20. Luke
20
Luke
T hings are as they were before I went to Chicago , only worse. We are in separate corners, but we don’t even act like family. I shouldn’t have come home, guns blazing, and expect Rachel to suddenly want to be in a romantic relationship with me. I swear, I feel as if I see a future that Evan and Rachel cannot. It’s right fucking there in front of us! We just have to take it. We are so close. If only she would join us.
A shooting star flashes above me. I could lay here under the skylight and watch them forever. I think they are the reason I fall asleep most nights. Better than counting sheep.
There is more to work through than I want to admit. Yeah , I am lonely, but so is Rachel . I don’t give that enough consideration, and I certainly don’t think about how being consumed with taking care of Olivia affects her. It seems so natural for Rachel . She slipped into motherhood with such grace. Yet she sleeps alone too, and I have kept everything safely at arm’s length.
Then I go and fuck it up by getting involved with a random stranger. Rachel didn’t even kiss Bridges . She told him no, and that her heart was taken. The knife twists every time I remember her words. She was here protecting our flame, while I let a girl suck my dick.
Maybe we have been apart too long. A sick feeling of dread rolls over me. Is this what it feels like when something is ending? Is what Rachel and I shared coming to an end?
I snag my phone from the charger and call Evan .
“ Luke ?” His voice is scratchy. It’s late there; after two in the morning late. “ You okay?”
“ I miss you.”
A lovely rough sound makes its way from him to me. “ Miss you too.”
I want to talk to him about Rachel , but it isn’t the time. He’s not awake, and I’m emotional. “ Are you naked?”
He groans as he stretches. “ Uh -huh. You looking for some phone sex?”
“ Nah . I just wanted to hear you tell me.”
“ Let me guess, you’re naked, smack in the middle of the bed, and looking out through the skylight at the stars.”
“ Yeah .” I tuck my free hand behind my head.
“ When I come to visit, I want to do that with you,” he says.
“ We will. We will do a lot of things under this skylight.”
He chuckles softly. “ You’re worrying me.”
“ I’m fine. Just lonely.”
“ I’m there with you, always.”
I don’t have the heart to tell him it’s not the same. I wasn’t prepared for being apart from Evan after we had consummated our feelings. “ I love you,” I whisper.
“ Love you…” his voice is barely audible.
Closing my eyes, I listen to him breathe into the phone and imagine I’m next to him, wrapped up in him. Memories of our time together float through my mind, easing the ache. My body relaxes a little more with each exhale of his breath. There aren’t words for how much I love him.
A soft snoring sound interrupts my fantasies. I open my eyes to a sky full of stars. His snoring is kind of adorable especially since he denies ever doing it.
“ What have I got to do, to be with you and Rachel forever?” I whisper.
He doesn’t respond. His snoring doesn’t skip a beat. I feel bad for waking him.
“ Goodnight ,” I whisper before disconnecting the call.
For now, it’s enough. It’s enough for me to pull the pillow against my chest, close my eyes, and imagine he’s softly snoring in my arms.
RACHEL
We are nothing more than two people living in the same proximity to one another. Luke has been cold to me. To be fair, I’ve been the same to him. It’s my day off, but as with all the other days off I’ve had since our argument, I don’t see him until dinner. In fact, we are never alone together. Olivia is always here. I suppose it’s safer that way. We’re being cowards.
I am still hurt that he doesn’t understand why I feel a little betrayed. Nowhere in this twisted mess did I ever consider he would be with another woman. It is different with Evan . I broke his heart, but Evan wanted to leave so he could experience a life he can never have here. So Evan sleeping with that girl from the bar isn’t a surprise. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. It does, but not like knowing Luke did the same thing.
The connection we share…shared.
We haven’t shared that connection in years, so maybe this was inevitable. He is the one who broke things off after I got pregnant. Of course, he would be attracted to other women. All it took was for him to get the hell out of Wyoming . I should feel lucky he didn’t spend weekends in Jackson hooking up with other women.
He did say he did it mostly to get close to Evan . It worked. Now they’re together.
