Chapter 17
17
After playing it cool for a few days, I now found myself on a Tuesday evening, after a busy day at Growlers, sitting across a table from Geoff from Faith and Co, and his wife Libby, next to Jamie, who was looking deliciously dapper this evening in a dark suit and a black open-necked shirt, and who smelled divine. He had booked a table in the same restaurant we went to last week on the outskirts of Birmingham, and I saw Lou, the waitress from the other evening, behind the bar. Jamie had arranged for a car to pick me up from home; I’d given in and told him where I was living but as he was sending a car rather than coming to pick me up himself, I didn’t see it as a problem.
It was actually really nice to see Geoff; he and I had always got on like a house on fire, and after lots of general chit chat he asked me my opinion about how working with a PR agency could help him to get more exposure. I’d had a couple of huge glasses of Pinot Grigio by this stage and the drink must have loosened my tongue and my brain, and I came out with a ton of PR and marketing ideas. Once I started, the ideas wouldn’t stop coming, and Jamie seemed delighted and had even been making notes on a napkin.
‘I bet you’ve missed all this brainstorming, haven’t you, Madison? You’re so good at it! Do you know, Jamie, you should be offering her a job with your company. Celine was a fool to let her go.’
‘I’d take her on tomorrow if she’d consider it, but I don’t think she’s in the right place at the moment. I’d love to be working alongside her. We’d make an awesome team both at work and at home. Maybe one day soon she’ll consider that.’ He took my hand and intertwined his fingers with mine. It was a little embarrassing to be honest, so I pulled my hand away and lifted my wine glass.
My mind started working overtime and I wondered whether this was the real reason that he’d got back in touch with me. If he offered me a job, then I’d be able to stop thinking twice every time I spent any money. I had what was left of my redundancy money after I’d bought the necessities I needed, but I’d put that in a savings account, not knowing how long I was going to be out of work for, and was being particularly frugal at every opportunity. But was he doing it because he loved me, like he said, or because he needed me in his business and was trying to butter me up?
I suddenly sobered up and became a little guarded with what I was saying. My intuition was telling me something here; I just needed to work out what.
I excused myself to go to the ladies’, and to have a moment to myself to think. I was trying to work out whether he would stoop this low. When I came out, Lou was standing waiting for me.
‘I hate to tell you this, and I’m only telling you because my ex-husband was a serial cheater, but your ex has just slipped me his card and told me to give him a call if I’m ever at a loose end. You seem like a really nice lady and I hate to see people being taken advantage of. I really hope you don’t mind that I’ve told you.’
‘Bloody bastard! I should have known. What do I do now?’
‘Why don’t you wait here a little bit, then go back and tell him you’ve been sick and have to go? You could say you’ve eaten something dodgy. Come back in here tomorrow and have a coffee with me if you like and we can have a chat and see how we can pay him back. I could be a honey trap for you.’ She laughed but I thought that it might not be such a crazy idea after all.
When I got back to the table, Jamie couldn’t have been more attentive and I found it hard to believe what Lou had told me. Perhaps she wasn’t the lovely lady that I thought she was and was just one of those people who caused trouble, and just wanted him for herself, so I stayed until the end of the meal and avoided making eye contact with Lou for the rest of the evening. She must have been completely wrong about him.
Geoff was quizzing me towards the end of the evening, asking how much I missed my old job, and how much it would take for someone to poach me back into that old world. Whilst I was loving working at Growlers, I knew I couldn’t stay forever, as Beth would soon be on the mend.
‘Yes, it’s about time you stopped fannying around at that daft doggy daycare and with your little community projects and started doing something worthwhile, darling. We need to get you a proper job again, back in the real world. We could get you booked back into that hairdressers and beauty parlour and get you looking like yourself again, get some of that glamour back.’ Jamie laughed and Geoff joined in.
‘How does ￡50k a year and a company Jag sound to you, Madison? Something to get you thinking, maybe?’ Geoff passed me his card and it certainly did sound appealing. ‘Make sure you call me if you like the sound of that deal. OK, that’s enough work talk for tonight, folks, let me tell you about the fabulous holiday to Bali that we’re going on next week.’
