Chapter 19
Chapter Nineteen
F rigid wind whipped against my fragile skin, shivers tearing through the length of my body. I tried to tuck myself into a ball, yearning for any amount of warmth to return to my frozen limbs.
Just five more minutes of sleep, that was all I wanted. It was no use; the cold was merciless, seeping into every part of me until I couldn’t stand it any longer. Unleashing my wrath, I sat up in a fit of rage.
The sun almost blinded me, creeping through the arched window, which for some reason had been left open. No wonder I was freezing.
Looking through the window, I could see hues of yellow and orange splashed across an otherwise colorless sky; I ignored the beauty.
Everything was eerily quiet, dawn bringing no sounds of life, even the birds refused to sing.
Instinctively, I turned, half hoping to find Maalikai still asleep on the mattress. No such luck. All that remained was a perfectly made bed.
“He’s not here.” Sebastian rolled onto his back, chucking a pillow behind his head.
Pretending I was oblivious, I gave him a piercing look. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Sebastian pushed himself up, so he sat next to me, rubbing the sleep from bleary eyes. “He left about twenty minutes ago.”
If I looked even half as bad as Sebastian did, I was in a world of hurt. A pang of guilt rocked through me. He had stayed up most of the night looking after me— despite our fight. Making sure I didn’t sneak out again.
“I still have no idea what you’re talking about.” My tone was soft, testing the fissures that had formed between us.
“You don’t need to hide anything from me? including your feelings for him .” He took a gulp of air, like it physically hurt him to say it.
“Sebastian…”
He didn’t let me continue. “After our fight yesterday, I went for a run and had time to calm down. You were right. It’s not fair for me to expect you to be anything other than the perfect creature I love and adore.” He took another stuttered breath that looked like it caused him physical pain. “Even if losing you is the most terrifying thought, I know who you are—and who you need to be. I will never try to diminish that again.”
The weight of his words surrounded me, sinking into my lungs until even air felt like a privilege I no longer deserved.
“I don’t know if I can risk losing you,” I whispered. “It would break me.”
Understanding flickered in his eyes.
I didn’t speak another word.
I couldn’t.
Instead, I reached for his hand—fingers trembling as they found his—and he didn’t hesitate. He just held on, like I had claimed his very reason for existing.
“Em, I’ve known you your entire life, and there is nothing you could even attempt to hide from me. Not a damn thing, you hear me. So, say what you need to say.”
It shouldn’t have surprised me that Sebastian would see straight through me, but I wasn’t used to this level of vulnerability, even with him.
Knowing how I viewed myself was one thing, the thoughts of unworthiness were a constant companion, incessant. But it was something I kept to myself. Voicing how I truly felt about myself was too vulnerable.
However, the fissures in my restraint had fractured beyond repair–and the words spilled out of me before I could stop them.
“I’m not enough, not for either one of you.”
His gaze collided with mine, liquid amber swimming with something I couldn’t name.
I didn’t know what to say.
Didn’t know how to breathe.
He just stared at me like he was seeing me for the first time. Like I had told him something that made him question his own existance.
“No.” His voice was sharp. Not loud—but commanding.
“Don’t do that. Don’t you dare do that.” I blinked, startled by the sudden fire in his tone. “You think I made this up? That I imagined you into someone good and strong and worth loving?” He shook his head, jaw clenched, eyes blazing now. “I’ve seen you, Em. At your best. At your worst. I’ve watched you fight for people who didn’t deserve it, carry burdens that should’ve broken you, and still find a way to protect everyone but yourself.”
“Bastian…” My voice broke around his name.
Amber faltered as his gaze caught mine, startled—like he hadn’t expected me to fall apart now. But I was already crumbling.
“I’m not that girl.” The words tumbled out before I could stop them. “I’m not soft. Nor gentle. I’m not… good.” My throat burned. My vision blurred. “I try to be. I do. But I mess everything up. I hurt people I love. I say the wrong things, push too hard, fall too fast and never in the right direction. I’m always too much or not enough, and—” I cut off, dragging in a shaking breath. “You see something in me that isn’t there.” I pressed a trembling hand to my chest, as if that would hold the shattering pieces together. “And one day you’re going to wake up and realize I never deserved even a fraction of your love.”
He closed the distance between us, his air becoming mine and it took everything inside me not to close the distance between us and claim him like I wanted.
“Don’t you dare sit there and tell me you’re not good. That you’re not enough. Because if you weren’t—if none of that was real — then Gods help me, I don’t know who I’ve been in love with all these years.”
Silence.
Obliterating.
Soul-crushing.
“And if Maalikai doesn’t see what I see?” His voice dropped to a whisper. “Then he doesn’t deserve you either.”
All I could feel was the heartbreakingly raw ache in my chest—clawing through me until it claimed me entirely. He thought I deserved all of that. All that love, all that devotion. And here I was, not even knowing how to want it properly. So, how could I believe I was worthy of any of it.
The breath between us pulsed like something about to shatter. The quiet felt like something sacred—like a prayer whispered too late, left unanswered by the Gods. It lingered like a divine test, sharp-edged and waiting to see which of us would bleed first.
And then I broke.
A sob tore through me—raw and ragged, pulled from someplace deep and aching. I pressed a hand to my mouth like I could stop the feelings from spilling fourth, but it was too late. The tears came hard and fast, spilling over as the weight of everything finally collapsed in on itself.
All the guilt.
All the doubt.
All the love I didn’t know how to carry.
More than anything else in this world, I wanted Sebastian to be right. I wanted to believe I was good enough. I wanted to mean something, but I had trouble believing I could be worthy enough of anyone’s love.
