44. Find Your Why
CHAPTER 44
Find Your Why
SHEN
I t all began when I was a child. And now I did not know how to adjust to this sudden amount of freedom before me.
I did not have to return to my old pack. I was free of Alpha Command.
The problem? I was adrift. The thing which had defined me nearly my entire life—my prison and my absolution—was gone. The woman I had tried to tie myself to in order to absolve myself of the guilt was also gone.
For the first time, I was free. It pained me to admit it, but even after years of imagining this day, I had no idea what to do. My life was oddly similar to a boat being tossed into a storm, and I had just lost both my oars.
Doc sat on his porch, reading a book and smoking a pipe that was fogging up his glasses. It was his day off from helping Alia with the needy, his day to recuperate from everything. He had come back to check on his family and relax.
I wished I could let him relax, but I knew not of another time to come for help. Besides, I trusted him to send me away if he could not handle me and my issues. He had done so before only to come back later and help me through things, explaining that he had had to recuperate his energy before assisting. I had understood and respected that about him.
“Why do you wear those blasted things?”
Doc chuckled. “For the same reason you wear different personalities, I suppose. It is an armor of a sort, to be underestimated.” He glanced at me over those glasses. “What is on your mind, Sheng-Li?”
I smiled as I sat down on the porch. I listened to the birds sing and a creek bubble that was not too far from the house. “It has been a long time since anyone has called me that.”
“It is a good name. A strong name.”
“Papa would be appalled at what I have become.”
“Your father would be shocked at what you have been through, yes. Appalled at what you did, also yes. But he would be proud of the man you have become.”
Why his words brought light to the darkness drowning my chest was a mystery. “You stab straight to the heart,” I said, though I was smiling.
Doc turned the page of his book. “It is why you come to me, yes?”
I leaned my elbows against the top step. “How does one go about getting over what I have been through?”
I heard a thud. I glanced back to see the book laying on the ground and Doc pulling his glasses off to stare at me. “Are you free, my boy?”
A tiny smile crossed my face. He sat back, almost as if his entire body had given way.
“Oh, dear boy. How long have I awaited this day!” He slowly picked up his book, hiding his deep grey eyes from me. But they still shined with a sheen of tears when he glanced up, searching me. “And how do you feel?”
I shook my head. “Adrift.”
Doc nodded, sucking his pipe and puffing out the smoke. “Makes sense. Everything you have ever known has changed in an instant, and you are now responsible for all the choices you make.”
I dropped my chin to my chest. “Yes,” I whispered.
I heard his amused puff of air. “The little Red rubbed off on you, huh? Of course she did. She is a right catch, that one.”
“She is my fated mate.”
Doc whistled. “I figured she was special to you. Did not realize how much?—”
“I killed her grandfather.”
His mouth closed with a snap of his teeth. “You did wha… oh dear. Better to begin at the beginning, my boy. This sounds like a right tale. I will get the missus to bring us some tea.”
Doc whistled. “Your tale is quite unique. What do you want to do now?”
I ran a hand through my hair, my emotions sending spikes of pain down to my chest. It was also… freeing. A nice release. Even if it hurt, it was a healing pain. “I want to be strong. For her. But she does not seem to mind my weakness, nor does she covet my strength. I do not know how to make her see that I can care for her. She does not want to be protected, although she needs to be protected from herself. She gives and gives until she nearly dies and then gets up and does it again. I fear one day she will give and it will be her last. She has a heart so pure, so soft and kind, but strong enough to lead an entire people into a new idea they need yet do not wish to accept. I want to be there for her. I want her to ask me for what she needs instead of me having to guess. I want to be strong enough to help her mentally and physically.”
“But what do you want, Sheng-Li? What are your goals now that you are free? You seem to have become obsessed with your mate, which is easy to do, I assure you, especially at this stage. But it is not healthy. She is not your everything, she is your other half. Your partner, should she allow it. She cannot provide you with the healing you need in order to be a healthy individual who can release the past and let the dead lie. So I ask again, what do you want ?”
I put my head in my hands and tugged on my hair. “I do not know,” I confessed.
Doc leaned back, his chair creaking. “Good, good. It is fine not to know. When you dreamed of this day, what did you wish for?”
A small smile crossed my face. “I wished for my siblings to race in the woods. To protect the innocent and the weak so the training I had gone through would not be in vain. To release my darkness so it would not taint my present.”
“Now we are talking. Let us begin with the last, shall we? Why can you not release it?”
“You know as well as I the sin I have. I gave into the bloodlust that day and let it soothe the pain.”
“You allowed the drug of pain to soothe the pain of losing your father to the Reds. You killed the one you felt responsible who turned out to be innocent, and that led you down an unforgivable path in your mind, correct?” I did not have to say it for the thoughts to be plain on my face. Doc always read me too well. “I understand your thoughts. You were a thirteen-year-old child, Sheng-Li. You were not yet a man. You were trained in the art of war and shocked into action. You made a mistake. A terrible, horrible mistake. One you need to atone for. One you must ask the Creator to forgive you for, because only he can absolve you of your wrongdoing. He is a just King and will gladly do so should you come to him. He knows you deeper than any other being will ever be able. In his eyes, you are his son. Now and always. And what you did was a mistake.”
“You make it sound so very simple. I killed a man. Took him from his family. Created the same pain in my mate as I had for losing my father.”
