Escape to the Country

Chapter 16

16

My cakes didn’t turn out too bad at all for a first attempt and I was pretty proud of myself. While they were cooling, I decided to go over to the allotment and make a start of some sort, as it wasn’t going to do itself. I’d bought some seeds and wanted to put them in the shed. I felt like it needed a good clean before I went in there – it was full of cobwebs when I’d popped in before, and I wasn’t a huge fan of spiders so I went armed with a long broom. But when I arrived, and went to open the shed padlock, I noticed that it wasn’t locked. I must have forgotten to close it properly when I was here with Alex. So I was really surprised when I poked my head through the door and it looked completely different to the last time I’d been in there. The door was now attached to the shed frame by some new hinges. There was already a broom right by the door and it had definitely been swept out. All the cobwebs had gone and it was looking clean and tidy. The pots had been put in one corner and there were a few packets of seeds on the side. There was a huge bag of potting compost by the door and I picked up the packets of seeds and noticed that there was a note propped up against a small radio which hadn’t been there before either. I turned to the light to read it.

I know how much you hate spiders and I couldn’t risk being doused in another hot coffee, so I got rid of them all for you! Hope you feel better about your new kingdom now it’s a bit tidier and you have something to listen to while you work! Alexx

Oh wow! How thoughtful. He knew about my fear of spiders because once when we were teenagers, he had pretended he had something in his hands and I told him not to come near me. He kept on teasing me and I told him if he came any closer, I’d throw the hot cup of coffee I was holding over him. He didn’t believe me and came that one step closer. I had warned him though and he squealed like a girl when I threw it. I’d told him I would though. He ran off into the farm fuming and yelled, ‘There was nothing in my bloody hand anyway, you daft cow!’ Clearing out the shed for me was such a lovely, kind gesture that made me realise what a bloody lovely bloke he was and I loved him just a little bit more than before. As a brother figure, of course.

In the past, my Saturday afternoons were filled with shopping and working, yet I found spending time on the allotment today was so much more fulfilling. The sun was starting to go down so I decided to stop working. I’d been there for hours and as I stood and surveyed my surroundings, I was actually starting to see a difference. There was now a small but whole square of land that hadn’t got any weeds on it at all, but my shoulders ached liked hell and when I got up I felt like an old lady. Nothing that a soak in a hot bath wouldn’t sort out, I was sure. I couldn’t wait for the days when I could come here to pick some veg for tea. I’d be so proud of actually growing my own produce. I never thought it would be something that would appeal to me but it really did. Everyone needed a hobby. When I worked I didn’t think I needed one. I just seemed to work all the time and didn’t really do much else. It had been years since I’d sung, and I’d practically given up music, because Jamie didn’t approve.

I was really enjoying myself these days just doing simple stuff that I would never have thought was my cup of tea. Perhaps when my veggies were ready I could take some to Mr and Mrs Darby, and Stuart too. And I could share them with Mum… I hoped I would have a good crop! I smiled as I wandered back over to the barn and watched the full sunset from the arched window of my bedroom while I waited for the bath to fill. It was absolutely stunning and I felt so very peaceful. What a difference to my life just a few weeks ago, which was packed full of events, work and constantly being on the go. I warned myself not to get too comfortable though; it was only temporary until I found something else back in that corporate world. Weirdly, that thought didn’t fill me with as much joy as it once would have.

While soaking in the bath, I pondered on just how much my life had changed over the last few weeks. That chain of thought brought Jamie back to mind. Was I going to meet him or not? I still hadn’t made up my mind. But I knew that I was curious. I suppose it helped that when we were together Jamie and I were the same and we never minded working all the time because we were both doing it. We even used to sit in bed on a Saturday morning, drinking coffee and reading trade magazines. But now I’d started doing other things, I felt like I’d been really missing out.

The things I was doing now, that Beth had always done, I’d always felt were completely boring and dull, yet these small tasks that Beth had got me to cover for her had fulfilled me more than my previous work role ever did. I was a little embarrassed if truth be told, as even though I didn’t mean to, I must have shown my disdain to Beth on the rare occasions that we met up or spoke.

I even thought that I was happy on my own. Because I felt that my father had let me down before I was even born, it had taken me a while to trust in a relationship, but I met and fell head over heels in love with Jamie and I did put my trust in him… only for him to prove me right about my fears. After Jamie had let me down, I vowed that I’d never trust anyone in a romantic relationship again. I’d put him and the thought of anyone else to the back of my mind. So why was I constantly thinking about Jamie since he’d been in touch? I decided that there might be only one way to get him out of my system once and for all.

* * *

I always thought that arriving early to a meeting gave me an advantage over walking in last, so I arrived at the pub early before the Monday after-work rush started and got myself a prime seating position so I would be able to see him when he approached the entrance. Now I was here though, I was really not sure if this had been the best idea after all, because I could hear my stomach gurgling with trepidation. I was really nervous. Oh God! He was here and about to walk through the door.

