Chapter 18 One Reason
One Reason
Jace caught Khoth reaching up to where the selchilite had hung from his head.
But each time he did his Commander dragging his hands back down to his sides and fisted them as if to weigh them down so that they could not traitorously lift up to shorn places on his scalp.
Jace gritted his teeth and forced himself to say nothing.
Even though there was so much wrong in having Khoth be punished for what Nova had done.
What the whole of the Alliance had done.
They value logic allegedly, but what is logical about punishing the one person who is doing what is right, Jace thought.
But he would not say any of this to Khoth.
This was his culture. This was the Thaf’ell way.
And Khoth did not have to be answering for his mother as well as the Thaf’ell.
He was suffering. That much was clear to Jace.
And all Jace wanted to do was fix it. But screaming about it to Khoth would only hurt his Commander more.
The elevator doors silently whisked open to take them down to the meeting room that the Osiris had prepared for their conversation.
His parents and General Intoshkin were already there.
Gehenna and Thammah had agreed to meet Nova and the Alliance contingent and bring them to Jace and Khoth.
Even if Jace had been inclined to greet them himself for reasons of strategy he was too angry right now to do so.
He wondered if it was wise to even have this meeting now.
And he wasn’t just pissed that Nova had interrupted some alone-time with Khoth.
Though his body still tingled at the memory of it.
Everything about Khoth was exciting and arousing to him, but it would also be the first time that Jace would be able to be physical with someone without being in agony.
Not having to manage his pain while kissing was…
unique. He now understood the big deal about sex.
Or he would. If he and Khoth ever had enough time between crises to be alone.
The elevator doors whisked shut and Khoth’s right hand lifted towards the bare skin on the side of his head.
He jerked it down again. His knuckles whitened from the tenseness of his grasp.
So Jace reached up and lightly brushed his thumb over the bare space.
Khoth jerked away in surprise, but then slowly moved back into touching distance.
“Your hair is so soft,” Jace murmured. His Commander held himself very still as Jace touched each and every bare spot. “The short strands here are even silkier.”
“We take great care of our hair, especially those the selchilite are attached to,” Khoth answered.
“Because of the importance of the selchilite? If you neglect your hair you’re neglecting your family and accomplishments?” Jace inferred.
“Yes,” Khoth answered, still without moving. “The Khul have been known to remove the scalp of Thaf’ell and leave them behind as if to say that they are not important. That all the Thaf’ell is meat.”
Jace grimaced and shut his eyes for a moment. “Of course they would do that.”
The Khul were not dumb bugs. They were incredibly intelligent in that they understood other cultures vastly different from their own and what would offend and hurt them most. It was almost malicious.
No “almost” about it, Jace thought. The Khul don’t just destroy other species, but do so almost gleefully.
To Jace that sounded like a culture that had devolved into a decadent period, an old culture that had gotten to the point where feeding people to the lions was entertainment at its finest. For some reason he had assumed the Khul were less civilized than the Alliance, but, in truth, they were acting like a species that was far older and had fallen into jaded brutality.
The door to the elevator whisked open again.
He lowered his hands from Khoth’s hair. That was actually incredibly hard to do.
Khoth had watched him with utmost intensity as he did it.
He wondered if Khoth had liked the touch or if Jace had just made him more self-conscious about the lack of selchilite.
The hallway stretched out before them in brightly lit antiseptic white and black.
Jace liked the cleanness of this design.
There was something a little Star Wars about it and he wondered if the Osiris wasn’t emphasizing that and subtly--or in the case of Khoth’s quarters not so subtly--changing things in the interior to suit its occupants.
Orange arrows appeared on the floor, lighting up the space with a sunshine-like glow, leading them towards the meeting chamber.
Of course, Finn didn’t need the visual cues.
He was starting to be able to sense the Osiris’ intent now almost like intuition.
He bet he could have gotten to this room blindfolded.
Jace stopped though outside of the door and put a hand on Khoth’s chest.
“My Xi and Xa are in balance, Pilot. You need not worry that I will make a scene,” Khoth again used an English idiom.
Jace nodded. “I really wasn’t worried about that. I mean I’m worried that you’re hurting. But I think you’re more likely to suffer in silence and stillness than to show it outwardly.”