The rest of the evening was lovely and the meal and wine had made me feel mellow, so when Jamie called up his driver and asked him to drop me off first, I didn’t even think about the fact that he’d be coming in the car to the farm. I didn’t make eye contact with Lou as we left. Jamie put his arm around me in the back of the car and I snuggled into him. We had always been a perfect fit and it felt so right to be back in his arms. I must have dozed off, because the driver coughed and brought me back to the present as we pulled up outside the Grange.
Jamie walked me to the front door. ‘Shall I tell the driver to come back later, or maybe even tomorrow?’
Above his head, the stars looked like a net of fairy lights, and above the farmhouse shone the brightest star in the sky. We always said that the brightest star was Aunty Jen keeping watch over her family, and I still believed it now. At the front of the farmhouse was a duck pond, and not long after Aunty Jen had passed away, Uncle Tom had bought a bench and placed it next to the pond. It was where he said he could go and chat to Aunty Jen when he needed to feel close to her and when he missed her most. It made me think of that lovely lady Grace who I’d met on my walk in the forest and her mum.
I shivered as I had the feeling that I was being watched. My eye was drawn to that upstairs window where, once again, I saw a shadow step back from the curtains, but it was definitely there. Was it Alex again?
‘I’m tired, Jamie, so I’m going to say goodnight.’
‘Oh, babe. My poor wounded heart.’
I swallowed down the words that I wanted to say. It was my heart that had been wounded by him , and it was still very delicate and I was treating it with kid gloves.
‘Goodnight, Jamie, thank you for a lovely evening. See you soon.’ I leaned forward to kiss his cheek, but he moved his head and before I knew it, his soft lips touched mine. I melted into his arms, and as he kissed me, his tongue flicked across my lips, which I kept tightly closed. I wasn’t quite ready for that.
‘I can’t tell you how much I’ve missed you, Maddy; it feels so right to be with you again. Please tell me that you’ll consider us getting back together. I want us to be a couple again. I want that more than anything and I hope you do too.’ His hands wound their way into my hair and began to stroke my neck. I leaned into his hand, that familiar touch that he knew I loved. ‘I could stay with you tonight. We don’t have to do anything. I could just hold you.’ That old chestnut; I’d definitely heard that before.
My eyes were drawn to the curtains in that upstairs window which swiftly shut and brought me back to my senses.
‘Goodnight, Jamie.’ It took all the willpower in the world to walk through my front door that night and not look back.
* * *
Being greeted at the door by Baxter that night I think was one of the best things in the world. He was so uncomplicated, adorable and fussy. He loved me for who I was. He didn’t care about anything apart from me. When I headed up to bed, he was right by my side, even sitting at the bathroom door while I went to the loo and brushed my teeth. He seemed to sense that I needed some calm in my life right now and when I got under the duvet, he snuggled right into me and I was soon hearing sweet little doggy snores.
* * *
It seemed like there was only Russell and me at work the following morning. Uncle Tom and Alex were nowhere to be seen and we were rushed off our feet with viewings as it was getting to the end of the summer and people were booking last-minute holidays and wanted to check out where they were leaving their precious furry friends. Just before midday, Uncle Tom came over with two steaming mugs of coffee for us and told us to take a breather.
‘So sorry to leave you in the lurch this morning, guys. Had to drop Alex off at the airport. Not sure why, but he decided to book a flight back to America late last night and he left this morning. Something must have rattled his cage but he wouldn’t say what. He must have had a call from Sophie or something last night.’
Alex leaving made me feel incredibly sad. I loved being around him. Even now I’d got my head round the fact that he’d never be mine, I still loved being in his company. Bloody Sophie didn’t realise how lucky she was.
* * *
My phone pinged two days later with a text from Jamie asking if I’d like to go out for dinner again soon. I knew that I needed cheering up, and he may as well be the one to do it. Alex and I would never be together, but it didn’t stop me missing him being around.
