Chapter 19
19
My first day back after the cruise was going to be a home day consisting of cleaning, washing and ironing, so I decided to make some homemade sausage rolls and cheese pies before I got started on the housework. I still couldn’t believe I was cooking and baking. I had surprised myself by finding out that I was actually pretty good at it.
Not having time before for cooking had made me think that I couldn’t do it. Eating home-cooked food was healthier and I enjoyed spending time doing it. Meals were all about the convenience these days, yet some of the things that our parents used to have to do, such as peeling the potatoes and preparing veg, filled time and were relaxing and seen as downtime from work. Quite proud of my pies and rolls, I left them to cool and thought I’d pop some round to Mum’s on the way to the supermarket early that evening. Daft as it sounded, after spending all that lovely time with her, I’d felt quite lonely last night and I missed her company.
As the food was cooling on the side, I went upstairs to sort and gather the washing from my suitcase. Baxter was sitting in his basket, licking his lips ecstatically and looking mighty proud of himself when I came down – and then I noticed the half-eaten sausage rolls on the side. The little bugger had only gone and helped himself. Clearly nothing was safe, and it reminded me to make sure that any food left on the side was put away before I went anywhere.
Annoyed that I’d wasted time and hadn’t got anything to take to Mum’s, I popped to the supermarket and grabbed the essentials I needed and a bunch of flowers for Mum. She always loved fresh flowers. I decided to get some for Beth too, to thank her for such an amazing gift.
When I arrived, raised voices could be heard from outside the front door. I knew that Edward was there because his car was on the drive. I knocked on the door, let myself in and quietly said ‘Hello!’ But they clearly didn’t hear me, because they didn’t stop shouting at each other. My first thought was surprise that things weren’t hunky-dory between them, as I had imagined.
I didn’t know whether to go in or not, so I stood for a moment outside the kitchen door leaning against the hall wall.
But then I heard Mum shout, ‘It’s not time yet. If we tell her now, it’ll break her heart. You have to go by my pace here, not yours. We’ve waited this long. She’s got enough on her plate without you bulldozing in and throwing this into the mix. She’s not strong enough.’
‘I’ve already missed thirty-seven years of her life, Josie, and I’m not prepared to miss any more.’
Mum sighed and seemed to give up all her fight, and I heard her say, ‘Don’t do this to Maddy! We will tell her, but not right now. Please, Theo, I beg you!’
Theo? Theo? Why the hell was she calling Edward Theo? My mind was whirling around. And as the realisation hit me, I felt hot and clammy and I struggled to get my breath. I grabbed onto the bookshelf for balance and as it toppled towards me, I dropped the flowers I was holding, slid to the floor and passed out.
* * *
As I came round, I spluttered. Mum had shoved smelling salts right up my nose. Bloody hell! They were strong and made my eyes water. As my head started to steady, it all came back to me. Mum had called Edward Theo which, if I had got my sums right, made Edward my father. I just looked at Mum who was crying and trying to hug me. ‘Oh, Maddy, you’re OK.’
‘Well, I think OK is probably an overstatement, don’t you, Mum? I think you two have some explaining to do.’ I looked from Mum to Edward, or should I say my father, Theo.
‘On second thoughts, save it. I’m not fucking interested.’ I got to my feet, grabbed my handbag and practically ran to the front door. I jumped in my car and screeched off the drive, nearly reversing into a lamppost. Mum was running down the path towards me, yelling my name. I just wanted to get the hell out of there. How could she have been lying to me? The only person I’d been able to rely on all my life? The one who had never let me down, never ! And now this – the ultimate betrayal. Could I trust anyone in my life at all?
* * *
Skidding to a halt in the farm, my heart was pounding as I jumped out the car and slammed the door behind me. Racing over to the main house, I walked in and found Uncle Tom sitting at the kitchen table.
‘Just breathe and calm down, Maddy. I’ve just had your mum on the phone. I know what’s happened. Come here, darling.’ He opened his arms to me and I just melted into them and broke down. I was sobbing so hard, I couldn’t get any words out.
‘Darling, don’t say a word and just listen to me for a minute.’
