Chapter 12
The following week, we fell into a routine that threw me off balance. Like clockwork, Mark showed up early enough every morning to share a cup of coffee with me. And when I got home from work, there was always something delicious simmering on the stove. We’d eat together, talking and laughing like we were a family. It filled me with a dangerous kind of happiness. This kind made me forget for a moment that our situation was anything but simple. But then, just as Tyler drifted off to sleep after his bedtime story, Mark rose, threw a casual “see ya” over his shoulder, and left. And I’d be left feeling a mix of frustration and disappointment that I couldn’t quite shake.
It was hard being around him, harder than I wanted to admit. Every night, after the door closed behind him, I’d be mad—at him, myself, and this complicated mess. Part of me wanted him to stay a little longer, even though I knew that could only lead to trouble. But how could I help it? Every time he was near, desire blazed through me, setting every nerve on edge. When he was within arm’s reach, I felt my insides twist and pull, and it didn’t matter how cold it was outside—the air between us was electric. I tried to play it cool and act like I didn’t feel anything, but the truth was, when Mark left and I was alone, I felt nothing but the raw ache of wanting him. He didn’t even have to touch me anymore. Just seeing him was enough to set my body on fire. A simple brush against me in passing was like a spark, igniting something deep inside that I couldn’t ignore. I’d tried to avoid situations where he could take advantage, but now, I found myself looking for excuses to be close to him. The nights were the worst. I’d lie in bed, dreaming of being wrapped up in his arms, feeling his warmth inside me, and it was driving me to the edge. I even tried to distract myself. Tyler and I had dinner with Malcolm on Tuesday, and we kissed at the end of the evening. But it was like trying to get full on a side dish when I craved the main course. Kissing Malcolm was nothing compared to what I felt when Mark was near. I didn’t want just any man. Only Mark would do. The emotional roller coaster I was on was exhausting.
By Thursday, I couldn’t take it anymore, so I called Tamara. Talking to my sister was both a relief and a mistake. I spilled every tangled-up feeling I’d been wrestling with when it came to Mark. I wasn’t sure why I did it, maybe because I wanted her advice, or maybe I just needed to hear someone else’s voice of reason. But Tamara wasn’t exactly the sympathetic type. In fact, she thought the whole thing was downright amusing.
“Sis, I told you what you needed to do,” she said, laughing like it was a big joke.
“I’m not sleeping with him,” I muttered, trying to shut her down before she went any further.
“Well, you should,” Tamara shot back, her tone playful but dead serious. “That man wants you, and let’s be real—you want him too, even if you’re too stubborn to admit it.”
When I didn’t respond, she pressed on.
“Listen, Sis, the only way you’ll figure out how you really feel about him is if you give him some. I guarantee it’ll clear things right up.”
I snorted. Leave it to Tamara to think sex is the answer to everything. Sometimes, I wondered how her husband put up with her.
“Just give it a chance before that thing shrivels like a freeze-dried prune.”
And with that, she hung up before I told her to mind her business.
* * *
The dream started out like it always did for me—slow and seductive. I was in bed with Essence, mouth to mouth, naked body joined to naked body. Her legs were wrapped around my waist. Her ankles locked behind my back. I was buried deep inside her...lost in her heat. My hand moved from the curve of her hip up to caress the soft swell of her breasts, bouncing in my hand with each thrust of my hips. My stomach tightened as I listened to her moan with satisfaction and felt her nipple harden beneath my fingers. I was pumping inside her in a smooth, steady rhythm that started out harder, then grew faster. I leaned in to kiss her jaw and then her lips, and she rocked her hips, meeting my thrusts, which were now pumping fiercely, almost out of control. Essence broke away from the kiss, panting and gasping for air. She exploded with her back arched, a broken sob, and my name piercing from her throat. I gave her a few moments to ride that orgasm before I spread her thighs apart, giving me a deeper angle, and then pounded into her. My breathing became heavy and raggedy, and then a growl rose from my throat, and release rocketed through me. Joy became pleasure, and pleasure became a necessity until we were lost in the overwhelming need to belong to each other.
Even while it was happening, I knew it was a dream. The kind you rewound again and again. Tangled in sheets, drenched in sweat, the sweet sound of my release left me aching for more, and then I sat up abruptly in bed.
This isn’t working, I thought. I swung my legs over the side of the bed, moved toward the bathroom, and hopped in the shower. I had never been interested enough in any woman to do more than offer her a quick roll in the sack. Yet, here was a woman who wanted nothing from me while I was the one who wanted more. Hell, I wanted it all. Thoughts of making love to her, really making love to her, made me brick hard, made me groan with frustration. Only one thing would alleviate my problem, and she was not here.
