Chapter 11
Tyler didn’t sleep long. I tried to keep myself busy in my room so Mark and Tyler could spend some alone time. I decided to wrap Christmas presents, thinking that would keep my mind occupied. Next, I tried reading. But after about an hour, curiosity got the best of me. I couldn’t resist. I followed the sound of their voices into the living room, inhaling deeply to steady myself. I leaned against the doorframe, bracing one hip against it as I focused on Tyler and the man who had become so important to me.
Mark… important? Impossible. I didn’t need him in my life. Not now. Not ever.
But there he was, sitting on the sofa with Tyler on his lap, holding a book open while Tyler jabbed at the pictures with his tiny fingers.
“Cat,” Tyler said.
“Dog,” Mark corrected gently, smoothing one hand over the back of Tyler’s head.
“Doggie,” Tyler repeated.
“Good boy,” Mark chuckled, the sound deep and warm, rumbling through the room like a comforting melody.
I stood there, just listening to him read, his voice firm but with a velvet edge that vibrated through me in ways I couldn’t ignore. I swallowed hard, trying to calm the tremors running through my body. His sleeves were pushed up, revealing those muscular forearms, skin threaded with masculine hair. Why did he have to be so damn compassionate and good-looking? Resisting him would be so much easier if he were selfish and uncaring.
Mark grinned, and as if he could sense my presence, he turned his head and met my gaze. The power of that stare shot right through me, down to the soles of my feet.
“We’re reading,” he said, his voice casual, but something in his eyes made my heart skip a beat.
I held up the paperback in my hand. “So was I.” Well… I’d tried to focus on a new romance novel I picked up at the mall, but knowing Mark was somewhere in my house made concentrating impossible. He and Tyler looked so cozy together, like father and son. And that’s why you should marry him, a voice inside whispered.
I shook off the thought and moved to sit in the chair near the fireplace. I tried to steer my thoughts in another direction, but it was useless. I glanced at the eight-foot tree, the lights blinking, the red and white ornaments sparkling. “The tree looks great,” I commented, sounding casual.
Mark smiled but didn’t say anything. His stare pulled me in again, making me feel like I might come apart at the seams if he didn’t stop looking at me that way.
I quickly buried my eyes in my book, but sitting across from him, I couldn’t help but watch how patient and affectionate he was with Tyler. What would happen after the holidays, when everything returned to normal? I already knew the answer. Tyler was going to miss having his father around. He was going to be hurt when Mark was gone.
And so will you.
“Ma-Ma,” Tyler called, snapping me out of my thoughts.
“Hey, sweetheart, whatcha doing?” I asked, resting my chin in my palm, an affectionate smile tugging at my lips.
Tyler tipped his head to one side and pointed to the page. “Doggie.”
I giggled, nodding. “Yes, that’s a doggie.”
“Doggie,” he mimicked, looking proud of himself.
Mark looked up from the book. “Have you thought about getting him a dog?”
I nodded. “My parents have a yellow Lab that Tyler adores. I’d love to get him one, but I don’t have the time or the patience to train it.”
“I’ll train him,” Mark offered without missing a beat.
I raised an eyebrow at him. “How do you plan to train a dog from Ft. Meade?”
Mark looked like he wanted to say something more, but then he changed his mind. Instead, he sat the book aside and propped his elbows on his knees. “I’ll find a way. You know there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for my little man.”
I knew that. Mark had developed a special bond with Tyler, and though it worried me a little, I was also pleased. It was good to have Mark around, even for a little while.
A knock at the front door shattered my thoughts. I handed Tyler back to Mark and got up to answer it. When I opened the door, I froze, my eyes widening in surprise. Malcolm.
“Hey, sweetheart.” He pulled me into his arms and kissed me on the mouth before I had a chance to react.
By the time he released me, I found my voice. “When did you get back?”
“Two hours and fifteen minutes ago. I couldn’t wait to see you, so I came straight over from the air—” Malcolm stepped into the house, then stopped short when he saw Mark. He looked from me to Mark, then back to me again. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you had company.”
I closed the door, feeling Malcolm’s eyes on me. “Um... I’d like you to meet Mark.”