I take a deep breath, as I add what must be the twentieth bobby pin, to my hair. Luke was right, I never should have cut it so much. At least when it was longer I could braid it, and do more with it. It looks like shit. Giving up, I remove the bobby pins one by one, and tie my hair up into a ponytail. I’m not cutting it anymore. Luke hates it, and so do I .
My reasons for cutting it are over now. At the time, I needed to let go of all the pain and grief, over Wyatt’s death, as well as losing the loves of my life. The change was an emotional one, but now I don’t really even recognize myself. It’s time to move on.
I find my phone and look up a number I never thought I would.
RACHEL: Hey.
brIDGES: Well hey, darling. To what do I owe the pleasure?
RACHEL: It’s my day off, and I could use a night out.
brIDGES: What did you have in mind?
RACHEL: Cooking dinner on the grill and eating on the porch?
brIDGES: Sounds perfect. Is that an invite?
RACHEL: Actually, I don’t want to do it here.
brIDGES: Okay then. You okay with coming to my place? You don’t even have to come inside the house. We can keep it to the patio.
RACHEL: What time?
brIDGES: How about six? Are you bringing Olivia?
RACHEL: Not this time. Could use some adult time, but only as friends.
He doesn’t respond for a bit, and I wonder if I know what I’m doing. The man did try to kiss me. No , I am allowed to have a male friend, someone not associated with work or the ranch. So what if it makes Luke a little jealous? Maybe he will understand a little of my feelings.
brIDGES: Looking forward to it.
RACHEL: What do I need to bring?
brIDGES: Not a thing. I’ll take care of everything, including sending Caleb off so we can be kid-free.
RACHEL: Thank you, Bridges.
brIDGES: No, thank you! You can thank me after you’ve had the best steak of your life.
I actually smile and laugh. I could use so much more of that. Being here where Luke never smiles, and we barely exchange words, is grating on me.
Bridges ’ house is farther from Alta than I anticipated, closer to the mountains, and pretty far off the beaten path. I feel bad that Caleb has to travel so far after working on our ranch, but I suppose if your dad is rich, then the price of gas is trivial. The house is a two-story log cabin. The front door has a stained-glass window. The exterior is a cross between rustic and expensive. When I ring the doorbell, there doesn’t seem to be life inside of the house.
“ Thought I heard you drive up.” Bridges is standing at the corner of the porch with his thumbs in his belt loops. “ Come on. The patio is in the back.”
“ You were serious about not stepping foot in your house,” I comment as I join him.
“ Nonsense ! You can use the indoor bathroom.”
“ Kind of you.”
He laughs and leads me around the house to the back. The entire back side of the house is windows. There is a warm glow from the lamp light in the main room. It looks very rustic, and all male, with large columns made from the trunks of trees, leather furniture, and a massive chandelier made from deer antlers.
“ Did you have any trouble with the directions?” he asks.
“ No . I was just surprised how far out from town you live.”
“ I like my privacy. Have a seat,” he offers.
The patio is massive, with lights strung from the pergola that covers the seating area, and what looks to be a hot tub with a cover over it. There is a fire in the fire pit, providing warmth from the small chill in the evening air.
I sit in one of the chairs made from heavy, rough wood, similar to what seems to be inside. It’s a popular style for this area, but it’s never been my taste. Says the girl who lives on a ranch in a house that is over a hundred years old.
“ Can I get you a drink? Wine ? Beer ?”
“ Tea if you have it. If not, water will do.”
He opens a small refrigerator tucked under the stone outdoor kitchen, complete with not one but three massive, stainless steel grills, a sink, a smoker, and a bar.
“ You must entertain here often.”
He smirks as he pours tea into a glass for me. “ Sometimes . When the weather is right, I cook outdoors more than indoors. I’ve been known to have people over from time to time.”
“ If I had a patio like this, I would be out here all the time too.”
“ You have a nice wrap-around porch.”
“ Yeah , I love my porch swing, but this is another level.”
He sets a plate of bacon-wrapped jalape?o poppers on the stone ledge of the fire pit, and takes the seat next to me. “ Hope you don’t mind some spice.”
“ Love it!” I say too eagerly as I take one of the poppers and bite into it. They’re delicious. Having Bridges cook was the right thing to do.
