Chapter Eleven
Ernie
Last night felt like a dream. Not only had I gone on a date with someone who had stolen all of my attention, but it was the kind of date I thought only happened in movies.
We ate food I loved, I opened up and communicated with him in a way I’d failed to in past relationships, and I got to hang out with a really cool dog.
Then there was the way he made me feel sexy and cared for in bed, instead of self-conscious about my scars and the way my hips couldn’t move quite right anymore.
And falling asleep in his arms…gods, to be able to recapture that feeling of complete contentment.
Nothing could top last night, not even the brunch we were going to this morning.
Only, when I woke up, I was cold, so very cold.
I rolled over, reaching for him, wanting to snuggle close and warm up, only to find the bed was empty.
At first, I didn’t think too much of it.
Zoe was here, and she would need to go outside to take care of business.
It would make sense that he was circling the block with her.
But five minutes became ten, became fifteen, and he wasn’t back yet.
I called his phone, but it went straight to voice mail, and I immediately regretted it. He’d left. He wasn’t walking the dog. He was gone. Calling again would only make a bad situation worse.
All my insecurities came rushing back. I’d been ghosted before after making dumb decisions, but nothing about this had felt dumb. If anything, it seemed too good to be true. Which, now that I thought about it, was the warning flag I should’ve been heeding.
I did what any reasonable person would do in my shoes. I grabbed Pup-Pup, climbed back into bed, and cried, falling back asleep amongst the tears.
When I woke up a couple of hours later, I was determined to not let this get to me. Sure, I’d read the man completely wrong, but that didn’t take away from the wonderful night we’d had. It simply meant he didn’t want more. It wasn’t what I wanted, but that was how these things went.
With brunch off the table, I decided to throw a pot of coffee on. I brought Pup-Pup with me and set him on the counter. Next to him was a note from Jovan.
Way to jump to conclusions, Ernie.
I felt like such a jerk. I went straight to the worst-possible scenario, assuming he left me, and letting all my past baggage pile onto my present. Instead, I was greeted with a little stick-figure drawing of Jovan, Zoe, and me and a handwritten letter:
I’m so sorry we have to leave so early. There’s an emergency at work that only I can handle.
That’s why I’m taking Zoe home now. I thought about waking you up, but you looked so peaceful, and it’s far too early to be texting and having that wake you up.
I’ll call you soon, and I’ll make it up to you. Two brunches. No, make it ten.
He signed it, Jovan and Zoe, with Zoe’s name made out of tiny paw prints.
Why did he have to be so stinkin’ sweet? I 100 percent didn’t deserve it in this case.
If it was anyone else, I’d wonder why he hadn’t texted me yet.
But medical emergencies didn’t allow for a lot of free time.
He wasn’t in a cubicle where he could sneak out his phone or in an IT crisis where he could shoot me a text while something was rebooting.
He was with patients who needed a doctor more than I needed Jovan.
Was this what it would be like having a doctor for a daddy?
He’d be there one second and then flying off the next?
Probably. Could I handle that? As his boyfriend, I could be understanding.
I could be fine with interrupted dinners and missed sleep, but when it was little time…
It was hard enough for me being little without a strong daddy.
It had been a minute since I fully fell into little space.
Knowing he could be leaving at any moment might prevent me from falling away completely.
He had to leave his phone locked up in Chained, just like everyone else did.
It was safe to say we’d be uninterrupted there, but was public play enough?
I wouldn’t ask him to lock his phone away at home. How could I ever try to put myself ahead of someone who needed life-saving treatment? But also, was I fine with playing but never being fully little?
“Ugh, Pup-Pup, why do I overthink everything? He’s not my boyfriend yet, or my daddy. Or maybe he’s both? I don’t even know.”
I opted not to make the coffee, instead grabbing my phone and asking Ridge and Hal what they were up to.
Hal had been called in to work. That place was getting pretty toxic lately. There were rumors of a takeover. He’d had a good long run at a pretty great job, but the stress was starting to get to him.
Ridge, on the other hand, had a few hours free. When I asked him if he wanted a playdate, he told me he’d be there in half an hour.
That gave me enough time to clean up, throw out some little toys for us to play with, and get a cartoon rolling.
I wouldn’t completely hit little space, but that wasn’t the goal.
I wanted something to distract me because, left on my own, my brain was going to be working overtime, creating buckets of problems that didn’t exist for me to solve.
That was the last thing I needed, and it wasn’t fair to Jovan.