Escape to the Country

Chapter 4

4

When I woke the following morning, I was a bit disorientated. Looking around the room, I saw pictures of Take That Blu-Tacked to the wall, and I realised exactly where I was, and why. I looked at the bedside clock and saw it was 7a.m. I’d been asleep for nearly ten hours. I really couldn’t remember the last time I’d slept for that long.

I smiled as I looked at the boys back in the day, dressed in leather and covered in jelly and ice cream, and remembered how devastated I’d been when Robbie left the group and when they split up. I was so distressed at the time, and I smiled now remembering that Beth had sent me a ‘with sympathy’ card, which she’d found hilarious. I thought about how they must have felt, and how hard it must have been for them at that point in their lives. After years of being together, they had to get used to a life of not being in a band and had to start all over again, a situation I felt I could completely relate to. Although I was sure they had a little more cash in the bank than I did.

But then look at what they’d achieved since then. The fab five were now the awesome three, and extremely successful in a different way. So, it just went to show that you could make a comeback and be a huge success again. If they could do it, perhaps anyone could. Did I have the strength though? I guessed I’d have to discover that.

I picked up my phone from the bedside table, the first thing I did every day – a habit I really needed to break – and noticed a text message from Beth sent the evening before when I was well and truly in the land of nod.

Hey stranger! Spoke to your mum and she told me that you were having a tough time right now. If you fancy a coffee tomorrow with an old friend, pop on over. I’d love to see youxx

It was so lovely to hear from her. I took a deep breath. Right now I had two choices. I could wallow in bed all day and feel sorry for myself, or I could get my arse out of bed, dust myself down, get dressed and go and see Beth. It had been a while since I’d seen her last. She was a lovely girl, and we’d been such good friends over the years, even though I’d neglected her over the last few, so I knew which option I needed to take to move forward.

* * *

Bethany Jane Millington and I met three hours after I was born when Mum and I were taken back to the sunny maternity ward of Stafford Hospital where two roomies bonded over their beautiful newborns, sharing some of the most cherished and precious moments of their lives. Her parents were farmers, a lovely couple who somehow managed to be wonderful parents as well as run Giddywell Grange, a small but busy farm just on the outskirts of the village. Beth was their second child and their son Alex was two years older. They were so kind to Mum, who was parenting all on her own, after my dad, apparently, buggered off the minute she told him she was pregnant.

Our families did everything together, from those early days when our mums used to get together for coffee mornings and just stare at us babies, through to reception class where allegedly I used to cry until my bestie arrived, when I’d run in excitedly holding hands with her, looking forward to the day, through our early years at primary school and then on to high school.

As I pulled up into the courtyard in front of Giddywell Grange, I got a warm fuzzy feeling deep in my tummy as I remembered how much I loved this house and what it meant to me. I hadn’t been here for a couple of years and it really felt like I was coming home. It was their family farm, which had been handed down through the generations, and had always been a welcoming, warm and wonderful place to be. The big ivy-clad stone farmhouse, set in acres of land, held so many good memories for me. It was almost like the thick stone walls were ingrained with happiness, warmth and love that oozed out to those who were in it like a warm, cosy hug.

Much of my childhood was spent there, and my teenage years had been so much fun, helping to muck out the stables and grooming the horses with Beth, doing our homework at the kitchen table while Aunty Jen made us hot chocolate in the winter and doorstep sandwiches with her homemade bread, singing into our hairbrushes and pretending to be the Spice Girls in Beth’s room.

Beth must have heard the car pull up as she was standing at the front door. She enveloped me in a hug.

‘Oh, Maddy, my love, it’s so good to see you.’

My lip quivered and tears threatened, but Beth, tactful as ever, turned round and led the way into the kitchen. ‘Come on, love, I’ll pop the kettle on.’

‘It’s really good to see you, Beth, I’m so sorry it’s been such a long time since I popped by.’

While I was living the life of Riley in the corporate world, staying in swanky hotels, dining at the most salubrious restaurants and making sure I had Christian Louboutin shoes and the latest Mulberry handbag, Beth had launched and was running a very successful doggy daycare and boarding business called Growlers at the Grange, happy in wellies and wearing a backpack where she always had dog treats and poo bags at hand.

‘How’s business?’ I asked her. I realised that I didn’t actually know much about her work and I felt quite bad. It was becoming increasingly clear to me that I’d been so wrapped up in myself for the past few years that I had distanced myself from everyone who was once close to me.

‘It’s going really well actually. We’re dead busy. We’ve expanded Growlers so that we can have up to ten dogs in the daytime, and we do overnight boarding now too, so it really keeps us on our toes. Dad and I do most of the work between us – obviously Dad has the farm to run too, but he’s really cut back on the actual farming now. We have way fewer animals than we’ve ever had before and the ones we do have we can just about cope with. He’s renting out a couple of the large fields to neighbouring farmers who are keeping their own cattle on our land, and he’s renting out allotments to local people. Oh, and we also have a side business where we have a totally secure field that we rent out to people who want to bring their dogs along, those who don’t normally let their dogs off the lead. That’s a money-maker, I have to say. Oh, and we’ve got the barn that we do a long-term let on too. It certainly keeps us busy. And gives us various income streams coming in.’