I looked up at him and nodded.
‘Now, I know you’ve had a huge shock. Huge. But you also need to know that not telling you about your father was a decision that your mum made because she thought it was the best thing to do at the time. You know in your heart that she would never intentionally do anything to hurt you. You mean the world to her. And that’s the reason she was trying to find the right time to tell you. The one thing I’ve learned from being a parent is that there’s never really a right time. You can only do what you think is the correct thing to do at that moment. Now go and wash your face and I’ll pour you a nice big gin and tonic. Your mum is on her way over to talk to you.’
‘But, but… I don’t want to see her. Or him.’
‘Did you just butt me?’ Even through my tears, this standing joke raised a smile. Years ago, the farm was home to a lovely little Billy goat, who had a tendency to butt you up the bum. Uncle Tom, to his surprise and to our amusement, once got butted and asked the goat very seriously, ‘Did you just butt me?’ and Beth and I fell about laughing. Since then, whenever the word ‘but’ was mentioned, we always asked, ‘Did you just butt me?’
‘That’s better. Now go on, go and sort that face out. It’s horrendous!’ He winked at me as I headed to the downstairs loo. As I passed the hall mirror I caught sight of myself. God, I did look ghastly. Mascara had streaked down my cheeks, and I was red and blotchy from the chest up. I sounded extremely snotty and my nose resembled Rudolph with a cold. Very attractive, indeed.
‘Mad, are you OK?’
Oh great! The one person I didn’t want to see me right now was the one person who was stood in front of me.
I hesitated, took a deep breath and turned. ‘Alex, hi!’
‘I hope you don’t mind but I was in the room with Dad when your mum rang so I heard what happened. You must be feeling a little confused right now.’
Feeling confused was my permanent state of mind around Alex. Just looking at him made me feel warm and fuzzy even at a time like this. I couldn’t take my eyes off him, but then I remembered that I looked like crap and excused myself to go to the loo. I wiped the mascara from under my eyes and splashed cold water on my cheeks to try to get rid of the redness. I bet Sophie never looked this awful. I wish I hated her but over the years I’d discovered that she was actually really nice too. I hadn’t even known Alex was here. I wondered when he had come back. I wished he never had to go back to the States.
Voices were coming from the kitchen and I knew that Mum must have arrived. Taking a deep breath, I put my hand on the handle and opened the door. Thank goodness it was just her. I didn’t think I could have coped if he had been there too.
She looked at me with tears in her ears and whispered, ‘I’m so very sorry that you found out that way, Madison. That was never our intention.’
‘So what exactly was your intention, Mum? When were you going to tell me?’
‘I don’t even know.’ She steadied herself on one of the kitchen chair backs. She looked a bit wobbly and Uncle Tom took her arm, guided her over to the sink and poured her a glass of water.
‘Come on, Josie, come and sit down and I’ll leave you two to talk. Somewhere neutral will do you good.’
‘We were working out when and how to tell you. Theo contacted me a few months ago. He’d been keeping in touch with a friend of his that we used to know and he tracked me down. He found some pictures on the Facebook page and said that he had recognised me immediately. He said he’d know my face anywhere and that I’d hardly changed. We’ve been trying to get to know each other again and spending a bit of time together, as you know. We wanted to make sure that you finding out about him was the right thing for you. You and no one else. It didn’t really matter how it affected us. It was all about you, my darling. You just happened to walk into the middle of a conversation that you shouldn’t have heard. But in hindsight, perhaps it’s best that it’s all out in the open now. Goodness knows when we’d have got round to telling you otherwise.’
‘How do you feel about him now, Mum, after everything that happened all those years ago? Can you ever forgive him?’
‘Darling, I’ve done lots of soul-searching over the years. I missed Theo so much even though I’d only known him for a short time, and as you know, I was completely devastated when he left. I’ve since found out some things, which I’ll let him tell you when you’re ready, that made the decision for him, and I know that he’s thought about you every day of his life and has never regretted anything more.’
‘So you do forgive him then? I’m not sure I ever can.’
