12. Chapter 12
Chapter twelve
Alex
Fuck Dr. Sonja, fuck PGC, and fuck this Eros bullshit.
Alex sat in his shoebox office, processing the events of the past couple of weeks. He knew he was missing an appointment at PGC with Hoko, but he was still feeling angry and defiant after his last session with Dr. Sonja. A gentle knocking on the door disrupted Alex’s stewing. He ignored it. Go away, leave me alone. The person at the door persisted with three louder knocks. Go the fuck away! But the knocking continued.
“The door is open,” Alex reluctantly said, realizing his visitor wouldn’t desist.
“Good afternoon, Alex,” said Hoko as he entered the office.
“Good afternoon, Hoko. Did we have a meeting today? I forgot. I must admit I left PGC yesterday rather distracted after my session with Dr. Sonja.” Alex didn’t care that he lied––he didn’t owe Hoko or PGC anything. The quicker he left, the better.
“I apologize for the intrusion, but I was hoping to meet you on your turf to help you become more comfortable and begin learning more about your life. I can only imagine how intimidating and overwhelming the situation is for you.”
“Truer words have probably never been spoken,” said Alex.
“I hope you’ll find our relationship will differ from the other board members. My job is to help you develop your skills and abilities to your maximum potential. We can achieve this by strengthening your connection with nature and accessing the energetic fields flowing through the universe.”
“That’s a radically different approach from Dr. Bruno and Dr. Sonja.”
“My colleagues are well-intentioned, but they come on a little strong. After years of working with them, I’ve grown to respect what they bring to the board. However, it can be like bitter tea: you either develop a taste for it, or learn how to sweeten it to your liking.”
“I’m not sure my relationship with Dr. Sonja can be repaired. I believe she deceived me and seems to think I’m a psychopath.”
“So, her deductions bother you?” asked Hoko.
Alex said that in some ways, they stung him deeply. He’d put himself first in the past because no one would look out for him. The board acted like Ditta was some ever-present influence in his life, but Alex admitted that he never truly knew her at all. She may have paid for his education and essentials, but did he know the real Ditta? He said he’d only spent time with her on his birthdays. Now, he knew she was dosing him with ambrosia without consent, so she’d had an ulterior motive. When you do the math, he said, four hours a birthday over seventeen years, he’d only spent sixty-eight hours face-to-face with her––less than three days total, Alex admitted. Did he know her? How could she have dropped this bullshit into his lap without talking about it? He added you don’t do that to someone you allegedly care about.
Hoko looked around the room before responding, “I see from the books on your shelves that you’re a fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.”
“Good deduction; he’s my favorite author.”
“Do you remember what the BBC version of Sherlock Holmes said about being a psychopath?”
Alex chuckled as he responded, “I’m not a psychopath; I’m a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research!” Alex liked Hoko’s sense of humor, so he gave him a few more minutes.
Hoko acknowledged Alex’s feelings were valid. The changes in Alex’s life were disconcerting and represented a seismic shift to his worldview. Hoko recognized that he didn’t ask for, or want, any of this. Hoko said he wouldn’t waste Alex’s time, and added he could say Ditta was deeply conflicted regarding how she had kept Alex at a distance over the years. For all her strengths, she’d become jaded due to the losses she’d experienced. Initially, Hoko indicated, she was incredibly involved in the lives of the offspring that were the results of Dr. Bruno’s project, raising them as her children. But, Hoko said, when they didn’t survive, she’d go into a deep depression with each loss.
“She cared deeply, but was afraid to suffer another loss by getting too close to you. But I know she was immensely proud of you and your accomplishments.”
Hearing Hoko’s account of events hurt Alex’s heart. He understood why Ditta kept her distance, but it also scared him because she’d warned the world would suffer if she became depressed or lost control of her emotions.
Hoko replied that Ditta’s emotions took time to manage, and eventually patterns emerged which benefited humanity. He explained having a problematic day wouldn’t have an immediate impact, so it’s OK to feel one’s emotions without fear of causing lasting damage to humanity.
