Chapter 36
Chapter Thirty-Six
Luca
I lost track of how long I’d been running.
The ache in my chest was unbearable and exercise was the only way I could think to ease it. Though it was two o’clock in the morning, I couldn’t sleep. I also couldn’t eat. If I started drinking instead to dull my senses, I might not ever stop.
She was gone. I’d given her everything and she didn’t want it, didn’t want me . I had to get over her and accept it.
Unless you’re planning to hold me hostage here forever, then you have to let me go.
I wiped away the sweat streaming down my face. Part of me had considered keeping her here. Eventually she would come to love this place as much as I do and settle into her role as my wife.
But I couldn’t do it.
Val had lost so much in her life, her choices taken away because of her mother’s illness. Choices stripped because of the trattoria, because of her father. I’d done enough damage. It was time to let her be .
Besides, what did I know of love? The women in my world, including my own mother, were unhappy. The men were all killers, blackmailers. Criminals of all stripes. And I couldn’t change it even if I wanted to. Chi nasce lupo, non muore agnello.
He who is born a wolf does not die a lamb.
What right did I have to bring Valentina into such a fate?
My legs burned as I increased the speed on the treadmill. I needed to forget. To get to a place where I could close my eyes without seeing her beautiful face, without memories of her slicing me from the inside out.
Movement caught my eye and I saw Leonardo enter the room. Clad in only a pair of long shorts, my oldest son walked over to the treadmill, a frown on his face. But he said nothing as he approached. My lungs were too busy forcing in air, so I could only watch as Leo bent and ripped the machine’s cord out of the wall.
The treadmill died.
I gripped the handrails and tried not to fall over. “Che . . . cazzo?” I wheezed.
“You’re scaring everyone. Go to bed, Papà.”
“I’m . . . the boss. Don’t give . . . a fuck.”
Leo folded his arms across his chest. “Are you trying to kill yourself? Is that it? Because I won’t let you. The uncles and guards are too afraid to come in here, but I’m not.”
My legs wouldn’t support my weight, so I collapsed against the wall and slowly sank to the ground. I sucked in huge gulps of air and closed my eyes. I didn’t like admitting weakness, especially in front of one of my boys, but the words tumbled out in my exhaustion. “I just need to sleep.”
I heard him move around, then the door to the tiny refrigerator opened and closed. “Here.” Cool plastic pressed to my palm.
He’d already opened the bottle of water, so I chugged it gratefully. When I finished I said, “You don’t need to worry, figlio. I’m fine. ”
“You’re not fine.” Lowering himself next to me, he rested his forearms on his bent knees. “You’re very much not fine. Respectfully.”
I hadn’t seen much of my brothers this past week, and most of the household staff had started avoiding me.
Not even finally learning where Niccolò was from D’Agostino had given me the focus I needed. Maybe resolving that mess when Niccolò returned would snap me out of it.
“Allora, I will be fine,” I said. “I’m too wired to sleep from being in a different time zone and then prison. In time I will adjust.”
“I don’t think it has anything to do with jet lag or prison, Papà. I think it has to do with Valentina.”
The sound of her name scraped across my ragged nerves, irritating them further. “Do not say her name to me.”
“Why? Do you hate her that much?”
“I don’t hate her. But I don’t wish to discuss her, either.”
“Zio Sergio said you asked her to marry you.”
I told my brother that information in confidence, the stronzo. He had no right to tell anyone else. I said nothing and used my sleeve to clean the sweat from my face.
“Papà,” he said tiredly. “I know we don’t talk about these things. But we can.”
“Talking is pointless. She’s gone. Now I can concentrate on the things that matter, like taking over Rossi’s territory.”
“Talking is not pointless. Or maybe it’s pointless for you, but not for me. I’d like to understand you. Gabi and I both would, actually.”
“What is there to understand? I’ve kept you close, helped raise you both for your entire lives. We talk all the time.”
“But you don’t tell us anything important. We learn more from Zio Dante than you, our own father. You don’t talk to us about the business or your personal life. We’re treated like soldati.”
Soldiers, who are told what to do but not why.
I ran a hand through my wet hair. “I’m trying to protect you, figlio. You have years to learn what you need to know to lead the ’ndrina. I want you to enjoy your life while you can. ”
“Is that what Nonno did with you?”
I grimaced. My father taught me brutality and responsibility from a young age. He didn’t care whether I was happy or not. All that mattered was being strong enough to become the next Don Benetti. “No. He told me too much. Showed me too much. Which is why I’ve tried to spare you and Gabi as long as possible.”