I hadn’t realised that Beth had such a good business head on her shoulders. Perhaps she wasn’t living the dull and boring life, stuck in the village, that I’d thought.

‘Crikey, that sounds like a lot to do.’

‘It is, and it certainly takes some juggling and keeping on top of, but we both love it. We have a young lad called Russell working some hours for us too. Really nice lad and he loves dogs, which helps.’

‘That sounds amazing, Beth. You really seem to be happy and living the dream.’

‘Well, I’m sure you’ve always thought that my life is dreary and unexciting after the work that you do and all those swanky hotels you stay in and fancy restaurants.’

I gulped. It was as if she could see right through me.

‘I love it and it’s just my way of life. And I’ve also become involved in a couple of local community projects too through the library to give me some variety away from here and because I wanted to do something to help others.’ Beth had always been so very kind and it was in her blood to help others before helping herself. Just like her mum. She really was one of the nicest people I knew, and perhaps I hadn’t been the best friend to her that I could have been. Like with Mum, I’d neglected our friendship, another thing I’d prioritised my job over… and for what? For them to get rid of me. I hoped I could make it up to her.

‘And how about your health, hun? Are things better on that front?’

‘Not really, they have decided that the best thing for my dodgy knee is to operate. The torn cartilage needs sorting out and they’re going to shave some of the bone away, quite disgusting really and probably better that I’m out under general anaesthetic for it. They offered key-hole surgery but you know how squeamish I am. I’m just waiting for a date for the op to come through. That’s going to be quite a challenge. And I don’t think I’ll get much notice either. To be honest, it’s really playing on my mind at the moment, but I’m sure we’ll work something out. Dad will have to work extra hard and Russell will up his hours, but obviously the cost is going to hit the business hard. Luckily Alex is going to come over to help out for as long as his work will allow him to, but he can’t stay forever; he has his own job, and Sophie, to get back to over in the States.’

Alex was Beth’s older, cooler brother, who was always out with his super cool mates when we were teenagers hanging around the farm, but then he went away to uni. I don’t think anyone ever realised that I’d always had the hugest crush on him.

‘Anyway, it stresses me out to think about that so let’s get back to chatting about you. What are your plans going forward? Do you have any? Or are you just going to give yourself some time to look around?’

Another great quality of Beth’s was that she was very direct; there was no pussyfooting around with her. She just came straight out and asked what she wanted to know.

‘Well, I suppose I’ll just look around for a similar role; it’s all I know really. I might see if there’s something in the interim. There must be jobs out there that I can do. My redundancy money won’t last me forever. One of the first things I need to do is to buy myself a computer. I desperately need to get myself set up so that I can use the internet properly instead of just on my phone, and start looking around, I suppose. I need to buy a car too; my company car will go back at the end of this month.’

‘You can always use the office computer here, you know. It would be great to spend some time with you, and there’s always one desk free. Would that help at all? You could even come and help with the dogs, too. An extra pair of hands around the place would never be refused if you are looking to fill your time.’ She laughed and went on to say, ‘I could just see you getting stuck in with the poo pick-ups. Only joking! I know you’d never get your hands dirty in that way.’ Clearly she knew me well. Way better than the people who I’d worked with day in and day out and who I’d thought were my friends, but who were strangely silent right now. If they’d known me as well as Beth did, they’d have realised that one of the kindest things they could have done for me would have been to say something, even if they weren’t sure what to say; sometimes a friendly word is all you need to hear.

‘Not sure about picking up poo, but being able to use the internet would be amazing, Beth, thank you.’ I stood to hug her.

Warmth, generosity and kindness oozed from every one of her pores. ‘You’re welcome here anytime, Mads, I hope you know that.’

I looked at my oldest friend properly for the first time in what seemed like ages. Beth and I had been through so much together over the years. She was always the centre of attention, the belle of the ball, the one who, when we were out clubbing and dancing to ‘Relight My Fire’, yelled over the music, ‘I’m gonna be Lulu!’ and took to the centre of the dance floor. Every single time!

And now, she was still beautiful and kind and she seemed so happy and comfortable in her own skin, and I was so blessed that she was my friend. I vowed at this point to be a much better friend to her than I’d ever been before. It had never really occurred to me before, but if we were all a bit more Beth, and spent our time helping others and making them happy, the world would be a much better place. Sometimes it’s easy to lose sight of what is important.

‘Well, there’s no time like the present. I need to go over to Growlers and do some jobs now. Why don’t you come over and I can show you how everything works and give you passwords, and then you can help yourself whenever you like. Unless you have other plans, that is.’

‘I don’t! I don’t have any plans for the foreseeable future, to be honest. You really are kind, you know, Beth. I do appreciate it. I know I’ve not been around much in recent years but now I am; I’m really looking forward to spending time with you.’

She brushed my comment aside with a flimsy wave. ‘Maddy, I know that you’ve had a tough time over the last few years with Jamie’ – she paused – ‘and everything.’ She smiled a sad smile at me. ‘I know you. And I know that you had to get through that on your own. But you have always known that I’m here for you any time of the day or night. And besides, that’s what friends are for.’