The bell above the door tinkled, and I pretended to be on my phone, but before I knew it, he strode across the room and was standing literally two feet from me. I looked straight into those baby blue eyes, which crinkled up in that oh-so-familiar way as a smile spread across his face. I stood and hesitated, a little unsure of how to greet him, but before I could decide, he grabbed both my elbows, leant forward and kissed me on both cheeks before I had the chance to back away.

‘God, you look gorgeous, Madison. Even better than before. You have a healthy glow about you, absolutely stunning. What are you drinking?’

In shock over how familiar he was, I said that I’d already got a coffee, so he went off to the bar to get himself a drink. It gave me time to study him. He looked well too. He’d lost a bit of weight and was looking lean and fit, his clothes fitting him well, especially his trousers. He turned and saw me looking at his backside and grinned and I excused myself to go to the ladies’ as soon as he returned to our table. I stood with my back against the toilet door, my heart thumping so loud it felt like it was on the outside of my body. My hands were shaking and I knew I really needed to get a grip before I went back out there.

It was time for my superhero pose. I always felt like a complete twat when I did it, but apparently scientific studies had proven that if you stood with your hands on your hips and your head tilted upwards, in a superhero stance, before either a job interview or a big presentation or a really hard task, then not only would you feel significantly more confident, you would perform measurably better. Well, that’s what it said once on Grey’s Anatomy and I’d never forgotten it! And it worked too. Every single time.

My breathing began to slow right down and after a minute or two it returned to normal, and right now I felt like I could take on the world. So I was certainly ready to take on Jamie.

* * *

‘It really is good to see you, Maddy, you’ve been on my mind so much and I’ve wanted to get in touch so many times but didn’t know whether to or not. But then I thought, what’s the worst that could happen if I did? And the worst thing was that you might have said no, so I’d be in exactly the same position. So, I bit the bullet and wrote you that note. I’ve never stopped thinking about you and wishing that things had been different between us before I fucked it all up.’ He did actually look ashamed, I was glad to see, as he blurted all this out. I sat in silence and just looked at him. In the past, I would have started to fill the silence with words reassuring him that it was OK, when it wasn’t, just to make him feel better, but I needed him to know not just how much he’d hurt me but also how much I’d changed.

‘I know it was entirely my fault. You were such a good influence in my life and I know it’s all down to me that we’re not together any more. I miss you, Maddy. I’ve missed you since the day I left. Things have never been the same since.’

Saying nothing seemed way more powerful than saying anything that could have been misconstrued. I gave him a stare that Paddington Bear would have been proud of.

‘I suppose what I’m trying to say is that I’m, erm… I’m sorry.’

There they were. The words that I’d waited to hear for so long. The words that I had felt would be life-changing. The words that were coming three years later than they should have. And the words that actually, now I was hearing them, meant nothing at all. And there was nothing about the pregnancy. My baby. It was almost like he’d completely forgotten about something that I would never be able to forget.

‘Jamie, three years ago, those words may have been much nicer to hear. Now, they mean nothing. Why did you want to meet me? Shall we get to the point?’

‘I wanted to meet you because I wanted you to forgive me. I’ve been feeling bad about how things ended between us and wanted to put things right. And I love you, Maddy, I have missed you more than I could ever tell you. I’ve never stopped loving you, Maddy, even though we’ve been apart. I’d love us to be friends again and maybe eventually even become a couple again. I know that won’t be for a while, and that I have to earn the right to have you back, but I’d really like us to try.’

He seemed totally genuine, but I could just imagine what Beth would be saying if she were sitting here right now.

I looked deep into his beautiful big blue eyes. Eyes in which I used to get lost forever, and I could feel myself falling deep into them once more. He smiled at me and his eyes twinkled as he reached across the table with his hands.

Hesitating at first, my hands joined his as if they had a will of their own. Those big, smooth, powerful hands that I knew so well, that had caressed my body so many times, were intertwined with mine and it felt familiar and it felt right. It was bringing back lots of warm fuzzy feelings, and my heart was starting to thaw as I remembered just how much this beautiful man sat before me had meant to me in the past. An ache deep in the pit of my stomach reminded me of just how much I’d loved him, and it made me wonder whether I could possibly love him again. Looking deep into those eyes, even though my head was saying no, don’t do it , my heart was saying that I really wanted to try.

More confused than I had ever been before, I told Jamie that I had to go as I had an appointment to get to. I just needed some space to think, to put everything into perspective and try to work out what I really wanted. When we parted, he hugged me close to his chest.

‘There’s never been anyone that’s come close to you, Maddy. Never!’

I had no idea how to answer that. How do you respond to someone who has let you down so badly, but who you loved with everything you had? Did second chances ever really work? There was only one way to find out, but was that a route I wanted to go down? I hadn’t a clue what I wanted right now.