Alex felt relieved and thanked Hoko for putting his mind at rest. Hoko was the first person in this ordeal who’d taken the time to validate Alex’s experiences and honestly talk to him about Ditta, which gave him a better perspective on her life and struggles. Hoko added he was glad his words helped Alex, and he was willing to talk to him about her struggles as much as Alex would like. Hoko asked if Alex was bothered by other things Dr. Sonja may have said about him.
Alex admitted he had a hot temper with a short fuse. His first response in many situations was anger, with anxiety being a close second. He was working on better handling his emotions, but rubbing his nose in it was cruel. Who wanted to be defined by the worst possible moments in their life?
“Alex, you’ve done well for yourself in your career. From what I gathered on my walk across the campus, and interacting with students along the way, Dr. Lieth has a reputation for being challenging. Still, his students enjoy his lectures and lively approach to literature. In short, they respect you.”
Alex thanked Hoko for his kind words. Hoko had earned a few more minutes.
“Are you familiar with the work of Matshona Dhliwayo? He’s a Canadian philosopher, entrepreneur, and author.”
“No, I’m not familiar with his work,” said Alex.
“His words help me keep life in perspective, and I think they can help you.
When they judge you, yawn.
When they misunderstand you, smile.
When they underestimate you, laugh.
When they condemn you, ignore.
When they envy you, rejoice.
When they oppose you, prevail.”
Alex paused for a moment before responding, “That’s genuinely inspirational. People can only define me if I let them.”
“An eloquent summation. So how does the lesson apply at this stressful juncture in your life?”
“I see what you did there,” Alex said with a smile. “Maybe I should slow down my anger and not be so quick to judge others. I know who I am; I’ll define myself!”
“I think you could also give yourself some compassion by forgiving your past mistakes. From where I sit, you’re your biggest critic, not Dr. Sonja. You have an inner saboteur in your head that appears to be working overtime, which stokes the fire of your anxiety.”
Alex thanked Hoko for sharing his wisdom and being so easy to talk to. It was not lost on him that Hoko and Galen were the only people who had consistently treated him with respect and compassion since his world turned upside down. Most of the board viewed him as a problem needing to be contained, or else a ticking time bomb.
Hoko laughed, saying Alex’s words reminded him of a line from a movie he watched recently: “‘It’s none of my business what you think about me.’”
Alex laughed, saying those sounded like words to live by. He joked maybe Hoko should be the board psychotherapist.
Hoko said he must graciously decline the offer as he preferred to deal with the spirit, rather than the depths of the mind. He added he hoped they could develop a relationship that genuinely helped Alex, one in which Alex would lead the way. “Alex Lieth is the expert on your mind, body, and soul. I am merely your guide.”
Hoko further explained he had a theory Alex would be able to surpass Ditta’s abilities to connect with others and to read electromagnetic fields. In her physical form, Hoko said her abilities were diminished to some degree. He said it was like an incompatibility between software and hardware, where information got lost in translation. Hoko hypothesized Alex wouldn’t have this problem because he started with a physical body, so would have a greater affinity to electromagnetic energy––one which opened up so many possibilities, since our brains work on electrical signals. Hoko said through quantum entanglement, Alex might be able to access individual human memories remotely and access the electromagnetic fields generated by the Earth, which had implications from climate change to being able to channel healing energy.
Alex smiled. It was refreshing to see someone excited about what he may be able to do. He admitted to Hoko to doing casual research, and had questions about Ditta’s abilities. Hoko asked Alex what he had uncovered, while cautioning he couldn’t trust everything he heard or read, owing to centuries-old misinformation on gods.
Alex smiled and shook his head. “No need to worry about ancient Fox News talking heads, got it. Let’s go down the list,” he said. “Immortality?”
Hoko confirmed Ditta was functionally immortal. Reportedly, several weapons from antiquity could harm her, but ultimately, she couldn’t transition until Alex became the Eros force. Hoko noted he was excited about Alex’s interest in exploring his abilities, but cautioned they would need to take it slow. Hoko offered Alex a deal––exploring one potential ability every session––which he readily accepted. Hoko said he’d like to explore the abilities Alex had already experienced: telepathy, telekinesis, and amokinesis.
