is asking if I’ve changed my mind as though she still has to earn the right to be my sister. I just…I don’t even know how to respond to that email. I don’t know if I can.”
Vanessa cupped Emma’s face in both hands. “You’ll figure it out. You’ll know exactly what to say and when to say it. And as for her earning any right to be your sister, you tell her she’ll never have to earn a thing from you and that she’s had you from the moment you knew she existed.”
Emma searched her wife’s eyes, praying she could take on some of the calm Vanessa possessed. “What if I mess it up? What if she goes through life never believing me?”
“You won’t mess it up,” Vanessa said with a smile. “And she will believe you, because you’re going to show her. Not just with words, but in the way you turn up for her every single time you can.”
“God, she said she’s never felt cool. That’s probably because she thinks nobody loves her.
” Emma’s bottom lip quivered again, but she refused to allow her emotions to consume her any longer.
If she was going to fight for this relationship, she had to keep her head.
“I swear if I ever cross paths with that pathetic excuse of a human being, I’ll punch her fucking lights out. ”
“She’s not worth it.” Vanessa kissed Emma’s forehead. “You are allowed to feel heartbroken for Freya. But don’t let it stop you from seeing what’s in front of you. She’s here, she’s asking questions she has the right to ask, and she wants to know you. That, in my book, is still a win.”
Emma swallowed. “I wish I could hug her right now.”
“One day you will. One day, you’ll forget there was ever a time when she wasn’t in your life. We’re both going to make sure of that.”
Emma closed her eyes and curled herself against Vanessa. The ache in her chest was still there, but beneath it was something far stronger. Something that made her want to fight for every single step forward with Freya.
Because now, she knew exactly what she was fighting for.