‘I think I have forgiven him. I’ll never forget what happened; it shaped our lives. But I think you have to forgive to move forward. Forgiving someone is not about letting them off the hook for what they did, it’s about freeing yourself of all those negative emotions and the hurt that can destroy you so that you can finally find some peace in your life. Not forgiving someone makes you bitter and angry at the world and I don’t want to be those things any more. I’ve been those things for long enough. Forgiving gives you strength to carry on and have a normal life.’
‘So how do you feel about him now?’
A huge sigh escaped from her lips. ‘It’s like there hasn’t been nearly forty years between then and now. He seems to be the same man that I fell in love with all those years ago. He still makes me laugh and he still takes my breath away every time I look at him. I wish he didn’t, but he does.’ A tear trickled down her cheek, and I went to sit next to her and took her hand in mine. I was still angry with her and him, but she was my mum and I loved her dearly, and I would never want to see her in pain.
‘I never once thought that you’d still love him.’
‘Neither did I.’ Mum rested her head on my shoulder and I pulled her close as she sighed again. ‘What a blinking mess, eh?’
If she had chosen to forgive Theo, perhaps I should consider forgiving them both. If I did, maybe then we could all move forward. I just wasn’t sure that I could.
* * *
The need to talk things through with Beth was overwhelming. I’d stayed away for far too long, making excuses because I didn’t want her to quiz me over Jamie. I knew she would work me out straight away. But right now I needed my bestie to chat to. When I knocked on her bedroom door, she yelled, ‘About bloody time! Get your arse in here, bitch!’ Which sure broke the ice.
‘Do you know what that was like for me? All that shouting going on and I hadn’t got a bloody clue why. Now get your arse over here and tell me what the fuck is going on.’
I poured out the story from start to finish, leaving nothing unsaid. The whole Jamie business came out, and I told her about Theo too. Beth was always the most practical person I’d ever known. She just got right into sorting out a problem without all the dramatics that most people generated.
‘So let’s start with Jamie, shall we? That’s quite easy to sort out. Do you love him?’
‘I like being with him.’
‘But do you love him, with the whole of your heart? Do you like the person you are when you are with him? Can you forgive him for what he’s done to you? May I remind you that you caught him shagging someone else in your bed? Just in case you had forgotten.’
‘I hadn’t forgotten, but cheers for reminding me. I don’t know if I love him and whether I’ll ever be able to forgive him, but I think that I want to try. Perhaps working together and being together will be the making of us.’
‘OK, well, I think you are a complete fucking idiot, but you’re my fucking idiot and if you want to try to make it work with him, then do it. And I’ll be here if it goes tits up again, to pick you back up. Problem One sorted. Now onto the very important matter of Theo.’
I smiled at how matter-of-fact she was. She wasn’t actually as mad about Jamie as I thought she’d be; perhaps she’d already got an inkling.
‘So, you’ve always pretended you were OK without a dad in your life, and you kind of adopted mine, which helped massively, but deep down you were always sad that your dad wasn’t around, weren’t you?’
‘I suppose so.’
‘OK, so, now your dad is here and you don’t know whether you want him in your life or not. Is that right?’
‘Yep, I suppose so.’
‘So, Mrs List-Maker. Let’s make a list. Get your notebook out.’ God, she was bossy! Beth knew that I always carried at least one notebook around and I got one out and a pen and she instructed me to draw up two columns. One was titled ‘No Theo’ and one ‘Yes Theo’.
On the ‘No’ list I wrote:
Never had a dad so not really missing out on what I never had
I might hate having a dad in my life
I might still yearn for a dad in my life
On the ‘Yes’ list was:
Mum and Theo might become a couple
Theo could give me great advice
I might LOVE having a dad in my life
Theo could give me support
I won’t have to wonder what it’s like to have a dad in my life because I’ll have one
I might realise what I’ve missed out on all these years
Theo is a nice man
Theo could become my friend
So it was clear that one list was way longer than the other, and the things on that list were actually starting to excite me. This could be my chance to have a proper relationship with my father. Whatever ‘proper’ in our situation meant. I looked at Beth and she smiled.
‘Well, that’s sorted that out then, hasn’t it, love?’
