Chapter 29
TWENTY-NINE
ARIELLA
The house doesn’t feel or look any different to when I moved in, after I’ve packed my belongings ready to go to the airport. It only reinforces what I already know. This was never my home.
It has been a calm day. Caleb and I moved around each other quietly. He packed the final bits to move into his new place later tonight. He spent the rest of the day checking the house and ensuring we haven’t left anything. Things haven’t been the same since that night at Dominic’s and, while we are still together and talking, there remains a distance between us that neither of us can reach across. What used to be intimacy-filled nights with intermittent spells of sleepy chatter are now silent as Caleb holds on to me with a hand on my belly.
I don’t have much to say either. All I can feel is the fog around me getting thicker, pushing me deeper into myself. I’m returning home in a state that I never could have imagined. Single, unemployable thanks to the pregnancy, with no idea what the future holds. Everything is destroyed and it’s only a matter of time before my relationship with Caleb deteriorates too.
The only shining light is that we are creating something beautiful, but the devastating truth that I dare not tell anyone is that I feel nothing for it. From everything you see, watch, read and hear, I’m meant to be beyond awe and over the moon, but I’m not. I feel nothing. Caleb was the socket of love, power, excitement and joy that I plugged into, and now it’s gone. The most frightening thought that is currently lurking, is that there might be a future where I won’t love this baby, and it makes me feel guilty, anxious, overwhelmed and vulnerable. At the same time, to admit that out loud would be almost blasphemous; so I have no choice but to carry these feelings silently.
My thoughts are interrupted by the doorbell as I sit on the couch alone.
‘I’ll get it,’ Caleb calls from upstairs as he dashes down.
‘Is she still here?’ I hear Lara ask and I turn to see her push Caleb aside.
‘Hello to you too. Hey, Honey.’
‘Oh phew. Good.’ Lara sounds out of breath.
‘Hey. What’s going on?’ I ask her.
‘Honey and I talked about it. I’m coming with you.’
‘What? No, I’ll be fine,’ I protest. Lara and Honey just got together and she’s still looking for a job.
‘Shut up, Aari. I’m coming. Just to help you and Elsie settle in, and then I’ll be back.’
‘Honey?’ I stand to find her.
‘She’ll be back soon, don’t worry. I’ll keep an eye on Caleb.’ Honey shrugs in that sweet nonchalant way she does.
‘Hear that, Caleb? I’ll be back soon! I will kill you if you give my room to someone else.’ Lara points at him.
‘What room?’ Caleb looks confused.
‘I’m moving in with you when I get back and you can’t say no because I’m unemployed and about to assume responsibility for the most important things in your life. You owe me. You can pay me back in rent-free accommodation. And no bills. I’m poor.’
The speed with which Caleb grabs Lara and pulls her into a tight grateful hug makes my heart melt.
‘Yuck. Ew. Ew. Ew!’ Lara tries to detach herself but he holds on. ‘Still a lesbian, you idiot. My girlfriend is literally right there! Honey, beat him up for hitting on me.’
Honey laughs and approaches me for a hug.
‘You’re going to be okay, Ariella Mason.’ The way she says it is so reassuring, I believe her, and a tear escapes.
‘Please look after MsPat,’ I beg.
‘I will. She’s already thrown out half of my kitchen cabinet and is replacing it with healthy fruits and vegetables. And she’s demanding a day a week off to sort Caleb’s life out.’
All of us laugh.
‘When do we head out?’ Lara asks, pointing at a suitcase I didn’t notice initially. I look at my watch.
‘About an hour?’
‘Okay, great. Come on, Honey.’ Lara grabs Honey by the hand and leads her out to the patio for some privacy, leaving Caleb and me in an awkward silence.
I pretend I need to go to the bathroom to get away from him, and ascend the stairs to avoid the route that allows me to see through to the patio. I sit in stillness on the cold toilet lid, wishing the time away. After a little while there is a soft knock on the door.
‘Aari?’
I flush and wash my hands before I open the door to Caleb. I let him lead me into our bedroom and shut the door.
‘I’ll be over in about a week.’
‘I know. I’ll be fine.’
‘Is there anything you need?’
‘No, I’m okay.’
‘I’ve been putting the rent for the flat back into your account. Jack’s covering the bills and is contributing enough.’
‘Thank you, Caleb.’
‘Are you still happy for me to arrive before you tell your parents? I’d like us to do it together.’
‘Yes. Of course. They’d definitely appreciate it more coming from both of us.’
‘I’m sorry I fucked up, Aari.’
‘I’m sorry I fucked up too.’ Me swearing puts a tiny smile on Caleb’s face before he sighs deeply.
‘Come here.’
