Chapter 35
Jamal King
I turn over to touch Theo’s face, and he lets out a satisfied hum. His words from last night haunt me. Right before we fell asleep, he asked me if he was broken, but he’s so peaceful now, his eyelashes barely visible on his cheeks. All his hard edges and square jaw are softened.
When I said no, I don’t think he believed me. That’s a conversation that needs to go deeper when we’re not stressed out and sex drunk.
Last night, it was so hard not to tell him that I love him. One minute, he’s a clingy koala and the next, a cornered wild animal. He’s not ready to hear the words yet, which shatters me. He hasn’t figured out he’s worth loving. Worth everything.
I don’t know how long I’ll be able to hold the words back. I’ll have to convince him they’re true.
Our phones go off on the side table, but I’m plastered against the wall. They wake Theo.
“Hey, how did you get on that side?” he asks as he blindly reaches for our phones.
“No clue,” I lie. Last night, Theo kept nudging closer until I almost fell out of bed.
I crawled over him, and the process started over on the other side.
I’ve never been physically affectionate, but I like making Theo happy, and he likes sleeping wrapped around me.
It’s a small thing to give him in comparison to the security he’s given me.
Theo taught me I can be myself and it’s enough, being perfect or a role model isn’t a requirement to have love.
My ringtone is for Finn. Theo finally gets both our phones. He shows me his screen. Finn has texted a couple of times.
“You’re up early,” I grumble at him.
“No rest for the wicked,” Finn sings at me, and I hold the phone away from my ear.
“You’re on speaker.” I let the phone fall onto the bed.
“Is your stud muffin with you?”
“Finn, we talked about this, no flirting with me in front of my boyfriend,” Theo replies, like he’s wide awake and this is a normal conversation.
“Sorry, jelly beans.” Finn is all business.
“The podcast edited your segment, and it went live at midnight after I approved it. I emailed both of you a copy, and Mr. Dimon also gave it the green light. Don’t go anywhere yet.
Mr. Dimon thinks it’s in the team’s best interest if you don’t attend practice. He’s calling Coach.”
“No practice,” Theo repeats. “For everyone or for us?” He can’t wrap his head around being excused from practice.
“Just my sweet jelly beans who, oopsie, forgot to give me a heads-up about their relationship,” he drones sarcastically.
“Sorry, Finn,” I say earnestly, and he sighs.
“You guys sounded great on the podcast and looked good on the video. There are always haters, but I think it’s going to be fine.”
“Are you saying that to make us feel better?” Theo switches from tracing the back of my hand to linking our fingers together.
“I don’t get paid to make you feel good. I get paid to get results and spin crap so it flies off into space,” Finn says indignantly.
“A true hero,” Theo says. Ordinarily, I’d assume he’s being sarcastic, but he sounds sincere and rests his head on mine.
“Stay put, don’t go near the windows, and try banging all day. I’ll call only if Coach demands you attend practice.”
The line goes dead, and we stare at the phone.
“That just happened.” Theo lies back and drags me on top of him. “I used to think my life would be over if I couldn’t play hockey.” He lets that truth bomb sit, and it occurs to me he’s still afraid.
“That won’t happen. Mr. Dimon isn’t ditching either of us. We’re fine,” I say, and he frowns.
“I’d be okay without hockey but not…” He lets the words hang, and my heart swells with optimism that I’m the end of his sentence and I’m not alone in my feelings.
Unfortunately, my phone beeps with a text from my mom.
Mom: I made waffles. We’ve also got cereal, cornbread, and eggs. I can get groceries on the way home. Dad and I are leaving for work
Me: We’re awake
Me: You don’t have to avoid us
Mom: We’re giving you privacy. We’ll be home around six. Be dressed
Me: *screaming face emoji*
Mom: *heart emoji*
“What?” Theo asks when I sigh loudly.
“Mom wants us to be dressed when they get home from work at six.” I wave my hands dramatically.
“We can set an alarm for that,” he jokes, and I slap his chest.
“She made waffles.” I yawn and have no desire to leave his warm body.
“Like she toasted us waffles?” Theo’s brow scrunches in confusion.
“No, she made batter and cooked them in the waffle iron. They’re probably in the oven on warm, so no need to jump out of bed.” I throw my leg over him to keep him next to me. “But she doesn’t do that for me. It’s because you’re here.”
Theo’s face shows a thousand emotions before he shudders and changes the subject. “Someone is a secret cuddler.” He yanks off my bonnet to run his fingers along my scalp in between my braids.
“I’ll admit, I like you in my bed.” I trail a finger along his brow.
“It’s like a snow day and we’re off school, except we’re avoiding our world being blown up.”