I stepped out of the shower, letting the steam wrap around me like it could somehow wash away all the frustration eating at me. The hot water had done nothing to clear my mind, but at least it had rinsed off the exhaustion that clung to me after another night of tossing and turning. I wrapped a towel around my waist, feeling the cool air hit my skin as I rubbed my hand over my face, trying to shake off the thoughts that wouldn’t leave me alone.
Two hours. That’s all I had before I had to be at Essence’s place. Usually, I’d be ready, looking forward to seeing her, but the way things have been going? Man, I wasn’t sure about anything anymore. These last few days had been nothing but pure torture. I’d backed off and given her some space, thinking if I played it cool and let the chemistry build naturally, she’d finally crack and say yes to marrying me. But all it did was make me realize how stubborn she is.
I should’ve known better. But as long as Tyler was in the picture, I was willing to go through with this plan, no matter how much it messed with my head. There were moments, though, when I thought it might be working. I’d catch a look in her eyes, a slight hesitation. But then, like clockwork, she’d shut it down, and I’d be left standing there, wondering if I was fooling myself.
I sighed, grabbing the bottle of lotion and rubbing my face with the strong scent, trying to wake myself up for real this time. With a little guy like Tyler, I had to be ready for whatever came my way. Maybe I’d grill steaks tonight. She loved it when I cooked for her, and it hadn’t taken long for her to let me take over her kitchen. A small victory, sure, but not nearly enough. Not when every other part of this felt like an uphill battle.
Essence was one tough nut to crack. And I was no closer to convincing her to marry me than I was when I first arrived in Delaware. Every time I made a move, she put up another wall, and I was tired of slamming into them.
My phone buzzed on the counter, snapping me out of my thoughts. I grabbed it, seeing the name on the screen, already knowing this call wouldn’t make my day any better.
“Captain Saunders,” my commander’s voice was all business. “Just wanted to check in and let you know we’re looking forward to your arrival here at Fort Cavazos after the first of the year. It’s going to be a good fit for you, son.”
“Thank you, sir,” I replied, keeping my voice steady, professional, even though inside I wanted to throw the damn phone across the room. Texas. Hundreds of miles away from Tyler. From Essence. This wasn’t how I saw things going down. But what could I say? Orders were orders, and the military wasn’t about to care that my personal life was unraveling.
“We’ve got everything set up for you,” he continued, unaware of the storm brewing inside me. “Looking forward to seeing you in action.”
“Yes, sir. I’ll be ready,” I forced the words out, trying to keep the frustration from seeping into my voice. The last thing I needed was to let my emotions get in the way of my work. But damn, it was hard to keep it all under wraps when the woman I wanted was slipping through my fingers, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.
The call ended, and I stood there momentarily, staring at my reflection in the mirror, water still dripping down my face. I had a short window to turn this around, to convince Essence that we could be more than just co-parents and that we could be a real family. But time was running out, and I wasn’t sure how much longer I could keep this up.
I grabbed my clothes and started to get dressed. I was already working overtime, trying to devise a plan. Maybe grilling steaks tonight wasn’t enough. Perhaps I needed to pull out all the stops, go big, and do something that would remind Essence of what we had and what we could still have if she let go of all that doubt.
Deep down, I knew it would take more than a good meal and some laughs to break through those walls she had around her heart. It was going to take everything I had and then some. And with the clock ticking down to New Year’s, I wasn’t sure I had enough time to make it happen. But you best believe I was gonna try.
* * *
Standing onstage with my students, I watched them belt out "Jingle Bells," their little hands shaking bells in time with the music, and I couldn’t help but feel a surge of pride swell in my chest. The gymnasium was decked out in all its Christmas glory—twinkling lights strung across the ceiling, giant paper snowflakes hanging from every corner, and a massive tree in the center, glittering with ornaments that shimmered like magic under the stage lights. The kids had outdone themselves this year, each dressed in festive holiday colors, with the twins rocking Christmas hats that bobbed with every shake of their heads. They’d gone all out in art class, crafting a sled and cardboard reindeer that Shane had insisted we needed to make everything "extra Christmasy." And then there was Daniel, who’d donned a cotton ball beard and red suit for their rendition of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." Getting him to project his loud voice so his “ho ho ho” could echo across the gymnasium took some convincing, but he nailed it. The audience couldn’t get enough, laughing and clapping as we filed back to our seats, the energy in the room as bright as the Christmas lights twinkling above us.
I was still beaming as I went to the back of the room, where a few other teachers had gathered. The smell of gingerbread and pine lingered in the air, mixing with carols playing softly in the background.
“Essence, your class was amazing!” Tabitha exclaimed, her eyes shining with excitement, the sparkle of the Christmas decorations reflecting in her gaze.