I was in two minds about another night out with Jamie. Up until recently, it had been a while since I’d been wined and dined at posh restaurants like we used to visit all the time, and even though I didn’t think I was missing that old life, it was nice to be spoiled when we went out recently. Yet there was also a little niggle in the back of my mind about what Lou said to me at the restaurant. Would I ever be able to trust Jamie again? I suppose there was really only one way to find out.
* * *
I was flicking through the channels on the TV and there wasn’t a fat lot that I fancied watching, so I snuggled up on the sofa with a book. I really had become a big bookworm since my visit to the library and Amazon’s biggest customer of late. Even the local delivery guy knew me by my first name now and found it highly amusing when he delivered yet another book-shaped parcel. Two seconds later, I felt a warm, furry body press itself into mine and Baxter had climbed onto the settee commando-style without me even noticing and had snuggled up against me. He couldn’t have got closer if he’d tried. I stroked his head and we settled down, and within seconds he was snoring gently. He seemed quite content. The next time I looked round at him, he was lying upside down with his tongue hanging out and his dangly bits on display for all the world to see. I rubbed his tummy and I’m sure he smiled at me. He really was a delight and I could see that we were going to be the best of friends. When it came to bedtime, he looked at me sadly as I left him in the kitchen, telling him to be a good boy and go to sleep. I woke in the middle of the night to whining and padded downstairs in my slippers and dressing gown to see if he was OK. Letting him out for a wee seemed to do the trick but before I could turn the key in the lock afterwards, he’d shot up the stairs and had plonked himself on the corner of the bed by the time I got up there. ‘You are a funny little thing, aren’t you?’ I said to him as I stroked his head, and I’m sure he winked at me. We both settled down to sleep and the next thing I knew it was eight o’clock the following morning and I’d slept longer than I’d slept for weeks. Good job it was Saturday.
A text came in from Jamie asking if he could come over as he had a proposition for me and it couldn’t wait until we met for dinner. Mmmm! This really got me wondering what on earth he wanted to talk to me about that he couldn’t have brought up at dinner. I was still mulling over Geoff’s job offer too. Although I realised Jamie was being deliberately vague so I would agree to see him to find out what he meant, I was intrigued, despite myself. I told him that I could be free at twelve thirty, once the dogs were all settled for a lunchtime nap.
Jamie pulled up into the yard in his perfectly polished dark green Aston Martin DB9, and I stood at the door and waited for him. As he walked towards me, he was looking suave, in smart jeans and a blazer, clean-shaven and as handsome as ever. Baxter tried to jump up at him as he came in and he turned his nose up and shoved him away. I understood that he probably didn’t want dog hairs all over his nice clothes and explained that I was just looking after him for a friend when Jamie questioned why I’d been stupid enough to get a dog. I’m not sure why I’d slipped back into my old ways of making him hear what he wanted to hear, instead of just admitting the truth.
Baxter barked as if to get our attention, and as we turned to look at him, the little monkey ran over to Jamie’s car and seemed to grin at us as he cocked his leg up the passenger side front wheel. I couldn’t help but smirk when Jamie tried unsuccessfully to shoo him away – nothing was putting Baxter off the longest wee I think he’d ever had.
After much cajoling to get Baxter back to me, we retreated to the barn. It felt a bit weird having Jamie in my personal space, which was strange, as I hadn’t felt that at all when Baxter moved in.
I invited him to take a seat at the dining room table, not wanting to be too informal and certainly not wanting to end up sitting on a settee next to him. Curious as to what he was going to say, I purposely asked him if he preferred tea or coffee and how he took it when he chose tea. I didn’t want him to think that I still remembered every little thing about him. I cupped my hands around my steaming mug of coffee as they were shaking.
‘Madison. I’m just going to say what’s on my mind, if that’s OK.’ He started before I’d even acknowledged with a yes or a no, as usual so confident that I wouldn’t question a word that he said. ‘When Geoff offered you a job the other night, it was like a light bulb went off in my brain. I know I’d joked about it earlier in the evening, but it made me realise that you and I should be working together. We are awesome together, we always have been, and just the ideas that you were coming up with when we were chatting were amazing and I’ve not been able to stop thinking about it since. I’ll match what Geoff offered you financially, and you can come back when you’re ready and even do some work here part-time in the meantime if you want to until Beth is ready to come back full time.