“What’s amokinesis?” Alex asked.
“Well, in simple terms, it’s the ability to feel, manipulate, induce, or remove love from a human being.”
On hearing this, Alex knew he’d experienced it at the tavern the last night he met with Ditta. Hoko said Alex that Alex could touch a person’s life force or feel and see their “spark,” as Ditta called it. From what Hoko had gathered, Alex showed a natural affinity for amokinesis. However, Hoko cautioned that there was one limit to the ability––Alex couldn’t reduce the impact of true love.
“With true love, if you try to remove or reduce it, the love will revert eventually to its original form,” Hoko said.
Alex stated Ditta had mentioned he displayed the ability to convert Danyal’s spark to Eros. Hoko agreed and confirmed Ditta didn’t have that ability, and was very impressed with Alex. He smiled and asked if Alex was up for doing some field research.
“I’m hesitant to even experiment with these abilities. What do you have in mind before I agree to anything?” said Alex, feeling his heart beat faster and his anxiety spiking.
“Let’s stroll in nature around the campus since it’s such a warm, sunny day for late February. We can get some vitamin D and test your amokinesis skills,” said Hoko.
“I must admit, all this talk about supernatural abilities scares me shitless. What if I do something wrong and hurt someone? I only wielded these abilities when Ditta guided me through them. The only other times I tried to wield my influence was out of anger. In both situations, I was close to losing control.”
“I honor and respect your concerns, Alex. I’d be more worried if you didn’t have fears about developing your abilities. Overconfidence leads to mistakes and bad decisions that can have grave implications. Trust in our relationship is vital. I promise we will go slow and I won’t push you to do anything you don’t want. I’ll let you decide how far we go today.”
“Since you’ve taken the time to listen and respect my perspective, I’ll try it, so long as you assure me we won’t force people to act against their will.”
“You have my word––we will merely observe from a distance,” said Hoko.
Alex nodded in agreement. Please don’t let this be a mistake.
Hoko and Alex strolled past the brick teaching buildings and the student union before settling on a bench in the central tree-lined courtyard of Starling University.
Alex was encouraged to focus on breathing. Hoko explained to Alex how to breathe and connect with nature, since Alex’s abilities came from nature and the universe. He said Alex was one with everything, and connected to the cosmic source. Hoko said he wanted to teach Alex the skill of box breathing.
“Why is it called box breathing?” asked Alex.
“Well, it’s made up of equal parts of inhaling, retaining your breath, exhaling, and finally holding your breath before starting the process again. We all live such fast-paced and driven lives these days that we often forget to breathe, even though it’s an essential part of our existence. You can’t survive if you don’t breathe,” said Hoko. “While inhaling, we are bringing the elements of the universe into our bodies. This supplies the oxygen needed to survive. Breathing not only helps bring in healing energy, but exhaling also helps purge impurities, expel negative energy, and helps your body find homeostasis. Let’s give it a try.”
Hoko encouraged Alex to take a deep breath for four seconds, and hold it for a count of four.
“Now exhale for four seconds…one…two…three…four, and then hold for four seconds…one…two…three…four. And that’s box breathing. Navy SEALs use it to help them focus on training, lower their blood pressure, and to reduce both anxiety and insomnia. Eventually, we’ll build up longer intervals between breaths. Does this feel OK, Alex? Do you have any questions before we proceed?”
Alex shook his head no. He felt slightly more relaxed after the brief exercise.
“Excellent,” replied Hoko, who then instructed Alex to go through this cycle for three minutes. Hoko sat patiently and watched Alex breathe slowly, his chest rising and falling in rhythm.
“How do you feel?”
“Much more relaxed. I feel lighter, somehow.”
“That’s not odd at all,” explained Hoko. “When stressed, our brains dump cortisol, the primary stress hormone, into our bloodstream. The only ways to remove it are relaxation and exercise.” He said if Alex can learn to relax through breath work, he would reap the benefits, since it was physiologically impossible to be stressed and relaxed simultaneously. Alex laughed and asked Hoko where he was when he was studying for grad school tests.