* * *

We headed over to the kennels where a huge metal sign reading ‘Growlers at the Grange’ with paw prints either side hung outside a set of iron gates. The name always made me smirk, since Paul Stubbs at school had got told off for asking the girls to pull down their pants and show him their ‘growlers’. But here it obviously wasn’t a euphemism for one’s lady-garden. Beth and I had laughed so much when I reminded her of this after she’d told me what she was calling the business on one of our phone calls, which had been very few and far between around that time.

‘Well, hello, my darling. Come here!’ Uncle Tom opened his arms to me and I walked into them. He wrapped me in a huge bear hug, which he hadn’t done for years. I was trying to remember how long it had been since I’d seen him and the fact that I couldn’t recall when it was told me that it had been way too long.

‘Maddy, darling. So good to see you. I was hoping you’d pop over while you were here.’ A hug from him felt so good, and at six feet five, he was such a giant that you couldn’t help but feel safe and secure when you were cocooned in his arms. My mind wandered for a second and I imagined, like I always used to when Uncle Tom hugged me, what it would have felt like to get a hug from my own father. My own flesh and blood. I’d never know though, so I pushed that thought aside like I always did. It was something I couldn’t think about because it would drive me insane again.

I was one of those people who was very good at pushing things away when they became hard to deal with. I’d done it all my life when I thought about my father and I did the same when my world crashed around me when I found out about Jamie and everything that happened at that time. I supposed it was just my way of not having to deal with stuff and once I’d got my head around it all, enough to get back to work, throwing myself into it whole-heartedly and working all the time meant that I didn’t have to think about anything. Work was a huge distraction to me. But it was silly because all that stuff was still there, deep inside my mind, just with a lid on it. I knew there was a possibility that one day it could all come spilling out, but I had no intention of letting that lid come off for a good while yet.

‘Come on, sweetie, let me show you around.’ Beth tucked her arm into mine and we strolled into the first barn at the back of the offices.

Uncle Tom and Beth had spent a great deal of time and money making Growlers at the Grange the most wonderful five-star doggy daycare and kennels that you could ever wish to leave your dog at. Everything was behind locked doors and gates so there was no danger of escapees, and it was immaculately clean. Each pen was once a stable and therefore a good size, with an outside and an inside section, separated by a large dog flap so that the dogs could choose which bit they wanted to be in. There was a raised dog bed in the corner of each pen with a fluffy blanket on it, and a big squashy armchair in another corner, covered with a throw for those dogs that preferred to be on furniture. There was even a TV in each of the rooms. ‘We find that they don’t react to everything if there’s a bit of background noise. And the sofas are for those more pampered pooches who are used to being on the furniture at home,’ Beth explained. ‘It helps those dogs that are a little more anxious.’ I could have lived there myself, to be honest.

‘We’ll go through to the paddock areas now. It’s all totally secure and off lead from here, which the dogs love.’ The huge paddock had six-foot-high metal fencing all the way around and an assault course with tunnels and jumps and even hay bales, which Beth explained that the dogs loved because they hid treats in them for the dogs to forage and find, keeping them mentally stimulated as well as physically. If I had a dog I’d be so happy to leave them here.

A young man was playing with several dogs in the paddock. ‘And that’s Russell. He’s such a lovely lad. He spends lots of time here, even when he’s not working. He just loves dogs and playing and spending time with them. He’s going off to university soon though. Wants to train to be a vet so is trying his hardest to build up a pot of cash. We’ll be so sad to see him go and I really don’t know how we’ll replace him. He’s such a help. His mum is Rebecca, who works at the library. I help her out on the community projects that she organises. You’d like her, Mads. I’ll have to introduce you – although she’ll probably try and rope you in to helping. Lovely family.’ Beth smiled at me and tucked her arm back in mine as we walked back to the office. ‘I’m so happy to see you, matey. I really am.’

Beth was such a good egg. I definitely needed to be more like her.

* * *

Once I’d worked out how to use a PC again – which was very different to a Mac – I found a couple of jobs that I thought I’d apply for, if only to keep things ticking over in the interim period before I got my foot back in the door of PR. I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to go through a recruitment agency just yet and thought I’d see what I could find on my own. To be honest, at the moment, I couldn’t face bumping into people from the industry that I’d come from and admitting what had happened. It was still something I found highly embarrassing, so I thought a change of environment might do me good while I could get my head around things.

The first was as a sales rep for a hairdressing product company. Surely I could do that with my hands tied behind my back. I had learned so many different skills over the years that I knew I could turn my hand to anything. The other job I quite fancied having a go at was a membership co-ordinator role at a gym. Now, gyms I knew well. I’d pounded the treadmill many times to get rid of unwanted thoughts during the last few years and enjoyed people-watching, so I knew the different types of gym member. Surely it couldn’t be hard to recruit new people.

I spent the next couple of hours putting together a CV and got Beth to proofread it for me.

‘Well, on the strength of that CV, I can’t see you having any problems whatsoever getting either of those two jobs. They’d be bloody lucky to have you.’ My confidence had taken a bit of a battering of late, so I crossed my fingers and fired off my CV to both companies, hoping she was right.

* * *

The hair product company was the first to come back the following day and they invited me to call them and arrange an interview. They asked if I could go in at short notice, so I agreed and planned to go along that afternoon. For the first time in a couple of days, I felt a frisson of excitement as I showered and put a conditioning treatment on my hair. I’d always used the best of hair products so it looked sleek and shiny, so hopefully they’d notice that too and it would go in my favour.

