Chapter 15
15
Jamie and I don’t talk much as we sail back to the marina, but when we dock and walk to find a cab we stay close to one another in a way that feels … intimate. We forged a new understanding of each other out there on the water. I feel for him. I don’t know if that’s wasted sympathy or makes me a mug, but the crying, the way he’s prioritising being part of my family instead of having his way with me? I respect that. So much makes sense now. Jamie’s showing obvious gratitude that I’m not flying off the handle or anything. I suppose he’s mugged me off twice now – if I wanted to tell him to shove it, I’d be well within my rights. But this past week or so has definitely illuminated how keeping a froideur between us hurts more than it helps. Life is short, and I enjoy family time far too much to let Jamie get in the way. So, c’est la vie . Holiday Flo isn’t going to hold a grudge, and hopefully Ordinary Flo won’t, either. I can move on. I can . We’re better as friends, and shagging would ruin that. I get it. I mean, I wish he’d explained it better back at Christmas, but better late than never.
I smile at him as we wait at the taxi rank, aware of the nearness of him. Jamie smiles back. See? We can be friendly! Somehow his fingers end up curled around mine, and that’s how the cab driver finds us: fixed to the spot, holding hands but not holding hands, wanting to be near to each other, but knowing this is the exact kind of nearness we’ve agreed not to actually entertain. I don’t hold hands with my brothers when I’m waiting for taxis, after all. When we look at each other this time, the smile is more of a regretful grimace.
In the cab Jamie gives directions to the driver in Greek, and we both sit close enough to the middle of the back seat that our bare thighs touch. I look out of my window and he looks out of his, and the ride is a rocky one. So much so that it’s easier to cushion my body into his, pressing against Jamie to steady myself, than it is to resist. Jamie loops an arm over my shoulder to hold on. To the driver, we undoubtedly look like a couple.
‘Well,’ Jamie says, once we’re home. He doesn’t finish his sentence. The taxi drives off and we watch it, and then I open up my arms to welcome a hug.
‘Thanks for a lovely day,’ I say. ‘Even though it panned out differently to how I thought it might.’
Jamie steps towards me and receives the hug, and I rest against his rock-hard form. He gives good hugs. I briefly close my eyes and inhale the manly scent of him, exhaling deeply, too. Jamie cradles the back of my head, lightly caressing my hair.
‘You give great cuddles,’ he says.
‘You do too,’ I say back.
We stay like that for a while.
Later we go out for dinner, to a lovely place Mum found a review of online, and even though I try to navigate away from Jamie as we choose seats at the table, something happens where Mum moves me to her right, so she can sit near Dad, and then Kate goes to the toilet and, bam, Jamie and I are side-by-side. I smile at him, feeling oddly nervous. There’s nothing to hide from our day together, but it feels as though we have a secret.
‘And so I said to him, “ No , I don’t want two for twenty euros,”’ Kate is saying. ‘“Give me four for fifty euros!”’ She’s regaling us with what happened at yet another market today.
‘And the guy,’ adds Laurie, already laughing at the recollection of Kate’s negligible haggling skills, ‘is so obviously confused at this crazy English lady bartering him up …’
Kate shakes her head good-naturedly.
‘I just couldn’t get it right in my brain that two for twenty should have been four for forty,’ she’s saying. ‘I thought I’d managed to get money off, not add money!’
I can see the rise and fall of Jamie’s chest in my peripheral vision. His arm is between us on the table, fiddling with a water glass. I can’t even look at his fingers for too long as they trail along the rim – it’s making me blush. But why? Nothing has happened . We’ve had one almost-kiss and agreed to drop it.
‘I’ve honestly never known her like this,’ Laurie chuckles. He’s got tears in his eyes, he finds it so funny. ‘Kate, you’re so smart and switched on, and this baby … it’s already sent your head gaga!’
‘I know,’ Kate winces, taking a swig of water. ‘I can’t believe it’s going to be this way until next year . It’s inhumane, really, to make pregnancy go on so long.’
‘Could be worse,’ Alex points out. ‘You could be an elephant. That’s nearly two years of baby-brain right there.’