“But what happens if you die? I don’t want to take over and not know what I’m doing.”
“You’ll have your uncles to guide you.” I put my hand on his knee and squeezed before letting go. “You will be an excellent don, figlio mio.”
“Still, it would be nice to learn from you. I’ve tried so hard to prove that I’m ready, but it’s like you’re keeping me at a distance. And I know Gabi feels the same. It’s why he acts out. And why he followed you to New York.”
I stared at the ceiling. My boys shouldn’t have to act out to get my attention or prove themselves as worthy. They were Benettis and my sons—which meant they were worthy. “Perdonami. I am a good don but a shitty father. I was only trying to give you both the life I never had.”
“Ma dai, Papà. You are a good father. Most men in your position don’t care about their bastards, even if they are sons. We’re grateful for the life you’ve given us. But we’re not little boys any more. We’re men. And it’s time to let us help lead.”
Emotion squeezed my chest like a fist. They were good boys, smart and loyal. The empire was in excellent hands after I died, and this pleased me enormously. “Okay.”
“Really?”
“Do not question your don, figlio mio. His decisions are final.”
“Does that include the decision to let Val go back to New York?” When I didn’t say anything, he bumped his knee against mine. “I like her. And Gabi does, too.”
I liked her, too. But it didn’t matter. “She lives in New York and has no interest in moving here. ”
“And?”
“And what else can I do? She asked me to let her go.” I shrugged. What more was there to say?
Leonardo was quiet for a long time, then he spoke softly. “I once asked you something and I’ve never forgotten your answer. Every time Gabi and I visited our mothers for the weekend, you sent five guards with each of us. It seemed like a lot of trouble for two days. And when I asked you why we went so often when the security risk was so high, you said, ‘Sometimes in life the reward outweighs the risk.’”
I didn’t remember the conversation, but it sounded like something I would say. “I wanted you both to remain close to your mothers. No good comes from taking little boys away from the person who gave them life.”
“Papà, this also applies to you. Go after her. Reap your reward.”
His advice irritated me. Hadn’t he been listening? “She doesn’t want to move to Catanzaro and I can’t force her.”
“So live there.”
My head snapped over and I scowled at him. “You know this is impossible. Even if I wanted to turn everything over to you, I can’t.”
He put up his palms to face me. “I’m not angling to become don. What I mean is that you don’t need to run the family from here.”
My mouth fell open. “To do so would be the height of irresponsibility. The risk—” I bit off the rest of what I was going to say.
“Exactly,” he returned smugly. “The risk is nothing in comparison to what you gain.”
“I could be killed.”
“Gabi said the mansion was well-fortified. And you can fly back here whenever you like. The two of you can stay here for months at a time. Allora, you could split the year in half.”
“You make it sound so easy.”
“It will be a headache for security, but the rest is easy. This isn’t Nonno’s day without computers and mobile phones. Our business is international and so is technology. ”
I rubbed my jaw and straightened my legs. “Why are you pushing this so hard?”
“Because I’d like to see you happy. And maybe if you’re happy in your own relationship, maybe you’ll let me marry Bianca.”
“ Stai zitto! ” I snapped, telling him to shut up. “No talk of marriage, especially to a girl I haven’t chosen.”
He grinned, not repentant in the least. “I said maybe.”
Leonardo wasn’t fooling me. The fact that he’d raised the possibility told me he’d been thinking about it. “I’m telling your uncles to keep a closer eye on you.”
“Does this mean you’re going to live in Paesano?”
I didn’t answer. It wasn’t as simple as that. This was a decision I couldn’t make alone. My brothers needed to be involved, as splitting my time between two countries would reorganize our family structure. A small army would be required to keep the estate in New York safe, as well as to keep Valentina protected wherever she went.
And if I did move there, would she want to marry me? She was so young, her whole life ahead of her, and my world was death and destruction. It hardly seemed fair.
I have everything I need back home—except for one thing .
Leonardo took the empty water bottle from my hand and replaced it with a fresh one. “Gabi also said there is opportunity there. The locals are weak and a mess, and Vito D’Agostino is in Toronto. He could be a resource.”
“Yes, he told me.”
“Could be fun, Papà. We haven’t had a turf war in years.”
I shoved his head and ruffled his hair. “You were four. How would you even remember?”
My son laughed then pushed to his feet. Reaching out, he offered a hand. “Come on. You need a shower and your bed.”
I was too tired to fight him. Too tired for everything. “When did you get so smart?”
He held open the door to the gym for me. “I’ve always been smart. Which is why I hope you’ll listen to me when I say that if you love her, you shouldn’t let her go.”