Chapter 14
14
‘Sailing?’ Laurie says, the next morning at breakfast, incredulous at the suggestion.
‘It’s research,’ I reply. ‘For my next project.’
‘I think it sounds lovely,’ Dad says. ‘I’ve never got on with the sea myself. Remember when we took the ferry to France, Vee? God, it was awful.’
‘Yes, yes,’ Alex agrees, mockingly. ‘We know. Four hours of vomiting so badly that you ended up bursting a blood vessel in your eye and calling yourself “Popeye” for the whole of your honeymoon.’
Dad looks round the group, like butter wouldn’t melt. ‘Oh, have I mentioned that story before?’ he asks innocently.
‘Only forty-eight thousand times,’ chimes in Laurie. ‘And for the record, nobody believes you. We all know you have a fear of jellyfish and that ’s why you don’t like the sea.’
Dad bats a hand. ‘They’re unnatural,’ he cries. ‘Awful to look at, even worse if you get stung by one.’
Everyone laughs, because it’s true: Dad is scared of the ocean. That’s why he skipped out on the snorkelling. But I’m not, and since Jamie is qualified to take out a boat, I’m going to suddenly pretend it would be an absolutely perfect help if he took me. Alone. For a whole day. Where we can figure out what’s happening and what the rules are, and the boundaries – all out of the gaze of my bloody family.
‘What project are you working on that means poor Jamie is stuck taking you out for the day?’ Laurie asks. Then he turns to Jamie and says, ‘Mate, you don’t have to take her, you know. Can’t Adonis sort you out?’
I bristle at his name, but manage to say, ‘Adonis is persona non grata with me, now. So.’
Mum issues an aww sound. ‘But he’s so nice!’ she says, and I shake my head.
‘He’s not actually,’ I insist, and Mum raises an eyebrow, but drops it.
It’s Jamie’s turn to wave a hand. ‘Anyway,’ he says, munching on his toast, ‘I’m quite missing sailing actually. And we’ll be back by this afternoon.’
‘In my defence,’ I say, looking between my two brothers, ‘I’m not horrible company. I think Jamie might even enjoy himself.’
If Jamie has a reaction to the thought of that, I don’t see it, because he keeps his head down. Alex rolls his eyes, a sign that I’m too dramatic, and Laurie shrugs.
‘Whatever,’ Laurie says. ‘Kate and I are going to get the local bus into the town a few miles away, if anyone wants to join. Enjoy your research trip,’ he adds, looking at me like he almost doesn’t buy what I’m saying. But then, I can see him silently process, what reason would I have to lie?
At the side of me, Jamie moves to push back his chair, his arm brushing against mine for the tiniest of moments. My body practically hums with delight. He’s already made the necessary arrangements – I heard him on the phone this morning, talking in Greek – and I’m going to prepare lunch, so we have supplies.
‘You ready?’ I say, once I’ve packed a basket with fruit and cheese, bread and olives and wine.
Jamie puts on his sunglasses and replies, ‘As I’ll ever be.’
Mum uses the hire car to drive us down to the marina – we were going to drive ourselves, but then nobody at the house would have had car access all day, and Mum said that wasn’t fair. Not that they’re going anywhere, but just in case.
‘Gosh,’ she says, as we park up near the walkway that says boat hire. ‘This is magnificent.’
She’s not wrong. Row upon row of white boats cover the marina as far as we can see, all of different sizes. The sun seems especially potent today, spilling into the sky with abandon, making the blues bluer and the whites whiter. My tummy does a flip.
‘Thanks so much, Veronica,’ Jamie says, pulling on his door to climb out of the passenger side. ‘I promise I’ll take good care of her.’
‘Oh, I have no doubt,’ Mum coos. ‘I almost wish I was coming with the pair of you.’
Jamie smiles and says – before I can think of how to reply – that she can come next time. ‘We’ll think of this as a recce,’ he explains. ‘If today goes well, and we find some nice spots.’
‘Oh,’ Mum replies, ‘are you beach-hopping? I thought you needed to know about sailing, Flo?’
I haven’t had to explain the specifics of why I need to know about boats for my imaginary project. I’ve had it in the back of my mind that if I simply say enough words, it might confuse people and they’ll press me no further. Here goes nothing.