I leaned across and gave her a hug. ‘It’s about time we got you sorted out then. Isn’t it time you got your lazy fat arse out of bed?’
‘Cheeky bitch! I’m going to my next physio session tomorrow. But my normal physio has left so apparently there’s a new man. I’m dreading it, to be honest. Apparently he’s not long left the army but thinks he’s still in it. I was going to ask you if you could take me at all? Alex is busy and Dad’s on dog duty. I have to be there at eleven. Would you mind?’
‘Only if I can stay and watch him put you through your paces. Now that’s something I’d pay to see. I’ll come up and fetch you about quarter past ten; that’ll give us time to get you to the hospital and I can drop you off and get parked and all that malarkey. I’m shattered, babe. I’m going home and getting into bed. Thank you for talking through everything with me, I really do appreciate it. I do love you, you know.’
‘Be off with you, you big girl’s blouse. See you tomorrow.’
* * *
As promised, the next morning I helped her down the stairs and into the car. She looked so uncomfortable but we knew that the only way she was going to get better was to keep moving and get this physio regime underway. Pulling up as near to the hospital entrance as I could, I got her comfy on a bench while I went off to find a parking space. Spotting one in the next row, I headed for it, only to have some tosser in a BMW convertible screech into the space I was just about to drive into. I lowered my window and shouted, ‘Excuse me, I was just about to park there!’ to him but he just grinned and shouted over, ‘You snooze, you lose! Sorry, babe, it’s clearly not your day. Good luck with finding a space!’ What a knob – even if he was an incredibly good-looking one. It surprised me that I could still appreciate a handsome man even if I was pissed off, but I still shouted ‘Dickhead!’ as loud as I could at him and he grinned again and blew a kiss at me as he swaggered off towards the hospital entrance.
I spotted an old dear wearing a big winter coat, a headscarf and slippers shuffling over to her car and I waited another ten minutes for her to do a twenty-five point turn to get out and face the right way. The thought of how competently she would actually drive the car scared me to death as she kangaroo’d out of the car park. She raised her hand in thanks and as she drove past and beeped, I noticed that she’d got a sticker on the back of her car that said Honk if you’re horny! which really made me titter and forget all about the dickhead who had nicked my parking space.
‘Bloody hell, Maddy, where’ve you been? We’re going to be late if we don’t get a move on. We need to make a dash for it.’
We both laughed at that, bearing in mind that she was on crutches, and I didn’t think either of us would be going anywhere in a hurry. We headed for the physiotherapy department and were asked to wait until Beth’s name was called. She didn’t want to sit down again, so we stood around waiting for Mr Miller.
‘Beth Millington, please.’ We turned towards the voice and, oh great!
‘Yes, it’s me. Pleased to meet you. My name is actually Dan Miller though, not Dick Head.’ His eyes twinkled and I knew that he was one of those guys who would be able to get away with murder and who you couldn’t stay angry with for long.
‘Come on, Beth.’
I turned to see that she couldn’t take her eyes off him. I whacked her on the arm to get her attention and bring her back in the room. ‘Close your mouth, love, you’re dribbling!’
She grinned and we followed Mr Miller into his consulting room. He invited me to take a seat next to the bed.
‘I’m just going to get your notes. I’d like you to get on the bed please, Beth.’
He closed the curtain around the bed and we giggled like teenagers as Beth said, ‘I’d like you to get on the bed please, Mr Physio. Phwoar! Cop a load of him. What a bloody hottie!’
‘Still here but thank you, that’s very kind,’ came his husky voice from behind the curtain. Mortified, Beth’s eyes became the size of saucers and she turned the colour of beetroot. I had an uncontrollable laughing fit and had to grab a bottle of water to calm me down, which went down the wrong way and I snorted out of my nose, making us even worse.
When Mr Miller came back to us, I couldn’t look at Beth without laughing again, and he suggested that it might be better for all of us if I waited outside so he could concentrate on his patient. Beth nodded, still a little flushed. I took a seat in the waiting room and had to take lots of deep breaths to get back to some sort of normality. Beth came hobbling out after about half an hour, with Mr Miller helping her along.