Mark lowered Tyler to his feet and stood, his expression unreadable. “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name. You are...” He extended his hand, his voice calm and composed.
“Malcolm Cole, real estate attorney,” Malcolm said as he met Mark’s hand with a firm grip.
“Captain Mark Saunders, United States Army... Tyler’s father.”
I didn’t miss the surprise that flashed across Malcolm’s face before his eyes flickered with something—disbelief, maybe?
“So... you’re finally home,” he said, his tone dripping with sarcasm.
Mark’s mouth curved into a tight smile, more of a grimace than anything. “More than you know.”
Malcolm slipped a possessive arm around my waist, drawing me close. “Well, you have a great son.”
“I know,” Mark replied, his gaze never wavering.
I could feel the tension between them, thick and heavy. I stepped aside, leaving Malcolm’s embrace, my laugh nervous. “We just finished decorating the tree.”
Mark shot me a look that seemed to say, “We?”
Okay. Maybe I hadn’t helped, but Malcolm didn’t need to know that.
Tyler started toddling around the room, and Malcolm crouched down, calling to him. “Come here, Tyler.”
Tyler looked at him, then Mark, before turning and running straight into his father’s arms. “Da-Da!” he squealed, arms outstretched.
Mark’s face softened as he lifted Tyler in the air, the love in his eyes unmistakable. “Daddy’s right here.”
I cleared my throat, feeling a lump form as I watched the scene. This was so awkward. “Tyler’s grown quite fond of his father,” I said, trying to explain the apparent connection.
Malcolm snorted, the sound rude and dismissive. “I find that quite interesting, especially since he’s never been around before.”
Mark’s jaw tightened, but he kept his tone even. “Some things couldn’t have been helped. But now that I’m back, I plan to stick around permanently.”
The challenge in Mark’s voice was clear, and I knew I had to step in before things escalated. “Mark, didn’t you have somewhere you needed to be this evening?” I asked, trying to defuse the situation.
Mark shook his head. “Nope. No place I need to be. But don’t mind me. You and Malcolm make yourselves comfortable while I get my son ready for bed.” He raised Tyler onto his shoulders and walked down the hall, leaving me and Malcolm to stare after him.
As soon as he was out of earshot, Malcolm turned to me with a glint of disapproval. “How long has he been back?”
I hugged my arms to my middle, feeling like I was on the edge of a cliff. “Two weeks.”
Malcolm shook his head. “You should have told me he was back. I could have cut my trip short. I’m sure his return has been difficult for you.”
More than you’ll ever know. The thought of the attraction between Mark and me made my heart race, the memories of his touch lingering.
Malcolm looked at me, his gaze intense. He was a perfect gentleman, the ideal choice for any woman—except me.
He was handsome, with that round face and large, dark eyes framed by lashes most women would kill for. His nose was broad, his mouth full, complementing his light milk chocolate complexion. He was a few inches taller than me, with a lean body that he kept in shape by running three miles every morning like clockwork. Even after a long flight, he was dressed as if he’d just stepped out of a courtroom—black suit, black tie, everything perfectly in place.
“He has a lot of nerve showing up after abandoning you,” Malcolm hissed, his eyes hard.
Not that it’s any of your business.
“Yes, well, we’ve worked through that,” I said, trying to keep my tone neutral.
“Is he staying here?”
“Heavens, no!” I gasped. “He’s staying with his parents.”
A satisfied light entered his eyes. “Good.” Malcolm curved his arm around my waist again, pulling me close and kissing my temple lightly. But instead of comfort, all I felt was a growing discomfort.
I managed to pull back slightly, sighing. “Malcolm, this really isn’t a good time. I’m tired, and I’d like to get Tyler in bed and send Mark on his way.”
“Would you like me to help?” he offered, his voice warm.
I looked at the man I wished I had stronger feelings for and shook my head. “No. I can handle it.”
Malcolm hesitated, then flashed me a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “All right. Only if you and Tyler promise to have dinner with me Tuesday night?”
A soft smile touched my lips. “Okay.”
