Chapter Twenty-Nine
chapter TWENTY-NINE
E than ground his molars together in an effort to keep from coming down Beau’s throat as the man worked his dick furiously in his mouth. It had been a sneak attack really, one that Ethan absolutely loved, but a sneaky move on Beau’s part nonetheless.
As he stood at the edge of the bed, Beau’s hand kneading his balls and making him gasp for air while gripping his cock and sliding it in and out of his mouth, Ethan was contemplating his next move. He wanted to crawl over Beau so he could wrap his lips around Beau’s cock, but he couldn’t move. He was momentarily trapped in the most satisfying pleasure he’d known for some time. Well, since the last time they were together anyway.
Beau’s mouth was . . . Ahhh, hell . . . fucking perfect.
Widening his stance, he tilted his hips and began thrusting into the glorious heat of Beau’s mouth while gripping his brawny chest for all he was worth.
“So good, baby,” he groaned, unsure how much longer he’d be able to last. Not even sure he wanted to last. “Keep it up and I’m going to come down your throat.”
Beau seemed content with that because Ethan found himself being held firmly in place when Beau wrapped his sturdy arms around his thighs as he continued to drive his cock past his lips while Beau’s head hung upside down off the bed.
“I’m serious, baby. It feels too damn good.” By now, Ethan could barely speak, but he had to warn Beau because the telltale tingle had started at the base of his spine, which meant he was about to lose it. “Oh, fuck yes. Beau, take me. All of me.” Ramming his cock deeper, he felt the back of Beau’s throat caress the head of his dick, and his orgasm ripped through him, making his legs weak as he came with a roar.
Unable to hold himself up when Beau pulled him forward, Ethan tumbled onto the bed on top of him. A few strategic moves and Beau was beneath him, face-to-face.
How the hell had that happened? Beau handled him like he weighed nothing, and 210 pounds certainly wasn’t nothing.
“I warned you,” Ethan mumbled, his body still lingering with the remnants of that intense climax.
“You did,” Beau agreed with a smile. “Totally worth it.”
Ethan stared down at Beau, admiring that sexy smirk and the deep, rich brown of his eyes. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For being you,” Ethan told him. “I’ve...” Ethan slammed his mouth shut, worried he would say more than he meant, and that would ruin things.
“Nuh-uh,” Beau growled, forcing Ethan to his back and straddling his hips.
Beau was heavy, but it was a comfortable weight above him, one he could seriously get used to. One he feared he was getting used to.
Beau once again changed positions so that he was kneeling between Ethan’s spread thighs, his hard cock pressing into Ethan’s hip as he sprawled on top of him. Ethan tried to pull him closer, to bear the full brunt of him, but Beau held himself up on his arms.
“Don’t want to crush you,” Beau whispered against his lips.
“Crush me, please,” Ethan pleaded, wrapping his arms around him. “Just get closer.”
“You want closer?” Beau laughed.
“Absolutely.”
Beau nodded, but then his weight disappeared entirely, and Ethan lifted his head enough to see Beau moving across the room, completely and gloriously naked. He grabbed his bag from the floor and then rummaged through it, pulling out a box of condoms and depositing them on the night table beside the bed.
“Lube?” Ethan asked, laughing and sliding his hands behind his head, settling in for the show.
“Never underestimate me, Walker,” Beau said sternly, grinning deviously.
Never. Ethan was quickly learning that Beau far surpassed most in the brains department. How it was that he was always prepared, always one step ahead, Ethan wasn’t sure.
Ethan began idly stroking his cock as he watched Beau’s graceful movements, enjoying the erotic sight of him naked, his still-hard cock standing proudly from his body, just begging for Ethan’s attention. And when Beau slid onto the bed beside him, he planned to overwhelm him with affection, but Beau turned the tables on him instantly, pulling him on top of him.