‘We can get you booked into the hairdressers and get that dreadful hair sorted out.’
I put my hand up to my hair. These days, I let it dry naturally and it went quite wavy, but I actually liked it. It probably did look a mess compared with how it used to be. When I was with Jamie, it was permanently pulled back into a tidy but severe bun, which actually used to give me a headache and I couldn’t wait to shake it loose at the end of the day.
‘Then we’ll book you into a beautician and get your hands and feet sorted out. I’ve never seen you before without polish on your nails. I can’t see your feet when you are in those clodhoppy boots, but the Maddy standing before me today is just not the Maddy I know and love. We definitely need to get that sorted out before we put you in front of customers. And the clothes. Er… wow! Where to start? Obviously, we need to get you back into wearing those smart suits that you used to wear. I presume you still have them. You might think you are rocking the wax dungarees babe’ – he looked me up and down and shook his head – ‘but I have to honest with you – they really need to go.’
For once, I was speechless. He was on a roll and he wasn’t stopping now.
‘You don’t have to give me an answer straight away, but all I will ask is that you promise me you’ll seriously think about it. Imagine, darling, we could work hard and play hard but we’d be doing it together. You could even work on Geoff’s account, that would soften the blow for him and I’m sure he’d be fine with that. And we could have all our wonderful things again.’
He waved his arms around at my surroundings and smirked. ‘You wouldn’t have to live in this dingy place on a smelly farm. We could get another swanky apartment in town together and we could have all of those amazing holidays that we used to have too. Please, Maddy, just think about it. Promise me that much.’
Totally stunned by his offer in many ways, I really didn’t know what to say. He was criticising me, yet giving me a backhanded compliment at the same time. He’d also still not mentioned the miscarriage. It was almost like he’d completely forgotten it had ever happened, but it was something that would stay with me forever. I really wasn’t sure what to think, and more than that, what to do. Jamie stood and walked around the table. Standing over me, he reached out to put his finger on my lips.
‘I know! Exciting, isn’t it!’ He obviously took my silence for excitement. ‘Don’t say a word, just think about it. You know I’m right and all you have to do is say the word and we can get you out of this dreadful place and this dead-end job and back where you belong, in a life of luxury.’ He kissed the top of my head and left as quickly as he had arrived, not even touching the drink I’d made him. He sneered at Baxter, who uncharacteristically growled at him, and then snapped at his ankles as he walked past him. Jamie kicked out at him, missing him by mere inches, and Baxter whimpered and ran off to his basket. ‘That’s how you teach dogs who the boss is.’ He grinned as he walked towards his car, got in and then drove off without a backward glance. I couldn’t believe that hour had just happened.
I was stunned by his offer. I hadn’t seen it coming and my thoughts were all over the place. I didn’t know what would happen between Jamie and me on a personal basis yet, let alone if we worked together. It could be inviting trouble. I supposed there was no harm in thinking about it, like he said. And we did have a lovely life together… and lovely holidays. Seeing him after all this time had confused me even more. I didn’t know how I felt about him; did I really want to go back to that life?
Could I ever forgive him? Could I ever forget what he’d done and how he had just seemed to cast aside one of the most important things in my life? And it wasn’t until now that I realised that he was really rather critical of me and seemed to want to turn me into someone that I’m not.
There was also the fact that I was really loving my life these days, even though I was on my own. I adored working at Growlers, so much more than I had ever thought I would. I was really enjoying looking after Baxter and having a dog in my home, and Rebecca and I had made arrangements to cover Beth’s shifts for the next few weeks and then to get some of my own when she was back, because she knew how much I’d enjoyed that whole sense of community spirit.
When I’d explained that I was also looking after Baxter, she said that I might be able to take him along to some of the visits I did because animals, particularly dogs, were excellent therapy for the elderly and for less able-bodied people that they had signed up to their projects. There were also families that had been rehomed and troubled children using the programmes. Rebecca said that sometimes children reacted better to animals than they did to adults and might open up more if they were comforting a dog. Apparently studies had shown that stroking a dog was good for lowering blood pressure, lowering stress levels and helping your body to release a relaxation hormone.
