Chapter Six
Dáithí
I pick up my glass and take a drink while Jared and Noah process the whole story. I didn’t leave out many details, since they’ll need all the information to help me come up with the right test for Eoin.
“You’re one hundred percent sure that Eoin won’t be happy in a relationship with you?” Jared asks, a sympathetic frown turning down the corners of his mouth.
“It’s not me, specifically,” I clarify. I don’t have self-esteem issues for them to fix. “He’s just not the kind of person who can commit. It might make him happy at first, but eventually that will change, and then we’ll both be miserable.”
“Is this, like, a polyamory thing?” Noah wonders. “Because that’s got nothing to do with commitment.”
I shake my head. “I considered that, but I really don’t think it is.
For one thing, Eoin’s old enough and open-minded enough to have realized for himself if he was polyamorous.
It’s general knowledge that he’s always upfront about what he’s offering when he hooks up with people, whether for a night or a bit longer.
I don’t think he’d be suddenly secretive about being polyam.
I definitely don’t think he’d tell me he wanted a committed relationship and not mention that, especially since we agreed to be monogamous while we were seeing each other. ”
“Nah, that seems unlikely,” Noah agrees.
“And it doesn’t fit with Eoin’s character,” Jared adds.
“I’ve gotten to know him pretty well, and he’s not afraid of the truth.
Even when you wish he would be. But,” he continues before I can ask what truth Eoin shared that Jared wished he hadn’t, “that just makes me wonder why you’re so sure Eoin can’t be happy in a long-term committed relationship. Isn’t that up to him to decide?”
I roll my eyes. Here we go again. “Do you really think someone who’s had the same approach to romantic connections for thousands of years, with not a single actual relationship in all that time, is suddenly going to want forever with one person?
I have a great opinion of myself, but not even I think Eoin’s whole outlook on commitment is going to change because of me.
He might want something with me now, but it’s not going to last, and I don’t want to give him everything only to have my heart broken again. Not when I know better.”
They exchange a glance, the kind that makes me think back over what I’ve said. No, it’s all—
“Again?” Noah asks softly. “That sounds like you’ve been burned before.”
Dammit. I really don’t want to get into that. “Haven’t we all? Unlike Eoin, I’ve been someone’s boyfriend before—quite a few people.”
Jared leans forward. “But is all of this”—he waves a hand to encompass our conversation and the whole situation—“because of a specific past boyfriend who broke your heart?”
The question stops me in my tracks. “No!” Is it? “No,” I repeat firmly. “Maybe there’s stuff that happened in the past that gives me some insight on situations like this, but the decisions I’m making are based on me and Eoin.”
“Because Eoin’s a commitment-phobe.” Noah’s watching me with an unreadable expression.
“Only when it comes to romantic relationships,” I correct.
“He’s got no problem committing to long-term friendships, and before we came here and things changed, he was in the same job for longer than I’ve known him.
That’s the point. I’ve known Eoin for a very long time—more than fifty times longer than either of you has been alive.
I knew of his reputation before that. It’s not unreasonable of me to believe that after happily and willingly choosing to avoid relationships for that long, he’s not going to change.
” I’m repeating myself now. Why doesn’t anyone want to understand this?
“That’s a fair point,” Jared concedes, fiddling with his chopsticks. “I still think it’s possible, though. People do change.”
I shrug. There’s no point in arguing about that. He’s right, people do change sometimes, either because of life influences or because they want to. That doesn’t mean Eoin will.
“I still want to hear about the guy who burned you,” Noah says. “Maybe it’s not directly impacting your decision, but you did say it gave you ‘insight’ on it.”
Ugh. I’d forgotten that when you talk to friends about your life, they take it as an invitation to dig into everything. I love gossip, but not so much when I’m the one being talked about.
Still, I did invite them here, and I do need help.
“There’s not a lot to talk about,” I admit.
“It was a long time ago. I was very young and romantic, and Alan was a little older, very charming, and the local…” I search for the right word in English.
It’s been a long time since I used my translator spell, but sometimes I miss it.
“…heartthrob, I guess. His reputation was a lot like Eoin’s, though in hindsight, he wasn’t always so upfront about only wanting a good time.
There were a few broken hearts in his wake. ”
“Did he lie to get you to sleep with him?” Jared asks fiercely.
“If he did, tell me his last name. I have some friends who’d like to meet him,” Noah adds.
I grin and wave them off. “Not me, but I think he might have to some others. And he’s gone—I heard years later that he tripped while drunk and impaled himself on a fence paling. Dead before anyone knew, much less could try to heal him.”
They stare at me. I know exactly what they’re thinking.
Noah says it anyway. “That’s some righteous karma. Impaled on a fence post? Jesus.”
“Let’s get back to your story, even if Noah’s right about the karma. Were you as smitten by Alan as everyone else?”
I shrug again. “Of course. Young and romantic, remember. Youthful stupidity is the worst kind. I never bothered much to flutter around Alan. There were so many others already doing so that I didn’t think he’d even notice me, and then I got a boyfriend and didn’t care anymore anyway.
” I grimace. “Then my boyfriend dumped me. I didn’t take it well, and one day Alan found me in the woods, casting some not-nice spells at an effigy of my ex. ”
Jared makes a sad face, but Noah grins. “Really? That’s epic. What kind of spells?”
“The standard ones. Stink and itch, of course, but also one that causes uncontrollable sweating. I was surprised when that worked on the effigy, but it was very satisfying, since I’d never cast spells like that on a living person.”
“Of course not.” Noah’s gaze slides away. “That would be terrible. The sweating one would, at least. If that got out of control, a person could die of dehydration.” There’s a thoughtful note to his voice that confirms my impression of him being mean.
