CHAPTER 5
A few days later…
SEBASTIAN
After a long, demanding day of rehearsals at the conservatoire, I finally let myself unwind, stretched out on the sofa.
The flat is quiet, completely still, and I know I should be focusing on flat-hunting… But my mind keeps drifting back to the past few days.
In the end, the only tickets I could find for A Little Life were for next weekend, so I’ll just have to wait a little longer.
Thank God I jumped on the Savoy’s website Saturday night as soon as I got home, i hadn’t expected the show to be this popular, but apparently it’s drawing a huge crowd.
That makes me happy. I really hope the performance lives up to the novel.
And I hope Remi doesn’t get too bored. The more I get to know him, the more I realize: patience might not be his strong suit, except with me.
With me, he’s different.
Softer.
Like he’s trying to make sure I never feel out of place.
Saturday night, I barely managed to get through the ticket purchase, typed in my card details, confirmed two seats near the front, and then I must’ve passed out cold.
The next morning, I woke up in my bed with no memory of how I’d gotten there. When I asked Remi over breakfast, he just shrugged and told me, completely nonchalantly, that he’d carried me.
I don’t think I managed to hide my surprise, no matter how hard I tried. And even though I laughed it off, there was this sudden rush of affection I wasn’t quite prepared for,
something that’s been happening more and more lately.
Of course, I thanked him and told him he really didn’t need to go to all that trouble. He just smiled, looking vaguely embarrassed, and mumbled something about how I “weigh nothing anyway.”
I didn’t exactly take it as a compliment. Being this small has always bothered me, ever since I was a kid. I used to wish I were tall and strong. Like him.
But over time, I’ve come to realize that being petite and lean isn’t always a disadvantage. In some ways, it can be… useful.
Still, since that morning, I’ve barely seen him around.
And now I can’t help but wonder if he’s avoiding me.
It felt like we were off to such a good start…
and now I can’t help but wonder if I did something wrong.
I don’t know him well enough to ask outright, and maybe I’m just imagining things, especially since I’ve barely had time to breathe between rehearsals and my internship.
What little free time I’ve had, I’ve it spent flat-hunting,
but nothing’s worked out so far. Everything’s either far too expensive or miles from the conservatoire.
Remi’s been heading out early each morning for lectures at the university, and in the evenings, he’s either at the gym or swimming.
We haven’t had dinner together once this week.
He did ask if I wanted to join him for his workouts a couple of times, but it felt more like a polite gesture than a real invitation.
So I stuck to my usual stretching routines and kept chipping away at the flat search in the evenings.
I’ve tried to help around the house too, cleaning, laundry, running little errands, especially since both he and Maddie insisted I don’t contribute to the rent.
It just feels like the least I can do.
I even stocked the fridge and pantry, after quietly taking note of Remi’s preferences. A few times, I cooked something simple and left it for him in the microwave.
In the mornings, he always thanks me, politely, with that same awkward undertone that’s been there since the night at the pub, but we haven’t had a proper, personal conversation since.
Which is why I’m starting to feel nervous about our theatre plans. Maybe I was too impulsive asking him. Or maybe the whole thing with Ian affected him more than I realized.
Worst-case scenario: Maybe I’m the problem. Maybe he’s just not that interested in spending time with me anymore.
The thought twists in my stomach, because… I really like him.
Weird habits and all.
God, what a mess.
I don’t even know for sure if he’s avoiding me.
And more importantly, I don’t understand why it bothers me this much.
I mean… he’s my best friend’s boyfriend.
He’s been kind enough to let me stay here.
Soon, hopefully, I’ll have a place of my own, and if he does find me annoying, it won’t really matter anymore.
Except it does matter.
The truth is, I really like Remi. A lot.
And even though I know nothing could ever happen between us, this will never be more than friendship, I still want him to like me.
I want to be his friend. I want to be part of his life, not as Maddie’s ex, but as me. As Sebastian.
Maybe the theatre night will be a good chance to figure out where we stand. Or maybe it’ll be a disaster.
Whatever happens, the next step is talking to Anne. She’s been completely swamped with the launch of a new store for the brand she works for, so we haven’t had a chance to meet up like I’d hoped. We’ve just been texting.
Saturday night, we’re all meant to have dinner together again. I’m hoping to go with Remi, if he’s still up for it.
The thought that this fragile new friendship might already be over before it’s even begun… it just doesn’t make sense.
A strange heaviness starts pressing on my chest,
a tight, sinking feeling I know all too well.
The kind that always comes just before a panic attack.
I can’t let it happen. Not again.
But, as always, I don’t know how to stop it either.
The therapy I did in Paris never really helped.
And right now, all I can do is hold myself together, with every last bit of strength I have, and try, somehow, not to fall apart.