She thought it would be a great idea to trial doggy visits and we arranged for her to pop over and meet Baxter. I was really excited by this thought and couldn’t wait to start experimenting with my little fur buddy. Even though I was really excited about all of this, I would really need to think hard about Jamie’s proposition and my future.
* * *
Thinking about nothing else but Jamie’s proposition, I was unable to sleep properly for the next three days and had a constant headache. Without Alex around, I was doing full time at Growlers, and with Uncle Tom so busy on the farm, we were rushed off our feet. I hadn’t even seen Beth for two days. If truth be told, I was a bit scared that she’d see straight through me and know that there was something on my mind. Jamie was taking me out again tomorrow night and I knew he’d want to talk about his offer.
It was typical; just as I was starting to get my life together again after the awful redundancy shock and things had started to settle down, Jamie was back in my life, turning everything upside down again. I needed to talk things through with someone, but that person couldn’t be Beth because I knew that in the past she had such fixed ideas about Jamie; I didn’t feel that she was the right person to go to now. I needed to pop to the village store for a few bits and pieces so I’d do that and then pop in to surprise Mum on the way back and see whether she could offer me some good old impartial Mum advice. She didn’t dislike Jamie when we were together, but she did once tell me that she thought he had taken me away from spending time with her, because he wanted me all to himself.
A silver Mercedes C-Class was parked on her drive, and as I walked through the front door and down the hallway, I could hear laughter coming from the kitchen.
‘Hellooooo!’ I called ahead loudly to make sure they knew I was there. If it was who I had a feeling it might be, I’d hate to walk in on anything untoward.
Poking my head gingerly round the kitchen door, I was delighted to see my mother fully clothed sitting with Edward at the kitchen table, also dressed, with his hands cradling a mug.
‘Hello, dear, what a surprise to see you. Are you OK?’
Mum did actually look a little flushed, but I presumed that was down to the fact that I’d caught her with her man friend again.
‘What are you doing here, darling? Anything in particular, or just a pop in?’
‘Well, I had a couple of things that I wanted to chat to you about, but I can come back another time. It’s not urgent. I’ll head off and ring you later.’
‘Oh, I’ll go, shall I? Leave you ladies to talk.’
‘No, Edward, you were here before me, I’m sorry to interrupt.’
‘Not interrupting anything, my dear, come and sit. Your mother talks about you constantly and I’d love to get to know you a little better.’ He patted the seat beside him. I looked over at Mum and she was rubbing her neck, a habit of hers that she had when she was feeling nervous. I did exactly the same too and we’d always had the nature/nurture debate about it and whether it was because I’d seen her do it so many times, so had naturally learned to do it too, or whether it was part of my genes.
‘I’ll put the kettle on again then, shall I?’ she questioned.
‘If you’re sure – it’s not a problem to come back.’
‘No, you’re here now, so you may as well stay. Is everything OK?’
A single tear rolled down my cheek.
Mum was at my side immediately, her arm around my shoulders. ‘Darling, what on earth is it?’
‘Jamie’s back, Mum.’
‘Oh dear!’ She looked across at Edward and pulled a face, and he excused himself to go to the toilet. I’m sure he was just giving us a little bit of time.
‘And what has he said to you to get you in this state?’
‘He says he loves me and he’s missed me and that he’s sorry and that he wants me back. And I don’t know what to do.’
She wrapped her arms around me. Whenever I was upset, she made everything feel a million times better just with one of her hugs.
She broke away as Edward came back into the room. ‘Perhaps we need something a little stronger than tea!’ She reached to the top shelf of the Welsh dresser by the back door and pulled down a bottle of gin and grinned at me.
‘Edward, you’ll join us for a little one? Madison has man problems.’
He walked past me, gently resting his hands on my shoulders for just a short moment. It was a very reassuring, kind gesture and I felt a little of the pressure leave my body through his hands. ‘Just a very small one for me, as I’m driving later.’ He smiled at Mum.
‘Oh gosh yes, me too, I have to drive home. Perhaps I’d better not.’
