8. Essa
eight
Essa
W hen I head into the dark kitchen to grab a late-night snack, a big part of me hopes Adam will be there, and maybe he will try to fight me again. I'm alone, though, which is fine. I'll grab my snack and head back to bed.
I never thought I'd be so turned on by a male attempting to fight me, but here I am, hoping it happens. Not because I want to be hit or think Adam would hurt me—okay, I don't know if he'd try to hurt me, to be fair—but because I know I'm stronger than him.
Even if it weren't for my venom, his humanness makes him weak. Sure, he's stronger than many of his species' males, but that doesn't miraculously make him stronger than a Haventh.
There's also the fact that he loves having my venom in his system. Loves relinquishing that control, but I don't think he would ever admit that to anyone. No, he's much too strong-willed a male to do that.
So, he'll keep trying to fight me as a petty way of getting me to sink my fangs into him. I don't mind. If he needs to feel like this is happening because I feel threatened, so be it.
If he and Seth are on the ship for much longer, maybe we can discuss why Adam feels the need to behave this way instead of coming up to me and asking very simply for me to put my teeth into his shoulder. I'd do it in a heartbeat, no questions asked, no embarrassing things done to him. I'd care for him as though he was my concubine and lavish him with praise and soft touches, rewarding him for his trust in me.
"Essa?" Sloane's voice catches me off guard as I begin swiping through the food synthesizer's catalog to pick out my nighttime snack. "Why are you up so late?"
"I could ask the same of you," I say over my shoulder, smiling at her.
We haven't been able to talk just the two of us in a little while. Jovi and Alik always want to be with her. There's also Seth and Adam on board, though Seth is the only one who's come out of the pleasure crew room since movie night four nights ago.
I think Adam might be having trouble accepting that he enjoys things that don't fit into what he thinks a male should enjoy. I'd love to talk with him and tell him that it doesn't matter if he's male or female or anything else. He can be a good concubine no matter what he is if that interests him. But, I need to let him be the one to broach the topic. I can't very well pull out the collars and wrap one around his throat while he's drugged. A Haventh concubine offers themselves willingly.
"I had Alik set up an alert for if anyone came to the kitchen tonight, and if they did, to send a chime to his comm. When it did, I came down here to check on you," Sloane says it all with a shrug.
I try very hard to follow her logic, but I'm lost. She tells me before I can try to piece together what she might need to speak to me about in the middle of the night.
"I wanted to check in on you."
She gives me a half-hearted smile as I walk over to the island and settle into a stool while I wait for the food synthesizer to make me a breaded dessert known as a donut. My tail wraps around Sloane's ankle as she settles next to me. It's an involuntary move, a way to symbolize this creature is under my protection. Sometimes, when the whole crew is nearby, I get agitated because I don't have enough tails to wrap around all of them so that everyone knows they're all mine.
"Why did you want to check on me? I've been doing fine."
"Jovi and Phial were going to get you a pleasure crew," Sloane says in a practiced way, making it clear it is anything but casual.
She watches my face to catch my reaction, and I don't even try to hide it. Sloane's my best friend. I would never hide anything from her. Okay, maybe I'm hiding feelings about two clones from her, but only because she hasn't asked.
My face screws up at the thought of having a pleasure crew. If I'd been told a couple of weeks ago, I'd be more than excited, but now? Now, I know there are two males I'd very much like to spend more time with, and neither of them is pleasure crew.
"Don't worry." Sloane giggles to herself as she smiles at me. "They canceled their plan after movie night."
I nod, giving her an approving huff. She watches me for another moment, her eyes sparkling with too much mischief, considering it's the middle of the night and she was woken from her slumber not long ago.
"Do you like them both or just one of them?"
I fight the rush of blood in my face, thanking the gods that my skin doesn't work the same as Sloane's to show my embarrassment right there on my face. That would be mortifying. I don't know how humans didn't evolve past it at some point. She still catches how I dart my eyes away from her, how my fingers twitch on the countertop, and how my tail tightens before relaxing again. Oh, she most definitely knows she's embarrassed me.
I swallow hard, trying to figure out the most diplomatic way to approach this conversation. I should be good at this since I was raised for the first half of my life to one day take over as ruler of the Bylath house. I was never the one good with words, though. No, that was all Niivi, my sister.
"They'll be leaving the ship soon." I skirt around having to answer Sloane's question in what I know is a cowardly way.
"Uh-huh." Sloane's unimpressed with my answer, and of course she is. We tell each other everything, so I know she's waiting for me to open up to her. And the way the silence in the room starts to feel heavy on my shoulders, her knowing blue eyes watching me, studying me, I crack in less than a minute.
"I want to claim them both as concubines and live with them for the rest of my life here on the ship, all together always, but they already have one another, and they enjoy one another, and I don't think I'm anything more than passing entertainment until they leave this ship to never think of me ever again."