* * *

Early on Tuesday morning, I could hear Skype ringing on my iPad. I clicked on the icon and Alice’s face came into view. She didn’t look happy.

‘Is everything OK, Alice? You look sad. How’s Australia?’

‘Oh, Madison.’ She burst into tears. ‘I have a huge decision to make. Emily and I have had a wonderful time and she’s asked me to come and live with her.’

‘Wow! What an offer! And how do you feel about it?’

‘I love it here, Madison. I’ve never felt more comfortable. Here, I’m Alice, Emily’s sister. I’m not Alice who lost her husband and who everyone feels sorry for. And it feels so very different. I know Des would be encouraging me to stay and have an adventure. But what about my Baxter? I don’t think it would be fair to put him through the trauma of having him flown out here. He’d be so scared and alone, I couldn’t bear to think of him that way. Yet it breaks my heart to think that I’d have to put him up for adoption just for me to have my dream. I love my Baxter so much and I really don’t know what to do. I knew that you’d be a good person to talk all this through with. Emily has never had a dog so she doesn’t understand why this isn’t an easy decision to make. She keeps saying that Baxter is “just a dog!” but he’s not. He’s been my friend and my listening ear. He’s sat by me while my heart has been breaking and he’s helped me to heal. I know he’s only a dog to some people, but he’s the one who came and licked my tears away when he could see I was so desperately sad. He’s the one who sat close to me, giving me comfort when I needed it most. What do I do, Madison? What do I do?

‘And I wanted to ask you whether you might help me to do this if, and it’s a big if, I did decide to do it. There are things that need doing in the house. It’ll need clearing and boxing up. And I wondered whether this is something that you could help me with at all. That way, I wouldn’t have to come back at all. I think it would be worse if I saw Baxter. It would make me feel so guilty and sad. One minute I’ve made up my mind, and the next I’m all of a dither again.’

‘Of course I’ll help if you need me to. It would be my pleasure.’

The pitter-patter of paws could be heard crossing the office floor and two feet followed by another two and a fluffy backside plonked itself onto my lap. As if he had heard his name, Baxter moved towards the screen and sniffed it. I tickled him behind his ears and he gave a little contented doggy groan.

‘Oh my Baxter, my darling beautiful boy. How could I consider doing this?’ Alice was now openly sobbing. Baxter turned round and licked my face and snuggled into my shoulder. God I’d miss this little dude if I had to rehome him. I really would. We’d formed a lovely bond since he’d been staying with me.

An idea was beginning to form in my mind.

‘Alice, you could take this one step at a time, you know.’

She looked at me, puzzled.

‘You could commit to a short period of time, maybe three months or so, and then if it was something you felt you’d made the wrong call on, you could still hop on a plane and come back. You could even rent your house out, instead of selling up; that way you’d always have somewhere to come home to, and it might feel less dramatic than committing to it for ever.’

‘That seems like a good option, I hadn’t even thought of that. In my emotional state all I could really think about was either doing it or not.’

‘Alice, what sort of home do you want for Baxter?’ I asked her as I stroked his head.

‘I just want him to be with someone who has time for him and loves him and will look after him. If I took your suggestion and only went for three months at first, perhaps I could get someone to foster him for me, so I would still have options in the future.’

‘And what if I knew someone who I think would be perfect to foster him? Would you trust my judgement?’

‘I would, Madison. I know we’ve not known each other long, but you know that I believe that people come into your life for a reason. I was there for you when you had your bad redundancy news and needed a friend, and you were able to help me to find a kennel for my boy and now I think you might be the person to help me again. I’ll repay you, my love, I’m so grateful for anything you can do to help. Having no kids means I have no one really to ask. It’s one of the main considerations for coming to live here. I have my sister here. At home, I don’t really have anyone. So do you think you might have someone in mind that might be good for Baxter?’

‘I do! You’re looking at her.’

‘No! You are kidding me. Really? Do you really mean that? You’d have Baxter for me?’

‘I do mean it. If I was to tell you that I have fallen head over heels in love with this furry little fella, would you believe me? He’s my little shadow. I turn around and he’s there all the time. I absolute adore him, Alice. I was getting worried at the thought of you coming back and taking him home, to be honest. I knew how upset I’d be not having him around.’

‘Oh, Maddy, you are my guardian angel! You really are. It breaks my heart to leave him behind, but it wouldn’t be fair to ship him out here on his own. He would hate that, yet this is an offer too good to be true. The weather is fabulous and my gnarly old hands and my achy old joints feel better just for being in the warmth. And I’ve so enjoyed spending time with my sister – it’s made us realise that we don’t want to be apart any longer. She’s got a job here and a life, and I have Baxter and my memories. And I can bring my memories with me. And if you were to have Baxter, it would be absolutely wonderful.’