Deciding to go for a natural make-up look, I put on my favourite pinstriped trouser suit with a pretty blouse and spritzed myself with Daisy by Marc Jacobs before sliding my feet into a pair of high heels. I absolutely looked the part and envisaged myself walking through salon doors with a product brochure and wooing the managers into buying lots of gorgeous products.

I arrived fifteen minutes early and was asked to wait in reception until they were ready. Forty-five minutes later, I still hadn’t gone in and I was getting more wound up with the waiting.

Eventually, my name was called and I was taken through to a conference room where a panel of three sat behind a table, with a vacant chair opposite them in which I was invited to take a seat. They introduced themselves as the MD, the sales director and the operations manager. They all seemed perfectly nice and fired questions at me left, right and centre. I answered everything pretty darn well, I thought, and felt confident that I could do the job, even though what I’d been doing for the last twelve years wasn’t directly linked. I knew that the skills and experience I’d picked up over time meant that I could do most jobs standing on my head.

‘Thank you so much for your time, Miss Young, and for coming in so quickly. You’ve certainly got lots of experience on the sales, PR and marketing side of things which is exactly what we’re looking for. We’ll be going to second interviews as the next stage, so you’ll be hearing from us very soon.’

I shook hands with all three of the panel members and left feeling pretty damn confident. I walked out with my head held high. Maybe things were starting to look up after all and I wasn’t as bloody crap as I’d thought I was after Ronington’s decided to part company with me. Within days, I’d very probably got myself a new job. I’d show them that I wasn’t useless after all.

* * *

That particular feeling didn’t last long though as within a couple of hours of being back home, my phone pinged to say that an email had arrived. My heart sank as I read that while they felt that my skills and experience were excellent, I wasn’t quite right for this particular job. There was lots of good luck for the future blah, blah, blah, but I was back to square one. No job, no future to look forward to and I felt lower than low.

I fired off a quick text to Mum and Beth, telling them both that I’d been turned down, and Mum sent back:

Plenty more jobs out there for my beautiful girl. Onwards and upwards. Love youx

And Beth came back with:

Well, it’s obviously not the right job for you, my love, and not meant to be. Don’t lose heart. The right thing will come along at the right time. And remember, there’ll always be a poo bag here with your name on it!

That night, I sat in a pair of old pyjamas and stuffed my face with chocolate, feeling really sorry for myself. I drank the best part of a bottle of Pinot Grigio and took myself off to bed around 10p.m. feeling sick from being a total glutton. I wished I’d stopped at Mum’s again. I felt really lonely.

* * *

A ping from my phone woke me around 8a.m. I’d slept in, which was very unlike me and possibly down to the wine. It was the noise that signified I’d got an email, and when I checked, there was one from Gym Fit, asking me to call them to arrange an interview. Crikey, this job-hunting lark was a proper rollercoaster on your emotions. I waited till 9a.m. on the dot and arranged an interview for the following morning.

What the hell did I do with myself today though? I literally had nothing to do. I could have checked job sites, but doing it on my phone wasn’t the best way to do it as the writing was all so blinking small.

The post arrived and in it was a letter as Celine had promised from the HR department with my redundancy settlement. One week’s pay for every year that I’d been there, my holiday pay for the holiday that I hadn’t yet taken that year and an extra thousand pounds on top. Sounded like quite a bit, but once I started to get the things I needed from the list I’d made, I couldn’t see it lasting that long, especially when I had to buy a car.

Window shopping. That was the answer. I’d go and check out laptops and iPads. I know Beth had said that I could use hers, which was so kind of her, but I needed something to do while I was at home too. The other thing I could do was to go to the gym, but I was scared to death to bump into someone I knew who would want to know why I was there in the daytime, and I’d have to tell them my whole sorry story. I wasn’t ready to share that just yet.

I drove to the local retail park and went into two different electronics shops. Not having a clue as to what the hell I was actually buying, I even surprised myself when I came out of the second one with a new Mac and an iPad. At this rate, my redundancy money wouldn’t last long at all.

I spent the rest of the day setting everything up and googling PR jobs, but also looking at blog posts about what to do when you want to change your career. I really didn’t know what I wanted to do. I also checked out some other local gyms so that I could be fully prepped for tomorrow’s interview.

* * *

Once more, I turned up looking the part in a smart trouser suit. I was the smartest one there and was introduced to the regional manager and the gym manager. A quick tour round the gym piqued my interest and it was explained to me that the main part of the job was to contact local companies and offer their staff corporate membership. How hard could that be? They seemed to be a really young, dynamic team and the company was really forward-thinking. Part of the role would be to manage the membership team of three people and ultimately increase their membership numbers. I felt that I’d be well suited to the job and it appeared that they did too because after being at home for two hours, a job offer landed in my inbox.

I punched the air. I could do it. People did want me to work for them. I was good enough! Thank goodness for that. I gave the regional manager a call and after a little negotiating – I asked for more money and they said no – we agreed on the offer. It was nearly half the salary I was used to getting, but a job was a job and I couldn’t afford to be particularly choosy right now, so I accepted and said that I was looking forward to starting next Monday.