‘God. Not to mention what happens afterwards …’ Kate pouts.
Mum holds up a finger.
‘Oh!’ points Alex, noticing she’s about to contribute, and I look up to demonstrate I am following along, listening intently. ‘Here she goes: Superwoman Veronica Greenberg is about to remind you that she went back to work two weeks after giving birth—’
‘Yes, Alexander,’ Mum says. ‘A fact I am very proud of, thank you, because it was resilience personified.’ She focuses on Kate. ‘It was a different time back then, you see. I couldn’t be seen to be weak, or different, after having children. The men didn’t have that problem, of course. It’s good that your generation has it different. Even in law, I’m sure there’s a lot more understanding.’
‘And shared parental leave,’ Kate nods. ‘But I can’t lie, I am nervous about that …’
I wonder if I seem distracted, because Alex gives me a look. I stay in neutral, as if there’s nothing for him to comment on at all. Then I realise that he’s not looking at me, but past me. It’s Adonis. He’s here with a pale-skinned and freckled blonde, who has the unmistakable air of tourist about her – her shoulders have sunburnt bikini-strap marks, just like mine did after day one. He waves at the table from where he is seated across the room, and Laurie says, ‘Are we okay with this?’
‘With what?’ I ask, since he’s looking directly at me.
‘I thought you and the Greek god were—’
I shake my head. ‘No, no,’ I say. ‘He’s not’ – I struggle to find the word – ‘my type,’ I settle on.
‘I’d have thought he was everybody’s type,’ Mum says with a giggle, and Kate leans across with her palm out. She says, ‘Veronica! Yes!’ and Mum gives her a high-five.
‘I’m ready for a subject change whenever you guys are,’ I say, keeping my voice bright so that I don’t accidentally lull my brothers into pushing the issue.
‘Oooh,’ Alex says. ‘Touché, little sister! His loss – that’s what I say.’ He wrinkles his nose at me.
I wrinkle mine back. Should I warn that girl what Adonis is really like? If somebody had warned me, would I have listened?
‘How about we decide on a plan for tomorrow?’ Dad interjects, and I am grateful. ‘I’d say we’re about due some culture, don’t you think? I’m a bit sick of all this relaxing. I need to do something .’
‘I second that motion,’ Mum smiles, with a nod. ‘We should at least do the ruins.’
‘I’m in,’ says Kate.
‘Same,’ says Laurie.
‘We might need to do two trips in the car then,’ Dad considers. ‘Or call a cab.’
‘Great!’ Mum says. ‘So – to bed now? It’s already gone eleven …’
‘I’ll get the bill,’ Dad says, and Laurie pipes up, ‘Let us, Dad. It’s the least we can do.’
Dad issues a raspberry noise in Laurie’s direction. ‘Nonsense,’ he says. ‘Save your money for the baby. It’s my pleasure.’
‘Drinks, anyone?’ Alex asks. ‘I really want to go into town …’ He claps his hands together and rubs them, but his face quickly falls. Nobody wants a drink. He scowls. ‘Aww, man, come on! Somebody must want to come out?’ he begs. He looks round the table once more, mentally assessing which person would be most ripe for convincing. You can see him write off Mum and Dad for being too old, and then Kate and Laurie for being too coupled-up.
‘Flo? Jamie? Apparently things get really popping after midnight. Just a few drinks? I am begging you. This holiday is marveloso ’ – here he looks at Mum with a flattering smile – ‘but I am a young man in his prime. I should be out there. Doing questionable things! What happens on holiday stays on holiday!’
‘I’m still trying to get over your use of popping ,’ I tease. I feel Jamie smile next to me.
Alex fixes me with comically narrowed eyes, which makes me giggle, and then switches tack to sweet and innocent. ‘Please?’ he says, in a baby voice. ‘Pretty please?’
I could almost be tempted by drinks. If Jamie comes …
‘Jamie, mate? You must go mad out there on the boats. Don’t you wanna have a little drink? A dance? A little flirty-flirt?’
‘I could be persuaded,’ Jamie says, and both men look at me.