“Thanks,” I said, the pride in my voice unmistakable. “They really did it all themselves.” I glanced up at the stage where the sixth graders were putting on a skit. Still, my eyes kept drifting back to my students, making sure they were on their best behavior, even though the festive spirit in the room made it hard to be anything but joyful.
“Do you have big plans for the holiday?” Tabitha asked, pulling my attention back, the holiday cheer in her voice making me smile.
I nodded, glancing down the aisle once more before focusing on her. “Yes, my family always gets together at my parents’ house. My mother is already baking pies, and I’m sure my father’s working on his famous eggnog as we speak.”
“And what about that handsome man of yours?” she teased, nudging me playfully with a grin that could’ve rivaled the twinkling Christmas lights. “You planning to return after the break with a rock on your finger?”
“I don’t think so,” I replied, trying to keep my tone light, even though the mention of Mark made my heart twist in ways I wasn’t ready to confront.
Tabitha giggled, shaking her head as she adjusted the Santa hat perched on her curls. “Well, I'll take him if you don’t want him! He’s definitely a catch.”
If only it were that easy, I thought, groaning inward as I glanced at the mistletoe hanging above the entrance.
She was right—Mark was definitely a catch. The kind of man who made you think about the future and wonder what it would be like to wake up next to him on Christmas morning or watch him play with Tyler as the snow fell outside. If I had a conniving bone in my body, I could’ve used Tyler to trap him into marriage a long time ago. But that wasn’t me; that wasn’t what I wanted for us. Not really.
Mark had kept his word—he hadn’t mentioned marriage again. And to my surprise, and maybe a little bit of my disappointment, he’d backed off. I hated admitting it, but didn’t know what I wanted anymore. When he asked, I got angry. When he didn’t, I got angry. It was like trying to navigate through a snowstorm without a map.
All I knew for sure was that Tyler needed his father, and Mark needed him, too. The rest of it? It was as tangled as the Christmas lights I’d tried to unravel. Oh, if only I knew the answer was yes. If I had that certainty, I’d marry him tomorrow, mistletoe or not.
As I stood there, trying to sort through the emotions swirling in my head, I glanced across the room, scanning the audience. My heart skipped a beat when I spotted Malcolm walking toward me with a smile and a beautiful poinsettia in his hands. He’d taken time away from his law firm to be here, to support me and my class, and I knew I should feel grateful. But as much as I appreciated the gesture, I couldn’t ignore that familiar pang of disappointment. Deep down, I wished it was Mark walking toward me instead, with that confident stride of his, and that way, he would look at me like I was the only woman in the room. I could almost picture it—Mark grinning, his golden eyes sparkling with pride as he congratulated me on the performance, maybe even teasing me about how adorable the kids looked up there. But that was a fantasy I couldn’t shake, no matter how hard I tried.
“Essence, this is for you,” Malcolm said, his voice gently pulling me out of my thoughts. He handed me the poinsettia, his smile warm and genuine, and I forced myself to return it, even though my heart wasn’t in it.
“Thank you, Malcolm,” I replied, taking the plant from him. It was beautiful—vibrant and full of life, just like Malcolm. But at that moment, all I could think about was how it wasn’t Mark standing in front of me and how wrong that felt.
“You did a great job with your students,” Malcolm continued, looking over at them. “They were fantastic.”
I nodded, trying to focus on the here and now, on Malcolm and his kindness. But it was hard when my mind kept drifting back to Mark. I hated that I was comparing the two, that I couldn’t just let myself be happy with what I had right before me. Malcolm was everything I’d thought I wanted—stable, successful, sweet. But he wasn’t Mark.
“Thanks, I’m really proud of them,” I managed to say, though my voice sounded distant even to my own ears.
Malcolm reached out and gently touched my arm, concern flickering in his eyes. “You okay? You seem a little... distracted since I’ve returned from California.”
I forced another smile, pushing aside the thoughts threatening to overwhelm me. “Yes, I’m fine. Just a little tired, I guess. It’s been a long week.”
He nodded, accepting my answer, but I could tell he wasn’t entirely convinced. And the truth was, neither was I.
As the rest of the assembly continued, I went through the motions—clapping at the right moments and smiling when I was supposed to. But all the while, my thoughts kept returning to Mark. To the complicated, frustrating, infuriating feelings he stirred in me every time we were in the same room.
I wished I could make it stop and turn off whatever it was that kept pulling me back to him. But it wasn’t that simple. Not when Tyler was involved, not when there was a part of me—no matter how small—that still hoped Mark could be the man I needed him to be.
And as much as I tried to convince myself otherwise, that part of me wasn’t ready to let go.