It was Ethan’s turn to hold himself up, but Beau hugged him tightly with one arm while pulling his head down so that their mouths met, eliminating the ability to minimize his crushing weight from bearing down on him. Within seconds, the kiss was hot enough to scorch the sun, and since Beau wasn’t complaining, Ethan no longer gave a shit.
Ethan was engrossed in the kiss, licking at Beau’s mouth, sucking his tongue gently, then rougher. Over and over as he slid his hands beneath Beau’s head, holding him tight, never wanting to let him go.
Ethan moaned when Beau’s hands slid down his back, cupping his ass before separating his cheeks and sliding one finger inside of him. He ground his hips against Beau’s, his cock swelling, hardening again as Beau began fucking his ass with one lubed finger.
When did he get the lube?
Breaking the kiss, Ethan rested on one elbow and stared down at Beau. “Fuck me harder,” Ethan begged, spreading his legs and giving Beau better access, watching the passion that consumed his lover. “Condom?” Ethan asked, grinding his hips back against the invasion that was so intense he was beginning to sweat. “I want to feel you inside me,” Ethan told him.
Beau responded by cocking one blond eyebrow, the corner of his sinful mouth tilting up as though telling him he had it covered. Crushing his mouth down on Beau’s once again, Ethan positioned himself so that he straddled Beau’s hips. Once he was where he needed to be, he broke the kiss and planted his hands on Beau’s chest.
“Inside me,” Ethan told him, reaching back behind him to help Beau guide his cock right where he wanted him. “Oh, fuck,” he groaned as Beau slid in, the initial pain stealing his breath, but then replaced by nerve-searing friction.
“E,” Beau growled, his hands clasping Ethan’s ankles gently as he thrust his hips up slowly and Ethan lowered himself onto Beau.
“Tell me, baby,” Ethan encouraged. “Tell me how it feels when I ride your cock.”
Beau didn’t tell him as he’d asked, but the look on his face was unmistakable. There was rapture mixed with something much, much deeper. Something Ethan grabbed on to, pulling it deep inside and letting it fill that cold, dark space inside of him. He was pretty sure it was love, and even if Beau never spoke the words, Ethan knew. He felt it, and in all his life he had never felt something this perfect, this all-consuming.
It still scared him shitless, but he managed to evade the oppressive, frustrating worry. At least for the time being.
Lifting and lowering, Ethan rode Beau’s cock as he watched him, their eyes speaking everything that their mouths couldn’t. “Fuck me, Beau,” Ethan groaned, wanting to watch Beau come.
Placing his hands flat on the mattress beside Beau’s head, Ethan lifted his ass, giving Beau room to thrust up into him, which he did with delicious, forceful strokes. Ramming into him over and over, harder, faster until they were both panting and moaning.
“Come for me, Beau.” Ethan forced the words out on a gasp, the friction of Beau’s thick cock against the sensitive nerve endings pushing him closer and closer to another release. “Come inside me.”
Beau closed his eyes, his hands clamping onto Ethan’s hips, pulling him down hard as Beau thrust up into him one final time before growling his release. Ethan was engulfed in a full body tremor as he came in spurts—not as vigorously as before, but definitely just as satisfying—on Beau’s chest, his eyes locked on his face. Beau was the most beautiful, magnificent man Ethan had ever known. And right then and there, with their bodies connected as one, Ethan knew without a doubt that he was in love with him.
And surprisingly, that wasn’t what bothered him.
It was the lengths he was willing to go to in order to be the man Beau deserved that scared the shit out of him.
ETHAN HAD BEEN quiet ever since they’d left the hotel room. Beau hadn’t figured out a way to ask him what was bothering him. He didn’t think it had anything to do with their lovemaking, but he didn’t know that for certain, and it was beginning to bother him.
They’d showered together afterward, agreeing that they needed to find food before one or both of them died from starvation. Granted, that wasn’t likely to occur, but Beau had certainly worked up an appetite.
When Beau had suggested they go to dinner at one of the steakhouses he’d read about in the leather-bound hotel booklet, he fully expected Ethan to shoot down the idea, yet here they were, sitting in a booth across from one another. And yes, Beau was nervous as hell.