‘Okay, fine,’ I say. ‘Let’s go and get fucked up in town!’
Mum tuts. ‘Not fucked up,’ she says. ‘That’s unladylike, and unsafe, for all of you.’
Alex pulls me out of my chair and turns me round to face my mother.
‘I think she was joking, Mother. Indulging my fantasy of a raucous night out, when in all likelihood we’ll do two drinks and then head back, disappointed by our lack of stamina.’
I smile at Mum with my lips pressed together, so that it lands sarcastically. She sighs.
‘I worry about you two together – you’re a bad influence on each other.’ She looks at Jamie. ‘Look after them for me, won’t you?’ she asks.
And Jamie puts a hand to his heart and says, ‘Scout’s honour, I will.’
Spoiler alert: Jamie does not look after us. Three shots in, and Alex is on fire . I’ve had one shot, just to be sociable, and am sipping my Jack and Coke very slowly. Alex is totally on one, and it’s a relief when he pops off to the bathroom. He’s been talking a mile a minute and eyeing up every guy in the place.
‘A minute to breathe!’ I laugh, as Alex pootles off.
Jamie laughs too. ‘I can’t blame him,’ he says. ‘Poor guy works so much, hardly ever gets to date, and in his time off his family wants to go to bed before midnight, when there’s a whole world out here.’
I pretend to be offended. ‘Are you calling us boring?’ I ask.
‘Only in the best possible way,’ Jamie replies. ‘It’s a family holiday, and that’s fair enough. But I get why he’s been sneaking out every night to come here.’
‘WHAT?’ I shriek. ‘He’s been coming here every night?’
Jamie pulls a serious face. ‘I thought you knew,’ he says. ‘I thought you and Alex told each other everything?’
I shake my head. ‘Not really,’ I reply, hoisting myself up onto a bar stool that’s just become free. Jamie turns and looks for another spare, finds one and drags it beside me.
‘You and Alex aren’t BFFs?’ Jamie asks.
‘I mean, we get on,’ I say. ‘And I love his company. But we don’t, like, trade secrets.’
‘Huh,’ Jamie says, confused. ‘To hear Laurie talk, you’d think you and Alex were joined at the hip.’
‘Really?’ I ask. ‘He said that?’
‘Maybe I misunderstood,’ Jamie offers. ‘But yeah, I always got the impression you and Alex hung out, and Laurie is the outsider a bit.’
I arch an eyebrow. ‘He’s so lame,’ I say. ‘Not to bad-mouth your pal there, but Laurence Greenberg is very good at inventing a narrative to suit him. He and Alex gang up on me all the time!’
Jamie mimes zipping his lips shut and throwing away the key.
‘So you’ve noticed it!’ I shriek. He shrugs, like he couldn’t possibly say any more. I scowl at him.
‘You hold your own,’ Jamie says. ‘And aren’t bad at giving what you get …’
‘How diplomatic of you.’
‘I’m an only child. I know enough about siblings to know you gotta stay out of their shit. You guys can hate on each other all you want, but I know for a fact you’d gang up on an enemy outsider, like the Avengers finally coming together after Agent Coulson gets it.’
‘Ahhh,’ I say. ‘An Avengers fan!’
‘Do you fuck with the MCU?’ he asks, looking like he’s expecting a no.
‘Captain Marvel is my homegirl,’ I say. ‘Me and Hope watched every film in timeline order before the last Guardians of the Galaxy came out.’
‘No way!’ Jamie says. ‘Me too. Except I did it with Laurie and Kate.’
‘I think he got the idea from me,’ I say. ‘I’m kind of a thought leader, that way.’
‘I’ve heard that about you, yes,’ Jamie smirks.
The bar person interrupts to ask if we want anything else, and I look at my half-empty glass and then at Jamie.
‘I actually don’t,’ I say, and Jamie tells the bar person we’re good. ‘Not to be a party-pooper, but that shot isn’t sitting well on my stomach. I’m more of a chilled white-wine girl.’
‘They have wine here,’ Jamie offers, and I scrunch up my nose.
‘The Greenbergs don’t order wine in pubs and clubs,’ I explain. ‘Our gastronomic snobbery cannot have passed you by.’