‘I haven’t worked her too hard today, but she does have some exercises to do at home too. It’s going to be tough, but the more she does, the quicker she’ll mend and we’ll soon be able to get rid of those crutches.’
‘You’re a hard taskmaster, Dan,’ Beth said. ‘But thank you. I do want to get back to work as soon as possible and get my life back to normal.’ As we walked away, we heard a shout.
‘Beth, here’s my card. If you need anything’ – he winked at her – ‘anything at all, just give me a bell.’ For the first time in a very long time, her face lit up as she took his card. Their hands touched and you could feel the spark between them sizzling away, and I rather hoped that this might be the start of something special for my bestie. I couldn’t remember the last time she’d had any romance in her life. Seeing my friend under the influence of love gave me a warm and fuzzy feeling in my tummy.
* * *
I had agreed to meet Theo and Mum at the garden centre at the edge of the next village. It was always better to meet on neutral territory, I thought. That way if I wanted to strop off and have a tantrum, I could. My nerves were getting the better of me and I was all of a dither as I drove there. As soon as I walked into the café, I saw them sitting together at a table at the back of the room. Theo was tucking a strand of hair behind Mum’s ear and she smiled at him bashfully, then she saw me and brushed his hand away. I smiled at her, realising just how much she must still love him. It was a true love story really, come full circle. I supposed we just needed to all work out how and where – and even if – we fitted in.
Theo stood as I arrived and I didn’t quite know what to do next. Did we nod at each other, high five, bump fists, shake hands, kiss cheeks? I hadn’t a clue. He took the decision out of my hands and gently kissed my cheek.
‘Hello, Theo. Hi, Mum.’
I gave Mum a hug and walked round the table to sit opposite her. Theo sat too and immediately launched into a speech that he clearly couldn’t wait to get out.
‘Madison, can I just apologise profusely? I, and we, never for one moment intended for you to find out about me the way you did. It was the last thing either of us would want. Josie and I were working out the best way to tell you. And we hadn’t come to a conclusion. I am so, so sorry. I wouldn’t hurt you for the world. I promise you that.’ He looked genuinely sad when he said this, and my heart reached out to him. ‘You must feel like you can’t trust us, but I promise that you can if you let me make it up to you.
‘Before anything else though, I do feel that I owe you an explanation. I’ve gone through it with Josie’ – he leaned over and touched her hand – ‘and now it’s time for me to explain myself to you.
‘When I met your mother, I was in a very dark place. I’d met my wife Jean at school and we just seemed to drift into marriage. It was never a huge passionate love affair but it was a comfortable life. But then Jean became ill and was finally diagnosed with ME after many years of us not knowing what was wrong with her. She suffered with severe depression because of it, and to be honest, I was suffering with depression too but was too busy to deal with it at the time because I was looking after her. I worked hard all day and then was her carer when I came home at night. I was extremely fond of her. We rubbed along OK.
‘From the moment I laid eyes on your mum, I fell madly and passionately in love with her, and that love just grew and grew. Being with her was so very different from being with Jean. I felt so bad for not telling your mum that I was already married and I also felt so guilty for having an affair, but I was young and stupid and mixed up. I thought that Jean wouldn’t realise that I wasn’t in the places that I said I was. I never thought that she’d suspect I was seeing someone else, but the night that I went home after your mum told me that she was pregnant, I don’t know how, but Jean knew. She offered me an escape, but I couldn’t possibly leave her. By that time, she was in a wheelchair and couldn’t even get herself dressed. What sort of man would I be if I left her? But then what sort of a man was I for leaving your mum in that predicament? I couldn’t win whichever decision I made. But I knew that your mum had her parents, who I thought would help her. Jean had no one; her own parents had died years before, which was probably one of the reasons why I felt that we should marry in the first place. If I’d left her she would have literally been alone, and I felt like I owed it to her.
