Chapter Twelve
Jovan
Leaving my date after making love to him for the first time almost killed me.
When the text came in, I struggled with whether to wake him, but he looked so relaxed and happy that I couldn’t do it.
Instead, I left a note, threw on my clothes, and dropped Zoe at home on the way to the hospital.
She didn’t seem grateful that I took the time, rather grumpy about having to get off the couch and come with me.
If we’d discussed it in advance, I might have been able to leave her there, but we hadn’t. And she was my responsibility. Still, listening to her huff at me from the back seat was not much fun.
By the time I got a moment free, it was late enough to text Ernie, apologize, and ask him to go to dinner the next night. Our second date.
It was great. Every moment I spent with him was that and more, but although we usually ended up in bed together, and it was never one bit less spectacular, we didn’t seem to be moving forward.
Wondering if I was being paranoid, I decided it was time to give things a nudge, so as we were enjoying pasta at a hole-in-the-wall we’d discovered together, I made a suggestion. “Ernie, you know what I’d like to do?”
He gave me an impish grin. “Order dessert?” Something I had done rarely before we started dating but now, with someone share it with? Almost every time we ate out. Okay, every time.
“Yes, that. Did you see the tiramisu in the refrigerated case behind the cash register?”
“I did. Okay, I’m in. You have the best ideas.” He twirled some spaghetti on his fork and held it up. “Nice work, right? I’m getting the hang of this.”
“Very professional. But besides dessert, I was thinking maybe we should go to Chained this weekend and play.”
He ate the bite of spaghetti, chewing so slowly, I began to worry. “Ernie? Don’t you want to go?”
“I’m not a member, remember? But sometime, sure. When I can afford to join.”
Okay. He had to know how it worked. “I have a stack of free passes a mile high.” In a sense. They were on my account, not actually piled up anywhere. “So, how is Saturday? I think I saw there is a special event that afternoon.”
Setting his fork down, Ernie pulled his glass of sparkling water closer and took a sip through the straw. Another delaying tactic?
“If you don’t want to go, we don’t have to. But I thought we had a really nice time together on the night of the stuffie hospital, and you were the most adorable little I’ve ever seen in the club.”
“Thank you.” He turned the glass around and around, watching it as if it was completely fascinating. “But maybe some other time.”
I wanted to let it go, continue to enjoy our dinners and say “let’s talk about it later,” another day, but as a daddy, when I saw such an obvious roadblock to something that had been good for both of us, I couldn’t allow it to pass.
“Ernie, it’s never an issue, where we go together.
It should be what we both want to do, or maybe sometimes what one of us wants and the other agrees to do to be nice.
” I was riding a line there, and I shouldn’t do that.
He might think I meant he should do what he didn’t want to just to please me.
Not that kind of daddy. “What I mean is, like a movie. One of us wants to see one and one wants to see another. We take turns. Make sense?”
He nodded, still watching his drink go around and around, droplets of condensation landing on the table.
“But when it comes to something as basic for both of us as revisiting a place we both like, if one of us doesn’t anymore, it’s a subject we need to talk about. So, you don’t want to go to Chained on Saturday?”
He shook his head no.
“I wish you’d trust me enough, then, to tell me why. Or I won’t be able to understand.” I reached out and stilled his hands that were turning the glass. “Ernie, please look at me.”
Lifting his gaze, he met mine for just a moment before dropping his again. “I can’t.”
“Why not? Did I do something to hurt your feelings or upset you? I wouldn’t ever want to do that.”
The eyes that met mine this time were awash with tears, and I stood up and brought my chair around to sit next to him. “You didn’t do anything bad,” he said. “It’s not you, it’s me.”
“That doesn’t sound good. Are you breaking up with me?”
He swiped at the tears and shook his head. “No. I mean, we aren’t going steady or anything official, are we?”
Going steady? I hadn’t thought of that in terms of myself since early high school, but I wasn’t going to call him out on linguistics. “I am not seeing anyone else. I guess I thought of us as exclusive. Are you dating other people? Going to the club with them and scening?”
“You know I’m not. Other people aren’t the problem.”
“You already said it’s you, but I for the life of me don’t know how you could be a problem.
But if you have a concern, won’t you please share it with me?
I’m starting to worry that I really did do something and you’re trying to figure out how to end things.
Really, if that’s the case, you don’t even have to explain.
I wish you would.” The past weeks had been the happiest of my life, even though we did seem to be stuck.
But I couldn’t have just left it there…floating.
“I don’t want to break up with you.” He buried his face in my shirt, voice muffled but understandable. “But I’m worried.”
“Okay.” I looked around, but the restaurant was nearly empty.
We were at the back, and only the tables by the front windows were occupied.
As much privacy as a public place could offer, and I was afraid if I suggested we go somewhere else, the courage he’d summoned might dissipate.
“You’re very brave to share your worries with me.
If I can, I’d like to help with them, or at the very least, give you my full support. ”
He sniffled a little. “That’s what’s so hard. You’re so strong and perfect and so many people depend on you. Which is fine when I’m big…”
“But when you’re little, you need someone to depend on, and they can’t be off taking care of someone else?”
He pulled free and sat up. “That sounds so selfish, and I do not want to keep you from saving lives. From being the hero who saved mine. But that first morning after when I woke up and you were gone, I thought…what if I was little, and you had to go? How would I cope?”
No wonder my few relationships fell apart so quickly. Had those men recognized that I might have to leave at a moment’s notice—when they needed me?
“I understand. And you’re right. It’s not responsible of me to do that, to accept your gift of being little and then turn and walk out the door. It’s not fair, and you deserve better.”
The server started toward us then turned and went the other way. No doubt sensing an interruption would not be welcomed.
“I’m not saying that you have to change at all.” Ernie laid his hand on my arm. “I just have to figure out how it might work. All I am asking for is time to think about that. Is that okay?”
“Of course. And know that if you decide I am not the daddy for you, I will understand and respect your choice.” And cry…
a lot. Grieve the loss of the best man I’d ever met.
But telling him that would be the utmost manipulation.
“So, why don’t we go slow, brainstorm if you like on what we might do, and for now, finish dinner and get our dessert? ”
“Does it make me soulless if I still want it?”
I gave him a smacking kiss on the cheek. “It makes you adorable.”