‘Nonsense, darling, you can get a taxi back to the farm or walk, or you can stop here. You know that we’ve always had the biggest discussions in our life over a gin and tonic. There’s nothing that a good chat with your old mum and a gin and tonic can’t sort out. Isn’t that right?’
‘You’re right. I’m so sorry, I wasn’t planning on spoiling your afternoon though, Edward.’
‘Honestly, Madison, you’re not spoiling anything as far as I’m concerned. We were only sitting chatting. You never know, maybe I could give you the man’s perspective on the situation. And I can even be a taxi driver later and run you home if you fancy another G perhaps she’d been a bit heavy-handed with the Bombay Sapphire. She stared at Edward as if seeing him for the first time. She couldn’t take her eyes off him. I think she liked him an awful lot and I really hoped that for the first time in many years, she’d found someone that she might make a future with, someone who would spend the rest of his life making her happy. There had obviously been something between them when they were at school and it was nice that they were rekindling an old friendship, whatever it might lead to in the future.
She deserved happiness with someone after all these years of being alone. If I ever met my dad, there would always be a little bit of me that would want to wring his neck for putting my mum through what he did. In my head, I’d definitely given him a piece of my mind many a time. Shame it was only in my head.
‘What do you think, Mum?’
‘To be honest, darling, I was going to say stay away from him. He hurt you so much and as your mum, the last thing you want to see is your child being distressed, but perhaps Edward is right. Perhaps if you don’t try, you’ll never know if someone has changed, or whether you want to be with them.’
Mum somehow, in her tiddly state, managed to put some nibbles together to soak up the gin, although Edward did make her sit down at one point and took over, as she was getting a little lairy, waving a knife around as she was talking to us. I asked Edward if his offer of a lift home still stood. Even though I hadn’t made any decisions about the Jamie situation, it really had helped to talk about it.
When I got in the passenger seat of his car, Edward smiled at me and we chatted amiably for the journey. He was so easy to talk to. I could definitely see why Mum liked him.
When we arrived at Giddywell Grange, he said how lovely the barn was and as he had offered to carry my shopping in with me, I invited him in to have a quick look around. He stroked Baxter as we walked into the kitchen and he started to bark and ran off excitedly. I almost died of shame when I was giving Edward a guided tour and Baxter ran into the dining room with a pair of very small, red flimsy pants and started to fling them around up in the air and brought them over to Edward to throw for him. I didn’t know where to put myself as I wrestled them off him which he thought was even more fun and started doing doggy tug of war.
‘You should maybe buy him some toys, you know.’ Edward laughed and it eased some of my horror. ‘I’ll go and leave you to it. Looks like someone wants your attention.’ We both laughed.
As Edward walked out of the front door, he turned to look at me. ‘Your father was a complete fool, you know, Madison. A huge fool! You look just like your mum. You’re both beautiful and funny and kind.’
‘Ooh, you old smoothie!’ I batted his arm and leant across and kissed his cheek. He raised his hand in a wave as he drove away. He definitely reminded me of someone. It must be an actor or someone off the TV. I was sure that it would come to me eventually.
* * *
Work the next day was so busy that I didn’t really have much time to think about anything in particular, which was a good thing. I’d managed to avoid calls from Jamie and dropped him a brief text, saying that I needed some time to think and that I’d get in touch with him when I was ready. I didn’t hear back from him so could only assume that he had accepted my need for some time.
A night in, in my PJs, was on the cards, but before that, I needed to pop into the local supermarket. I’d bought some new fairy lights at the weekend and I’d wound them round the beams in the lounge but realised when I went to plug them in that they needed batteries and weren’t the plug-in kind. I needed to stock up on a few bits and bobs but I couldn’t remember what I needed because I’d left my list on the dining room table, so I ended up grabbing a packet of chocolate fingers and the batteries.
When I went to the checkout till, there was a new young lad who I’d not seen before. He looked really pleasant and was chatting nicely to those in the queue before me. When my items moved up the conveyor belt, he looked at what I’d bought, winked at me and said, ‘Blimey, you look like you’re in for a good night!’ Totally mortified, I grabbed my stuff, handed over a tenner and told him to keep the change.