The room quiets again as I take a deep breath. I spoke all my worries so fast that I'm not even sure Sloane picked up on everything. When I look at her, though, she's looking at me with wide eyes and a hard coldness that could rival Jovi and Alik when they get upset. I cringe, unsure if she's upset with me or the men.
"You are more than anyone's passing entertainment," Sloane tells me in a voice just above a whisper. The words are said with so much conviction that I feel bad for talking about myself in such a way. This is why Sloane is such a good friend. If she cares about someone, she thinks they deserve the universe, and she would help them get it if that's what they want.
"I know, I know, but they have a whole life they've already built with one another, and I'm a female, so very different than them. I mean, we don't even have the same number of fingers."
"Null point. Phial only has four, and he and Avery get along just fine."
I rub the back of my neck and snort at Sloane's quick dismissal of my first point. "I've never felt this strongly, but it doesn't mean I can keep them for myself. They have plans. Plans that don't involve me. I won't ruin that for them. Unless they come to me, asking to be with me, I won't push the issue. I don't want to cause problems between them."
"How do you know it'll cause issues between them?"
"Because Adam hates me," I sigh.
It's hard to come to terms with the fact that someone who might enjoy what I can do for him might also hate that he responds to me the way he does. Not to mention the way Adam hates when Seth even looks at me.
I've heard them in the pleasure crew room with one another. I've heard the things Adam says to Seth about me, how he talks while he's bringing the other man pleasure and taking his with Seth's body. Even if he likes how he responds to my venom, he doesn't like me in general, and I'm not sure how to get past that.
"He doesn't hate you," Sloane says, waving away the concern with a flick of her wrist.
I frown at the dismissal but lean closer to her, needing her to tell me why she thinks he doesn't. I've never needed to know something more in my entire life.
"Why do you say that? Has he said something to you?"
Sloane snorts as she grabs my shoulders and gives me a little shake. "No one could hate you, Essa. You're the best female anyone could ask for. I'm pretty sure you'd do anything to keep this crew safe, and you're an absolute hottie."
While I do beam at her praise, it doesn't really answer my question. I'm about to point this out when Sloane leans in even closer. Her blue eyes pierce me, and her smile takes on a devilish quality.
"And he's been out in the hall since you came in here trying to talk himself into coming in. Probably to fight you so you'll bite him again, but I don't think that's the actions of a man who hates you."
"He might want to fight me so he doesn't hate me?" I throw my hands up, unbelieving that this is the proof she has to give me about Adam not hating me.
I shake my head, not letting my eyes linger on the kitchen doors. Who's to know if he's still out there or if he thought better of trying to fight me with Sloane in here?
"I sent him back to his room," Sloane says, leaning away from me. "I told him if he likes you, he needs to come up with a better way of showing it. That earned me a snarl."
My tail tightens on her. Maybe I'll go visit with Adam for just a moment tonight to tell him he's not allowed to be mean to my human friend.
"Don't worry, his snarls are nothing compared to Alik's. I told him we were having girls' night, so if he wanted to get bit, it'd have to wait for a different night."
"I'm sure he took that well," I murmur, getting up from my stool to grab my donut.
"He did not," Sloane laughs. "Babe, I don't think he hates you. I think he likes you and doesn't know what to do with himself because of it."
"I don't know what to do either," I say, unbelieving that now Sloane sounds like she is taking his side in all of this. "My current plan is to wait for him to attack me so I can bite him. That seems to be about the extent of our relationship, and I don't see it changing any time soon."
"Have you thought to talk to him about it?" Sloane asks, her chin resting on her hand as she watches me eat my donut.
Humans have such good food. I'm not sure what the nutritional value of this treat is, but it's tasty. Their sugar is much sweeter than the sweeteners we have on Haven III. That or we just don't use as much since it's considered a luxury resource.
"It's not my place to deepen our relationship," I tell her. This is common knowledge for a Haventh, but Sloane isn't Haventh, so it shouldn't surprise me when her brows furrow and her lips pop open to ask a question or many. "Concubines must offer themselves. I'm not allowed to proposition them. Those are the rules."
"Concubines?" Sloane snorts before biting her lips together and giving me a startled look. "Oh, you're being serious."
"Why would I joke about that?"
"Okay, wait, maybe what you're saying is getting mixed up in the translator. What's a concubine to you? Like, describe it."
I suck on my bottom lip, my fang poking at it a bit. They've been misbehaving since having the clones on board, but they've stayed short all day today, only aching slightly when Sloane mentioned Adam out in the hallway before she came into the kitchen.
