Rainer
Mama said never to dismiss how someone tells you they’re feeling. If they’re brave enough to have a conversation about it, then you need to give them enough courtesy and respect to listen.
The low rumble of thunder penetrates the thick walls, but it’s quiet. I barely hear it over Keary’s voice as he continues to read to us. Mama taught me to read when I was small, so it’s been a long time since I was read to.
Learning to read wasn’t common in the larger colony of Nyc City, but Mama said that appreciating the library for what it was meant that I’d respect it more. If I respected the library, it would always be open for me.
She also told me it was important that I learned to read so I could read signs as I travel. That way, I’d always know where I am and where I’m going. She wanted me to be able to read our history as a species. She wanted me to escape into a story.
I love libraries. Not just for the security they bring but for the reasons Mama instilled in me. Libraries, more than any other place, are a hub for knowledge. If there’s an answer you’re seeking, you can probably find it in a library.
Thinking on what Keary told me about the Library of Alexandria, I imagine that’s why those libraries wanted copies of every manuscript on Earth. The endless pursuit of knowledge.
My eyes get heavy as I listen to Keary read. He does really well reading out loud. Every character has a different voice and personality that he makes come to life. For just a second, I’m a small child sitting in my mother’s arms, listening to her read to me.
It might be Keary’s voice or the constant static background noise of the rain on the roof or how comfortable and warm I am cuddled up against Drystan and Kaida, or it could just be the near absolute darkness of the room save for the flashlight Keary is reading by, but it isn’t long before my eyelids get heavy and I fall asleep.
I’m not sure how long I sleep. I’m in the same position I’d been in, which makes me think it’s only been minutes.
A quiet click of the door makes my eyes open, but the room is still completely dark.
“The storm over?” Notto asks, his voice quiet.
“It’s moved on,” Keary says. “There’s another storm cell moving north of us that I’ll keep an eye on, but I think it’s going to stay north. We’ll stay here for another day or two.”
“Is it a swamp outside?”
Keary snorts. “A giant puddle. Why did you bring him out in the storm?”
“It wasn’t storming when we left. Only rain. If you wouldn’t have taken off again, we wouldn’t have been in the storm.”
“You could have just stayed behind.”
“You could have left Rainer alone,” Notto counters.
Kaida growls quietly.
“I’m not going to wake him, lut,” Keary says. I feel his body press against mine, and Kaida continues to growl quietly. “See? That’s it.”
Silence fills the room for a minute. It’s so quiet without the rain that all I hear are our breaths.
“You should know that he’s ready to leave if we can’t stop fighting,” Notto says.
“I’m not letting him leave,” Keary hisses, making Kaida growl.
“You can’t force him to stay if he doesn’t want to be around you.”
“Funny since you force your presence on me and have for the last three decades,” Keary argues.
“You really want to fight right now after I just told you that he wants to leave because we can’t stop fighting?
” Notto asks. “Not to mention, how fucking hypocritical you are. You’re angry we’re forcing our presence on you when you fully intend to force yours on someone else. Do you even hear yourself?”
Keary doesn’t answer.
“It’s time we have a fucking conversation, Keary. Don’t ignore me. I’m not going away. We need to talk like civilized fucking people.”
Keary inhales deeply. “We do,” he agrees. “But we end up fighting because you won’t take no for an answer. What else do you want me to say?”
“I want you to tell me no with a legitimate reason why, as I’ve said all along.
As far as this topic is concerned, everything out of your mouth is a lie.
You get just as angry with us when we do leave as you are when we stay.
Over the last several hours, you just proved how much you love Drystan by doing anything you could to keep him from slipping into another panic attack.
Newly added to my reasons for calling bullshit on you is the fact that you’re insisting this human be yours in a way that you refuse to be with us.
Why? Why is it okay to mate the human pet when you refuse us? ”
It's a long time before Keary answers. “I don’t know,” is what he ends up with, but Notto is having none of it.
“That’s bullshit.”
Keary huffs in frustration. “I don’t want to play house.”
Uh… that comment feels very out of the blue. What does that even mean? I’m relieved when I’m not the only one confused.