‘I’m building on the PhD, my specialism. It’s still the sea and water that I’m interested in, Mum. I want to take it further, because I think there could be a novel in it, maybe …’
Mum nods. ‘Oh, how exciting. A novel!’ she exclaims. ‘Well, how very good of you to be thinking about all that on holiday. I’ll have a lunchtime vino for you.’
I laugh. ‘Love you, Mum.’
‘Darling?’ she says, before I climb out of the back seat. I glance at Jamie, who has already walked ahead to the kiosk. ‘I just wondered …’
‘Yes?’
‘If you might need this?’
She’s holding up my notebook. My heart stops. How could I have been so stupid not to at least pretend I needed it?
‘Oh,’ I say. ‘Urm—’
She hoots out a laugh. ‘I’m joking, darling. Giving you shit, as your brothers like to say.’ She flings it at me, and I catch it. ‘Go on. Have fun.’
I sigh with relief. Although – no, it’s not possible she’s figured out what’s going on, is it? I mean, to be honest, I’m not entirely sure I know what’s going on, so how she could is beyond me.
‘Go!’ she urges.
I climb out of the car and wave her off.
We’re halfway through a sailing lesson when Jamie drops the knot he has been showing me and says, ‘Flo. It’s just hit me. You didn’t actually want to learn about sailing, did you?’
When we climbed aboard, Jamie got right down to business, showing me how to move this and wrap that, and talking about wind speeds and direction of travel. It was disorientating, not least because he is obviously very passionate about being out on a boat. It’s kind of a turn-on to see him excited about something. But also his words have been crashing into each other and he’s not stopped talking for about forty-five minutes. The way he looks at me now, colour flushing up his neck, makes me understand that he’s nervous. And I’m nervous. So we’re two nervous people scrambling to figure out what happens next.
I bite my lip, hiding a smile.
‘I mean …’ I start, and Jamie begins to laugh.
His laugh makes me laugh and it goes on and on, every time one of us catches a breath, the other laughing harder and pulling them back in. This is ludicrous. Absolutely ludicrous. I’d have pushed Jamie off a boat less than a week ago. I don’t have words for what I want. I’m not even sure I really know. But the closer we get, the more I like it, even knowing all the reasons I shouldn’t.
‘Let’s swim,’ I suggest. ‘Can we do that?’
Jamie nods, slowly. ‘Yes,’ he says. ‘Let’s.’
We lower the anchor and make sure everything is secure, and then Jamie flings himself off the edge of the boat, screaming, Woooooo! on his way down . He lands with a splash and I look overboard to make sure he comes back up. It takes a minute – he’s a good swimmer, and I can see him cutting through the water with strong legs and even stronger arms, pushing alongside the boat with impressive speed. He comes up for air dramatically, flinging back his head, water spraying everywhere.
‘Get in!’ he cries up at me, but I suddenly feel a lot less adventurous, now it’s my turn.
‘I’m scared,’ I yell back.
He shakes his head like he doesn’t believe me. ‘No, you’re not,’ he shouts back, with the kind of Harry Styles grin that means we’re not talking about the jumping.
I launch myself in like a pencil, arms crossed over my body and one hand holding my nose. I slice through the water and am startled by the cold. I hadn’t thought it would be this chilly out here, when it’s so warm at the shore. I push up to get to the surface, feeling like Ariel in The Little Mermaid . I like the weightlessness of being underwater, with the weird combination of strength that it takes to swim up.
I feel the warmth of the sun before I can take a breath, but once I’ve made it to the surface, I do exactly what Jamie did and flick back my hair and wipe the water from my eyes. I search for him, but can’t immediately see him. I look left and then right, and spin round with difficulty to locate him. And then I feel a tug on my ankle and he pops up beside me to make me scream. He loves that he’s got a reaction – this smarmy smirk of satisfaction bleeding across his features – so I splash him and cry, ‘Arsehole! You’re supposed to be nice to me now.’
He doesn’t retaliate, but instead considers what I’ve said.
‘You’re right,’ he replies, his voice serious, and we tread water opposite one another, staying where we are.
When we get out, I pull my hair over one shoulder and wrap it around itself to get out the excess water, and then fling it back. My skin glistens with droplets from the sea, like tiny jewels all over my body. I’ve got a bit of colour now, and the way Jamie looks at me has never made me feel more beautiful.
‘What?’ he asks, back on the boat.