“Good, I’ll pick you up around six.” He brushed a light kiss over my lips, but it left me feeling empty, wishing those were Mark’s lips instead.
Damn you, Mark, for turning my world upside down.
When Malcolm finally left, I went in search of Tyler. I could hear his laughter echoing down the hallway, guiding me to the bathroom, where the door was slightly ajar. Mark was kneeling in front of the tub, shirtless, his broad back facing me. “Okay, Champ, let’s get those legs,” he said, his voice filled with a tenderness that tugged at something deep inside me.
The sight of him, so at ease with our son, nearly unraveled me. The way his muscles moved under his smooth, bronze skin as he bathed Tyler and the sound of my baby’s delighted laughter was almost too much. I shook off the feeling, reminding myself that the only man I should be interested in had just walked out the door. Tyler was playing with his toy boat in the tub, completely absorbed in his little world.
“What’s my favorite man doing?” I asked, lowering the toilet seat and flopping onto it, trying to sound casual. Mark didn’t turn around. He focused on Tyler, swooping his hand through the water like a wave, making the boat rock back and forth.
“Your boyfriend didn’t have to leave on my account,” he said, his tone easy but with a hint of something deeper.
“He’s not my boyfriend,” I snapped back. Then, I wondered why I lied.
Mark looked over his shoulder at me, his gaze steady. “Then what is he? After all, you made it pretty clear a couple of days ago that the two of you were involved.”
I pressed my lips together, unwilling to get into it with him. Not now. “
Okay, Champ. Let’s get you out before you shrivel up like a prune.” Mark raised the lever, and the water began to drain from the tub. He wrapped Tyler in a large towel and lifted him out, still keeping his back to me as he carried him across the hall into his bedroom. I followed. “You want to hand me a diaper?”
I reached for one from a large box on the floor beside the crib and handed it to him, watching as he got Tyler dressed for bed. It was a ritual I’d handled alone until recently, but now, seeing Mark take on the role so naturally.
Mark slipped Tyler’s shirt over his head, then stood up, turning to face me. My mouth went dry, and my brain turned to mush. The sight of him standing there, bare-chested, wearing low-slung jeans, made it hard to think straight. I inhaled deeply, trying to steady myself. Mark was gorgeous. Lean muscles rippled across his torso, his shoulders broad, his complexion was like dark roast coffee beans, and a dusting of dark hair trailed down his chest, disappearing into his jeans.
“Essence.”
“What?” I snapped my gaze back to his face, catching the playful smile that tugged at his lips.
“Do you mind putting on a pot of water while I put Tyler to bed? I would love a cup of hot cocoa.”
“Uh...sure,” I replied, though my voice was shaky. I couldn’t think straight with him standing there looking like he just stepped off the cover of Ebony Man .
But despite knowing better, my gaze drifted back to his chest. The way his muscles clenched as he towel-dried Tyler’s hair—it was too much. It was time for Mark to go.
“On second thought,” I began, forcing my gaze upward above his neck, “I’ll put Tyler to bed.”
“I can do it,” he offered, his tone soft but firm.
“And so can I,” I shot back, feeling selfish as I held out my arms. “Come on, sweetheart. It’s time to go beddy-bye.”
But Tyler had other ideas. He moved to stand behind Mark’s leg, clinging to his father’s calf as if he never wanted to let go.
“Tyler, come to Mommy,” I said, trying to sound patient. When he didn’t budge, I added, “Don’t you want me to finish reading the doggie story?”
He shook his head, his grip on Mark’s leg tightening.
“Tyler, please come give Mommy a kiss,” I said, trying to keep my voice even. But it stung, knowing my son preferred his father over me.
Mark looked down at our son, his expression gentle. “Tyler, go to your mother.”
Tyler’s lips quivered into a pout, and when his eyes filled with tears, I couldn’t stand it.
“It’s okay, honey. Mark, you go ahead and put him down.”
Mark must have seen the frustration in my eyes because he didn’t hesitate. “How about we do it together?” he suggested.
I nodded, relieved when Mark reached for his shirt and pulled it over his head. I wasn’t sure how much more of him I could take without completely losing it.