* * *

The days until I started my new job dragged a bit. I milled around, not really doing much, just sleeping lots and drinking buckets of tea and nursing my wounds. I still felt totally devastated that I’d been made redundant and it really hurt when I felt that I’d given so much to the company, although I was grateful that I’d found something pretty quickly. Not everyone was that lucky.

My emotions were all over the place. I spent time over at the farm when Beth was free, although she was so busy alternating between Growlers and helping in the community, those times were few and far between.

Monday came around. Wanting to make a fab impression, I had dressed in a designer suit and high heels. The club manager took one look at me, grinned and passed me a pair of shiny branded tracksuit bottoms and a manly polo shirt with the name of the gym printed bang in the middle of my right boob. Perfect placement by the marketing department. I was leant a pair of really manky old trainers from lost property and told to bring my own in tomorrow. They’d forgotten to give me that little bit of useful information. The thought of putting my feet into this disgusting footwear made me cringe as I thought of my beautiful shoes and the designer pumps I normally wore if I had to resort to flatties.

I sat at my desk and was told that at 10a.m. there was a conference call when all the membership managers from the Midland sites dialled in and talked about what they would do for the day ahead. A further call would take place at 5p.m. to talk about their successes. That seemed a little excessive to me, and very controlling, but so be it. I was the new girl so I’d go with the flow.

After spending most of the day being introduced to the fitness team, and the three members of staff who would be working under me, in the time we had left, I was given instructions from the gym manager to do roleplay with my team and go through some scripted questions and answers which were in the handbook. It all felt a bit daft to be honest, something that grown adults shouldn’t really have to do.

There wasn’t much I could contribute to the early evening call that day, and I went home wondering what the next day would entail. I soon found out, when on the morning call the next day, my instructions were to continue with the roleplay with my team until we knew it off by heart. I’d never been one for roleplay to be honest; at the PR company we just got on with stuff, but then I’d never worked at a gym before, so I ran with it. Just before lunch, the club manager suggested that we went out into Stafford town centre to give out some free day passes to the gym to break things up a bit. I was taken aback at the thought of standing around in the street – having thought that my role was to focus on corporate membership – but my team looked to me for guidance, so we piled into my car and headed for the town centre.

We chatted in the car and I got to know the guys a little better. Dave was just nineteen and a fitness fanatic and it was his first job after leaving sixth form. Ali had been working there for two years and said that she’d seen membership managers and staff come and go quickly. When I asked her whether she’d considered applying for the position, she laughed and said that the turnover of staff in the department was so incredibly high that she’d rather keep her job. She was quite happy because she got membership for free and she was a proper gym bunny. Marie was the member of staff we’d left behind in case there were any walk-in visits. Ali told me that she was twenty-three and had taken a change of direction from her beauty career as she couldn’t cope with standing on her feet all day. She’d been there for one month and was still learning the ropes herself.

As we approached the town centre, the weather was looking pretty grim, with grey cloudy skies ahead, and after I parked up, we spread ourselves out along the high street. In our bright green gym polo shirts, we were quite a show. As it started to drizzle, and my carefully curled hair hung limply around my shoulders, I handed out leaflets, smiling at the passers-by and using my most enthusiastic voice.

‘Hi there, can I offer you a free day pass to Gym Fit in Stafford?’

Now, I know us British people are a suspicious lot when someone is trying to stop them in the street, but I found myself wondering why people couldn’t actually be nice to those just trying to do their jobs, instead of completely ignoring them, deliberately walking in a different direction or avoiding eye contact. You would have thought we were passing on a deadly virus, the way people treated us.

A group of lads in their late teens walked towards me. These will definitely go for it , I thought. I smiled sweetly. One of them deliberately nudged into me, knocking all the fliers out of my hand. They found it highly amusing as I picked up the scattered leaflets that were all getting wet.

‘Sorry love, didn’t see you there doing your Kermit the Frog impression!’ More laughter drifted my way, but I held my head up and continued to smile sweetly through gritted teeth.

‘We’re giving away free passes today to Gym Fit. Would you be interested at all?’ They fell about laughing and one shouted, ‘You’re not a very good advert for a gym with an arse the size of yours, love.’

I was seriously insulted – I knew the tracksuit bottoms weren’t the most flattering, but I couldn’t believe their rudeness.

I huffed Miss Piggy style and turned in the opposite direction. A pretty young lady walked towards me with a pushchair.

‘Hi there, can I offer you a free pass to Gym Fit?’

She turned on me. ‘You calling me fat, you cheeky cow?’

‘God no, not at all. I just thought you might like to come and try us out. Maybe grab the chance to have a bit of “me” time.’

‘No! Fuck off!’

Charming! I looked over at my team who were getting similar abuse from passers-by. I couldn’t believe the reaction we were getting. Why couldn’t people just be nice?

I rounded my team up and decided that we’d go to the nearest coffee shop to warm up and get out of the rain. They told me that this was quite usual behaviour from the general public and that they rarely got people to even take a flyer, let alone come for a free trial.

Downhearted, we headed back to the gym and the manager asked how we’d got on.

‘Completely bloody awful, to be honest,’ I replied.

‘Oh well, tomorrow is another day. Perhaps you could try a different town centre or a different approach. The one you are using is clearly not working.’