‘Honestly, Alice, it would be my absolute pleasure. He’s no trouble at all. He’s been such great company for me. Saves me talking to myself. He’s adorable. I’ve always wanted a dog, but it’s never been the right time for me to have one, and I’d always been worried about what would be the right dog for me. I’ve never wanted a puppy, I don’t think I could cope with that, but the time is right now. And I couldn’t be better placed. I’m working at a kennels and I live on a farm. It’s perfect.’

‘Oh, Madison, you’ve taken such a weight off my shoulders, you really have. I was dreading the thought of him going to a family that I didn’t know and never knowing if he was happy, but this way I could still find out how he is.’

‘Of course you can. You can Skype him any time you like. And I promise you that I already do and will continue to love him and will take good care of him. The situation is perfect for us both. And we can talk more in time about the house and the best way to progress that, too. I can keep an eye on things for you from here. Take the pressure off you.’

‘Oh, I’m so happy, Madison. You are amazing. Thank you so very much. I must go and tell Emily this amazing news. Would it be OK if I slept on it for a day or two and let you know for definite? It’s such a huge decision to make and I need to make sure it’s the right one… but you have made all the difference. It seems to me to be the perfect solution. The thought that Baxter could be living with you makes me feel very different about things. Not quite so sad. I know you think the world of him and I know that he loves you too! Thank you, thank you, my sweet girl. Speak very soon.’ The screen went blank and as I closed my laptop, I turned to my little furry friend and stroked his head. His big brown soulful eyes looked deeply into mine and my heart filled with love and excitement at the possibility of having him around permanently.

* * *

Much as I wanted to play it cool and make him suffer a little longer, when Jamie texted me and asked if he could take me out for a meal on Thursday evening, I agreed. However, when Thursday came around, I was in a right old tizzy about what to wear. Did I dress up for him, did I dress up to make myself feel better, or should I just go in my new casual wardrobe? I hadn’t dressed up for a while.

There were two reasons why I’d agreed to meet him at the restaurant that he’d suggested rather than let him pick me up. The first was so that he didn’t come to my home – I was still surprised at how much the barn already felt like home; far more than my flat ever had, and I wasn’t ready to have him in my personal space. The second was so that if I realised that I’d made a bad decision, I could make my excuses and leave. All I had to remember was not to get drunk! I really needed to keep my wits about me and not do anything stupid, so it just seemed like a good idea all round to make my own way there.

Part of me was kicking myself for getting butterflies just knowing that I was going to meet him, and the other half was trying to tell myself to pipe down and stop being ridiculous. It was Jamie and he was the man who had let me down so badly and broke my heart into smithereens. And I’d never forgive him. The only reason I was going was to find out what else he had to say for himself.

So, my decision had been to dress up, but to do it not for him, but for me, to give me the confidence I needed. The dogs didn’t appreciate me making an effort so I didn’t bother much these days and lived in jeans and hoodies, with my hair up in a clip and rarely any make-up, but to my surprise, I was feeling more comfortable in my own skin than ever before without all the decoration that I used to need.

I chose my favourite navy-blue wrap dress that pulled me in and pushed me out in all the right places, along with a pair of red high heels which hurt like hell but looked good, and a linen short jacket. I’d spent hours with my hair in curlers, and I carefully applied my make-up, and my bright crimson lipstick gave the perfect finishing touch and that extra boost of va va voom! It felt good to get dressed up, yet a little fake, considering how I normally spent my days right now. To be totally honest, I felt more comfy in my scruffy clothes and flat shoes, and I never thought for one minute that I’d admit to that. But right now, I needed to feel confident, to make sure I had the upper hand and wasn’t a pushover. As the taxi driver beeped his arrival, I practically fell over in my high heels. It had been weeks since I’d worn this type of shoe, and I felt like I’d already forgotten how to wear them despite, not very long ago, wearing them every single day.

Walking into the restaurant, early of course, I noticed heads turn in my direction, and I smiled coyly at a group of businessmen that I had to walk past to get to the table. When I sat down and flicked my hair seductively, smiling at the men, I felt something that didn’t feel quite right hit me in the side of my face and was completely horrified to discover three fluorescent self-gripping rollers still in my hair and one stuck on the back of my coat. Oh fuck! I was such an idiot.

The waitress came over, noticing my distress, and blocked the way so that I could adjust myself and pull the rollers out. She was so kind and helpful. It brought to mind that saying: ‘Be the woman who fixes another woman’s crown without telling the world that it was crooked’, and I vowed there and then that I wanted to be that woman too and that the next time I saw someone in a position like this, I would do everything I could to help them.

‘Thank you so much…’ I looked at her name badge. ‘Lou. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate this.’

‘You’re grand, hun. You were looking a little flustered there.’ Her gentle, quiet Irish lilt was so calming and I found myself blurting out that I was meeting an ex and was incredibly nervous. I’d been holding it in for so long. I couldn’t tell Beth; she’d kill me. And so would Mum. And to be honest, who knew if anything was going to come of it anyway, so I just felt it was better not to say anything to anyone. Thank goodness Lou let me pour my heart out. ‘Oh god, he’s here!’