‘I’ve never forgotten Josie, or you. I wondered about you both every single day of my life, the moment my eyes opened every morning. What had happened to you after I’d told you that we couldn’t be together? Whether you hated me? What did you look like? What sort of person would you turn into? Would not having me in your life affect you? Did you ever think of me? Would I ever get the chance to put things right? Or would I die never knowing you? The questions were eating me up inside.’ Tears were trickling down his cheeks and he didn’t even seem to notice. I looked at Mum and she smiled through her own tears. This was so hard for us all.
‘When Jean found out she was dying, she made me promise to find you once she’d gone. She never would tell me how she knew. I thought I’d protected her from finding out. But I suppose there’s always the potential for secrets to come out.’
I looked at Mum, and she was biting the inside of her cheek and looking down at her hands, where she was fiddling with her bracelet. I looked back to Edward and he looked deep into my eyes. Eyes that were my own, looking back at me.
‘I know I’ve never been a father to you and you might choose to never forgive me for that. I know that I can never make up for all of these missed years, but I would love, if you would let me, to be a part of your future, and if that’s a small part, or a big part, I would love nothing more. Josie and I have already discussed things and if you want me to walk out of both of your lives then I will, though it would cut me to the core. But that decision is yours and we both respect that whatever you say goes.’
I still hated the fact that they had not told me that Edward – Theo – was my dad, but before I knew these new facts, I had thought he seemed like a really nice man and I was finding it hard to change that view now.
At this point, Beth’s words came back to me. I could either be bitter about everything that had happened and the fact that he’d missed out on so much of my life and I’d missed out on having a father and be miserable, or I could make my peace with the past, and move forward with him in my future. I thought about the lists I’d made and how the pros outweighed the cons and right now, as I looked into my father’s eyes and saw love and sincerity and honesty and affection looking back at me, I made my decision.
* * *
The shrill ringing of my mobile on the bedside table later that evening woke me. I rarely had an early night but was exhausted after all the complications of the day. I looked at the time. It was 10.45p.m. I’d only been asleep for an hour. The phone ringing at that time of the night though nearly always signified bad news. ‘Maddy, Maddy, you have to come to the hospital straight away. It’s Theo!’
‘I’m on my way, Mum.’
‘Hurry, Madison. They think he’s had a heart attack.’
I’d never got dressed so quickly in my life. With hair sticking up everywhere, I threw on a tracksuit, sent Beth a quick text to tell her what had happened and drove like the clappers to the hospital, breaking every speed limit on the way. So much ran through my mind as I pulled up in the A we won’t be able to discuss anything soon. Please don’t say that I’ve mentioned anything, he could get into serious trouble.’
‘I won’t say a word, I promise. I know she really likes Dan, and she wouldn’t stop talking about him all the way home from her appointment. I do hope that something develops between them. I know that she’s my best friend and I’ve known her all my life, but she’s the most lovely, kind, generous, beautiful person in the world and any man who gets her is the luckiest man alive.’
‘Well, Dan is the same then, but in a male body. Again, I know he’s my older bro, but he’s awesome. He’s come all the way out here tonight to give me a lift home because my car is in the garage. He’d do anything for anyone. I know he can come across as being a bit brash at times but it’s to cover up for the fact that he’s actually quite shy. His army days are behind him now and he might learn that he doesn’t have to act that way. He’s definitely calming down and I would absolutely love to see him settled and happy. Maybe one day he’ll have a family of his own, too. He’s such a wonderful uncle to my two. They love him to bits and he completely adores them and spoils them rotten. In fact, that’s probably why they love him to bits.’ She laughed.
I thanked her for treating me and said that I hoped to see her again and went off in search of Mum and Theo who were apparently all sorted. Theo had been discharged and they were ready for a lift home. What a day this had turned out to be. I dropped Mum and Theo off at her house, kissed them both and drove home. It was 3a.m. and I was absolutely shattered. I let Baxter out for a wee in the garden and then we headed straight for bed where he curled up in a ball at my side, licked my hand and started doggy snoring within a minute or two, his feet twitching. I wondered if he was dreaming about running wild in a field having fun.
I’d done lots of thinking about Jamie and had finally made up my mind. I would get in touch with him soon. There was no rush. I smiled and felt that my life was pretty good as I turned out the bedside lamp.
