Chapter 7
7
The next week flew by as we all started getting into a routine at Growlers. While Beth was still around, she taught me all she could regarding the office work, so I could get to know every aspect of what she did from the business side of things. Then she could help Uncle Tom and Russell to carry out all the physical duties, while I kept the office side going, and they’d show me those ropes next week. They’d spoken to Alex and he was going to be able to get over a couple of days after she’d had her operation, so we worked out a rota to cover the first couple of weeks of her being away from work.
The day of the operation soon came round and it was really emotional to say goodbye to her as Uncle Tom bundled her up in his tatty old Land Rover and took her off to the hospital. He was beyond worried until he got a call to say that everything had gone as well as could be expected and that Beth was sleeping and very groggy and that it would be better if he visited the following day. She still wasn’t with it the following day so his visit was short and sweet, but he was definitely feeling better now that he’d seen her.
Mum popped over early evening with her slow cooker full of the most divine-smelling chicken casserole, and we didn’t realise how hungry we all were until we sat around the farmhouse kitchen and tucked in. We arranged a visiting rota for the hospital so we weren’t all there at the same time and so that Beth wasn’t alone for too long. Fingers crossed, she’d be allowed home within a few days to start her recovery.
The next afternoon on my visiting shift, Beth seemed much perkier than I’d thought she’d be.
‘Well, I’m glad you’ve lost your job!’
‘ Beth! You can’t say that.’
‘Well, I am. And because I’m ill I can say what I want! It’s like being an old person who doesn’t give a shit who they upset with what they say. I love it!’ She grinned. ‘Perhaps now you’ll spend time doing other things than work, Maddy. And just think – you can spend more time with me right now. You would never have done that if you were still working. Sometimes things happen for a reason, but we don’t know why.’
‘I don’t know how to do anything apart from work.’ I laughed.
‘I know you’ve always thought my life was really boring compared to yours, Mads.’
‘I never said that.’
‘You didn’t have to say it. You always looked down your nose at me when I told you what I was doing. I could never compete with your world of glamour and money. All you’ve ever done for the last few years is work your backside off to make someone else’s dreams come true and to make their business a success. What do you do for you, Mads?’
‘But I’ve had to do this; it’s important to me to be a success. It’s all that matters to me.’
‘But why, Maddy? What can be more important than having a great life and doing something you love? I’ve never really understood why you pushed yourself so hard.’
‘Because,’ I answered, almost whispering the words. ‘Just because.’
‘Who do you feel the need to prove yourself to?’
‘Please Beth, just drop it. It’s not important.’
‘OK, I’ll drop it for now, but don’t think I won’t come back to this when I have more energy. You’ve been so busy making a living that you’ve forgotten to make a life for yourself.’
Beth’s words cut me to the core as the realisation dawned on me that she was absolutely right. As soon as someone asked me to do something, I’d say, ‘I’m sorry, I’m working,’ or mostly, ‘I don’t have time.’
‘We all have twenty-four hours in a day, Mads, even Richard Branson and Beyoncé. It’s what we choose to do with it that makes all the difference.’
I looked at my friend. Beth had been with me all my life, even though over the last few years I’d not really been the best friend to her. I realised that for a long time, our friendship had been very one-sided. If Beth had organised something then I’d go along, but I was always way too busy to actually arrange something myself. I asked myself exactly what I had brought to our friendship and for the last few years, the answer was actually not a lot. But when I asked what Beth had brought to our friendship, the answer was… everything.
‘What are your dreams and desires, Mads? What do you want out of life?’
‘I really don’t know any more. I thought I did. I thought that working at Ronington’s and throwing everything I had into their business was what I wanted, and I do think I’ve lost my hopes and dreams somewhere along the way. I suppose I’ve been busy helping someone else to build their dreams instead of thinking about my own. And to be honest, since they let me go, until I started working at the farm, I was feeling pretty bloody useless.’
Being made redundant was one of the worst points of my life. I didn’t think I’d ever felt so low, not even after what had happened with Jamie. I never saw it coming that morning; never suspected the rollercoaster of emotions that awaited me. One minute I was elated at the prospect of being promoted, then plunged into shock at being told that I wasn’t good enough to keep my job and that I was being let go.
Talk about a kick in the teeth.
Seeing that her words had had an impact on me, Beth decided to relent a little and get back to business.
‘Over there on the bedside table is a list of things that I need you to do to cover for me while I’m out of action. I don’t want you to look at them yet, but I do want you to take the notebook home with you. Basically, I need you to do these things. Non-negotiable. If you don’t do them, then lots of people will be let down. Good people who need help right now. And I think it’ll do you good. You’ve been walking round with blinkers on and I really want you to throw yourself into the stuff I’ve written down. It’s nothing major, just stuff that I do every week to help out in the community. But if I don’t help them, then no one will, so it’s all down to you. It’ll be good for you too!
‘You might find these tasks dull and boring, but these people need someone to help them. They depend on me. And maybe somewhere along the way, they might just trigger off some ideas that will fire you up and inspire you. You’ve lost that passion and spark that you had all those years ago, Mads, and I want to help you get them back. And let’s face it, there’s bugger all else I’m going to be doing for the next few months, is there?’ She waved her hand up and down her body and sighed loudly.
That feeling of panic and nausea was coming back. My heartbeat started to quicken. Apart from working at Growlers, I had nothing else planned for the immediate future and it was pretty darn scary. What Beth had said to me, about losing my spark, hit home too. And if I was really honest with myself, maybe I’d lost my identity before I’d been made redundant. Even though I gave the impression that I was living my best life, was I really? Work was my everything and there was nothing outside of it. Beth was being quite brutal with her words, and it hurt, but she was actually right. This was all totally outside of my comfort zone, but perhaps it was time that I explored more options.
I scraped a hand through my hair and had a fluttery feeling in my tummy. I took a deep breath.
‘OK, let’s do this!’