I flopped onto the bench seat by the window, watching Mark read to Tyler while they sat together in the rocking chair. Tyler, content and sleepy, sucked on his bottle of milk, his little hand clutching Mark’s arm for comfort. It wasn’t long before he drifted off to sleep. Tyler had quickly grown attached to his father, earning a special place in Mark’s heart. If only Mark could open up his heart to me, too, I could accept his offer of marriage. Then our family would be complete. But instead, Tyler would be torn between two people. I wasn’t sure how he’d react when he no longer saw Mark every morning.
There hadn’t been many men in Tyler’s life. His grandpa, Liz’s husband, Tamara’s husband, and yes, Malcolm. Tyler was a friendly child and liked Malcolm well enough, but his attachment to Mark was instant. Tyler liked Mark from the start.
I frowned, realizing I hadn’t anticipated Tyler becoming attached so quickly. After what happened in the bathroom, I was worried. What would happen when Mark left? His leaving nearly destroyed me two years ago. What would it do to our son?
“I think he’s asleep,” Mark whispered, breaking into my thoughts. With Tyler in his arms, he rose from the rocking chair and moved to the bed, gently laying him on the mattress.
I stood and moved to his crib, grinning as I looked down at Tyler. “Yes, he is.” I adjusted his blanket, brushed my hand over his dark curls, kissed his head, and exited the room behind Mark.
“He was one tired little guy,” Mark commented as we stood outside Tyler’s door. Now that he was asleep, we were finally alone.
Nodding, I added, “He had a full day at the mall.”
“I can tell.”
A reluctant grin tugged at my lips. “And don’t forget the Christmas tree. I have to admit that was a good idea.”
Mark massaged the back of his neck and smiled. “Thank you.”
I walked into the living room and glanced out at the night sky. Small flakes were falling again, sticking to the ground as I searched for the right words. “I’m concerned about Tyler.”
“Concerned about what?”
I inhaled deeply, realizing Mark had come to stand directly behind me. I lost my train of thought when I felt the warmth of his chest against my back. He wrapped his arms around my waist, resting his chin on my shoulder.
“Baby, tell me what’s bothering you.”
I couldn’t ignore the electric current his touch generated through my body. I braced against the impact he had on my senses and steeled myself not to respond when his mouth brushed against my neck.
Mark turned me slowly around. I gazed into his eyes and found the muscle on his face was tense, and the look in his eyes was serious. His breath fanned my face, fed the flame now spanning my length. “I want you.”
Before I took my next breath, I leaned down and covered my mouth with his own. He took things slow, teasing and coaxing my lips apart, tasting me and encouraging me to taste him. Before I realized what I was doing, I reached up and placed my arms around his neck. He pulled me snuggly against his erection, letting me feel his hard length pressed against my pelvis. Pleasure and heat began flowing through my body and settled between my legs. I found my senses spinning as I lost myself in the soft kisses that teased and tormented me. Suddenly aware of what was happening, I froze.
“Essence, what is it?”
I held up my hand to stop him from reaching for me again. “I can’t think straight when you touch me.”
He frowned, and then his mouth turned up into an earth- shattering grin. “You have a similar effect on me. Only mine is much more obvious.”
I tried not to look down at the obvious below the waistband of his jeans, but my gaze was drawn to that area just the same. He looked as if he strained for release. I had the insane desire to lower the zipper of his jeans and stroke him.
"Mark, please be serious. We need to talk," I said, my voice trembling slightly as I looked away, unable to meet his powerful golden gaze. "Tyler is becoming attached to you."
His look was intense, and when he spoke quietly, all the teasing was gone from his voice and expression. "He should. I’m his father. Would you rather he be frightened of me like he is with your boyfriend?"
"He’s not afraid of Malcolm," I countered, though a part of me wasn’t so sure. "Tyler just preferred to be around you today. He acted the same way with me." I was thinking about what was best for my son. "The problem is, what will happen when you leave? How do you think that’s going to affect him? One day, you’re here, and the next, you’re gone."
"Who said I’m going anywhere?" he shot back, his tone challenging. I braced my hands on my hips, trying to steady myself.
