CHAPTER 11
A few days later…
REMI
Keeping my distance from Sebastian is becoming one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
The other night, I nearly kissed him.
Since the moment we met, I haven’t felt like myself. Every precaution, every carefully constructed plan, every wall I built to keep the world at arm’s length, they’ve all started to crumble.
Replaced by something reckless.Hungry.
A version of me I barely recognise, one that wants nothing more than to pull him close and never let go.
What scares me the most isn’t just how strong this longing is.
It’s the suspicion that maybe this version of me, the impulsive one, the one fuelled by emotion, isn’t a stranger at all.
Maybe he’s who I’ve always been, under all the armour.
And if that’s true… maybe I’ve been holding back from life for far too long.
That thought has been gnawing at me for days, sinking its roots deeper with every hour I spend near Sebastian.
And sometimes, I wonder if I should just stop resisting.
Let go. Offer him everything, if he even wants it.
On the ride home from that awful night at the club, he leaned into me like he belonged there.
Like it was the most natural thing in the world.
His head nestled in the crook of my neck, his breath warm on my skin.
And suddenly the car felt too small. Too hot. Too much.
Then, when I slipped my arm around his waist, my fingers brushed something unexpected.
Lace.
Peeking out from beneath the waistband of his jeans.
Just a sliver. But enough to send my brain into a full-blown tailspin.
I spent the rest of the car ride trying not to completely implode, trying not to shift, not to let on just how hard I was struggling.
Praying he couldn’t feel what was happening to me.
The second we got home, after making sure he was safely tucked in bed, I bolted to the bathroom, turned on the shower, and stepped under the scalding spray. Still fully clothed.
And I came undone.
Just the thought of him in lace, those delicate fabrics skimming over his delicate skin, was enough to push me over the edge. I didn’t even know they made lingerie for men. But imagining it on him? Of course. Of course, he’d look perfect. Of course it would drive me out of my fucking mind.
I can’t keep thinking about him like this. It’s too much.
Too dangerous.
For the sake of my sanity, for what’s left of my self-control,
I have to pull back.
Now.
I’m not confused about my attraction to him anymore.
The surprise isn’t that I’m into a guy, it’s that I’m into him.
Only him.
Maybe it was always about finding the right person.
Maybe it was always Sebastian.
Either way, I’ve started using the word bisexual when I think about myself. Not because I feel I have to label it, but because it fits.
It makes sense. It feels like mine.
What doesn’t feel right is this limbo I’ve been stuck in.
And I know it can’t last much longer.
Maddie’s postponed our conversation more than once, work, meetings, time zones, but tonight, we’re finally going to talk.
And I need that.
I need to stop carrying this weight around in my chest.
I need to tell her the truth. All of it.
Ending our relationship is going to hurt. But she deserves honesty. She deserves someone who’s fully in it with her.
And that’s not me.
Not anymore.
Lost in thought, I’m snapped back to the present by the buzz of my phone.
I glance down, and of course. It’s her.
Maddie.
Not a message. A FaceTime call.
This isn’t when we were meant to talk. I’m not ready. I’m still half-wet from the shower, hair dripping, towel slung low around my hips.
I’ve got seconds to decide before it cuts to voicemail.
I’m not perfect. I’ve made mistakes.
But if there’s one thing I’ve never been, it’s a coward.
So I take a breath and pick up.