“Truth.” I rest my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. He strokes my back from my nape to the top of my crease over and over. “We have today in this cocoon. It would be nice to disappear with you for a while.”
“Yeah?” Theo smacks my ass. “Where would you take me?”
“Where haven’t you been?” I roll to the side to look at him, but he puts me back on top of him. “This is your favorite sleeping position, for real.” I fold my hands on his chest to rest my chin on so our eyes meet.
“You’re not wrong.” He glances around my bedroom. “How come you don’t have a bigger bed? The room is big enough.”
I kiss his pec. “Old house and old heat registers. There’s no place to position a queen bed that doesn’t cover the heating vent. I said I didn’t care, but my mom made me sleep a few winter nights with this bed over the register. It gets ka-ka-old.”
“I’ll keep you warm now.” Theo pulls the comforter up to my shoulders.
“You’re like my personal furnace.” My voice is dreamy, as if giving him the highest compliment. I guess deep down, I do like cuddling with him. “Should we talk now or later?”
Theo tenses under me. “What’s there to talk about?”
“Hmmm, maybe that my biological father, your stepdad, outed us and sold our picture to the media. You know, the usual betrayal.” I don’t mention him saying he’s broken. One thing at a time.
“I’ll need food for that conversation.”
Three hours later, after sex, a shower, a huge breakfast, and phone calls, we’re on the couch.
Tyrone and Jada video called me, I texted with Nevaeh, and Theo caught up with Sarah.
Socials are a cesspool, and we delete our social media apps.
We decide that anything on live TV with current news is too risky to watch, so we choose a replay of a hockey game.
This time I’m on the bottom and Theo’s laid out on top of me. “Maybe this is the best sleeping position.” He flashes me a grin.
“You let me know.” I run my fingers through his silky hair.
We watch the end of the game, and another starts right after it.
I’m content to do nothing with him. My anxiety comes outta nowhere, trying to take my peace.
I accept the overwhelming fear of the unknown but ground myself with Theo.
He’s my personal weighted blanket, so I stay present in the moment.
“Can we boycott the real world?”
“Depends on how long.” I hug him around the waist.
“A single perfect day of being with you,” he says wistfully.
“There’s no such thing as perfect in the moment. Only when you look back do you realize it was perfect. If you had the choice to do anything in the world today, what would you do?” I lean up and kiss his forehead.
We stop talking to watch the game, and I’ve forgotten I asked him a question until he answers.
“I get twenty-four hours, and we don’t have to worry about sleep.
” He props his head on his hand. “We wake up in bed in our own place with no calls or texts. We’d flip-fuck for hours until we need food that’s delivered to our door.
This is stupid, but I’d love to be on the ice with you.
Just us, a couple of sticks, a puck, and goals.
We rarely get to play together for more than a minute or two at a time.
We could have hours. Hockey rinks have always been a safe space for me. ”
I don’t want him to see how much that hurts my heart. Theo’s desires are so simple, yet he believes they are out of his reach. His picture would be in the dictionary next to lonely, rich kid. “What else?” I encourage him.
“Dinner at this place in Boston where they have the absolute best lobster. We could go to dinner together, and no one would care.” His chest heaves.
“It sounds amazing.” If I could protect this man from the world, I would.
“Your turn,” he whispers.
He’s put his heart out for me, and I need to step up.
“You’ve changed my idea of a perfect day,” I say, and his green eyes cloud with uncertainty.
“I would’ve said winning The Cup or MVP or getting named to the All-Star team.
But those things don’t matter if you can’t share them with anyone.
” My dark finger runs across his pink bottom lip.
“Before you, I never thought anyone would choose me,” I whisper.
Theo huffs, about to interrupt me, but I continue. “Not like I’m a bad person, but who in their right mind would choose the scrutiny and hate from strangers?”
He nods with understanding. “I get that.”
“But we found each other, and all the things I wanted for myself, I want for you. A perfect day would be like this. Just us in our little bubble with no outside interference.” It’s a truth I hadn’t even thought about until now.
Theo’s eyes shining down on me is my reward. “Some of those things we can do together, like winning The Cup and being All-Stars, but there’s only one MVP, and you would deserve it more.”
I wind my body around his. “That’s not how that works.”
Theo playfully rolls his eyes. “It’s as much a popularity contest as skill. It’s fine. I would rather people respect me than like me.”
“How would you know?”
Without hesitation, he says, “Being on the cover of the pro hockey game. Everyone respects those guys.”
“You’ll do it. And I bet guys will like you as well.” I hate that he doesn’t see the good in himself.
“You only think that because I let you stick your dick in me.”