Slightly disappointed by the lack of encouragement and empathy, I found the sales call that took place at 5p.m. wasn’t the most positive, either. The area manager ended by saying that there would be consequences for the teams that had the fewest sales at the end of the week and that our priority was roleplay again the following day as we were obviously not getting our sales patter right. Great. Now I had that to look forward to.

I realised that at Ronington’s, I was pretty much left to my own devices. I worked out my own plan and just got on with it, without any supervision and certainly no need to do roleplay. I was thirty-seven, for goodness’ sake. Did I really have to sit and do roleplay with a team to work out how to get new customers? There were so many other ideas I had that I knew would work.

That evening, I got my notepad and pen and sat for an hour and a half jotting down a ton of ideas, planning to bring them up during the conference call the next day. That lifted my spirits a little. After all, PR and marketing was what I did, and I knew that I knew my stuff. I went to bed that night feeling a little more positive than I had earlier that day.

On the conference call the following morning, I suggested that we could contact some of the larger companies in the vicinity of the gym and ask whether they had an open day, or a staff health day, or whether we could introduce one. Maybe a health check or even just give out our free day passes and ask people to come along and see what facilities were on offer. I was met with deathly silence.

‘Thank you for your input, Madison, but I’d rather you just got on with what I’ve asked you to do rather than waste time coming up with random ideas. You are paid to do as you are told. Please do it.’

Slightly disillusioned that I wasn’t using my skills to the full, which I understood were the reason that they’d taken me on, when I went back to the sales office, I made an executive decision and decided to sit down with my team and chat the ideas through with them. They loved my ideas. We were all fired up and cracked on with making calls to local businesses, setting ourselves little targets along the way, and it was fun. I thought that everyone loved a bit of initiative, and when I could show her our results, the area manager would be really impressed.

On the 5p.m. call, when she asked about our success for the day, I told her we’d made several appointments for people to visit the following day because of the activity we’d done. There was deathly silence for about thirty seconds.

‘I told you what to do today! Did you not listen? What on earth did you think you were doing?’ she bellowed down the phone line. I was mortified, knowing that ten other membership managers were on the call.

‘I used my initiative and we got results,’ I stuttered out.

‘I have never known anyone as insubordinate. I’ll be coming to your gym tomorrow and I’d like to see you privately.’

Well, I’d obviously made a cracking impression on her. Why hadn’t I just done what she’d told me? Why had I thought that my ideas were better than hers? I could have kicked myself. I just wanted to do a good job, and that was what I explained to her when she came to the office on Thursday afternoon.

‘I’ve decided that you and your membership team will report to Dudley Gym Fit tomorrow morning at sixa.m. and you will do an hour’s boxercise class.’

I giggled but when she glared right back at me I realised it was no joke. Dudley gym was about forty-five minutes’ travelling time from my house at that time in the morning, which would mean leaving home at 5.15a.m. at the latest. Surely she wasn’t serious.

‘Perhaps after that, the next time you’re thinking of using your initiative you might think again and do as you were told in the first place. We don’t pay you to think.’

She was only about twenty-eight, clearly one of those who was keen to get on and push her way through the ranks, not caring who she left behind in her wake. I’d seen that type before and suddenly from nowhere, I found my voice. She might be my boss, but that didn’t mean she had the right to speak to me this way. I decided I’d try to explain once more.

‘I was using my initiative, that’s all. I have a PR and marketing background and know that these things work. In fact, we have made ten appointments this morning alone with local businesses who are really interested in us working with their staff. If we can help them to have healthy staff, it’s great for their absence figures, and if they get benefits from being a member of the gym as part of their wages, people are going to want to work there. That’s had more effect than standing in the street handing out leaflets. I’m sorry, but I think that to be punished in this way is a little unfair.’ Bloody massively unfair is what I wanted to say, but thought I’d better tone it down a bit.

‘Well, your team will have you to thank for getting up early and training, won’t they?’ She was venomous. How did someone like her get a job like that? My blood was beginning to boil. I made a split-second decision which I knew I might come to regret, but right then I didn’t care.

‘I’m sorry, but I won’t be going.’

‘You will go!’ she yelled at me.

‘I’m sorry but to be totally honest, this is probably the crappiest job I’ve ever had in my life. I’ve had to dress up like Shrek, stand in the pouring rain, been told to fuck off, been told I have a fat arse, and all that when the pay is rubbish. I’ve tried to get new members into the gym but we can’t make people come doing it your way and then, when we find a way that does work, you think it’s OK to punish us for that. No one deserves that.’ I was on a roll now and the words wouldn’t stop pouring from my mouth.

‘The people that you have working in the team here are bloody good people and this is how you treat them? They don’t deserve it. I don’t want to work for a company like this and certainly not for a person like you.’

She was bright red in the face, furious with me. I didn’t think anyone could ever have spoken to her like that in her life.

She went to speak but I held my hand up, palm towards her, to silence her. ‘Let me stop you there!’

And I picked up my handbag from the side of my desk, grabbed my jacket from the back of my chair and walked out of the double entrance doors to Gym Fit for the last time.

