Chapter 3
3
As I walked up the front path of my childhood home, a path I’d walked up a million times before, the door flung open. Mum had clearly been waiting for me to arrive. ‘Oh Madison, it is so lovely to see you.’ She hugged me tightly, then pulled away and looked me up and down.
‘Your hair looks so pretty like that, darling; you should wear it like that more often. It really suits you.’ She stood back and studied my face closely.
‘Your eyes are red. And what are you doing here in the middle of the day? Are you ill, darling?’
Mum being so lovely overwhelmed me. I had been determined to hold it together but I couldn’t help bursting into tears. ‘Oh, Mum. I’ve… I’ve been made redundant.’
‘Oh, darling, what a shock for you. But don’t worry. We’ve always been able to get through anything life throws at us, haven’t we? And this won’t be any different. Come here.’ She wrapped me in her arms and I suddenly felt safe, realising that the one person I’d been pushing away for so long was the person I really needed to be close to right now, because she made me feel protected. I thought back to my childhood, a really happy time, with just Mum and me against the world. We were such a close-knit little family and I loved her more than I imagined any other child loved their mum because mine was really special. I’d never had a father in my life, so she was my mum and dad rolled into one and she spent her whole life doing everything she could to make me happy, even if it meant working lots of jobs all at the same time, to bring the money in to keep a roof over our heads.
When had I stopped feeling that way about her? When had I started to feel like she was a nuisance in my life? I’d grown into someone who was so work-orientated, I’d forgotten about the person who had brought me into this world and loved me unconditionally, who had put her life on hold to concentrate on me . God, I thought, I must be an awful person. Why did it take something like this to make me realise?
‘Let’s go and have a cuppa and you can tell me all about what happened.’ Normally, when Mum said that to me, I got irritated and told her I didn’t have time, but time was probably the only thing that I did have now and I wanted her to help me. I wanted her to make everything feel better like only my mum could.
As we walked towards the kitchen, she opened the cupboard under the stairs and hung my coat on the pegs behind the door and I sighed as I breathed in the familiar smell of the home I’d grown up in. The home that Mum had poured her heart and soul into and lovingly made for us. The walls seemed to be ingrained with the mixture of aromas of baking bread, coffee and lilies; all the things an estate agent tells you that you should have around when you are trying to sell your house.
Home was a 1920s honey-coloured stone cottage in the village of Giddywell, Staffordshire, where the small population of just over one thousand people all knew each other’s business. The village consisted of one pub, The Dog and Duck, a small supermarket which somehow managed to stock everything you ever needed, St Saviour’s Church, a Chinese take-away, and a specialist bike shop, which was quite handy when you lived near the colossal forest of Cannock Chase, which was stunningly beautiful and full of dog-walkers and bikers. Our cottage overlooked the village green and a pretty little duck pond and probably had one of the best spots in the village.
After I’d left school, I didn’t appreciate it at all and couldn’t wait to get away, but right now it felt like it was just where I needed to be.
I told her about my awful morning and she held me in her arms while I cried again. ‘Come on, my darling, you have a good old cry now. Better out than in.’ This was a phrase I’d heard many times over the years.
‘Do you know, Madison, sometimes things happen in our lives that are a blessing to us eventually, but we don’t realise it at the time. Perhaps this has happened because you need a change. This could be an opportunity for you to do something different. Change sometimes is good, even if it comes about because it has to, rather than because it’s your choice.’
Maybe Mum was right, but I just couldn’t get my head around it. I had worked my whole adult life, never having any time off. Except the sickness absence I’d needed to get over what had happened with Jamie.
Now was not the time to be thinking of that, though. I had enough to worry about.
‘Perhaps it’s time to rethink your life and consider other options. Maybe there’s something you’ve always had a burning desire to do. Set up on your own; you are clearly good at what you do or they wouldn’t have kept you for twelve years.’
‘But now I’m wondering if I ever was that good, Mum. If I was, why would they get rid of me?’
‘Sometimes, companies have to make sacrifices, darling. I know it’s hard and I know it’s all you’ve ever known, but it could be a godsend too. Maybe time will tell.’
I just couldn’t see that right now though. All I felt was hurt and sad and disappointed and my pride had been severely dented. I felt like a fool.
Mum served us both up a dish of homemade chicken and vegetable soup and crusty bread and butter. It surprised me how hungry I was, although I hadn’t grabbed any breakfast that morning, and I devoured the whole dishful.
After lunch she took me through to the lounge and made me lie on the settee while she tucked me up under the cashmere throw that I’d bought for her last Christmas. I felt like a little girl again being looked after by her mum and it felt good. Really good. We watched a couple of programmes on TV about antiques and their value and a programme about people who wanted to relocate abroad that didn’t take any concentration but just got my mind off stuff for the moment.
‘Oh, darling, I completely forgot to tell you the reason why I wanted to speak to you earlier. Lynne and John next door have just become grandparents for the first time. Isn’t that wonderful? Curtis and Holly had a little girl yesterday morning. Isn’t that lovely? Lynne popped round to tell me last night. They are all obviously over the moon and the whole reason for me calling you in the first place was to see if you could think of something that I could buy them? A little keepsake of some kind.’
This news stung a little, I must admit, but I tried not to show it.
‘Oh, that’s nice news, I’ll have a think.’
Mum was so excited for them and it made me feel even sadder and even more of a failure for not being able to give her the same joy in her life.
Raindrops appeared on the window, and Mum said she needed to get the washing off the line and I watched her through the French doors. They were her pride and joy; she’d saved up for years for them and they’d changed the lounge dramatically. This home was so cosy and welcoming. I looked around the room and inhaled the familiarity. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d done this. In fact, I couldn’t remember the last time I had come home, properly home, without just popping by. Working all hours meant that I’d prioritised work and not my family, which I regretted somewhat now that they had got rid of me. I should have made more time for Mum. I really should. Why didn’t I see it then? Too busy thinking of myself, I guessed, and putting work first. Always rushing, always having to get back to do something for work. And look how that had turned out.
‘Stay here for the rest of the day, darling, and let me look after you. I know you probably won’t want to but you could stay the night, you know. Your room hasn’t changed a bit. All your things are still here. There’s even some of your teenage pyjamas. I’m sure they’ll still fit you.’
‘You don’t have to look after me, Mum. I’m a grown woman.’
She grinned wearily. ‘Oh, I know I don’t have to, darling, but you will always be my little girl no matter what your age. And anyway, I want to look after you. I’m your mum. It’s my job. You could even go and see Beth tomorrow. I bet you haven’t seen her for ages.’
This time last week, this scenario would have been my worst nightmare, but right now it was the best feeling in the world. I should have done this before. Why did I have to wait for a crisis to happen in my life for me to appreciate my mum?
We watched mindless TV for the rest of the evening and at around 9p.m., I went up to my room and wrapped myself up in the duvet. Mum came up with me and waited as I used the bathroom, then she tucked me in just like old times and kissed the top of my head.
‘Goodnight, my darling, and try not to worry. We can get through anything, you and I.’
‘Night, Mum.’
As I looked around my childhood bedroom, which Mum had never redecorated because she said she loved the memories it gave her, my last thoughts were about how excited I had been travelling into work this morning, yet what an unexpected turn of events had changed my life.
Right now I felt like a complete and utter failure. For the first time in years, I had no idea what tomorrow would bring and that was a hugely scary prospect.