Chapter 11
CHAPTER 11
L akeshia
“No,” Takeshi says with a steely gaze and firmed jaw.
I glance at Shinji who seems to be on a solidarity kick with his husband. I never know when he’ll take my side or Takeshi’s, and his current decision confuses me.
“Have you changed your mind then? You want to go the medical route to get me pregnant?”
Takeshi sends Shinji a deferential look.
“That plan hasn’t changed,” Shinji says.
“Then someone explain to me what’s going on.”
“Although Shinji is correct, the timeline for us to go about achieving those results has changed.”
“Timeline?” Dread begins to creep up my spine. Extending our time together will expose me to the risk of another episode.
I can’t allow that when I’m uncertain what brought this one on. I’ve only panicked like that during sex once. It left me feeling unclean and unworthy and I’d vowed never to put myself in a situation like that again.
Sex is my normal. It has to be or else he wins.
I want to pound my fist against something hard to vent my frustration. Shinji, Takeshi, and I hadn’t gotten far before that unfamiliar, almost slimy feeling set in. A few touches and kisses. For fuck’s sake, Takeshi and Shinji still have their fucking clothes on.
It wasn’t just sex, though.
What should have been a fleeting thought that began in the bathroom persists no matter how much I try to deny it. Why did they have to act like they cared? Like they wanted to rip down the walls I erected to shield myself from these goddamn feelings. Last night when it was about them, I was fine.
“I’d rather we just fuck and get this over with,” I say.
“We’d rather not have you curl into a catatonic ball when we touch you.” Shinji uncurls from Takeshi’s lap and herds me back to the bed. This time he lays me down and spreads the blanket over me before lying on his side next to me.
And I let him, too exhausted to put up much of a fight.
Takeshi joins us on my other side and mirrors Shinji’s pose with his weight braced on his elbow and his head upheld by his hand. While peering down at me, they rest their free hands on my waist.
That’s all they do.
Rest warm hands on my stomach, doing nothing but providing support I never asked for. I stare at the ceiling to avoid direct eye contact and risk seeing something I am not prepared to handle.
After my faux pas downstairs, how can I tell them they aren’t making me feel better? Or, that I don’t deserve their thoughtfulness? For so many years, I’ve been alone, looking out for myself. My survival depends on my ability to remain removed from entanglements, to be an emotional ice house.
And Shinji and Takeshi are threatening the very heart of my strength.
Oh God!
The weird pressure from before rises in my chest again, making it difficult to take a deep breath. Why can’t I just accept these innocent touches when, with two exceptions, my life thus far has been all about pleasurable sensory experiences?
Black spots appear on the ceiling and the room begins to close in on me. Takeshi’s face appears and I finally register that he and Shinji have been trying to get my attention. Shinji releases my shoulders and eases to his original position beside me with a concerned frown furrowing his brow.
“There you are,” Takeshi says in a soothing voice.
His calm intonation and patient confidence begin to work on me, though I have no idea how long I’d been out of it. I can breathe easily again and I inhale deep breaths, savoring each one. I close my eyes but snap them open when Takeshi pinches my chin.
“Not this time. Keep your eyes on me.” He follows his command with a soft brush of his hand from my cheek to my ear where he tucks a loosened strand of hair.
Shinji takes my hand and intertwines our fingers, drawing my attention away. “Tell us what’s going on in that beautiful head of yours.” He presses his lips to our knuckles and I instinctively squeeze in response.
It takes me a couple swallows before I’m confident my voice won’t wobble or break. “Why are you doing this?”
Shinji shrugs. “Too many reasons to list.”
With no suitable response coming from Shinji, I turn to Takeshi who hasn’t stopped staring at me. The question forming on my lips doesn’t get the chance to leave when he says, “Has this happened to you before?”
With no reprieve from their intrusive questions that I’m nowhere near ready to answer, I stare at the ceiling once more. Neither man presses me to answer, but their close study of my face is a physical pull, a lure to ensnare me in a trap as powerful as Medusa’s beauty.
“It seems, we’ll need to be more creative.” Takeshi’s voice begins a low throbbing alarm in my ears. “Shinji, front or back?”
“Decisions…decisions.” Shinji makes a tsking sound that does nothing to hide the underlying smile in his voice. “I’ll take the rear.”
“Excellent choice, though I doubt if you can go wrong with either,” Takeshi says, talking over my head figuratively and literally.
I don’t have long to wait to understand their coded discussion because Takeshi rolls me to my side and anchors one of my legs over his hip while Shinji presses deeper into my spine. For a lengthy period, I lie tense between them but they do not move.
Until I relax. Then their hands are all over my body, massaging and squeezing muscles that deepen my body’s relaxation.
“What is the purpose of this?” I ask, trying to fight the magic their hands are weaving, which is so different from before.
As my resistance melts away, a new conflict rises inside me with the need to get closer to both men, to curl up inside their arms and revel in the comfort they’re generously providing me.
“We’re about to have a difficult discussion, but I can’t allow you to separate yourself from us. We’ll continue to anchor you in the present, reassure you, and at every step, make damn sure you know you aren’t alone while you deal with your shit.”
“You can’t force me to talk about something I don’t want to talk about.” I begin to fidget in their hold, but their gentle circle is uncompromising.
Shinji twists my head around to catch my eye. “As much as I want to give you everything you ask for, I don’t think doing so now will help.”
Takeshi presses his hand over my heart. “Shinji has a point. And since your heart rate and breathing are steady, I’m going to have to insist you answer my question. Have you ever freaked out like you did with us tonight? How much you tell us is up to you, but you have to tell us something.”
“And if you think you can lie to him, think again. Takeshi is annoyingly perceptive that way.” Shinji rubs firm circles into my nape and my head falls on his chest.
I open my mouth to utter a half-baked lie filled with the confidence of a motivational speaker.
Ha!
Instead, what comes out is a whisper-soft confession. “After I dropped out of college, there was this guy. He wanted to role-play like I was his girlfriend and he was really sweet, you know? Very attentive and respectful. We’d done everything he wanted and afterwards, he asked to hold me.” I lapse into silence as the night plays out in my mind.
There is a shift in Takeshi and Shinji’s touch. Their hands remain gentle but I sense they’re forcing themselves to restrain the strength behind their massage.
“What happened next?” Shinji’s strained voice urges me on.
I shrug. “I have no idea but when I came to my senses, the guy freaked and walked out the door, talking about I needed a warning label if I was going to get hysterical over a hug.”
My skin begins to crawl. Although I’m willing to share this story with Shinji and Takeshi, the nameless stranger was not the cause of my distress then, nor is he now.
Takeshi pulls my body closer to him and tucks my head beneath his chin. Shinji follows, pressing his front into my spine. Being in the close confines of their embrace should prompt another attack, but somehow, being held with no judgment or expectation to perform is more liberating than my years chasing a high through transactional sex.
Shinji shifts behind me and doesn’t settle until he presses the soft material of my blanket in my hands. All skin-crawling ceases to exist, and a sense of security envelopes me with the first soft cottony touch. I blink away the tears brought on by his thoughtful gesture. For my own self-preservation, I can’t assume his motives are innocent.
I should complain about the liberties they’ve taken with me. Dammit, I will complain. Right now. I open my mouth and a huge yawn takes over. Instead of issuing a sharp reprimand, I snuggle deeper into Takeshi’s arms. I’ll say something after I rest my tired eyes for five seconds.
Takeshi presses a kiss on my forehead. Not to be outdone, Shinji does the same to my nape. It all happens seconds before my mind goes blank.