Would this be considered their first date? Beau figured technically it would, which had another wave of anxiety rippling through him.
“Have you figured out what tattoo you’re gonna get?” Ethan asked after they’d ordered a couple of beers and their food.
“Yeah.” Beau had known the exact words he wanted, and even after he’d contemplated finding something else, he still came back to the words that rang true for him.
“Well?”
“Well what?”
“What are you going to get?”
“You’ll just have to wait and see,” Beau said with a smirk.
“Fine.” Ethan laughed, turning his beer bottle in his hands as he picked at the label. “I got you an appointment tomorrow at one o’clock.”
Beau nodded, happy to know that Ethan had actually called. They hadn’t talked about the logistics, but then again, the sole reason they had come to Houston was for that tattoo.
“What about you? Wanna get another?”
“Nah,” Ethan said, not bothering to look up at him. “I only wanted that one.”
“You never did tell me what it means.”
“It’s a quote.”
“Well, I figured that one out for myself, Einstein,” Beau retorted, taking a swig of his beer.
“What do you think it’s supposed to mean?”
“Well, if you’re quoting from Hamlet ,” Beau began, grinning at Ethan’s creased brow, “and if I recall correctly, it’s when Polonius is speaking to his son, Laertes, advising him to be true to himself.”
“Shakespeare much?” Ethan asked, staring at him as though he’d lost his mind.
“I happen to like Shakespeare,” Beau said, leaning back and staring at Ethan. “So, what does it mean for you?”
Ethan watched him for a moment before he said, “Pretty much the same thing.”
“Be true to yourself? Were you doing it as a personal reminder?”
“Yes,” Ethan said abruptly.
Knowing the conversation was about to take a dark turn, Beau opted to lighten the mood. “Does Zane know about it? He’d sure give you shit about it if he did.”
Ethan grinned, the storm clouds that had brewed momentarily disappearing right before Beau’s eyes. The pressure that had settled uncomfortably on his chest lifted as Ethan’s eyes lit up.
“You’re right. And no, he doesn’t know. Or let me rephrase that. I haven’t told him. I’m sure he’s probably seen it.” Ethan smiled, and it appeared only slightly forced. “How did you and my brother end up being friends, anyway?” Ethan asked, leaning back in the booth and resting his arm over the top edge.
God, the man was sexy. Everything he did made Beau want to jump him. Public or not, he really didn’t give a shit.
“What are you trying to say?” he goaded Ethan with a mirroring grin.
“Y’all are like night and day.”
“Well, there’s something to be said about opposites attracting, right?”
“True. And the two of you are that.”
“Are you saying I’m not fun?”
“Not at all. I’m saying you aren’t insane.”
“Well, there is that,” Beau agreed.
The waiter chose that moment to bring two more beers and a loaf of bread that went untouched between them. Beau grabbed a new beer and pushed the empty away while Ethan did the same.
“Seriously though, y’all have been friends since what? The first grade?”
“Something like that,” Beau said. For as long as he could remember, he’d been friends with Ethan’s younger brother. Zane was like the brother he never had.
“I remember going to football games when Zane played.”
Beau fought the urge to frown. Thinking back on his football days was bittersweet. The friends, the fun, all the laughs he shared with the guys in high school, those had been great times. But despite any attempt to ignore the bad times, Beau had a hard time separating his father and football. The two seemed to go hand in hand, and just like Beau’s ties were severed with football when he had injured his arm his senior year, so was any conceivable relationship he had with his father.
“You were in a car accident your senior year, right?” Ethan asked, clearly having an exceptional memory.
“Yeah,” he said, forcing a hint of a smile on his lips. “Bunch of us were out fucking off. Black ice caught us by surprise, and the truck we were in flipped. My arm was crushed. That was the end of my football career.”
“Do you miss it?”
“Football?”
“No, high school,” Ethan barked with a laugh. “Of course football.”