“ The potatoes are roasting. I’ll put the steaks on in a bit. How do you like yours cooked?”
“ Medium .”
“ You should try it rare!” he urges.
“ Nope , I like it medium, please. Not into raw meat. Needs to be hot in the center too.”
“ Yes ma’am!”
It becomes a little awkward and quiet. As if I don’t notice, I look out over the small pond at the edge of the yard. Beyond that are Aspen and pine trees. It’s very serene and peaceful.
“ I have to ask,” he starts, “what changed your mind about going out with me?”
“ I didn’t really change my mind. We’re not going to date. I could use some time with a friend.”
“ So you said. I’m okay with that, by the way, being friends. I’m just curious why me?”
“ I thought a lot about what you said about us having several things in common, and if you’re willing to forgo a sexual relationship, I think we could be good company for each other.”
His laugh sounds a little like a grumble as he leans his head back to look at the stars.
“ That is still a sticking point for you, isn’t it?”
Turning his head, he looks at me with a sinister grin. “ I just think it’s a waste.”
My eyebrows rise. “ A waste?”
“ Yep .”
“ Of what? Time ?” I ask.
“ Why cut yourself off like that? I’m not saying we should go jump in the sack, but why take away the possibility that it might develop into that?”
I take a deep breath, deciding another popper will help delay me having to answer.
“ You’re a beautiful woman, Rachel . I get it, you have a kid, and there is a lot at stake, but from what I hear, you don’t even date.”
I narrow my eyes at him. “ And what have you heard?”
“ Are they wrong?” He asks.
“ I was in love. That doesn’t just disappear. And you’re right, there is much at stake; more than you or anyone else realizes.”
“ Do you think Wyatt would have wanted you to spend your life alone?”
He thinks I’m referring to Wyatt , which is for the best. I’m not going to correct him. Friend or foe, I will never tell him about Luke and Evan .
“ I think Wyatt is with Jeanette where he always wanted to be, and I have Olivia . For now, that is all I need.”
“ It’s not. I just hope you don’t spend all these years alone, and then regret it later on.”
“ Well , it’s really none of your business.”
He chuckles. “ Damn , I bet you are a firecracker in the bedroom.”
I roll my eyes. “ Whatever ! You’ll never know. Now either stop with all this discussion about my sex life, or I will make my way home.”
Bridges holds up his hands in compliance. “ Ok , darling. Have it your way.” He stands and offers me his hand. “ Come sit at the bar while I grill the steaks.”
I glare at him for a bit. No sense in making this seem too easy for him. He may not know me very well, but I will stick to my guns.
“ Please ?” He asks.
I shrug, take his hand, and follow him to the grill.
LUKE
Something tells me, Rachel isn’t out with a girl friend. I doubt one of her friends from work drove all the way to Alta to meet with her. Hell , maybe they aren’t in Alta . She could have gone to Jackson .
I switch off the television and sit in the quiet darkness. Olivia was an angel and went to bed hours ago. I have spent the entire time since, waiting for Rachel to come home. It’s not that I mind watching over Olivia , it’s the reason Rachel isn’t here. I look at the clock for the hundredth time. It’s almost eleven. At this point, I just want her to come home. She doesn’t realize how I worry about her every morning and afternoon, that she drives to and from work in Jackson . I hate to admit it, but I can sort of understand why Dad wanted her to work in Alta after she had a baby.
“ Stop it.” I scold myself. She is a perfectly capable woman. I just… I feel responsible for her. I want to take care of her, and yet, I don’t really have a claim to do so.
I sit in the dark until Rachel comes home. The light from the kitchen blinds me when she switches it on after coming inside. She doesn’t see me in the living room. As she hangs up her purse, her phone tings. She reads the message and smiles before quickly typing something back.
“ Is he thanking you for the evening?” I ask.
Rachel jumps as her eyes search the room for me. When she finally sees me, she takes a deep breath. Ignoring my question, she enters the living room.
“ How was my baby?” she asks.
“ An angel as always. Are you going to answer my question?”
