Chapter 13
Noah
“We need to talk about the next round of Win-A-Date applicants.”
I groaned. Ella had cornered me backstage before our show. Given I was looking through my wardrobe choices with Simone, I couldn’t exactly run away.
Even if it was exactly what I wanted to do.
“Pretty sure I only agreed to the one date. So I don’t know what we have to talk about.” I grabbed a ripped-up heather-gray tee off my rack and pawed through the jeans like it was the most fascinating thing ever.
“Come on, Noah. That date was an unmitigated disaster. You’re getting eviscerated on social media. So you have to do another date. Which means you need to pick one. Or more than one. You could go out with as many as you want. But you need to start picking.” Ella cocked a hip in front of me and gave me that look I was getting used to seeing from the women in my life.
I liked to call it annoyance mixed with a touch of disappointment. “How about you just pick for me again?”
“Pretty sure we proved that the only person who should be doing the picking is you.”
“You say that like this was my idea. I wasn’t the one who invited dozens of strangers to vie for my attention.” I picked a random pair of jeans off the rack. “You can thank your brother for this brilliant scheme.”
“Oh we’ve already had words. Believe me. I had to fix the website twice because it crashed. And I hate that stuff.”
“Fun times. I gotta get dressed.”
“Not in that.” Simone pulled the pants out of my hands and shoved a different pair at me. They looked the same to me, but what did I know?
All I knew was that I really enjoyed the look on Ella’s face as I escaped into the small dressing room in the corner.
But I should’ve known she wouldn’t give up that easily.
After I took too long to put on a tee and a pair of jeans, and once I thought she had to’ve wandered off to take pictures of something else, I exited the room and straight into Ella’s laptop screen.
“Pick. One. Or twelve. I don’t care. But we have to get this party moving. Your guys’ socials are getting insane. Ravenous. We don’t need to foster that kinda mentality from your fans. So pick .”
Wow.
“Okay, okay. Calm your tits.” I took the laptop out of her hands before she embedded it into my skull. But I couldn’t make sense out of what I was staring at. Last time Ella had gone through and printed out what she thought were my five best bets. Ha. “But how do I pick?”
“Are you serious? Are you really going to pretend you haven’t been on a dating app?” Ella scoffed then her tone turned condescending as she went on, “You read the bios. You look at the pictures. And then you pick the one or more than one that gives you a certain feeling in your special area .”
“Uh, I just meant I didn’t know how to navigate your database here.” I pointed at the screen.
“Shit. Sorry.” Ella winced.
“Not trying to get hit or anything, but maybe you should have something to eat. The baby is probably hungry.”
“What I really need is about twelve hours of sleep. That’s all my body wants to do lately, since it started making another human. I’m exhausted all the time.”
Given the shadows under her eyes that even her concealer couldn’t cover—and something I was too smart to point out—I wasn’t surprised.
With my arm around her, I guided Ella to the plush sofa in the middle of the room. I settled her at one end, placed her laptop at the other, then went to grab a donut and a water. Once Ella was happily munching on her snack with her legs slung over me so she could recline on the couch, she showed me how to navigate her database.
“You can sort by age, gender, hair color, location—”
“Wait, back up a minute. Gender? You mean…”
“That there’s more than one gender to select? Yes.”
Shit, this was awkward.
Harper laughed as she sat across from us with a donut in her hand too. “It’s not that big of a deal. You don’t have to pick a guy. But the option is there if you’re interested.”
“I’d have no problem picking a guy and hanging out—as long as he knew it was ending there. Sounds like fun, actually. I can never have too many friends.” I looked between their skeptical expressions. “Hey, I’m a proud, straight man. I own my sexuality. What’s wrong with that?”
Cough, cough . “Not lately,” Jesse cut in with a fake cough. “Have you grown your virginity back? Is that a thing? And why the hell are you feeling up my wife?”
He lifted his wife’s legs off of me and wiggled between us until I was barely holding onto my end of the couch.
I scowled at him. “Calm your tits, Jesse. I was giving my coworker a break off her feet while we go through the stupid date applications. She’s helping me pick one again.”