“Not really, no.” That was only a partial lie. He missed the thrill he got when he went out on the field, the roar of the kids and their parents. There was no doubt Beau had thought he’d be off to the NFL eventually just like everyone else had, but that dream came to an abrupt halt because they were out being idiots after a freak ice storm.
“What about you? You play sports?”
“Nah. I was too involved in FFA to take on sports.”
“So, you wanted to be a farmer, huh?” Beau joked, spinning his beer bottle in his hands.
“Nope, just knew I had to do something to pass the time. I always wanted to go to work for my brothers.”
“You mean for yourself?”
“I guess I don’t see it that way, but yeah. I wanted to work at Walker Demo. Fixing things has always been a hobby of mine.”
Beau nodded, understanding completely. He’d been the same way. When he wasn’t playing football, he’d spent time at his uncle’s shop, working on cars and some of the heavy equipment. Usually anything to keep him away from the cold chill of his parents’ house.
Their food was brought out just in time. Beau enjoyed the steady, easy conversation, but he also felt as though they were dancing around the subjects that were most important. Specifically, Beau had questions he wanted to ask because, until he knew the answers, he didn’t know how to map out what the future might hold.
Not that he should’ve been mapping out anything. He was supposed to be enjoying the moment, getting to know Ethan on a comfortable level. But for some reason, Beau wanted to know him on a deeper level. What made the man tick? What made him hide even when they both knew his parents and his brothers would be nothing but supportive of him?
The conversation continued over dinner, mostly Beau relating incidents from high school, all usually involving Zane though the man never seemed to get caught. He was almost as bad as the twins when it came to practical jokes.
Once their empty plates were cleared away, the waiter brought two more beers, and Beau settled in. They had nowhere to be and no one to worry about, so it seemed that talking—outside of the bedroom—was the ideal way to spend the evening.
Even if Ethan wasn’t going to like the direction Beau was headed with the conversation.
“What’s wrong?” Ethan asked, tipping his beer bottle to his lips. “I see the wheels spinning. You’re going to ask me something, and I’m not gonna be happy about it, am I?”
Beau smirked. “Probably not, no.”
“Get it out there,” Ethan said softly. “I know you have questions, I just can’t promise I can answer them. Not easily anyway.”
Did Beau really need the answers? Couldn’t he just be satisfied with moving forward in the direction they were going?
No, unfortunately, he couldn’t. Especially since the direction was going to be much like it had been if he didn’t dig deeper. And quite frankly, Beau wasn’t all that keen on the idea of spending the rest of his life hiding who he was from those he cared about. It was hard enough to watch Ethan do it.
Beau paused for a moment, trying to choose his words carefully. “The other night, at Moonshiners. Reardon mentioned something about his family.”
Ethan’s eyes narrowed, and his lips formed a hard line. Clearly Beau had hit a sore spot. Ever since Reardon made the comment, Beau had wondered what he was referring to. It was evident based on his reaction that Ethan knew exactly what he was talking about.
Ethan’s sharp inhale caught Beau’s attention, and he looked up, watching and waiting. He could see his brain working overtime, knew he was about to say something, but Beau wasn’t sure whether it was going to be a story or simply a “Fuck off.” Either way, Beau wanted to know where he stood with Ethan, and this was the moment of truth. If he wasn’t willing to open up at this point, Beau knew there was probably no hope for the future.
“Jimmy Reardon has a younger brother. His name was Gavin.”
Beau caught the use of past tense mixed with present, but he didn’t say a word.
“Gavin was...” Ethan paused, taking a pull of his beer as he stared down at the table. “Gavin was the first guy I was ever with.”
Understanding dawned immediately, but Beau didn’t speak up, not wanting to interrupt.
“I was nineteen and Gavin had just turned twenty when we...”
Again, Ethan trailed off, and Beau tried to read between the lines, but he had no idea how to fill in the blanks. He tried to nurse his beer slowly, wanting to be patient with Ethan, but he found himself fidgeting.