‘Hey, I’m just a yell away if you need to escape and I’m very good at accidental-on-purpose spillages, you know!’ She winked as she walked away and Jamie approached the table. I stood to greet him and once more he went for the continental kiss on both cheeks, but I was ready for him this time.

His eyes looked me up and down to make sure I met with his approval and it was as if the years in between had never passed as I remembered that he used to do this all the time.

‘Looking good, babe. Are you having your usual? Glass of bubbly for the lady, please?’ He clicked his fingers at Lou and she raised her eyebrows and looked at me as if to say, Really?

I was also actually a bit annoyed with him for getting straight back into this familiarity, but I breathed deeply and replied, ‘Oh no! That’s not been my usual for a long time. I’ll have a gin and tonic please. Double!’

His eyebrows were the ones that raised this time as Lou came over to take our order. He looked her up and down, appraising her body. I’d forgotten that he did that too. It made me feel really belittled that he didn’t respect me enough to even pretend he wasn’t looking at other women. Perhaps he’d been up to no good behind my back all along and I just hadn’t seen it.

For the first fifteen minutes, he talked about his day, his week, his job, his home and generally his life. Then he mentioned a client that I used to work with who had apparently been asking about me and saying how much they had loved working with me.

The evening went well in the end; the setting was sophisticated and the meal was divine, although a little rich compared to what I was eating these days. I’d have preferred Uncle Tom’s good old pie, homemade chips and gravy to be truthful, and even though the conversation was a bit stilted at first, eventually it became really natural and it felt right to be back in his company once more. He’d been telling me how he’d set up a rival company to Celine’s and that they had a healthy competition going on.

He must have realised that I was quiet while he dominated the conversation, so he asked me what I’d been up to since I’d been made redundant. He’d heard the news from Celine. We caught up on family news and it all started to feel very natural and comfortable, although that could have been the two double gins I’d had working their magic. I made a mental note to make sure I didn’t drink any more! I did notice that Jamie turned his nose up when I told him that I was working at Growlers, helping on the farm and with some of the community.

‘I think if I was you, Maddy, I’d be getting straight back into the PR scene before people turn you away because you’ve been out of it too long. It’s all very well and good wanting to help the “locals” but is that going to keep you in the manner you’ve been living?’ I wondered whether he had a point, even though I was living a much more minimalist life these days and enjoying it.

Looking at my watch, I realised that it was now nearly eleven o’clock and I had to be up and at work at seven thirty the next morning, so I excused myself, thanked him for a lovely evening, kissed him on the cheek and left. As I walked away, I could still smell the same aftershave that he always wore. Whenever I’d smelled that aftershave over the years, it had always made me think of Jamie. The taxi ride home only took fifteen minutes and I think I must have been in a bit of a daydream because I don’t remember an awful lot of the journey. As the taxi pulled up in the farmyard, I looked up at the Grange and noticed a shadow in one of the upstairs spare bedrooms just before the curtains closed. Alex.

I wondered whether he was purposely looking out for me or whether he just happened to be looking out and closing the curtains at that time. Maybe it was wishful thinking on my part, thinking how nice it would have been to have someone looking out for me after being on my own for such a long time. It wouldn’t be long now before he went back to his beautiful girlfriend and his wonderful life in the US, and that thought made me sad.

* * *

The following morning, I couldn’t concentrate on a thing at work. At one point, Uncle Tom really shouted at me to get my attention as I’d been in a deep daydream imagining being back together with Jamie, lying on a beach in the Caribbean, holding hands.

Uncle Tom and I were trying to move all the kennel space around because we’d had another enquiry from someone who had to go into hospital as an emergency, but much as we tried to accommodate everyone, when we worked out all the comings and goings, it couldn’t be done. We already had ten dogs and we only had ten kennels. We couldn’t double up; it wouldn’t be fair on anyone. Then an idea came to me.

‘Uncle Tom, how about if Baxter came to stay with me now in the barn while we’re waiting for Alice to make her decision? He could come over here with me in the daytime and I could take him home in the evenings. He’s hardly in his kennel in the daytime anyway when I’m in the office as he just comes to sit under my feet, and he always wants to come out to the field when I take the dogs out too. And that way, it would cut down on costs for Alice but you wouldn’t be losing out because you have the new dog.’

‘What a brilliant idea, Maddy. Why didn’t I think of that? It’s perfect and he’d be lovely company for you over there. I know you’re OK but I’d love you to have someone to chat to, even if he is a big furry daftie. And it’ll give you a proper test run as a dog owner too. It’s a huge commitment and I know that you’re keen, but in reality it might not be all it’s cracked up to be for you.’