Khoth gave a quick blink, which told Jace he’d hit the nail on the head. “And you are worried about this.”
“No. Yes. No.” Jace shook his head as Khoth’s eyes widened in confusion.
“Like I said I am worried about you bottling stuff up. But I’m not worried you’re going to suddenly explode during this meeting.
Which would be fine, by the way. If you wanted to rant and rave at your mom and the Alliance for all their stupid, uhm, their illogical ideas about me and the Osiris. ”
Khoth blinked again. “If such behavior would sway people to our side, I would engage in it. But I fear it would only alienate potential allies.”
“So I shouldn’t do it either?” Jace smiled tentatively up at him.
“You’re angry,” Khoth stated after long moments regarding him.
“Furious. Fucking filled with rage actually,” Jace admitted.
“Why?” Khoth’s voice was soft.
Jace bit his lower lip. “I swore I was not going to say anything critical about this.”
“I would prefer you to be honest with me,” Khoth replied. “And it appears that you are holding back emotions, which you claim not to be wise.”
Jace gave a rumbling half-growl which he mixed with a flash of a smile.
“Okay, I think it's wrong that you are paying for other people’s mistakes. Your mother should be shaving her goddamned selchilite off! Not you! She should be the one that’s exiled while you should be lauded!
There! I’ve said it! Now you know how I really feel! ”
Khoth cupped his cheek, which had Jace freezing in surprise.
He saw the faint glance that Khoth sent to make sure that no one was watching them.
He was pretty sure that Khoth didn’t want their relationship to be a secret, but the Thaf’ell overall didn’t seem to be much into public displays of affection.
Plus, Jace was his superior. He likely worried that for them to be seen like this would lose Jace respect or some such thing.
“I am honored you feel I am doing the right thing,” Khoth answered softly. His thumb lightly glided over Jace’s cheek leaving little bursts of electricity in its wake. “You are a highly moral person. Even though our cultures are different, I think we hold to some of the same values. You and I.”
“Uhm, yeah, I think so too. Like a warrior’s code and all,” Jace said, still having a bit of a hard time thinking of himself as a warrior and not the sick kid that had to watch everyone else play the hero.
“Yes, a warrior’s code.” Khoth nodded, evidently pleased with this description. “And your words also indicate that you care for me.”
“I do. A lot. I…” Jace grimaced again. He was doing a lot of that this morning. “I told you that from the first time I met you--”
“Yes, and I feel that way too. As if we have rediscovered one another,” Khoth interrupted gently.
“Please do not think that I do not relish the adventure ahead of us, of the connections we will make, of the things we will discover and accomplish. I believe… I believe that this will be the most exciting part of my life. But change is hard.”
Jace was the one blinking now. Those simple words had his chest feeling tight and warmth rising behind his eyes.
Change was hard. He was riding the wave of excitement into the next moment, the next him.
But he knew that soon, very soon, he’d be leaving all he knew behind and he’d miss it.
No matter how many good things were ahead of them, change was hard.
“I understand. You need to mourn what you’ve lost even if what replaces it is--”
“Better,” Khoth finished.
“Yeah.” Jace nodded.
“But right now neither of us can be worried about what we have lost. Our focus must be on the future and what we need to gain,” Khoth told him and the Thaf’ell seemed to grow less somber with each word.
“This is a pivotal moment, Jace, for what is to come. I would not have you worrying about me in it.”
“That’s sort of impossible. I worry about people I care about,” Jace said with a shrug. “But I do take the point. I need to have my head fully in the game. At the same time, I can’t believe that no one else out there in the Alliance who doesn’t feel the same things I do about these rules.”
“I am certain that there are many who believe the Thaf’ell way is the incorrect one,” Khoth said, but he didn’t seem to think they were right. “But I am Thaf’ell, even if I am no longer Alliance, and I will observe them.”
“You really think that no Thaf’ell will feel it's wrong? Thammah does,” Jace said.
Khoth sighed softly and an affectionate smile crossed his lips. “Thammah is not like other Thaf’ell. Surely you know this?”
“And you aren’t like other Thaf’ell either.” Jace grinned.
“I do not know about that,” Khoth said humbly.