Jamie shakes his head. ‘I’ve never met a family less able to just eat a sandwich. It has to be the best sandwich, with the nicest bread and the ingredients arranged exactly so. You guys love food like Loki loves mischief.’
‘Guilty!’ I laugh.
And Jamie tips his head and looks at me, fondness in his eyes. I look straight back at him. ‘You’re beautiful,’ he says, making me blush. ‘Really, properly beautiful.’
I look around in case Alex is coming back. I can’t see him anywhere. ‘Stop,’ I say, but I don’t mean it.
‘Are we idiots?’ he asks, and I shrug.
‘Probably,’ I reply. ‘But at least we have each other.’
Jamie looks round. ‘I think Alex has abandoned us,’ he decides. ‘Shall we go? We’ll be sitting here until tomorrow if we think he’s coming back to us.’
‘Oh!’ I say. ‘Did he meet somebody?’
Jamie nods. ‘I think so,’ he says. ‘He was a man on a mission, after all.’
I shake my head good-naturedly. Well, good for Alex.
We walk the beach way back to the house, and it’s quiet and calm. It is deserted, on account of it being midnight and semi-private. By Christ – the moon! It is comically massive, low in the sky, and the size of it means the whole ocean is lit up, like it’s been tasked with putting on a dazzling light show solely for us. There’s the gentlest of breezes, which I’m aware of because it tickles my skin – but I’m not cold. I’m very much the opposite. Blood courses through my veins, pumping hot and fast, a life-force. The bushes against the hillside sway back and forth in slow motion, and the sand stretches in a sheet of blond to what feels like either edge of the earth. We are totally alone, shipwrecked on a slice of paradise, and I forget to breathe for a moment. I’m suspended in time, in space.
‘Shall we sit?’ Jamie says, pointing to an abandoned blanket looped over a washed-up tree trunk. It’s beside the bushes, a tiny little enclave for two.
‘This feels so … not natural,’ Jamie says, after a while.
‘Not hooking up?’ I say, and he chuckles. I’d been thinking it too.
‘And the rest.’
He’s right. To think we can fight whatever is between us is madness, especially if we’re always going to have to spend time together in the end. It’s Christmas all over again, with the magnetic pull strong. Only this time, I know him better – and I know myself even better, too. Once bitten, twice shy: isn’t that what they say? Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me? At Christmas I was willing to give Jamie my heart, but I won’t make that mistake again. Still. He’s a good man, and I will gladly give him my body. If I don’t, I think I might go mad from desire.
‘I really want you,’ I say.
‘Yeah?’ he replies.
‘Yeah,’ I whisper.
Maybe he won’t make the first move because of his stupid pledge to Laurie, but I maintain that it’s none of Laurie’s business and, what’s more, nobody has to know. I know Jamie understands that, too. He’s a loyal friend – he’s proved that. Laurie is lucky to have him, and Jamie is lucky to have Laurie. Jamie and me, though: it’s separate. It’s doesn’t matter. We’re allowed to give in to this temptation.
‘Come here,’ I intone, pulling at his face so that he looks at me.
And then he surrenders. Our lips meet, hard and meaningful. His tongue slips past my teeth and into my mouth, probing and exploring with grace and ease. Jamie’s a fantastic kisser. I lace my hands behind his head, tugging at his hair. He gives me a light moan – one that means he likes it, and he wants more.
The kiss lasts a long time and eventually I am on my back, Jamie on top of me, and I realise that he’s drawing this out, making it last. His mouth moves slowly, lazily, like he wants to appreciate every second of what we’re doing. He holds my face with one hand, pulling me into him, so that his breath is my breath – we are one person. I’ve never been kissed this way. Never been kissed like I am the most special, beautiful, desired woman in the world. I let myself melt into him. I’m in no rush, either.
‘You’re fucking gorgeous,’ Jamie whispers eventually. ‘Sitting next to you at that dinner tonight …’
I smile. ‘Ditto,’ I say. ‘I thought about dragging you off to the bathroom with me.’