“You did that, yes. You did that. But can you go back and change it?” he asked. I shook my head. “Seems to me your little firecracker has yet to kill you, so I do suppose she has forgiven you. But she saw something beyond her years. Until you release the shame, you cannot live in the now, and that is not something she is willing to put up with. So you have a decision to make. Will you hold so tightly to your shame because it feels normal and safe and miss what life has to offer? Or will you let it go and stop playing the victim of the past and take control of your future? You have a power, my boy. You always have, you just needed to be in a place to see it. Your strength is now in your decisions. You may not yet see it, but choice is the greatest power any of us will ever hold. And remember, a decision made is nearly always better than a decision left to fester until it is made for you.”
I nodded. Not entirely certain I understood all that, but it was something I would take and chew on. Alia needed help. Everything she was holding onto was slowly killing her, whether she knew it or not.
And then I saw it.
“We are much alike,” I whispered.
Doc chuckled. “Oh dear boy, you have no idea how alike and how very different the species of women are from men. You are in for a treat of your entire lifetime; and the greatest mystery of the universe, which will drive you to insanity.”
“Heard you, you blasted piney wyvern!”
Doc grinned. “See?” he mouthed.
“Heard that too!”
Doc’s face grew red as he sputtered. “There was nothing to hear, woman!”
“Wasn’t there? After fifty-five years, I know how your brain works!” Mrs. Vika stepped from the house, a rolling pin in her hands and an apron powdered with flour on her generously round figure. Her face softened when she took me in. “I heard just a bit, deary. You having relational problems?”
“Our boy here found his mate. She kicked him out to get himself help to heal before she would take the lad back.”
She winced. “Ouch. Sounds to me you’ve got you a right dragon of a girly.” I barely hold in a snicker. She had no idea how true that was. “But you, you are taking it to heart, hmm? Good kid. Want me to speak with her?”
I shook my head. “I appreciate the offer, Mrs. Vika, but I would prefer to deal with this as I can myself.”
“I respect that, deary. I right respect that. How’s she holding up?”
Alia’s pale face from the last time I saw her passed through my mind. I shook my head. “Not good. She does not like to ask for help.”
“Sounds like someone else I know,” Mrs. Vika said. “And how many times have I gotta tell you it’s not Mrs. nothin’!”
I grinned at her, feeling as if I were once more a boy with my father introducing me to his oldest friend and his mate. Soon as I called her Mrs. Vika, she had shaken her rolling pin at me and said to simply call her Vika.
It had been a battle ever since.
“Of course, Mrs. Vika.”
“Why you cheeky little?—”
“Vika, dear, we are here to help the lad, not kill him.”
“I wasn’t gonna kill ’em,” she replied. "Just rough ’em up a bit."
“Thank you,” I said to Doc.
Doc shook his head as Mrs. Vika’s eyes flashed.
“The girl is the one who stayed with the fever a while back,” Doc said, leaning back in his chair and smoking his pipe as I ducked the rolling pin. I gave him a nod of gratitude for changing the subject.
“Oh, that cute little thing? She was a Red, wasn’t she?” Mrs. Vika said, getting a swat on my arm before I was able to dodge. If the assassins knew how fast this lady was with her rolling pin, they would conscript her services.
Thankfully, no one ever knew I had had my butt handed to me on a silver platter many a time by a woman old enough to be my grandmother.
“She was. Smart little thing. Knew remedies like the back of her hand. Caring, too. Saved the behind of little Sheng-Li here before he cared for her and saved her in return. She was spicy and suspicious, but sweet.”
I dodged a flying roller pin. It sailed over my head into the trees. I trotted over to pick it up and handed it back to Mrs. Vika with a bow. She huffed, blowing a strand of gray hair from her eyes. Then she smiled and opened her arms.
My lips twitched. I stepped into her warm embrace, and I would be a dragon’s egg if it did not feel like coming home.
“You’re gonna be alright, deary. Life has struggles, but it has its good times, too. Ain’t no person ever chased a dragon who wasn’t burned by the breath. The open skies are worth a few burns, aye?”
My body melted. Muscles which had long been clenched slowly released.
She held me as she once held a child who had lost his father and just killed a man. I had still had blood on my hands and face when she took me in her arms and nearly strangled me as I stood still as a rock, unable to cry. She had cried enough for us both as she rocked me.
This time I smiled.
And in that moment, I decided.
I would no longer let life guide me. No longer let it strip me until I was a shell of myself. No longer let it choose for me.
Bad things had come, and I had become them. I had let them define me. But I was not the things I did. I am going to be different.
Forgive me, Source of all Creation and Creator of all. I am so sorry for what I have done to your creation.
A gentle peace guided over me, soothing the jagged pains of my soul. It helped me see the mistake for what it was: a hurting thirteen-year-old boy with too much power. I had chosen wrong then and many, many times since.
But Source and her Father were just, and they gave of themselves so we could be forgiven. Now, I could focus on who I wanted to be, not on the guilt of what had been.
Source help me, life would be different.
I was taking back my power.
I was taking back my choice.
Things would no longer just happen to me. I would make things happen.
First, I would see if Alia would have me. If she would not, I would still become the man I wanted to be. Not for her, but for myself.
Because I was worth the work to be who I wanted, no matter how long it took.