Hoko explained the next step was to work on connecting with nature. He instructed Alex to keep his eyes closed and to focus on his box breathing. Hoko asked Alex to reach out with his mind and feel the energy around him in the air, grass, and trees. All of the elements and living organisms have an energy field, he said. Human eyes can’t see the energy, but Alex could, said Hoko. He instructed Alex to feel the energy and let it flow around him, and then to let it flow through him. Hoko added that Alex could control the energy and bend it to his will.
“What does energy look like, and how does it feel?” asked Hoko.
Alex replied it looked like he was standing in a Van Gogh painting, with vivid colors swirling around him. He continued on, saying it felt like he was standing on a beach with a warm breeze on his face as it flowed through his body––every cell tingled and craved more. His body felt like a conduit for an endless flow of lightning.
Hoko directed Alex to control the energy without opening his eyes, telling him how many trees surrounded the courtyard. Alex kept slowly breathing. Ten, five on each side, he answered. Correct, said Hoko.
“What’s happening to your right?” asked Hoko.
“There’s a man playing fetch with his dog, a German Shepherd,” replied Alex.
“And immediately behind you?” asked Hoko.
Alex described four women sitting at a table discussing sophomore chemistry, and how attracted they all were to the sexy teaching assistant. Their fantasies about him were so vivid, they almost made him blush. Hoko laughed and told Alex to be careful when reaching out to other minds, because one never knows what private or intimate thoughts would be revealed.
Hoko challenged Alex to focus on the couple across the courtyard, sitting on the steps to the dorms. “What are they feeling?” he asked.
Alex laughed; it was the two guys from the tavern he had nudged to share a kiss. They deeply yearned for each other and didn’t want to care about who knew about their relationship. Alex admitted Ditta knew they were ready to take the next step. They only needed a push.
“Maybe it’s true love,” Alex said, smiling.
Hoko asked Alex about the woman walking on the sidewalk holding a briefcase.
“That’s Professor Dobry. She’s in a foul mood, which isn’t unusual,” replied Alex. “Actually, it’s more than a bad mood; she’s going through a divorce. The relationship is ending because her husband slept with one of her students. Ouch.”
Alex stopped momentarily and noticed some weird energy centered under the third tree to the left. There’s a void in the energy field, he said. Hoko nodded and explained that one of Alex’s plainclothes security guards, Templeton, was sitting watching them. Alex marveled at the strength of the Eros vaccination––it must be powerful to disrupt the cosmic energy flow.
Hoko told Alex there was one last test to help gauge his current range.
“There’s a coffee shop three blocks away on Esplanade Street. What energy can you feel in the café?”
Alex replied there was no way he could do that. Hoko asked if Alex was letting his inner saboteur tell him what he could and couldn’t do.
“You’re more likely to succeed if you think you can do something. Are you willing to try?”
Alex nodded. He would try and sit quietly, focusing on his breathing and the energy flow around him. Alex began to chuckle before observing Michelle, the barista, had a crush on his favorite rugby-playing security guard, Galen Tucker. Alex couldn’t feel Galen, but he could guess he’d entered the café by the increase in her spark. In fact, the level of Eros energy in the room increased dramatically, so it seemed more than a few people were crushing on Galen.
“Oh, and one more thing––our coffee is ready.”
“Did you read Michelle’s thoughts?” asked Hoko.
Alex said he did more than read her thoughts; he could see briefly through her eyes. She even drew little hearts on the takeout cups. He paused. “Before we stop, Hoko, can you help me reach out to my friend Shae? I miss him and want to know he’s OK.”
“We can try, Alex, but I’m concerned you’re pushing your limits. From what Dr. Bruno tells me, you get severe headaches related to your abilities.”
“I’m willing to risk it,” said Alex.
“Remote viewing, or remote contacting, works through quantum entanglement,” explained Hoko.
“Is this Einstein’s ‘spooky action at a distance?” asked Alex.