* * *

I couldn’t face going back to the apartment, so I dropped the car off into my parking space and decided to go for a walk to cheer myself up. I couldn’t believe that in less than a week, I was out of work again. There was a children’s park just down the road from the development and I found myself heading there as I did so often when I needed to clear my head. Sitting on an empty bench overlooking the play area probably wasn’t one of my brightest ideas. A pretty little girl in denim shorts and a flowery long-sleeved t-shirt played in the sandpit while her mum took her phone out and snapped lots of pictures. The daughter ran up to her mum and, chuckling, flung her arms around her neck and threw her body weight at her. Her mum laughed as she fell backwards and they hugged tightly and she showered her mum with kisses.

It felt like a stab to the heart, and a lone tear rolled down my cheek as I thought about what might have been if my life had turned out differently. Whether I’d have made a good mum. It was a question I’d asked myself many times.

That first tear must have broken the seal, and more streamed uncontrollably as reality started to sink in. I had no job. I had no children. Nothing to get up for. No purpose in life. That panicked feeling came crashing over me again and I grabbed onto the bench for support.

A cold, wet nose nudged my hand and I looked down to see a beautiful furry face staring at me.

‘Excuse me for poking my nose in, but are you OK, my lovely?’

I turned my head towards the sound of a woman’s voice, and had been so deep in my misery that I hadn’t even noticed that someone had joined me on the bench. I soon realised that it was the dog-walking lady that I saw sometimes from my window. She was older close-up than I’d originally thought, but even prettier than she looked from a distance. Her blonde hair was swept back Grace Kelly style in a sleek clip, revealing naturally high cheekbones and perfect rosebud lips.

I tried to speak, but nothing came out and my breath just wouldn’t come.

‘Just breathe, my dear. Deep breaths; look at me and do it with me. In, two, three. And out, two, three. And again. In, two, three. And out, two, three.’

She took my hand and smiled at me as I looked at her intently, and after a few seconds of repeating what she told me to do, my breathing steadied and finally I felt able to speak.

‘Thank you. So kind of you. I’m not sure what came over me.’

‘Well, something has certainly upset you. I live just round the corner. Why don’t you come and sit in my garden and I’ll make you a nice hot sweet cup of tea? It looks like you need one. Perhaps you might want to talk about what’s upset you. A problem shared is a problem halved and all that. But if you don’t want to share, you can just sit and gather yourself together.’

‘Thank you so much, but please don’t let me interrupt the rest of your afternoon. I’ll be fine, honestly.’

She picked up my jacket and my handbag from the bench and handed them to me.

‘You are far from fine, young lady. You’re shaking like a leaf and you’re not interrupting anything at all. I was only popping to the shop anyway for something to do to fill my time. Sometimes in life, we need a little helping hand, and this afternoon I’d like to be yours. I’m Alice, by the way.’ She tucked her arm into mine and led the way steadily. I was glad of her support as I was still feeling a little wobbly, and I introduced myself.

Just around the corner, tucked away, was the prettiest little picture postcard cottage I had ever seen. We walked through a low gate and along a winding path weaving through a small but perfectly formed front garden full of glorious flowers in bloom to a vintage green front door. Just being in that garden was making me feel a whole lot calmer.

‘If you want to take yourself through to the back garden, go through that side gate. I’ll be round in a minute or two.’

I walked through the big gate, which looked like it led to a secret garden. Taking a seat, I looked around me and noticed that it flowed effortlessly into another beautiful garden space, with a vegetable patch at the bottom, a small pond and a decking area with outside seating. I listened to the wooden wind chimes tinkling away as I turned my head towards the warm early spring sun. My breath slowed down to somewhere near normal and I felt much steadier.

‘Here you go, tea and biccies. My grandmother used to swear that it solved everything.’ She placed a tray with two pretty Emma Bridgewater mugs and a plate with a selection of biscuits on the table, and my tummy rumbled as I realised I had never got around to eating lunch today. The golden Cockerpoo I was so used to seeing her walking was now scampering around her legs.

‘You really are very kind, Alice. Thank you.’ I put my hand down and ruffled the fur on the dog’s head.

‘Ah, it’s a pleasure to help. I lost my husband suddenly earlier this year and I’ve had times when I’ve been out and had a little panic attack and not known what to do with myself. I wish that someone had helped me, so I wanted to stop and help you. You looked like you were having a bad day!’ She passed me the plate and told me to help myself. I was actually quite starving. Sadly, I was not one of those people who went off their food when a trauma occurred. There wasn’t much that would put me off eating, which was probably why I was an ample size fourteen. Something else that Jamie had always wanted to change, encouraging me to go to the gym all the time.

‘I’m so sorry to hear that. It must be hard to adapt.’ I picked up my tea and took a sip. Hot and sweet, just how I liked it.

‘It is. We’d just celebrated our ruby wedding anniversary when I lost him. I wake up sometimes and forget he’s gone. When I reach over to touch him, it hits me all over again. Good job I’ve got this little monster here to make me get up in the morning or some days I’m not sure I’d actually leave my bed.’ She stroked the Cockerpoo tenderly on the head and passed him a treat, which she had also brought out on the tray. ‘Baxter here keeps me sane, don’t you, my darling? So do you want to talk about what’s upset you, or would you rather not? Sometimes it helps to talk things through though.’ Baxter surprised me by jumping up onto my lap and snuggling down for a cuddle. He really was a cutie.