Rachel crosses her arms over her chest. “ I told you, I was spending time with a friend.”
“ Is that friend Bridges ?”
“ I’m entitled to a social life.”
I stand, moving closer to where she is standing. “ So it is.”
She rolls her eyes and shakes her head. “ We have a lot in common, but it was just dinner with a friend, nothing more, so don’t get your panties in a bunch.”
I slide my hands in my pockets and hang my head. “ They’re not.”
“ Obviously something is wrong. Are you going to forbid me from seeing Bridges ?”
As I look into her brown eyes, I wonder where has my girl gone? Her eyes don’t seem as bright as they once were, and I struggle to recall the last time I saw her really smile.“ Nah , babe.” I reach up and finger a lock of hair that has slipped from her ponytail.
She gives a huff. “ Don’t do that.”
“ Do what?”
“ Act …” She throws her hands up in the air. “ I don’t know. Disappointed .”
“ I’m not acting. If you want me to pretend it doesn’t hurt, I’m unable to do that.”
“ Why ? Because you have some claim over me, or because I shouldn’t do what you can do so easily.”
Fuck me! I knew she was stubborn, but it’s more infuriating than ever. “ No , I don’t have any claim over you, little peach. If you don’t want me to, then it’s not up to me.” I step around her but stop in my tracks. “ For what it’s worth, I’m very sorry for touching that girl. I didn’t want to, not for a second.”
“ Then why did you?”
“ I already told you.”
“ So you could be closer to Evan .”
I cut my gaze to her. “ Partially , but also because I’ve been so damn lonely. Not once since we ended things, have you slipped up and kissed me, or even flirted with me. It became apparent that you didn’t want us anymore.”
“ That’s not true.”
“ Then why resist me when I decided I wanted to fight for what we have?”
“ Fight for us?” she asks, a little confused.
“ Don’t you get it? I didn’t want in your pants, Rachel . I wanted in your heart. It was selfish of me really, to want both you, and Evan , at the same time. I can be happy with Evan . I am happy with him. I love him, but I will always love you too.”
Her expression falls, as do her arms, but before I follow my instincts and take her in my arms, I leave.
I barely slept. The idea of Rachel and Bridges does not sit well with me, at all. All night I considered calling Evan and telling him. I know he would be pissed too, but I’m not sure how it would affect him. There has to be some way to get him and Rachel at least talking again. This would all be so much easier if they would at least acknowledge one another.
My other problem is that I miss Evan . It’s been several weeks, and he still doesn’t know when he can visit. It’s harder for him to get away from his job than it is for me, or it was. Summer is on the horizon, and it’s always the busiest time. We’ve already had eleven new calves born. It's the growing season for the hay, so I’ll need to rotate the cows to a different field, and it will soon be time to think about the cattle market.
That is the other thing I am losing sleep over. I’m either too busy or too tired, to work on my photography. I haven’t told Rachel yet, but I’m considering selling the ranch, at least most of it. It’s too much land, and too much livestock, for me to handle on my own, while a good portion of the income from the cattle sales goes to paying for help. Not only would it give me more time to pursue photography, but some seed money to invest in it.
But fuck if I’m going to bring it up to Rachel now. We’re going to have to come to some sort of understanding where we can have a decent conversation that isn’t clipped and cold.
“ Miss Bug is ready for her pancakes!” Rachel announces as Olivia runs into the kitchen and immediately wraps herself around my leg. She looks up at me with her big brown eyes and smiles. She has Rachel’s dimples.
“ We don’t feed bugs at the table, ma’am!” I say as I flip a pancake.
“ I’m not a bug, I’m Little Miss O ,” she says softly, still sleepy and in her quiet mode. Neither of us are morning people.
I bend down and kiss her cheek. “ Well , in that case, you better have a seat. How many pancakes do you want?”
“ Five ,” she says as she wraps her arms around my neck.
Five isn’t many. I’ve seen her eat ten. Keep in mind I make tiny pancakes for her. She likes the number more than the size. I scoop her up and take her to her seat.
Rachel reenters the kitchen and pours her coffee as I make my way back to the stove. I plate the two pancakes in the pan and pour the batter for five more. When I hold out the plate, Rachel takes it. Like a well-oiled machine, we get breakfast on the table and sit together to eat.