"We both know you must report to Ft. Meade after the holidays."
"I plan to still be around. Tyler is my son. And if you’d stop being so stubborn, you’d see reason and marry me."
"I wish you’d get it through your thick skull—I am not marrying you." Mark stared down at me for what felt like an eternity, his eyes narrowing as if he was trying to pull out the truth I wasn’t ready to reveal. The intensity of his gaze sent a shiver through me, making my pulse quicken. I hated that he could still do that to me, even after everything we’d been through.
“What are you so afraid of? That I won’t love you? Or that maybe, just maybe, you’re still in love with me and won’t admit it?”
My breath caught in my throat. I forced myself to hold his gaze, even though it felt like standing on the edge of a cliff, the ground crumbling beneath me. “This isn’t about fear,” I said, trying to steady my voice despite my heart racing. “It’s about what’s right for Tyler. And for me.”
I stepped back, needing the physical distance as much as the emotional one. The tension between us was thick, almost suffocating, and I needed to clear my head. “You think you can just walk back into my life after two years and pick up where we left off? It doesn’t work that way, Mark. We’re not the same people we were back then.”
He sighed, running a hand through his hair, a gesture I’d seen a thousand times when he was frustrated. “You’re right; we’re not the same. But that doesn’t mean we can’t make this work. Tyler deserves to have both of his parents in his life. Under the same roof.”
“Not if that roof is built on a lie,” I snapped back, the words spilling out before I could stop them. “You’re offering marriage out of obligation, not love. And I won’t settle for that, Mark. I deserve more, and so does Tyler.”
Mark’s expression softened, and I thought I saw a brief flicker of vulnerability in his eyes. He stepped closer, closing the gap between us, his voice dropping to a whisper. “Essence, I’m not asking you to settle. I’m asking you to take a chance on our family. I don’t have all the answers, but I know what I feel with you and Tyler. It’s real, and it’s worth fighting for.”
I wanted so badly to believe him, to let those words wrap around me like a warm blanket, but the fear of being hurt again was like a vice around my heart. It squeezed tighter, making it hard to breathe. “I don’t know if I can do this, Mark,” I whispered, my voice trembling.
He reached out, his hand hovering just above my cheek, but he hesitated and then let it drop. “I’m not going to force you into anything you’re not ready for, but I’m not giving up on us, either. I’ll prove this isn’t just about duty or obligation. I want us to be a family, Essence. A real one.”
His sincerity and the raw emotion behind his voice shook me to my core. But I couldn’t let myself hope—not yet. “You should go,” I said, turning away before he could see the tears that had finally slipped free.
There was a long, heavy pause, and I could feel his eyes on my back, like a weight I couldn’t shake. Finally, he let out a slow breath, the sound full of unspoken promises and lingering tension. “I’ll give you some space, but this conversation isn’t over.”
I nodded, my throat too tight to speak, and listened as he walked to the door. When it closed behind him, the silence that followed was deafening. I sank onto the sofa, my hands trembling as I buried my face in them.
What was I going to do? My heart was tangled in knots, torn between the safety of the life I had built without him and the undeniable pull of the life Mark was offering. A life that, deep down, I knew I still wanted but was too scared to reach for.
* * *
I stormed into my parents' house, slamming the door behind me like it owed me money. The sound echoed through the quiet hallway, competing with the soft strains of Christmas music from the living room. But even the festive atmosphere—the scent of cinnamon and pine, the twinkling lights framing the windows—did nothing to cool the fire raging inside me. I was too heated, too pissed off to sit still, so I started pacing the living room like a caged lion, trying to make sense of the mess that was my life right now. Essence—stubborn, fine as hell, driving-me-crazy Essence—had me twisted up in knots.
The family room was decked out for the holidays. A tall, perfectly decorated artificial Christmas tree stood in the corner, its multicolored lights blinking in sync with the music. The mantle was lined with stockings, each embroidered with our names, and a garland of holly and pinecones draped over it, adding to the cozy vibe that should’ve been calming but wasn’t. Kelly, always too observant for her own good, was lounging on the sofa, arms crossed like she was waiting for this moment. She had that look only a little sister can give when she knows you’re about to blow. A half-decorated wreath sat beside her, forgotten as she watched me with a raised eyebrow.