“What?” Notto asks.
“I have no interest in living on base or in a small community. I don’t want to have a house and a perfect little domestic life. That’s boring, and I hate it.”
“Did we ever say that’s what we wanted?” Drystan asks, proving he’s awake too. I bet he’s been awake as long as me, just listening.
“Isn’t it, though?” Keary asks. “You’ve said you want kids.
You know gods struggle with breeding on a good day, so I’m not even sure how that’s going to happen.
Conception aside, does that not mean you want to go settle down and have a family and be like every other fucking monster on those damn bases? ”
“Even if you shoot blanks, there are other options,” Notto says. “ Drys will carry our young. I think that’s pretty clear since no one else here is able, so I’m not sure where you came up with this weird idea that it’s all on you. And again, no one said that we had to go back to base to have kids.”
“I don’t want to go back either,” Drystan says. “It's nice to visit, but my memories just feel far too fresh. They still recognize it as the place I'd been taken when rescued. It leaves an icky feeling in me. Besides, we never said kids right now. There’s no deadline.”
“You think we can raise kids out here?” Keary asks.
“Why not?” Notto asks. “And again, it doesn’t have to be now or tomorrow or even next year. It’s always been a ‘someday’ want, Keary. If we wanted one now, believe it or not, you don’t have to be involved in that process at all. We could have made it happen already.”
Keary huffs again.
There’s shuffling in the room, and the glowing lights from the cracks in Notto’s body come to life again. How does he turn them off? The light bathes bits of him in an eerie white glow, allowing me to track him until he’s in front of Keary and me.
“We don’t want to be anywhere you’re not,” Notto says.
I watch his hand move through the darkness and cup the back of Keary’s head.
I can barely see Keary’s features now. “I have no idea what made you think that we were going to demand to go play house, but I swear to you, it was never on our minds at all.”
“That’s what people do,” Keary says. “That’s what they expect.”
“I don’t give a fuck what people do or what they expect, and I’m shocked that you do.”
Drystan snorts. “No, he doesn’t.”
I see the barest hint of the way Keary’s lips curl.
“Can we go somewhere in the light and talk about this?” Notto asks.
“I don’t want to wake Rainer.”
“He’s been awake,” Notto says. “Aren’t you, pet?”
“Yes,” I admit. “Since you came back into the room.”
“Okay, fine. Let’s get out of here.”
“Is the storm gone?” Drystan asks, proving that he hasn’t been awake that long.
“Yes,” Keary says. “I’m sorry I broke my promise to keep you away from storms. I’ll never break it again. I shouldn’t have let myself get caught up in anything else, Drys. I’m so sorry.”
Drystan shakes his head. “It’s not your fault.”
“It really is, though. Between Rainer and you two irritating me and us moving around with a purpose, I wasn’t paying any attention to the weather and I should have been. In hindsight, I’ve felt it in the sun’s rays for a day now, but I…” He sighs. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m fine,” Drystan says.
“Come on,” Notto says.
Kaida climbs off my lap, and hands grab my arms to haul me to my feet. Drystan is pulled up in the same fashion. The door opens, bathing the room in a dim light. The storm has moved on, but the night is now closing in.
We head back into the main part of the library. The towel that Keary used to clean up our mess is still lying on the floor since we’d abandoned that spot in a hurry. My cheeks flush when I see it, and I look away.
Drystan stretches. His antlers and spikes and everything that made him look, well, monstrous, are gone. He looks like he always does, though sans horns entirely again.
Notto grips Keary’s neck, placing his hands on both sides, his thumbs on Keary’s face. “All we want is our mate,” he says. “Where, when, how… None of that needs to align with what everyone else is doing or what they’d want from us. The only thing that’s ever mattered is us.”
Keary closes his eyes. I don’t need to know him well to see that he’s still hesitant. Drystan’s hand finds mine. I smile as I grip his hand in return, though my attention doesn’t leave Keary and Notto.
“What else is making you reluctant?” Notto asks.
Keary’s gaze touches mine for a minute.