Suddenly Olivia declares, “ I don’t like it!”
“ Like what?” Rachel asks. “ Your pancakes?”
Olivia has a half-eaten pancake in one hand and is using the other hand to prop up her head. I push her curls back and kiss the top of her head. “ Do you want something else to eat?” I ask.
Olivia jerks her hand away, holding her pancake high. “ No , my Luke ! You can’t have my pancakes!”
“ Then what is wrong?” Rachel asks.
“ I don’t like that you and Luke don’t talk.”
Rachel and I glance at one another. I suppose we were stupid to think Olivia wouldn’t notice.
“ We talk to each other,” Rachel says.
“ No , you don’t!”
I don’t know what to say. I’m not going to lie to the kid.
“ When we have a fight, Miss Lisa makes us kiss and make up.”
“ Sunday school teacher,” Rachel explains to me before addressing Olivia . “ We’re not fighting, honey.”
Olivia makes a heavy sigh and drops her pancake. “ You have to kiss and make up. Then everything will be alright.”
Rachel and I look at each other over the table. This is one of those moments I’m glad I’m not the parent. This kind of thing is all up to Rachel to solve.
“ We’re adults, and adults have to solve situations differently. We can’t kiss and make up,” she explains.
I stuff a fork full of pancakes in my mouth to keep from laughing.
“ You have to!” Olivia crosses her arms over her chest as if she has suddenly turned fifty years old.
Rachel shakes her head and gets up to take her dirty plate to the sink. “ This is silly! Finish up your breakfast. I’m taking you today, and we need to leave soon.”
“ No !”
I bite my tongue because the scene of a mad little girl with her mom rolling her eyes behind her is comical. Olivia couldn’t have picked a worse way to get us to resolve our issues. Still , it’s kind of hilarious that she did.
“ Olivia Jeanette Garrett , stop this and finish your breakfast, or you’re going to school on an empty stomach.”
The mention of my mother’s name causes me to blanch, more so because Rachel used to call me by my proper name when she was mad.
With the meanest scowl a four-year-old can have, Olivia begins shoving her breakfast into her mouth. Poor girl, breakfast food is her weakness. Reminds me of Evan .
“ Can you get her cleaned up when she’s finished? I’m going to get dressed.”
“ Yep ,” I answer.
Olivia and I eat in silence until she’s finished. I help her wash her hands in the bathroom sink and brush out her hair before clipping in a unicorn barrette to keep it out of her eyes. Rachel is filling a tumbler with coffee when we make it back to the kitchen. When she turns around, she ignores me, and reaches her hand out for Olivia to take.
Olivia turns her face against my leg and starts crying.
“ What did you do?”
I throw up my hands. “ I didn’t do anything!”
Olivia starts crying loudly. Rachel crouches down and attempts to hug her, but she only holds to my leg tighter.
“ It’s time to leave. Let Luke go.”
“ Not until you kiss him so you will stop fighting!”
My heart pangs. She’s too little to understand anything except that the two people she loves aren’t happy with each other.
“ That’s not going to happen,” Rachel tells her.
I cradle Olivia’s head in my palm. “ Maybe a little kiss would fix things,” I offer as a solution.
Rachel glares at me from below. “ Don’t you start.”
I shake my head. “ It’s no big thing, Rachel . Let’s show Little O that everything is fine, so she will feel better. ” I stress the last word, hoping she understands that a quick peck on the cheek isn’t going to hurt either of us.
Rachel stands and squares her shoulders. She attempts to give me a quick peck on the cheek but misses when I turn my head. Her kiss lands on my chin. The crying has turned into sniffles, and when I look down, Olivia is watching us with a splotchy face, and pouty lips.
“ That doesn’t count, Mom .”
Rachel is clearly pissed with this entire production, but Olivia is just as stubborn as her mother. Guess it’s up to me to fix this. Reaching out my hands, I offer them to Rachel . Eventually , she takes them, but won’t look me in the eyes.