But it felt like a really good decision. I immediately messaged Alice just to double check that it was OK with her. She came straight back to say that she couldn’t be happier and that although she knew Baxter was well looked after in the kennels, she also knew that he’d be much happier in a proper home with me. I was also really excited. I’d always wanted a dog but it was a huge commitment to take on and Jamie had never allowed it, in our pristine apartment with its clinical white furniture. I had thought about it after Jamie moved out, but decided against it. Not quite so daunting I suppose, if you were a family and there were more of you to take on the walking and feeding and looking after, and to juggle everything, but when there was just you, it was literally just all down to you. This way, perhaps it would give me a taste of how having a dog would fit into my life.

Baxter seemed very happy when I brought his bed over to the barn after work and had a good old sniff around before weeing up one of the kitchen cupboards. I’d half expected it as Uncle Tom said that male dogs did this sometimes, so I disinfected and hoped it would be the only time he did it.

My phone pinged and my heart did a little flip when I saw that there was a text from the man himself.

Babe, really enjoyed last night. What are you doing next Tuesday night? Remember I told you that Geoff from Faith and Co had been asking about you? Well you’ll never believe it, but I bumped into him this morning in town and I said that we were back in touch and he asked whether we’d both like to go out for a meal with him. I’d love you to come, Maddy. What do you think?x

Playing it cool, I left it for over an hour and thirty minutes to respond, not wanting to play into his hands and reply straight away. A whole hour and thirty minutes.

I’ll have to check my diary later, but if I’m free, that would be nice. Let me know where and when and I’ll let you know as soon as I’m able to get to my diary.

Obviously, I knew I was free. I was always free these days. And if not, I was at Mum’s or sat propped up in bed next to Beth watching TV or out and about being a do-gooder in the local community. How had my life changed so much in the space of just a few weeks? Life up until recently was full of trendy bar and restaurant launches, theatre performances to review, goody bags galore full of the latest anti-ageing beauty and make-up products, which promised to knock years off you but never actually worked, and fragrances to make you irresistible to the opposite sex. My bathroom cabinet was stocked to the brim with so much stuff that I’d never use.

It was hard to see at the time that these were all work events and that if it wasn’t for work I wouldn’t have had a social life at all, or any friends. I thought the people I worked with were friends, but when it came down to it, they were just colleagues who didn’t care about me at all once I’d gone. Not like Beth; she was a true friend.

I hated to see her so down at the moment. I knew it wouldn’t be forever but she was so fed up with not being able to get up and about as much as she could before without the use of crutches. Hopefully when she started her physio sessions soon, it would see her on the mend and recuperating fully. I decided that perhaps I should pop over and see her later; even if we just watched TV together, it was company for her.

Although I lived on a farm, it was still nice to get out and about, so I decided to take Baxter for a walk in the forest. The rattle of his lead alerted him to the fact that he was going out for a walk and he bounced up and down on his back legs in excitement. Dogs were simple creatures and just wanted to be fed, loved and walked. Maybe a belly rub every now and again. I didn’t think I wanted much more than that these days, to tell the truth.

I chatted along to Baxter as we drove along. I was sure people might think I was loopy, however I presumed other dog parents did this too. It was a beautifully sunny day, although still a little nippy out of the sun, and I was glad that these days I always left a lightweight body warmer in the back of the car. I was constantly in jeans and hoody tops these days instead of smart suits, and I was never caught out without one pocket full of dog treats and the other full of poo bags. Oh the glamour!

The forest was quiet as we got out of the car and we walked for miles. As we headed up an incline, deep into the forest, I stopped to take photos on my phone every so often so that I could show Alice just how fine Baxter was. The light was shining through the tall trees and the photos looked gorgeous. I chatted away to him, inane rubbish, taking in the stunning countryside around me; something I’d not really noticed for a long time.

From the higher ground, you could see for miles. I supposed when you worked all the time and had a company car, there was no need to walk anywhere so you missed out on lots of beautiful things along the way. I’d not been a good sleeper for years but I already knew that the fresh air I was getting from playing with the dogs at work, and getting out into the allotment when I could, was definitely helping me sleep better at night.

There was a memorial bench at the end of a tree-lined avenue, so I decided to take a break and got a bottle of water out of my rucksack with a pop-up bowl and gave Baxter a drink. He was panting like crazy.

The bench had an inscription on it. I ran my hands over the brass plate as I read the words:

Christine Robinson 1936–2006

Beloved mother and wife.

Missed every day. Forever in our hearts.

I wondered about Christine Robinson, who she was and what sort of a person she’d been. It sounded like her family adored her and I felt quite sad thinking that I’d lost a chance at being a mum and might never get the chance again.

I closed my eyes and lifted my head to the sun while I thought about her. Footsteps brought me back to the present and Baxter started to bark lightly. A pretty thirty-something lady and her dog were walking over to the bench.

‘May I join you?’

‘Of course.’ I shuffled across to make some room, and I stroked Baxter who went up to the lovely Labradoodle and sniffed his bum.