‘That look you give me,’ I tell him. ‘I’ve never understood it.’
‘What look?’
‘You have a look.’
He continues to give me said look, whilst claiming to have no idea what I’m on about.
‘Let me up,’ Jamie says then, tipping his chin to mean climb up those stairs. I follow his command, letting him follow, and we get our towels and dry off. When we’re done, we place them flat on the double sunbed in the shade, our torsos covered, legs out in the sun. I grab the picnic and lay out a few of the things, and in our silence we let the air between us settle into something that feels more comfortable.
‘Hey, do you ever think about Christmas?’ Jamie says, when we’ve eaten a little and skipped the wine and hydrated with water instead. We’re side-by-side, both looking at the water, and there’s something about that configuration that feels easy. Looking out onto the horizon together, the boat gently swaying – it’s like being rocked to sleep and letting all your thoughts tumble out of your head so that you can sleep soundly.
‘Yes,’ I say, because obviously I do.
‘Me, too,’ he says softly, and I swallow hard. It had all been so strange, but had also felt so inevitable. I couldn’t put my finger on why. I was feeling better than I had in ages, Jamie was jovial and fun, and there was a spark that caught with in-jokes and staying up talking, after everyone had gone to bed. And one night he told me he was going to knock on my bedroom door, after lights out, but never did. I just got his stupid note instead, and then the next morning he left.
Jamie reaches out a finger and traces it along my leg idly. He runs it up and down, sending delicious shivers down my spine. ‘What, exactly, have you been thinking about?’ he asks me, voice low and serious. I part my lips and run my tongue over them – they’re dry. My whole throat is dry. Jamie watches me, assessing me.
‘I want you to kiss me,’ I whisper, because it’s all I can think about.
Something flashes in his eyes – desire, I think, like flames burning brightly where his pupils should be. In one swift move he reaches out to my waist and pulls me towards him, so that I’m straddling him and we’re nose-to-nose. He runs a hand down my back – those damned ticklish fingertips again – and I let a moan of pleasure escape, closing my eyes and exhaling deeply. I feel him swell beneath me, and I instinctively arch my back to grind against him lightly. It makes him gasp, and the sound of it is the hottest thing I’ve ever heard. I want to make him utter that noise again, and again, and again.
We pause that way – me straddling him, Jamie hard against the fabric of his swim shorts – and I lower my forehead to his, waiting for the kiss. He uses a hand to pin my wrists behind me and shifts his weight, pushing into me even more, so that I grind against him, once, twice, then a third time, and that noise emits again from between his full lips.
‘Flo,’ he says. ‘I need to tell you …’
‘Yes?’ I ask, continuing to move rhythmically against him.
‘Fuck,’ he intones, and he sounds exactly like I feel. Like he’s about to explode. He says to me, ‘I once promised your brother I’d stay away from you.’
‘Hmmm,’ I reply. ‘How’s that working out for you?’
‘Not great …’ he says.
‘No,’ I agree. ‘I can see that.’
Our lips are so close you couldn’t get a sheet of paper between them if you tried. We’re talking quietly, in between breaths – me focused on what I’m doing, Jamie struggling to both talk and enjoy it. It’s here. It’s happening. We’re going to kiss.
‘Flo,’ Jamie murmurs. ‘God …’
‘Kiss me,’ I tell him again, because I want his mouth on mine.
He lifts me up and flips me over so that I’m pinned down under his weight. ‘I’m serious,’ he says. ‘Laurie – your whole family …’
‘We are not talking about my whole family right now, are we?’ I ask, trying to sound more outraged than I feel. We could be talking about quantum physics right now and I wouldn’t care, as long as his hand keeps pawing at me this way. ‘You’re part of the family,’ I say. ‘You’re basically Mum’s adopted son.’
‘Exactly,’ he says, loosening his grip. ‘This can’t happen.’
‘Do you want to stop?’ I ask, but I don’t mean it. I part my lips and bat my eyes and sigh again.
‘Jesus, Flo. You’re making this really hard,’ he says, and he gives his cute half smile, marvelling at the effect he’s had on me.
‘Is that a yes or a no?’ I say, and I swear to god, if this man keeps touching me, I’m going to have an orgasm in about thirty seconds – kiss or not.
‘Aren’t you worried?’ he asks.
‘Worried?’ I repeat.
And then he sighs.