"On my planet, most of the ruling class has marriages that are arranged. I didn't get to decide who my husband would be, and he didn't get to choose me. In order to make these marriages work, we are allowed to take on concubines. Others to fill our beds and our lives so we don't grow resentful of being married to someone who doesn't make us happy."
Sloane gives me a quizzical look, and I feel like I still haven't satisfied her with my answer. I don't know what else she expects, though, and I don't know how her humans could have the same relationships on their planet. As far as I know, most of them choose their own mates on Earth now.
"So, you have like a harem?" Sloane asks, the word straining to sound serious, but I can hear the giggle in her voice.
"Well, I do not." I cringe. "No one was ever interested in me on my planet. Not that there was much time for me to see if anyone was interested. I was seventeen when I left."
"But if there was someone, they'd have to offer themselves to you?" Sloane's question is asked without judgment, but that doesn't surprise me.
My own reaction is what surprises me because I never thought I'd take a concubine. Never thought anyone would want to be that for me. Now, that's all I can think about. It's all I want from Adam and Seth. But just like it never happened on my planet, it won't work out here.
"Yes." I bite my lip, my fang catching on it. "They offer themselves as mine, ask me to protect and cherish them, and then I collar them, marking them as mine."
Sloane gives me the biggest yikes face I've seen from her since the night we watched Holoth's sister punch another female square in the face for disrespecting K'Vella, Holoth's mate. The face Sloane gives me now is that same face, but now her tongue peeks out between her teeth like she needs to be sure I see just how not okay what I just said is.
I sigh and squeeze my eyes together. "I'd never ask it of them."
Sloane's beside me in a heartbeat, running a hand down my arms to soothe me after looking so worried about me. "I know, I know."
"I couldn't even bear to show them the collars." I shake my head, refusing to open my eyes. "After what they've gone through, the scars on their necks. But there's no way for me to be with them unless they're my concubines. If I take them on as actual partners and anyone on Haventh finds out, my sister will be married to my fiancé before I even learn about it."
"I'm sorry," Sloane says, wrapping her arms around me and holding me close in a tight hug. "I didn't realize things were all weird where you're from." She pauses, her lips flattening as she huffs. "Okay, I knew they were super fucked up with you having to marry some dude and then have babies that might get shipped off to his house, but I didn't know there was even more weird stuff."
I let out a soft laugh and rest my cheek on Sloane's head.
"I wish things were easier," I say so quietly that I'm unsure if she hears me. But now that I've started to get the words out, I can't stop myself. "I wish I wasn't Haventh or that I was from one of the lower families. I wish I could be with whoever I wanted and that there weren't so many rules."
Sloane tightens her grip on me. "I wish I could take away all of your worry and your burdens. You deserve happiness, Essa. You deserve someone who will do everything possible to bring you happiness."
"I have the crew," I say, gently pulling away from her so she knows I don't dislike her touch, but I would like to get back to eating my donut. "I have you. What more could a female need than good friends?"
"Essa." Sloane scoffs and rolls her eyes. Okay, maybe there are some things I'd like that my friends can't offer me. "We'll get you a pleasure crew when Adam and Seth leave the ship, okay? Someone to get your mind off them."
I frown at the idea, not liking how my stomach twists up in knots about it. I shouldn't have any issues with Sloane's plan because it's the best outcome for my situation. When the clones leave the ship, I'll need something to distract me from the feelings of loneliness that have started to creep inside me.
I want what all my friends have. Partners who love and cherish them. People to spend their lives with. I might not be able to have that for very long, but a pleasure crew will get me enough companionship that maybe I can pretend for a little while longer.
"I love you," Sloane says as she bumps my hip with hers.
"I love you too," I say through a mouthful of donut.
I follow her out of the kitchen, my tail wrapped around her ankle and a sadness in my chest. Things will return to normal when Adam and Seth are off the ship. I just can't let myself grow more attached to them. I can do that. I can remain friendly but detached.
I drop Sloane off at her room before heading back to mine. The hallways are dark, and she can't see as well in the dark as I can. I also like making sure my friend is safe.
I remind myself over and over again that I will not fall more for the human clones as I go back to my room, but all of those thoughts are dashed away when I see Adam leaning against the hall wall. His eyes are narrowed on my face before they travel down the length of my body, causing warmth to flood me. My fangs ache and elongate, pulsing with venom at the thought of getting to sink into him again. His nostrils flare when his eyes meet mine again, but he doesn't say anything. No, he frowns at me before opening the door to his room and returning inside.
A piece of my heart shatters at the reaction, and I try to hold onto that feeling. It'll only be worse when they finally leave. It's my reminder not to get attached. I need to be aloof yet friendly. And I definitely don't need to bite Adam again.
That thought has more of my heart breaking, but that's okay. I can start the breaking process now, so I'm mostly healed when Sloane gets a male to warm my bed. Maybe by then, the idea won't make me nauseous.