‘Beautiful day, isn’t it?’ She smiled at the dogs. ‘Good job people don’t behave like that, isn’t it?’

‘It sure is. Breaks the ice though, I suppose.’ We both laughed.

‘I was just sitting here wondering about the lady who the bench is dedicated to.’

‘Well, I might be able to clear that up for you. Christine Robinson was the loveliest lady you could ever imagine.’

‘Oh wow! You knew her?’ Madison asked.

‘My mum.’

I really didn’t know what to say, and there was a long pause before she spoke again. ‘I like to walk my dog Becks and come and sit on this bench and chat away to her when I need to be close to her.’

‘Oh, I’m so sorry. Let me go and leave you to it.’

‘No, please don’t. Do stay. We had a bench put here so that other people could enjoy it too. I’m a big believer in everything happening for a reason, and there must be a reason why you are here on the bench today, and you look a bit sad, if you don’t mind me saying. Sorry, I’m very forward, aren’t I? My ex-husband always used to say that I’m way too overfamiliar with people I’ve just met. Good job my second husband doesn’t feel the same way. I’m Grace, by the way. And this is Becks.’

‘Maddy, and my buddy Baxter. It’s nice to meet you, Grace.’

‘You too, Maddy, and I do hope I haven’t offended you by saying that you looked sad.’

‘No, not at all. I just have a lot on my mind, to be honest.’

‘Want to talk about it? Or would you rather not?’

‘I’ve met up with my ex recently, and he wants us to get back together, both at work and at home.’

‘And what is your heart telling you to do?’

Breathing deeply, I sighed. ‘I really don’t know.’

‘Well, my lovely mum always used to say that if you weren’t sure of what to do, then you should do nothing and eventually the answer would come to you. When it feels right. If it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it. She always said that anything you have to wait for is worth waiting for, if it’s meant to be.’

‘My mum said exactly the same thing. Sounds like your mum was a very wise lady, Grace. I’m sorry she’s not around any more.’

‘Oh, she’s always around me, Maddy. In the whispering trees, in the fragrance that comes from nowhere, in the smile of my boy Archie, the twinkle of my daughter Meredith’s eyes. I know she’s always around me and that’s such a comfort.’

‘Well, I think that’s just beautiful, Grace. What a lovely way to remember her. And what you said before about doing nothing until you have the answer that feels right is exactly what I needed to hear right now. You sound like you have experience in making decisions like this.’

‘Oh, I do, indeed. I had to choose between going back to my cheating ex-husband, which would have rebuilt our family and made my son happy, or making a new life with someone I didn’t know very well. As I mentioned earlier, I’m married to my second husband now, and we have a daughter, so you know how that worked out – although it was a really hard decision. I am of the opinion, though, that leopards don’t change their spots. But that’s just me. Who knows what your future holds? All I know is that everyone deserves to be happy in what they do and who they are with. I’m not sure if that’s helped or not.’ She laughed.

‘It’s certainly given me more to think about. Thank you, Grace. I’m going to leave you in peace now to chat to your mum. Thank you for your help.’

‘See, I told you; there’s always a reason that people meet. I wish you well in making your decision, Maddy. If you are ever over in Little Ollington, perhaps we’ll bump into each other.’

‘Little Ollington! That’s the second time recently I’ve heard someone mention that village. A friend of mine who is helping me with my allotment mentioned a friend of his who lives there who studied horticulture and said he might be able to help too.’

‘Little Ollington is only small. And I just happen to be married to a landscape gardener who studied horticulture.’

‘He wouldn’t be called Vinnie by any chance, would he?’

She laughed. ‘He would, indeed!’

‘Wow, isn’t it a small world? What a coincidence.’

‘You could say that. To be honest, I’m a big believer that there’s no such thing as a coincidence in life. I told you, everything happens for a reason.’ She reached in her back pocket and pulled out a business card with her husband’s business details on it and handed it to me. ‘Give him a call. If you tell him that you met me here, I’m sure he’ll come over and do a free consultation for you. If he does, perhaps I can pop over with him too and you can update me on your situation.’

‘That would be so fab, Grace. I have a feeling you and I would never stop talking! I’ll give him a call and sort something out. Thank you so much. Now I really am going. Enjoy your chat with your mum.’

Grace smiled at me kindly, and Baxter and I made our way back into the forest.

As I walked back along the forest path, I realised that since I’d left work, I’d made more new friends than I had for years. I used to call the people I worked with my friends, but were they really? Drinks in the pub after work, and me being the one who was always relied on to do a birthday whip round, but where were they when I was desperately low after I’d been made redundant? I didn’t even get a measly card, and not one of them had picked up the phone to see how I was. The people I’d met since I’d left had been way more genuine; Rebecca and now Grace. Caring people that I could see myself being friends with, in time. How lovely.