Both of them deserved better than me, deserved so much more than what I had to offer. Which was defiance and stubbornness mostly.
Sebastian didn’t speak. He didn’t move. He just opened his arms. And Gods, I hated myself for collapsing into them—but I did.
Because even if he wasn’t mine, he was still my everything.
He had no expectations.
No demands.
Just that simple, steady warmth.
We sat there in the quiet, our hearts still cracked open—bleeding for things we couldn’t say.
But we were still us.
And for now… that had to be enough.
“Come on, let’s get up. It will make you feel better.”
I didn’t argue. I watched as Sebastian rose to his feet, before offering me a hand and pulling me to mine.
He grabbed a fresh shirt out of one of the drawers, discarding the one he wore in a dirty clothes basket. I found it fascinating how he had claimed some of my room for himself.
It shouldn’t have been a surprise; he always bunked with me when I visited. He must’ve been sick of having to fetch clothes from his room.
“Ready?”
“Wait a sec, I need to change.”
Shutting Sebastian out of my room, I rummaged through my backpack. As quickly as possible, I shimmied out of my night attire, slipping a pair of long pants over my hips and securely fastening them around my waist. Grabbing a stunning emerald dress out of my pack, I pulled it over my head, making sure it completely covered the pants I wore, before slipping a dagger into the sheath at my thighs.
Sebastian had waited for me outside my bedroom. As we reached the living room, I heard footsteps from one of the other rooms. Cursing under my breath, I only managed to take a couple of steps before I heard my mother’s voice.
“Emylia, is that you?”
My heart plummeted, free-falling until it reached the depths of my stomach. Looking over my shoulder, I saw my mother appearing from the hallway, her luscious brown hair falling in waves down her back. A wine-red satin dress clinging to her perfect figure like it had been poured onto her skin, every smooth surface catching the light, every curve crowned in elegance–regal, radiant, untouchable. She embodied effortless grace, looking less like a woman and more like a queen.
I was still pissy at her for her involvement last night. Though my uncle had been the harshest, he and Sebastian were the only two I had completely forgiven so far.
“Good morning.” My mother’s arms wrapped around me; I tensed for only a millisecond before falling into the comfort of her arms. “I’m sorry for last night,” she whispered.
“Me too,” I conceded.
It turned out I unraveled far too easily where she was concerned–every sharp edge of mine melted at her touch. I was nothing but undone edges and soft resolve, no matter how much I liked to believe I was made of molten fire. Around her, I simply turned to ash.
“We’re all just trying to keep you safe.”
“Did you ever think that maybe I didn’t need your protection?”
“You’re my daughter; you will always need my protection.” Her gaze cut me straight to the core.
“I know.” I faltered for a second, taking a step back.
I understood where she was coming from, it just made me feel like I was fragile.
I’d spent my whole life trying to prove I was more–that I was solid, unshakable, worth something. But no matter how hard I fought, how much of myself I gave, the world still looked at me like I was nothing. And the worst part?
I was starting to believe it… because maybe they weren’t wrong. Maybe I was never anything more than a girl pretending to matter.
Why couldn’t they, why couldn’t I, have faith that I was more capable than any of us believed?
“I’m sorry.”
My mom pulled me in for a second hug, her arms wrapping around me like she needed the reassurance that I was okay.
That was strange, even for her.
But maybe losing my father made her look at the world differently. She was probably terrified that I would be ripped away from her just like he was.
My arms tightened around her, giving her all the reassurance I could. “Mom, I’m fine.”
She nodded, wiping a stray tear. Clearing her throat, she gave me a forced smile. “What are your plans for today?”
“Are we allowed to visit Olag?”
My mother looked between Sebastian and me. “Thrainn said that as long as you have Sebastian by your side, you can go anywhere inside Ophelia, but not a step outside. Guards are patrolling our border.”
“Excellent.”
“But remember, only if Sebastian is by your side,” she reminded.
She knew me well enough to know that telling me at least three times was required on all rules, and even then…
“Don’t worry, I’m not about to shirk off my shadow.”
Before we could leave, two balls of flaming red hair shot towards me, bombarding me with gigantic hugs.
“Emylia you’re here, you’re here.” Stephanie and Rebekah, the twins, sang in unison.
It was crazy to think they were already five years old; I remembered how small they’d both been when they were just born.
“You two have been busy! I haven’t even seen you since I got here!” I exclaimed.
The twins wore identical blue dresses with their normally vibrant red, curly hair plaited in two piggy tails. They squeezed me in an intimate embrace, and I hugged them back, holding them longer than I needed.
I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed them until this moment. Now that they were in my arms, I felt guilty for not visiting sooner. It was just so hard to see all of them when they reminded me so much of my father and what we were missing.
Their family was whole, happy, and carefree, while my family was in ruins, both my mother and I broken.
“I’ve missed the two of you.” I meant every word.
The girls smiled in unison, their features identical. What was with twins running in our family?
Both of the girls took one of my hands and pulled me further into the living room. “Mother! Mother, can we play with Em?”
Triska looked up, a smile spreading over her face as she stroked a stray strand of flaming red hair behind her ear. Without hesitation, she pulled me into a warm embrace.
“Emylia. I barely spoke to you in all the chaos last night. And I certainly didn’t get to hug you.”
I instantly melted. “Hi.”
She smirked at me. “I heard you caused some trouble last night.”
I pulled out of the embrace, giving her one of my most angelic grins. “Me? Never,” I said innocently.
“I wouldn’t expect anything less,” she said with a mischievous smile.
Bending down, I cupped a hand to each of the twins’ faces, before smiling. “I’ll be back soon. Okay? Then we can play.”
Both girls smiled, nodding enthusiastically before running back to their room.