And his smile falls.
And my heart sinks.
‘Seriously?’ I say, exasperated. I don’t even feel embarrassed. I feel mad, and I know the blame is squarely on his shoulders. Jamie is the one with the issues, not me. That much is crystal-clear.
‘Shit,’ he mutters, burying his head in his hands. ‘Oh, Flo, fuck!’
That’s when his tears come.
‘I’m so sorry,’ he says. ‘I don’t want you to think I’m awful for doing this, that I’ve led you on, on purpose, or anything like that. I haven’t, I swear. Honestly, Flo, I really do respect you. And I want this. I’ve wanted it for ages! You know that! But even knowing you want it now, too, I can’t upset Laurie …’
He holds a hand to the bridge of his nose, fingers splaying to blot at his eyes.
‘Hey,’ I say, my madness dissipating because, god, I’d be a real cow if I got mad at Jamie’s loyalty to my brother – even if I wish he’d engaged that loyalty before I tried to dry-hump him. ‘Hey,’ I reiterate, so he listens to me.
‘Sorry,’ Jamie says again, the crying slowing.
‘Stop apologising!’ I say, and he laughs.
‘Sorry,’ he repeats, but he’s doing it tongue-in-cheek.
I grab a tissue from my bag for him and he wipes his eyes, blows his nose. He drinks more water and looks at the ocean, and I resume my position sitting at the side of him. Hope is going to have a field day with this, I swear. But I don’t feel mad. The man is crying, for god’s sake. I remember what Mum said about him being more sensitive than we think, sometimes.
‘When did you promise Laurie anything about me?’ I ask.
‘Years ago,’ Jamie replies. ‘I think he knew I was sniffing around a bit, not long after he first brought me home, and then he saw us dancing at your parents’ wedding anniversary. When they had the marquee?’
‘That was, like, eight years ago,’ I say. ‘Seriously?’
He shrugs. ‘He’s my best friend,’ he goes on. ‘And after my parents, especially …’
I nod. ‘Is that why you’ve ignored me all these years? Because of Laurie?’
‘I suppose so,’ he says. ‘Just easier that way, isn’t it? And I don’t think I’ve ignored you – I’ve been perfectly friendly.’
‘I’d hate to see how you treat your enemies then,’ I quip.
‘Says she! You’ve been the ice-queen since I got here.’
‘Until I wasn’t,’ I point out. ‘I was gyrating on your crotch, after all. I think it’s safe to say I’ve somewhat thawed out.’
Jamie looks at me wistfully. ‘Have you any idea how hard it was to ask you to stop?’
‘Are you making a dick-joke? It was hard ?’ I say, and Jamie shakes his head in dismay.
‘See,’ he says. ‘This is why I like you. You’re just … you.’
I nod. ‘I am indeed me,’ I agree.
‘Look,’ Jamie continues. ‘If you and I – if that were to be a proper thing, I’d man up and tell your brother, okay? Not even ask permission. I would tell him .’
I digest what he’s saying. The unsaid is: but it isn’t. It would be sex, and I cannot tell Laurie we are shagging.
I hold up my hands. ‘Say no more,’ I insist. ‘I should have been more understanding. I didn’t know … well, anything. I didn’t think Laurie would be a consideration. Of course he would be, though. I wouldn’t hook up with Hope’s brother lightly, either.’ I think of Jamie’s note at Christmas. It makes sense now. He must have had the same crisis of confidence then, too.
‘Hope?’ he asks.
‘My best friend. Met her outside the therapist’s office, so for a while she was actually in my phone as Despair.’
‘That’s funny.’
‘So’s your face.’
‘Ha ha.’
Jamie groans, putting his head into his hands.
‘I can’t believe we almost …’ he says. ‘God, Flo. I really do want you to know that you are hot. Like, it’s hard to concentrate around you – hot. ’
‘Shut up,’ I squeal, getting self-conscious. ‘You’re teasing me.’
‘I am one hundred per cent not,’ he insists. ‘Your face, your laugh, those absolutely incredible tits …’
I smack his arm. ‘All right, smooth talker. That’s enough of that. Let’s take this boat back to the marina and get home. If I can’t fix my needs with you here, maybe there’s a deckhand who can help me out up on the shore.’
Jamie laughs.
‘Don’t let me stand in your way,’ he says. ‘Away we go …’