Jared mutters something about talking to Sam, and I figure it’s probably best if I continue.
“Anyway, Alan didn’t try anything with me.
He helped me beat up the effigy, and then we sat and talked for a while.
Even if he’d made a move, I wouldn’t have been receptive to it then, and he knew it.
I was surprised that I actually liked him, without all the…
lothario charm. Before, he’d been that… that dreamy guy everyone swooned over, right?
But I’d never heard anyone talk about what he was like aside from that.
He was easy to talk to, and we had some common interests. We became friends.”
Jared pushes aside his plate and props his elbow on the table. “This isn’t how I expected the story to go.”
Chuckling, I agree, “Past me didn’t either.
Alan was a good friend, though. He was still serial dating, which I didn’t care about at all, but after about fifteen years, when he was between lovers, he asked me why I wouldn’t give him a chance.
” The memories of that night rise, as clear as if it was yesterday.
It’s funny, because it wasn’t particularly romantic or special.
“We’d been out drinking and dancing, and we were still hyped up, laughing… sweaty. You know how it is.”
They both make agreeing sounds.
“Alan said he’d fallen in love with me months ago and was just waiting for me to give him a sign.
I was—” I laugh. “I was shocked. My mouth dropped open and I must have stuttered for a full minute. I didn’t believe him—not that he loved me, but the type of love it was.
We were friends, and I thought he was mixing his feelings up. ”
“I bet he loved being told that,” Noah scoffs, and I shake my head.
“We argued about it, and then I told him I was happy for us to be friends who fucked, but he wasn’t the commitment type, and I didn’t expect him to change on my behalf.” I pause reflectively. “I loved him as a friend, but not more, so I didn’t think it would be a problem.”
“A lot of this sounds familiar,” Jared muses. “Dáithí, have you considered not offering to fuck your friends?”
I’m laughing even before Noah sprays soda all over his plate. “Eoin and I weren’t truly friends, just friendly,” I defend as I pass Noah my napkin. “And the thing with him was always romantic…ish. It just wasn’t meant to be long-term.”
Pinching the bridge of his nose, Jared says, “Mmm. Let’s revisit that later. Go back to what you were saying about Alan.”
“There’s not much more to say. He wasn’t going to turn down regular, no-strings sex, so we started doing that, but about six months later, he brought up the whole being-in-love-with-me thing again.
By then…” I stop and think about all the feelings that were drowning me at the time.
“We were friends, and we loved each other, and he was… Well, he was Alan. I’d started to think we could have more.
Six months was almost his longest stretch of monogamy, and he wasn’t showing any signs of wanting that to change.
He swore that things were different with me because he loved me. That he’d changed—I’d changed him.”
Noah groans. “Uh-oh.”
“Yeah. I believed him. We were together for nearly fifty years after that, though I found out at the end that he hadn’t been faithful for about eighteen of those.
I loved him, and I was planning forever.
We had a house together, a pet, even. He was just as affectionate and loving as always—nothing had changed over the years.
I’ve thought about this so many times, but there were no signs for me to see. ”
“Did he just walk out?” Noah asks, and I shake my head.
“No, he came home one day and said he was moving to another settlement—this was before all the settlements were combined under one shield. He said he’d tried, but being committed to one person wasn’t for him, and he felt trapped and stifled.
He said that any love he’d ever felt for me had faded into misery.
” I keep my tone flat. Even after so long, those words hurt.
“I’m so sorry, Dáithí.” Jared lays a hand over one of mine. “You know none of that was your fault.”
“Fault doesn’t matter. He was miserable, and I was heartbroken.
I was lucky, in a way—for people who live as long as we do, the relationship was quite short.
Imagine how hurt I could have been if it had lasted longer.
I could have given him whole centuries, or even more.
” Those were the platitudes that got me through the months and years directly after he left.
They feel almost as empty now as they did then.
“You think that’s what Eoin would do?” Noah asks. “Cheat behind your back, then blame you for him being unhappy?”
The question stops me in my tracks. “No!” Is it?
“No,” I repeat firmly. “Maybe there’s stuff that happened in the past that gives me some insight on situations like this, but the decisions I’m making are based on me and Eoin.
I don’t want to spend another fifteen years—or more—thinking I’m in a happy relationship, only to have my heart shattered again.
I don’t want to force Eoin to be someone he isn’t. ”
An odd little silence falls. I’m not sure what they’re thinking, but I’m wishing I didn’t have to go back to work and could order a giant cocktail to wash away all the bad feelings I’ve dredged up.
“Dáithí,” Jared says abruptly, “I just realized something.”
“Oh?”
“This test we’re setting up for Eoin… what if he passes?”
I freeze. “What?”
“What happens if Eoin passes whatever test you end up giving him?”
“Oooh,” Noah hums. “Interesting.”
My gaze flickers between them, and then around the room. “I-I… I don’t know. I… can he pass?”
“That would be up to you and whatever test you decide on,” Jared points out. “But if you set a standard and he meets it, whatever that is, would you accept it as proof of his commitment?”
“I-I-I…”
Noah cuts into my babbling, “What Jared’s asking, Dáithí, is if you want Eoin to pass or fail?
Because if you want him out of your life, we can come up with a test that’s completely impossible to pass.
But if you want him to have a chance at passing, well…
” He shrugs. “I’m not saying we should make it easy for him, but if he can prove he’s ready to commit, there are ways for him to do that. ”
My head spins. I’d never stopped to think about this. To consider that maybe Eoin could actually pass this test. The whole test thing was his idea, and I… didn’t think it through.
“Is that an opportunity you want him to have?” Jared presses. “Dáithí, do you love Eoin, or think you could one day?”
I drag my gaze away from the wall and meet his. Do I love Eoin?
“Yes.”