“ I’m sorry,” I tell her. I don’t elaborate because she knows the reason. I’ve said it before, but I suppose it won’t hurt for her to hear it again. “ Can you forgive me? Please ?”
Rachel looks away and huffs.
“ Mommy , tell my Luke you forgive him.”
Dropping a hand, I caress Olivia’s soft curls silently thanking her for insisting on forgiveness.
Rachel finally looks into my eyes. “ I forgive you. I’m sorry too… I guess.”
Her half-assed apology causes me to crack a smile.
“ Now kiss!” Olivia tugs on my pant leg.
I can’t help but smirk, waiting for Rachel to rise up for a kiss. I pull her hands to me, and reluctantly, she moves closer. I wait until she tips her chin up. As I lean in, her eyes close, but when our lips touch, that connection sparks to life. At first, our lips pause, pressed together and still. Rachel looks into my eyes, and I see all I need to see, forgiveness, longing, and weariness. The need to make it all go away overtakes me as I pull her body against mine and slide the tip of my tongue along the seam of her lips. I’m surprised when they gently part. That’s when I lose my ability to think logically about where we are, or who is watching.
I wrap my hands around Rachel’s face and angle it so I can deepen the kiss. I let my tongue carefully explore her mouth and finally coax her tongue to entwine with mine. She lets out a soft moan as her fingers wrap around my arms and squeeze. She tastes like the love of my life, the most forbidden of fruits. Just as my cock begins to harden, a round of clapping breaks the moment.
Olivia has let go of my leg and is clapping joyfully. Our lips part, but Rachel’s eyes stay closed. I embrace her and kiss her hair.
“ I got you,” I whisper.
She leans into me, heavy and needy. For a few blissful moments, everything feels right with the world.
“ I need to go,” she whispers with a raspy voice.
“ I’ll be here when you come home, babe.”
Leaning back, she looks into my eyes. Her look seems to be pleading with me, but I’m not sure whether it’s for more of what we just shared, or the need to be free from me.
“ Get in the car, Olivia ,” she says.
Olivia squeals and the only thing I hear is the smack of the screen door. Rachel jumps so I use the distraction to take her in a heated kiss once more. This time, she gives in completely without hesitation. The passion between us burns as if it were never extinguished. I pray… oh how I pray, this means she’s letting me back into the intimacy we’ve known.
Suddenly she steps back, placing her hand over her mouth and shaking her head. “ We shouldn’t. We can’t.”
“ Rachel …”
“ I need to go.” She quickly turns, grabbing her stuff, and escaping out the back door.
Walking to the door, I watch as a flustered Rachel , buckles Olivia into the carseat, gets in the car, and drives away. Knowing no one is around, I stick my hand in my jeans and grasp my cock. I prop my arm against the doorframe, lay my head against it, and stroke myself slowly. I imagine Rachel returning later today and finding me in the loft. Not even able to wait, she jumps into my arms and showers me with kisses while she tells me how much she wants and needs me.
Evan is there too. He embraces her from behind and fondles her breasts as he kisses her neck. He tells her how he can’t stay away any longer, and when my kiss with Rachel ends, she kisses him.
Fuck it!
We’re naked, and she wiggles her body down onto my throbbing cock. Evan eases his lips from hers to mine and kisses me with all the rough hunger he did the last time we kissed.
I come in my jeans, my hand instantly covered with my hot sticky release. Squeezing my eyes shut, I gasp for breath as I squeeze and milk my cock with my fist.
The sound of tires on gravel has me jerking to stand.
“ Shit !”
Randy is driving around the house to park. He has Colton with him today. I must be out of my mind to jerk off in the damn doorway! If I’ve learned one thing, it’s that there is no privacy on this ranch. I swear, I’m going to install a locked gate at the road. Now I have to change into a clean pair of boxers and jeans before he wonders where the fuck I am and sends Colton looking for me. I stumble on weak legs to the dryer and pray the clean laundry is still inside. I am not prepared to come up with an excuse as to why I have to change my pants before the day has even begun.
When I pop open the dryer door, thankfully it’s full of clean clothes. I find a pair of jeans and underwear, then go to the bathroom to clean up and change.