“Or more than one.” Ella raised her eyebrows. “Of any gender of your choosing. Whatever or whoever floats your boat.”
“Please don’t talk about Noah’s boat,” Jesse said in a stage whisper. “You might spook it. It hasn’t been seen by another human in a long time.”
“You guys suck,” I muttered as I clicked through the screens. Then I groaned. “I just hate this shit. I can’t pick a person based off a bio and picture. This is why I don’t do dating apps.”
“We’re rock stars. We don’t need dating apps.” Jesse scoffed before pulling the laptop away from me. “Let me see what we’re dealing with. Whoa. Are all the pictures like this?”
I looked over Jesse’s shoulder at the woman sprawled topless on white sheets. “Pretty much.”
Jesse shook his head and clicked through the pictures that got more explicit. “How can you possibly have a hard time picking? We’ve brought the mountain to Mohamad. Get to humping already.”
“Um, excuse me?” Ella waved her donut. “Seriously?”
“What?” Jesse turned to her with wide eyes. “That’s what this whole thing was about. Getting Noah laid. We’re genuinely worried about him.”
“Wow. Just wow.” Ella threw Jesse a disgusted look, swung her legs off the couch and stomped away.
“Sweetheart, come back. I didn’t…” Jesse shoved the laptop back at me then took off after his wife, shouting endearments at her retreating back.
“What a dipshit,” I muttered as I looked at the screen.
I don’t know. Maybe I was the dipshit. I had dozens of women all vying to go out with me, and I was apathetic.
After a while, they all started to look alike. All skinny. Fake tits. Tousled hair. Pouty lips. Most were topless—at the least. All had that glint in their eyes. I could easily imagine snorting a line with any of them.
Fuck.
I shoved the computer away in disgust.
That. That right there was why I couldn’t do this.
“Everything okay, Noah?” Harper asked with a frown.
I’d forgotten she’d been sitting there, donut long gone, and now tapping at her ever-present tablet.
My shoulders jerked, and I hunched forward, clasping my hands together. “I don’t know. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. You pick. Just don’t pick someone who looks like they might use. Okay?”
Harper shook her head. “I don’t think—”
“Please, Harper?” I drove my fingers through my hair and tugged at my scalp. The tinge of pain centered me for a second. “I can’t look at the pictures anymore. They’re making me…itchy. Please?”
“Of course.” She grabbed the laptop, closed it, and tucked it into her arms. Almost like she was trying to protect me from my evil thoughts. It would’ve been sweet if it weren’t so fucking sad.
Goddamn, I was a sad sack.
I shifted my shoulders like I could shake the thoughts away. Spoiler alert: it didn’t work. “I just…it’s a trigger. Back when I was using, a lot of the time it was with groupies. Hell, half the time they were the ones holding. At least at first. That’s how it started, I think. Fuck, it’s all a blur really.”
“Is that what happened last time? Did going out with what’s-her-face make you want to use?”
“No, actually Ella did a good job picking someone who was…kinda normal—at first. But then she started whining about paying her attention and wanting to leave the show while Alice and them were still onstage. I don’t know. It was annoying. She was annoying. So I said some things and she left.” I groaned, rubbing my eyes. “But now looking at all these profiles, it’s…it’s a lot.”
“Maybe this was a mistake.” Harper sighed. “You don’t have to do it, Noah. Especially if it will affect your sobriety. Your health and happiness come first.”
I shook my head. “I can do it. Just, can you do the choosing? And pick someone who looks…nice? Maybe one who isn’t leading with her Only Fans pics?”
“Sure thing. Do you need to talk about anything?”
My tenuous sobriety clearly concerned her, but I already felt vulnerable enough. So I shook my head.
She gave me an encouraging nod. “Okay. But I’m here if you need anything. Anything .”
As she walked away, something occurred to me so I shouted at her back: “Someone age appropriate? No grannies. Or men! Please .”
I lifted my hands in a praying gesture.
Harper shook her head with a laugh. “Man, you’re getting all high maintenance suddenly. I’ll see what I can do.”