“You look like you’re about to lose it,” she said, cutting through my thoughts like a hot knife through butter.
I gave her a hard stare. “What are you doing here?”
She shrugged, unfazed by my tone. “I was up in the attic bringing down more Christmas decorations so I can help Mama decorate the dining room tomorrow. Since it’s snowing outside, I decided to crash here tonight.”
I glanced into the dining room at the boxes stacked along the wall, trying to distract my mind from the frustration.
“What’s got you so pissed?”
“I’m beyond pissed, Kel,” I shot back, still pacing, trying to work off the frustration that was damn near choking me. “I’m offering her everything I’ve got, and it’s still not enough. What the hell more does she want from me?”
Kelly sighed, shaking her head like she’d seen this train wreck coming from a mile away. “Mark, I told you, Essence isn’t like those chick-heads you like to date. She’s not the type to settle for a marriage that doesn’t have love at its core. You can’t just package it up nice and pretty with a bow and call it family, for Tyler’s sake. She’s not wired like that.”
I stopped pacing and glared at her, fists clenched like I was ready to throw down. The sight of the holiday decorations and the warmth and comfort they brought only added to the tension building inside me. “You think I don’t know that? But what am I supposed to do? Just let her keep dating some clown named Malcolm?”
Kelly didn’t even flinch. “I’m not sure who Malcolm is, but I’m assuming he’s a guy she’s been seeing who adores her.” She leaned forward, her eyes locking onto mine with that deadly serious look she got when dropping truth bombs. “So yeah. If you don’t get your act together and figure this out, that’s exactly what you’re gonna have to do. Mama told me about your failed attempts to get her to marry you.”
Of course, My mother had spilled the tea.
“Essence wants love, Mark. Real love. Not just some duty-bound promise because you’re trying to play Captain Save-a-Family.”
Her words hit me like a gut punch. “So what? I’m supposed to just… what? Throw everything I’ve been offering her out the window and start acting like some lovesick fool?”
Kelly let out a bitter laugh as if I was missing the obvious.
“That’s your problem right there,” she said, pointing an accusatory finger at me. “You think love makes you weak or that it makes you a fool. But guess what? Love’s the best thing you could ever offer her, and it’s the one thing you’ve been holding back.”
I stared at her, feeling like an idiot, as her words sank in. I’d been so focused on being the man who could provide, protect, and keep everything steady. But love? I’d kept that locked up tight, too scared to let it out—not just with Essence, but with anyone.
“She doesn’t want you because you’re Tyler’s dad,” Kelly continued, her tone softening as she tried to get through to me. “She wants you for you. But only if you’re willing to be real with her. No games, no hiding behind what you think you’re supposed to be. If you can’t do that, then yeah, Malcolm’s will swoop in and give her everything she needs.”
The thought of Essence with Malcolm made my stomach twist like I’d swallowed broken glass. I ran a hand over my face, the frustration giving way to something deeper. Fear maybe? “What if I don’t know how Kel? What if I don’t know how to love her the way she needs?”
Kelly stood up, walking over to me, touching my shoulder. “You do, Mark. You’ve always known. You’re just too damn scared to admit it. But you'll lose her if you don’t hurry up and figure it out. And this time, it’ll be for good.”
I looked down at her, the seriousness in her eyes hitting me hard. She was right. Essence wasn’t going to wait around forever. She deserved more; if I couldn’t give it to her, someone else would.
But the thought of her with anyone else—especially Malcolm—lit a fire under me that burned hotter than anything I’d ever felt. I wasn’t about to let that happen. I couldn’t. “I’ve got to figure this out,” I muttered, more to myself than to Kelly.
She gave me a small, knowing smile, a mix of sympathy and encouragement. “You do that. Essence is worth the fight, but only if you’re willing to fight for the right reasons.”
I nodded, feeling the determination settling in my chest like a heavyweight. I was going to fight for her—for us. But this time, I was going to do it right.