Baxter was properly frolicking in the long grass, alternating between jumping over the heather, which was starting to flower, and stooping low to stalk a bird. I stopped to take lots more photos. I had decided that I was going to put a book together to send over to Alice in Australia as a surprise, and to keep Baxter in her thoughts so that she could rest assured, knowing that he was having such fun.

Suddenly I realised something really important. I could feel myself grinning and my heart felt full. Which meant that I was happy. What I was doing now was so simple but it was absolutely filling my heart with joy. I’d put thoughts of Jamie to one side for now. Like Grace’s mum said, I now felt sure that it would sort itself and worrying about it constantly wasn’t helping my state of mind at all.

When Beth was in hospital and she had asked me what made me happy, at that time, I’d had no idea. But now I felt like I was really coming into my own.

Once more, it made me realise that it was the simple things in life that made me happy, like being surrounded by stunning countryside views, enjoying the warm sun on my face and watching squirrels chasing each other, scampering up and down the tree trunks, Baxter barking his head off at them in the hope that he might catch one, not realising that they were way too fast for him. It was watching him having fun, and seeing the other people in my life enjoying themselves that brought me joy. Working at doggy daycare was wonderful. And I was loving spending small pockets of time here and there on the allotment too. I was enjoying my life.

Chatting with Grace today had really helped me to find some clarity in my life. It was time to stop stressing and let life take its course. There was no need to rush, to find another job in the corporate world for a while until I was really sure that was what I wanted to do. My redundancy money would see me through for a bit and the doggy daycare wages helped too.

For the first time in a very long time, I felt at peace.

* * *

After tramping around the countryside for a good hour and a half, we headed home to the barn. The fresh air must have worn us out as Baxter curled up beside me on the sofa and we both had a little snooze.

When I woke, I decided that I couldn’t sit lazing around for the rest of the day, so I grabbed my shopping list from the noticeboard on the side of the fridge and decided to take off to the retail park. There were some bits and pieces I needed to get and I wanted some new pictures to go on the walls. The wall art I had brought from the flat wasn’t right for here and I was looking forward to making it even more homely. I left some treats for Baxter and patted him on the head, telling him I wouldn’t be too long. He curled up in his basket and looked sad, which made me feel really guilty. He had a real gift for making me feel bad when I went out without him. Those big brown eyes were so sad at times.

Wandering around the aisles of the big hardware store, looking for something to hang pictures with, I banged into a shopping trolley. A smile greeted me and I grinned back as I realised my trolley sparring partner was my mother’s new acquaintance.

‘Hi, Edward, nice to see you. How are you?’

‘Hello, my dear. I’m great thanks, how about you? How’s your day been?’

‘Well, it’s been OK, so far. I was at work this morning, then we went for a big walk in the forest, then had a little snooze and I thought I’d better make an effort to get some stuff for my new home.’

‘Ah, that’s good to hear. Have you managed to get what you wanted?’

‘I’ve bought some lovely pictures and need some things to hang them with now, but I’m at a bit of a loss, to be honest. I’ve always been the type to just bang a nail in a wall and hang a picture precariously, and move it around until it looks straight enough, but I’m told that they need to be done properly because the walls are so old. All suggestions most welcome.’ I laughed.

‘Now this is an area I do know about. I’m a little bit obsessive about things like this, so I can definitely point you in the right direction. I’m presuming you have a small hammer in your toolbox? And a spirit level, obviously?’

I looked at him blankly and then laughed. ‘Erm… toolbox? What’s one of those?’

‘Oh, goodness me, Madison.’ He shook his head, grinning at me, dumped his trolley and linked his arm in mine. ‘Come on. We need to start right at the beginning, don’t we?’

Edward and I wandered around the store, chattering away comfortably to each other. He was so easy to pass the time of day with and he advised me on the best things to get to start myself off with a small toolbox and with hanging hooks and wire, and he told me exactly what to do to put my pictures up.

‘You know, if you’re struggling, I could always pop over with your mum one day and help you.’

‘Oh, that’s so kind of you, Edward. I’ll see how I get on, and if I’m struggling, I’ll put an emergency call out to you. I’ll bake you a cake to say thank you.’

‘Ooh, I’ll do anything for a Victoria sponge these days.’ He patted his belly gently. ‘Although I probably shouldn’t.’

I grinned at him. A month ago, I hadn’t baked a cake for years, and now apparently I felt confident offering my culinary efforts as a thank you. How times had changed.

We walked out to the car park together and he helped me to load my shopping into the car.

‘How lovely to bump into you, my dear. I do hope to see you soon, and remember that offer. I’ll do anything for cake!’ He winked and kissed my cheek as he walked back towards his car.

As I drove back to the barn, I thought about how well matched he and my mum were, and I hoped so much that this was going to work out for them and be something really special. She certainly deserved some love in her life and he was perfect for her. I really liked him and hoped that after everything that had happened with my father – and with Mum choosing to wait until someone really exceptional came into her life – Edward was everything that he appeared to be.