Notto huffs. “You think we don’t all feel the same thing you do?” He rolls his eyes. “You know that monster bonds feel their mates together. We all feel that Rainer is part of this family, Keary.”
“But you’re going to need to learn how to share,” Drystan says. “You don’t get to have him all to yourself.”
“I’m going to point out again that none of you own me,” I say.
“I think we need to revisit the explanation of monster families with you,” Keary says. “We spoke in general terms without detail and definitely not about how it would affect you.”
Notto drops his hands from Keary. Drystan pulls me closer to them so we’re huddled in a tight group.
“We talked about how humans live longer, and I explained the way we tend to mate as a cross between animal packs and human family groups,” Keary says.
“All true, but it wasn’t really detail-driven enough for you to understand personally.
We say mates as if it’s some magical connection between two or more people, but that’s not exactly right. ”
“Though to be completely honest, there are some monsters that form specific kinds of bonds just like that. We’re not of those species, though,” Drystan says.
“Like wolf shifters do in books?” I ask.
“Yes. Just like that. Assuming you’re talking about the kinds of shifters that you find in alpha/omega shifting books and other paranormal series where there are packs and pack structure,” Keary says.
I nod. “I am.”
“Okay good. Yes, just like that. The divine don’t mate like that. However, something that all monsters share is the ability to know when you’ve found your… I need a different word than mate so I don’t confuse the conversation,” Keary says.
“You can use that word,” I say. “I understand we’re not talking about alpha wolf bonds.”
He grins. “I love that you’ve clearly read a lot of books.
But anyway, try to bear with me, and I’ll clear up any answers if I’ve muddied it.
You know, I think we’re going to keep using the mating pack idea because it best describes this with an idea that you’re already familiar with, but I’m going to throw out another book concept to you—fated mates. You familiar?”
“The idea that two people are destined to be together by some ethereal reason, so their connection is deeper, right?”
“Yep, basically that. You truly are my soulmate, Rainer. I’ve spent lifetimes reading, and I fucking love that you’ve read enough to understand what I’m talking about.”
“Hey,” Drystan says. “I read all the time.”
“You read history and biographies.”
“I like what I like.”
I grin at Drystan’s pout.
“Yes, and that’s great. Good. Anyway… There is kind of a fated mates thing that all monsters feel.
You can feel it without even seeing them in person.
When you see something about them, a piece inside you says they’re mine.
That feeling is stronger when you’re in front of them.
Humans feel it too, though it’s not nearly as strong on their end as it is on the end of the monsters. ”
“I’ve been told that humans interpret it differently,” Notto says.
“An unexplained reason why they like someone when they don’t feel like they should.
Or liking them in spite of a quality that they’ve hated in the past.” He reaches for my and Drystan’s linked hands and pulls them up.
“Wanting to touch them when maybe you’ve avoided touch in the past. Kind of an opposite-reaction pull that you’ve not experienced before. ”
“I’m caught up in your monster mumbo jumbo,” I say, hooding my eyes. And yet, just as Notto has pointed out, I would be horrified any other time in my life. But I’m not. The way my heart beats rapidly in my chest, I’m excited.
Mama always told me not to trust a monster further than I could throw one. Somehow, I’ve trusted these monsters inexplicably for weeks.
“Yep,” Keary says, grinning. “You’re as much a victim of the monster mating as monsters are.”
“What if you don’t like your mates?” I ask.
“I’ve never seen something like that happen,” Keary answers. “There’s no such thing as rejected mates in this life as there is in books. Our monsters don’t randomly choose your enemy to be part of your family.”
“Some hypotheses state that when we die, our souls are broken up into pieces, and those pieces get redistributed into other souls. The familiarity that we feel when we meet our mates is those pieces of soul recognizing each other and coming together again. The pieces are meant to be together, to fit perfectly, like a puzzle, so there’s no way that you wouldn’t like one of them,” Drystan says.
That sounds incredibly romantic. To think of pieces of past love coming again time and time again.
Drystan presses his lips to my cheek. “Does that smile mean you’re not objecting to being ours?”
Am I?