Alice smiled. ‘Dogs always seem to sense when someone is upset.’

I tickled him gently behind his ears as he nuzzled his head further into my hand, and as I smiled at him, he looked up and I’m sure he winked at me. ‘Well, I don’t really know where to start, to be honest. I’ve recently been made redundant, applied for two jobs, got turned down for one and taken on at another, which was the worst job I’ve ever had, and about an hour ago I walked out on that. I’ve given my life to my last company for twelve years and I’ve never walked out of a job. And to be honest, I really don’t know what I’m going to do.’

I could feel myself welling up again. Hearing it all out in the open made me realise how crappy my life was.

Since being made redundant, I had been struggling with the feeling that I just wasn’t needed anywhere, and I had come to realise that this was something that was really important to me in life. Without it, I felt bereft. When I was at work, someone always needed me. If it wasn’t the sales department asking about sales figures or budgets, it was the creative department, needing to know what artwork and text should look like. And Celine needed me. She had no idea who our best clients were, or who was lined up for future projects, and sometimes she just needed me to boost her ego and make her feel better, but since the day I walked out the door, no one had needed me.

Redundant. The word was so harsh, so final. I looked it up in the dictionary and it said that the definition was: Not or no longer needed. Superfluous to requirements. Unwanted .

I couldn’t imagine crueller words. No wonder my self-esteem had taken a bit of a dent.

I’d found the transition between working all the time and then not having a permanent job really hard. My phone never rang. My emails never pinged. God, it was so quiet and I wasn’t used to it at all.

Right now, I felt as if I was worth absolutely nothing. And I kept coming back to the question of why Ronington’s hadn’t fought harder for me to stay. How could you give your all to a company only for them to just get rid of you at the drop of a hat? I was devastated that I’d been treated this way after everything I’d put into the business. Didn’t all those hours and all that dedication count for anything? I clearly couldn’t have been the person I’d thought I was. Perhaps I was just deluded. I obviously wasn’t capable enough for them to want or need me. I must have been totally useless for them to let me go completely. I must be, or surely the hair company would have taken me on and the gym job would have worked out. I’d never felt more confused or let down, and I didn’t know if it was me or them.

And then there was the guilt I felt. Could I have done more to help our jobs survive? Had I let people down by not doing enough to keep things together? Was it all my fault? Poor Alice; I’m glad I didn’t blurt all of that out. I didn’t want to burden her too much, so I was glad those thoughts were all in my head.

‘Do you know, Madison, I’ve learned that there are two ways to look at everything since I lost my Des. You can sit and wallow, or you can see everything as a chance that’s been given to you, that some people never get… and that’s what I’ve chosen to do. While we think we are having a bad time, there are others in the world who are taking their last breath, and I try to remember that and be grateful that I’m still here with a life to live. I firmly believe that we owe it to those not as lucky as we are to live it to the full. And for you, my dear, yes, this must have come as a terrible shock, but maybe when that wears off, you’ll see it as an opportunity to do something different with your future.

‘I’m going to visit my sister Emily in a week’s time in Australia. She’s been there for years and has sent a ticket for me to go over. I’ve never been before and I am so looking forward to seeing her. Although my blooming dog-sitter has just cancelled on me, but sorting that out is my job for today and once I’ve done that, then I’ll be packing and off! Des wouldn’t want me to sit here and dwell on it. He’d say, “Alice, you can have a pity-party, but get it over and done with quickly, and until we meet again, go and enjoy your life. Don’t be sad at what we had; smile and think about all those wonderful memories that we made.” I can just hear him saying it now.’ She smiled. ‘Life has a funny way of showing you that it’s for making memories, and perhaps now is your time to make some new ones.’

I thought hard about the last time I’d made a memory that wasn’t work related, and couldn’t for the life of me think of anything.

We finished our tea and I said that I must get home, not that I had anything to go home to or for, but I felt like I’d already taken more of this wonderful lady’s time than I should. I bent to stroke Baxter and he licked my hand. He really was a sweetheart. I told Alice that my best friend Beth ran a doggy daycare business and might be able to look after Baxter while she was away.

We exchanged phone numbers and I told Alice that I’d speak to Beth and be in touch. She gave me a gentle hug as we said goodbye. For the second time recently, I was reminded of the fact that people didn’t touch me very often. I lived alone and didn’t really see many people, and a hug was a rarity. It was actually really rather nice.

‘Be kind to yourself, Madison. You’ve had a massive shock and some major things going on in your life. Be easy on yourself.’

As I walked home I wondered if the universe was way cleverer than we gave it credit for. Whether people came into your life at a time when they were meant to for a particular reason. Alice had made me feel that perhaps being made redundant wasn’t the worst thing in the world, but maybe it was just a chance for me to have a bit of a shake-up of my life and make new memories of my own. And that thought actually didn’t seem quite as bad as it had an hour ago.

I went home and threw a ready meal into the microwave. I knew that now I had more time on my hands, I should be eating more healthily, but right now I didn’t have the energy to cook. And I was pretty rubbish at it anyway. Flicking through the TV channels made me realise how I didn’t really follow anything on TV, so I opted for the first Bridget Jones film; I’m not sure whether it made me feel better or worse, but it did make me realise that crap happened to Bridget too.