He laughs. ‘I would have gone,’ he tells me. ‘I’ve wanted you for such a long time.’
The kissing resumes, but now I can’t stand it. I want him inside me. I want to be on this beach, my legs wrapped around him, pulling him in, in, in.
I roll over, so that I’m on top, and then pull him up to sitting, so I can take off his T-shirt. In return, he takes off my blouse and then pulls off my bra. He takes my nipple in his mouth, sucking so hard that I yelp.
‘Was that too hard?’
‘Yes,’ I whisper. ‘Except, no … Do it again.’
He runs his tongue around my other nipple before putting it in his mouth, and this time I decide I like it.
I wriggle off him to take off my shorts, watching Jamie as he does the same. I want to be naked. I don’t care that we’re outside – nobody is here, nobody is going to be here. I feel wild and free, unconstrained by what I should do and emboldened by doing exactly what I want: which, in this moment, is lowering my naked body onto Jamie’s to feel the length of him curve up inside me.
He shudders as he enters me, and I claw at his back to take him deeper. My legs are knitted behind him, my arms wrapped over his shoulders, my head tipped back so that he can kiss my neck. We move in time, slowly, until it is impossible to bear any more and we give way to haste, to friction. I push my pelvis against him, his hands on my arse encouraging my speed, and I can hear the lap of the waves against the shore, my eyes fluttering open just enough to see Jamie illuminated by the moon, rock-solid and smooth as butter. I can’t stop touching him, luxuriating in him. He says my name, and I writhe in ecstatic release. Jamie bites down onto my shoulder, following my lead, and we lie there, panting, spent, Jamie’s cheek to my bare breast.
Afterwards, as we sit there, entangled in one another, suddenly there’s the sound of voices.
‘Somebody’s coming,’ Jamie whispers, and I push up off him quickly, noticing how close the voices actually are.
‘The bushes!’ I sputter, launching myself, stark naked, into the shrubbery.
Jamie doesn’t follow, I realise too late – he’s out there, and whoever else is out there too has found him.
‘Jamie.’ It’s Alex. Alex has found us. But who is he with? At least this solves the mystery of where he went – he’s pulled! ‘What are you doing here?’ he presses.
‘Alex,’ Jamie says, and he sounds winded. Out of breath. ‘We wondered where you’d gone.’
‘I bumped into a friend,’ says Alex.
‘Cool,’ Jamie replies. Then I hear him say, ‘All right, mate. I’m Jamie.’
‘We’ll leave you to it,’ Alex says. ‘Sorry to interrupt. Did Flo go to bed?’
Jamie begins to say that Alex and his mystery pal aren’t interrupting, but Alex is having none of it.
‘Jamie, mate. I don’t know what exactly you’re up to, but I know it isn’t kosher. However, I’m a discreet man. So, I won’t tell if you don’t?’
Jamie must nod, or wink, or something , because then Alex’s footsteps retreat, seemingly up towards the house.
‘It’s safe,’ Jamie whispers. ‘Flo?’
I crawl out. ‘Did he know it was me?’ I ask.
Jamie shakes his head. ‘I don’t think so.’
‘Who was he with?’
‘No idea. Some guy.’
I nod. ‘Whoa,’ I say. ‘We almost got caught!’
‘Alex seemed as surprised to see me as I was to see him,’ he reasons. ‘He seemed sheepish at being caught taking somebody up to the house. I think he was more bothered about himself than about me and whoever I was with …’
Jamie holds out a hand and I take it, pressing my naked body against his boxer-shorts-wearing one. He clasps me to him, runs his hands up and down my arms.
‘That was amazing,’ he whispers into my hair, and I tell him he wasn’t so bad himself. I feel him stir in his underwear, standing to attention, despite having nearly been caught.
‘Are you …?’ I ask, and he nods.
‘I am,’ he laughs. It makes me laugh too.
I snuggle into him, looping my body around his. The waves crashing against the shore lull me into closing my eyes, so when Jamie says, ‘I’ll tell Laurie as soon as we get home. I don’t want to spoil the holiday,’ I don’t hear him, because the edges of sleep have already pulled me in.