* * *
It was a little weird, going on a ‘dad date’. I think most people thought that he was my sugar daddy, which tickled us both. We wanted to spend time together and get to know each other better, so two nights ago, Mum, Theo and I all wrote ideas down on pieces of paper, folded them up, put them in a jam jar and shook them up. We agreed that we had to do what came out whether we wanted to or not. Mum pulled out the winning date. Ice-skating. It was random, I know, and I hadn’t skated since I’d been at school, but oh, what fun it was. We did ask Mum to join us but she was adamant that she wanted us to spend time together without her. We needed to build a relationship of our own and there would be plenty of time, if things worked out, for us to do things as a threesome in our funny little family. The idea of being part of a family of three was so weird, after all those years of it just being me and mum. But the future was ours for the taking and we could make this into anything we wanted to. We just had to find our own way and not worry about what other people thought.
Theo held out his gloved hand and I placed mine in his as we skated cautiously to start, and then with each lap of the rink our confidence started to build. When Theo fell over, we laughed so hard that we cried. We weren’t the most elegant ice skaters in the world and we were sure that Torvill and Dean weren’t worried about us taking their title, but we should have definitely got eleven out of ten for effort.
We grabbed a hot chocolate from a stand outside the rink and sat on a bench outside huddled together for a bit of heat. I’d forgotten how the cold in the ice rink got right through to your bones, and we needed to warm up. We decided to walk back along the canal. It was a lovely autumn evening and Theo took my hand and tucked it snugly inside his arm as we walked, chatting easily about his life out in Spain and my life over here. What surprised me most was that he said that he’d like to ask Mum out on an official date but didn’t know how she’d feel or how I’d feel.
He knew that they’d grown closer since they’d been back in touch, but he wasn’t sure how she’d feel about making it more. And he also needed to know how I would feel about it, and if I had any doubts about it at all then he would take a step back and wouldn’t ask. He said that he wouldn’t do anything that I wasn’t happy about and that the most important thing in the world to him right now was to have a relationship with me. Knowing Mum like I did, I could clearly see that she was besotted by him, and I liked the person that she was around him. She was light-hearted, fun and flirty, and it was good to see her letting herself go.
It was with my blessing that I told him to go ahead and ask her. I was pretty sure what her answer would be. I knew that it would take time to find our way in our funny little three-way relationship, but we’d get there somehow and there was no rush. We’d waited this long.
When Theo dropped me back at the barn, he jumped out of the car and opened the door for me. He took my hand and looked deep into my eyes.
‘Don’t settle for anything less than the best in your life, Madison. Don’t look back and have regrets. I had a good life, don’t get me wrong, and Jean was a lovely woman, but she wasn’t the person I fell madly in love with and wanted to be with. It makes me so sad that I missed everything about your life, but I swear that I will spend the rest of mine, until my dying day, making it up to you. But for you I want the very best; I’d hate you to settle for something less than you deserve. And you deserve the world.’
An image of Alex flashed into my head and I pushed it away. I tried to picture Jamie instead, but I couldn’t visualise what he looked like right at that very moment.
‘I’m sorry that I’m a bit of a mess right now, Theo. This redundancy business has hit me harder than I ever thought it would. I have to be honest with you; I’ve gone through my life, pushing myself as hard as I could. I never thought for one minute really that I’d ever meet you, but I wanted to make sure that if I did, I’d be a successful businesswoman that you’d be impressed by and want to know. It was really important to me and I think somewhere along the way, I forgot to be myself.’
‘But look at you, darling. You are beautiful, you are bright, you are kind, and you are everything I could ever want a daughter to be. I never thought I’d get the opportunity to meet you either. I felt like I gave up the right to meet you when I decided to stay with Jean, but when she died, she told me that I had to make my peace with you and try my hardest to find you if it was the last thing I did.
‘I wish you could see what I see. I see a person who is beautiful inside and out, someone who is kind and generous and who is helping out her best friend, and who wants her mum to be happy. Someone who is good and genuine and has a huge heart and someone who is giving a silly old man like me a chance to get to know her and to maybe have a second chance in her life.