But I didn’t feel any better, even with her promise.
Fuck me. I needed a meeting.
I pulled out my phone to check nearby meeting times and noticed I had an unread text.
Alice : I’m volunteering tomorrow morning. Best bet is to come first thing. Should be fewer people then. 300 E Gallerina Dr in Henderson
I smiled at my screen. Honestly, I hadn’t expected her to ever text me back. And I definitely didn’t think she’d want to hook me up. Maybe I was finally making up some of the ground I’d scorched and salted. I was still smiling as I texted back.
Me : Thanks. I’ll be there
I didn’t expect her to reply, so I toggled to search NA meeting times. Then my phone pinged with a new text.
Alice : You sure that’s not too early? Kinda thought that would be my out. You’re not exactly living up to the whole rock star image here
I laughed.
Me : Only thing waiting for me after the concert tonight is an NA meeting coz I’m boring like that now
Alice : Shoot. Sorry. Forgot .
Me : Eh, no worries. See ya tomorrow. First thing
I didn’t wait to see if she’d reply. And despite the turn the convo had taken, I did feel lighter as I stood up and waited for everyone to gather round for the kickoff mocktail.
And I really loved the way Alice blushed when she met my eyes as we all held up our glasses.
* * *
The next day, I sat in my Range Rover in the parking lot and gave serious thought to buying a chopper. Or maybe one of those crotch rockets. What were they called? Something fast. Something that would get the blood pumping and make me feel like I was living again.
I had a hard time keeping myself upright and functional. Why would I ever want to take on the obligation of caring for something else?
It’d definitely be easier to just put gas in a Harley.
And a Harley would never pee all over my shoes.
I’d pulled out my phone to text as much to Alice when someone knocked on my window.
Alice.
I rolled down my window and held up my phone. “I was just going to text you.”
“Well, now you don’t need to.” She gave me a smile. “Come on. The door should be open.”
“I…” Realized I couldn’t disappoint her. She looked so happy and hopeful.
Shit.
I was a schmuck.
I didn’t have to actually adopt a dog. People probably left all the time without a pet. That could be me. Going inside didn’t mean I was adopting a dog today.
I climbed out of my car, took a second to lock it, and by the time I’d turned back Alice was already halfway across the parking lot, heading toward the government looking building. But it wasn’t the sandy bricked building with the green metal roof that grabbed my attention. It was the slight sway of Alice’s hips and the way her tiny little butt bubbled out behind her.
I closed my eyes with a muffled groan. Christ. This might be harder than I’d thought it would be.
Once I’d opened them, I found Alice standing on the sidewalk with an expectant expression.
“Did you change your mind?”
Christ. If she only knew. I’d changed my mind about a whole long list of things—her being at the very top.
But I couldn’t admit as much. I was trying to be a better man. Or less of a douche anyhow. So I headed across the parking lot as my answer, and Alice watched me walk the whole way.
When I got to her side, she tilted her head and looked up at me. “Don’t feel like you have to commit today. It’s a little overwhelming just walking into this building. It’s probably best you sleep on any decision you want to make. Jumping in with emotion can lead to regret later. Believe me.”
I chuckled wryly. “Oh you don’t have to tell me. I have the war wounds to prove it.”
Alice’s eyes searched mine like she was testing my sincerity, and her suspicion had me flinching inside. Had I been that big of an ass to her? She couldn’t even tell if I was being a jerk.
Fuck my life.
Since it was only us standing in the parking lot, I decided to lay it out there. “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. Before you knocked on my window, I was thinking about bailing. Maybe get a motorcycle instead. I don’t know if I can do this. I’m having a hard time keeping myself upright and functioning lately.”
“Preach.” Alice smiled slightly. After a beat, she tipped her head toward the building. “I meant what I said. I don’t think it’s a good idea if you jump in and adopt a dog today, especially if you’re on the fence on the whole pet ownership thing from the start. But we can always use another set of hands around here, so come on in. Maybe some pet therapy will help you decide which way to go.”
Despite my doubts, I docilely followed Alice into chaos.