43. The Confession
CHAPTER 43
The Confession
SHEN I held him there by my hand. If anything were to happen between us, we had to move past this. I already had. He was forgiven. But until he forgave himself, there would be no change.
That was the odd thing about shame. It perpetuated a cycle of pain that brought you back around to the same mistakes you’d made to begin with. Shen had craved blood to satiate his pain—it was his drug. It had been my drug, too, once. Killing creatures for Grandmother had brought me joy. Until I found the truth. And then I found forgiveness through Fen when I released him from the Red’s prison.
Until Shen forgave himself and stopped the cycle, he would make the same mistake again. Forgiveness was the pathway to true freedom.
But I couldn’t tell him that. He had to find it for himself.
And if he didn’t, I couldn’t be with him. I wouldn’t. I had seen what trying to save a person from themselves had meant through Rey and my sister: it would eventually kill my soul. He had to save himself and become the man I knew he could be. I would support him. I would be his friend. But he wouldn't steal my peace to satiate his own destruction.
Though I didn't see Shen doing such a thing, people could surprise you. So until he showed himself healing, I couldn’t be with him.
“I want you to forgive me so I can let it go,” he said at last.
His eyes never left mine. I searched his soul through them, trying to find the man I knew and hoping I hadn’t seen a mirage of what I’d hoped for. “You know I can’t do that,” I said. His entire being collapsed.
“I will go. All you need do is reject me, and you never need see me again?—”
“You idiotic—GAH!” I said, throwing my hands in the air. “Would you just shut up for a moment and let me explain?”
His head jerked back to meet my eyes, confusion furrowing his brow. “What?”
“I can’t make you forgive yourself. Even if I forgive you, you won’t be free of his blood until you free yourself.”
“How?” he whispered.
“There’s a little thing called forgiveness. It doesn’t mean forgetting, it means letting go of what was to understand what is. You killed a man in cold blood. What makes you different now than you were then?” I asked.
He looked away. “I do not know.”
I nodded. “Until you know that, you won’t be able to make the changes you need.” I leaned my forehead against his. “Go get the help you need. It can’t come from me.”
He sighed, breathing in my scent. “Will you?—”
“Will I?” I asked.
“Will you also get the help you need?” I scrunched up my nose. He leaned back, smiling down at it. “And do not try to wiggle out. You and I both know you are not asking for help.”
I clenched my teeth, a rising anxiety making my shoulders clench. My breath caught in my chest. There was so much to do, so many things to take care of. Everything was happening so fast, everyone needed something. The elders were waiting for me to decide on what to do about the rogues on square eleven, Anna was needing her night tea to help her sleep through the nightmares, and the one person I thought I could depend on was needing help I couldn’t give.
If I did, it would lead to him depending on me as a second mother. To look at me to get what he needed instead of providing it for himself. If I had learned anything from my parents, it was that a relationship is a partnership. You aren’t there to supply what each other needs but to be their supporter so they can supply what they need for themselves.
Needs are odd things. One person can’t fulfill every need a person has, and if they tried, it would be a losing battle. They would burn out and become nearly resentful.
Take those words, Two-Legs, and apply them to yourself, Ran said.
I nearly scoffed, but remembered I was sitting there with Shen. He had a knowing half smile on his face, despite the pain in his eyes.
I don ’ t need ? —
Two-Legs, you need help and you won ’ t admit it.
“What is the lovely dragon saying to put such a frown on your face?”
Lovely, hmm? He ’ s trying to fire an ember.
Is it working? I asked, humor making my lips quirk.
Yet to be seen, she replied with a hint of warmth.
“Nothing,” I said to Shen.
“You never answered my previous question.”
I shrugged. “I?—”
“If you say you do not need help, I will take your dragon for a ride.”
“You wouldn ’ t ,” I said, pushing his shoulder.
He sobered, becoming still as he furrowed his brows. “I wish I could be the one to be here for you, but you are right. I cannot provide for you while I am struggling myself. Can we not support each other during our trials instead of separating?”
Fear struck my core, and I didn’t know why.
His eyes softened. “Why does this frighten you?”
My brows furrowed and then my mouth dropped when he tapped his nose. Blasted heightened werewolf senses. “No secrets around that nose, huh?” I said.
He shook his head.
“I don’t know how,” I whispered.
“Would you like to tell me more about what you mean?”
I shrugged, picking a flower and slowly dismantling the petals. “It’s been so long. I don’t know how to work through things… together. I’d prefer separate.”
His face fell, but he nodded. “I respect that. Dragon breath, I understand. Just… please find someone here to help you?”
My breath left again as things ran through my mind. I knew of no one I trusted enough to help. Not anyone who wasn’t already overloaded.
I nodded, both of us knowing it was a lie.