He pulls my face towards his and plants a slow kiss on me. It’s tentative and unsure at first, but soon I surrender to my boyfriend. I love this boy, I really do – but how can we love each other so intensely, but hurt each other so painfully?
I stay, standing, comforted by Caleb’s hug, until we hear the taxi beeping outside.
‘Yes! Jasper did well.’ Lara walks into the hall of the beautiful home. She’s collected our keys from the next-door neighbour.
‘He did.’ As I step into the house, I feel a release of responsibility that I’ve carried since I arrived in Singapore fall off my shoulders. I don’t have to fight any more. I don’t have to prove myself. I don’t have to hold it together for anyone. And I most certainly don’t have to pretend to be the imposter I’ve been for the last year and a bit. In fact, I don’t have to do anything any more; and I don’t want to. I leave my suitcase in the hall and make my way up the stairs.
‘Where are you going? I was planning to nick the biggest en suite! Don’t you dare beat me to it!’ Lara laughs.
‘You can have whatever you want, Lara,’ I say quietly, then I find the tiniest bedroom, get under the duvet and cry myself to sleep.
It’s dark when Lara softly taps me awake.
‘Babe, you’ve been asleep all day. I brought you some water. Do you want something to eat?’
‘No thank you. I’d just like to stay here please.’
‘Do you want to take a shower? I finally figured out how to work the boiler.’
I shake my head, too exhausted to move.
‘Okay. Is there anything I can get you?’
‘No thank you. I’d just like to go back to sleep please.’
Thankfully, Lara lets me do just that. I don’t want to talk, think or move. I just want to sleep.
The next time I hear from Lara is the following afternoon.
‘Aari. Would you like something to eat? I went to the shops this morning.’
‘No, thank you.’
‘Please have something, if not for you, for Elsie.’
‘Don’t do that, Lara!’ I snap. ‘And stop calling it that. I don’t want to eat. I don’t want to do anything. I just want to lie here. Please leave me alone.’
I pull the duvet over my head and lie awake, feeling nothing, until I fall asleep.
It feels like I’ve been asleep for only a few minutes when Lara returns to poke the duvet.
‘Caleb is on the phone.’ I uncover my head and see her stretching the phone towards me. I reach my index finger out and hit the red phone icon to terminate the call, then bury my head again.
‘Fucking hell, Aari. You’re scaring the shit out of me. You’ve been in bed for three straight days,’ Lara shouts.
I wish I could make Lara feel better, but the darkness has won and I’ve never felt more lost.
I wake up when it’s dark, and feel my way through the unfamiliar path to the loo in the en suite. For the first time, I reach for the shower taps and turn them on. The comforting noise of water beating down on the shower tray calms me and I strip slowly. I relish the sharp, relentless stings of the high-pressure shower and take my time washing myself carefully from head to toe. When the water runs ice cold, I get out and wrap my body and hair in two towels. Lara at some point brought my suitcase up the stairs, so I fish around for my toothbrush, toothpaste and mouthwash. Once I’ve done my teeth, I descend the stairs and, guided by moonlight, find my way to the kitchen and help myself to the bread on the kitchen top. Deciding that I don’t have the energy to put any butter on it, I bite into a slice. It feels dry and unappetising, but I force myself to chew and swallow before I grab a bottle of water and drink the whole litre.
I’m too tired to climb the stairs, so I settle on a comfortable-looking couch in the living room and pull the throw over my towel and go to sleep.
‘Babe, can I make you some tea?’ I open my eyes to see Lara sitting by my feet on the couch.
‘No, but thank you, Lara.’
‘Aari…’ she pleads.
‘I just don’t want to do anything for a little while, that’s all.’
‘I understand that, but this is just frightening.’
‘I’m okay, Lara.’
‘You’re not. I’m this close to calling Jasper.’ She pinches her thumb and index finger. ‘But I’ve already voluntarily called him once and that’s enough for this decade.’ She chortles softly. ‘Caleb is on his way,’ she goes on. ‘He went straight to the airport after our last call. He should be landing soon.’
Dread fills me. Caleb comes with too much pressure. He’ll want to know what’s wrong. He’ll bring everything I left behind in Singapore with him in the form of fun breaking news, only I don’t want to hear it. He’ll want to know about the baby and I’ll have nothing to tell him. Then, he’ll start doing everything he can to try to fix it, when I just want to be left alone.
‘Lara, please can you find a way for him not to stay here?’
I see Lara’s expression change to one of annoyance.
‘What did that dolt do now?’
‘Nothing. I could just use some space. I don’t want him breathing down my neck about the baby.’
‘Ariella,’ Lara says slowly. ‘You do want this baby, right?’
‘I do.’
‘So, what are you finding difficult?’
‘Everything.’