“Anyway,” Ethan began, his eyes looking glazed as though he had disappeared somewhere in the past. “I fell in love with him. I lost my virginity to him.” Ethan took a deep breath and continued, “One night he asked me to meet him at the lake. Since we’d been doing that every night for almost a full week, I agreed without question. When we got there, he wanted to talk. That’s when he told me that he wasn’t gay and that he hadn’t meant to sleep with me.”
Hadn’t meant to? How the hell was that possible?
“He said it was a mistake and told me that I shouldn’t have forced him. I didn’t force him, Beau.” Ethan looked directly at him, his eyes almost crazed for a moment. “I swear.”
The last two words were a mere whisper, and Beau wanted to reach out and take Ethan’s hand, but he didn’t dare. They were in a restaurant, and he knew Ethan would panic if others were around, so Beau gripped his beer bottle tightly in an effort to keep from doing just that.
“That night, Jimmy showed up. Before I knew what was going on, he was beating on me. With a fucking baseball bat. Gavin stood by and watched, but he didn’t try to help. He didn’t even try to stop his brother. I thought I was going to die that night.”
Ethan’s usual deep baritone was raspy, like his throat was closing up and the words were painful to get out.
“They left you there?” Beau couldn’t hold back the question. The outrage that erupted in his gut was so powerful, he was surprised his beer bottle didn’t collapse into shards beneath his death grip. The son of a bitch beat Ethan and left him for dead. And the man Ethan loved had fucking watched?
“Yeah, they left me there. Luckily I had my cell phone. I managed to call Sawyer and he found me, took me back to his house. Greyson wanted to take me to the hospital, but I refused.”
Greyson, the paramedic. Shit. Ethan must’ve been bad off for that to be necessary. Being that Beau was just a couple of years younger, he wondered how he’d never known about this. Surely he would’ve remembered something that horrible happening to one of Zane’s brothers.
“I stayed with Sawyer for a couple of weeks. Refused to see my parents or my brothers until I healed enough that I could brush off the questions.”
“No one knows about this?” Beau knew his skepticism was apparent.
“No one besides Sawyer, Jimmy, Greyson, and Gavin.”
“Where’s Gavin now?” Beau asked, knowing that the answer wasn’t going to be a simple one, like “he moved” or “he went off to college.”
“Gavin’s dead.” The clouds in Ethan’s eyes disappeared and were replaced with devastating sadness.
“Dead?”
“Gavin killed himself a month after that.” The words were a tormented rasp that Beau barely heard.
“I loved him. I even tried to forgive him, but he wouldn’t listen.”
“Did you...” Beau couldn’t even get the question out.
“Did I what?”
“Were you the one who found him?”
“Yeah.” Ethan glanced down at the table for long minutes, not saying a word.
Beau considered changing the subject, but they had made it this far. Ethan had been holding this inside for so long, he only prayed that by urging Ethan to tell the story, he was able to alleviate some of Ethan’s pain. He doubted it would help, but he still hoped.
“Gavin texted me. Told me he was willing to talk, but I had to come to his house. I didn’t want to and told him as much. There was no way I was going to risk running into Jimmy. Anyway, I couldn’t say no because I wanted to see him.
“When I got to his house, his front door was standing open. I called out, fully expecting another setup, but there was no one there. Idiot that I was, I walked in the house and went in search of Gavin. Something pushed me forward, telling me I had to find him. I knew before I even walked in his room what he’d done. He had overdosed on some prescription pain pills that his mother had. He was dead when I got there.”
It was Beau’s turn to look down at the table. Gavin Reardon had killed himself. Had he done it because he was gay? Beau knew the unfortunate statistics of suicide. He’d read about them. And young gay men were amongst those with the highest rate of suicide attempts.
It was disheartening.
The waiter interrupted them when he brought the bill, but Beau paid him no mind, nor did Ethan. He wanted to show Ethan that he could share his story, and he could still move forward.
It might not be easy, but it had to be done.