“Yes,” said Hoko, “two points in space and time that are different but connected. And we’re going to use this connection to our advantage.”
Hoko instructed Alex to go back to his breathing for a couple of moments, and when he was ready, to picture Shae in his mind and to reach out to him. Alex tried but replied he was not getting anything. Hoko cautioned Alex he was pressing too hard and to let the energy come naturally. Hoko suggested Alex think of his best memory of Shae, and hold that image in his mind.
Alex focused on his breathing before responding, “I see him walking down a row of brownstone houses carrying, I guess, groceries. He’s turning to walk up the snow-covered steps.”
“Excellent,” said Hoko. “Look for clues that will give you hints about his location, such as a sign or address.”
“The address by the door says 2756 Penderson Street. That’s an upscale part of town. But I know that building. The only person I know who lives there is…”
“Who lives there, Alex?” said Hoko.
“Wynn lives there.”
Shae and Wynn? When the hell did that happen? I must have got the address wrong.
“OK, Alex, open your eyes. How did that feel?” said Hoko.
“Exhilarated…my body feels like I’ve been skydiving. I’ve never experienced such a rush.”
Hoko smiled and said it was more like directing and surfing on the natural energetic field. “But how do you feel emotionally?”
Alex noted the dial on his stress had turned down several notches. Hoko said that was music to his ears and that he could access this energy whenever needed; however, he must center himself first through his breathing. Hoko said he was amazed that Alex briefly viewed the world remotely. He added remote viewing was a highly advanced skill and was astonished by Alex’s development in their brief session. Hoko said Alex was a natural at reading cosmic energy, and that his results hint at emerging telepathic abilities.
“I only used my abilities with your support. But you were right; I do feel a migraine starting,” said Alex.
Hoko cautioned Alex to take it easy, adding that he suspected Alex’s abilities would develop as his mind and body became more accustomed to the cosmic energy flowing through every fiber of his being. Hoko said he suspected Alex’s mind might be suppressing his true abilities as a coping mechanism, similar to a state of shock after an accident, given that he’d undergone so much trauma recently. He added they would continue to work on ways to soothe Alex’s mind and body. Hoko said Alex’s homework was to do his box breathing daily for at least thirty minutes, and that he would email Alex some other relaxation activities, too.
“Thank you, Hoko. I feel a little hopeful for the first time since this ordeal began. I’ll work on forgiving myself. Maybe even forgiving others…and that’s a gigantic maybe,” Alex said with a crooked grin.
“We will take this day by day, Alex. A journey down the universal path begins with one step. Today, we took the first step; tomorrow, we will take another step. Hopefully, in time, we can have you running at full sprint. Before I leave, I need your input to help me guide you in your growth. I mentioned several spiritual practices the other day when we first met at the board meeting; I’d like you to select one that resonates with you.”
“No need to even think about it. I want to go dancing.”
“What draws you to dance?”
“When I’m on the dance floor, I give into the music and energy, and the feeling is primal or, better yet, transcendent.” Alex smiled. “Plus, I promised Galen I’d take him to see a dance club here in the States. Seeing him cut loose and have a little fun would be interesting. He’s too uptight, in my opinion.”
“You’re developing a strong bond with Galen. I’m glad you’re establishing a friendship with him. I wonder if your connection to Galen helped you remotely view today, rather than connecting with the mind of a random stranger. We can test that hypothesis in another session.”
“Before we finish, Hoko, I owe you an apology,” said Alex.
“For what, Alex?”
“I’m working on improving and changing my immature behavior. I lied to you earlier when I said I forgot about our meeting. I intentionally ditched it, and I’m sorry. It wasn’t fair to you.”
“No need to be sorry; I won’t judge you for your decision when you are doing your best to survive an overwhelming situation. It worked out for me to come to you, and helped me understand your world better. So, rather than being upset, I want to thank you for allowing this to happen today. If there’s ever a time you’re not feeling it, please tell me, and we can take a step back. Got it?”
“Yes. I need to get back to grading papers, but I’m already looking forward to our next session.”