‘Life isn’t about what you have, Madison; it’s about who you are. And I couldn’t wish for a more wonderful daughter than you and I am so incredibly grateful that you have allowed me to be a part of your life. I couldn’t be more proud of the person that you are.’
I kissed his cheek, hugged him and told him that I’d see him very soon. He waited to make sure I’d got in through my front door before he walked back to his car. As I went to shut the door, I hesitated. I opened the door and shouted after him.
My voice wobbled. ‘Wait!’
He turned towards me.
‘Goodnight, Dad .’
He beamed at me.
‘Goodnight, daughter .’
He blew a kiss and smiled. I beamed right back and closed the door.
* * *
So, that was Mum sorted. She and Theo were free to make a go of their relationship in any way they wanted. They had my blessing and they had to find their way forward the same way that Dad and I did. It still felt a bit strange to call him ‘Dad’, but it was good strange.
Now, it was my time.
Holding my breath, I dropped a text to Jamie, first thing the next morning, telling him that I’d like to see him that evening if possible so we could talk. Despite me asking him not to contact me until I’d made a decision and would get back to him, he’d been texting me on and off, asking me if I’d thought about his proposition. So I was quite surprised that it took him a while to text back, but when he did say he could be free, I asked him for his new address and said that I’d be there at 7p.m. tonight after I’d had my dinner. I didn’t want it to be any more than a chat at this point and I wanted to drive because I didn’t want to end up drinking and be persuaded to spend the night. I wasn’t ready to slip back into that just yet.
When I arrived, he buzzed me into the apartment, which was on the top floor of a four-storey block on a marina complex. He answered the door when I reached the top looking his usual dashing self, in a pair of beige linen trousers and a plain white t-shirt, designer of course. When he asked what I wanted to drink, I chose coffee; I wanted some time to look around this place while he made it and to get a feel for Jamie and his home. I wandered over to the window and the view was breathtakingly pretty over the marina, the canal boats gently swaying on the water.
The apartment was all black and cream, and it felt clinical. I thought about the muddy footprints that Baxter could have fun making on that carpet and smiled. I’d have to talk to Jamie about Baxter and see what he said. I couldn’t give him up now. He was my friend, furry or not.
Jamie returned and we sat facing each other across the coffee table.
‘Have you reached a decision, Maddy?’
‘I have, and yes, I’d love to come back and work for you, Jamie.’
He stood and punched the air. ‘Yes! Oh, Maddy, I’m over the moon. When do you want to start? I’m so excited that you’ve said yes.’
‘And us, Jamie?’
‘Oh, yes, and us too. I presumed that the two things went side by side.’
‘Well, perhaps they might one day. But I want to take things very slowly and see where it takes us. Is that OK with you?’
‘Of course, but please say that you’ll start your job anyway. I have so many ideas that we can work on together.’
‘Yes, I’ll sort out when Beth is going to be able to get back to work and we can firm up a date to suit us both. Hope that’s OK.’
‘Of course, I’m so excited that we’ll be working together, Maddy.’
His enthusiasm was infectious and he came around to my side of the table and took me in his arms. It felt a little forced, but I was sure I’d soon get used to it again before long. He went into the kitchen and I heard the fridge door open. He returned with a bottle of champagne and two flutes and popped the cork. ‘We must celebrate!’
‘Not too much for me, please, I’m driving.’
‘You don’t have to, Madison. You could stay.’
‘That’s not really taking it slow, is it, Jamie? I’m sorry but I’m not ready for that yet. And I have to get back to Baxter too.’
‘Oh yes. Baxter.’
He handed me a glass which was full even though I’d asked for a small one. ‘I’m so happy, darling, I really am.’
I realised that if we were to end up living together again at some point, we’d have to have a conversation about Baxter pretty soon. We came as a package these days and I wasn’t sure how Jamie would feel about that, but now didn’t feel like the right time to bring it up.
As I sipped the champagne (I think I actually preferred G&Ts these days, even though we used to drink champagne all the time) I wondered whether Jamie was as happy at the fact that we were going to try again with our relationship as he seemed to be about me being back in his business, but then I batted away that thought as we started to make plans about our future together.