Chapter Thirty
chapter THIRTY
E than could hardly swallow past the lump in his throat. He was angry, and he was sad at the same time. He was pissed that Beau had gotten him to open up about something that he didn’t want to talk about. On the other hand, he felt somewhat lighter, even if his heart still ached for Gavin.
No one knew exactly why Gavin took his own life because he didn’t leave a note. Ethan had a theory, not that he would ever share it with anyone. It was obvious Gavin was gay and coming out didn’t seem to be an option for him. Especially after the way Jimmy had reacted to Ethan.
If he thought about it, Ethan was pretty sure Gavin had loved him. Although the memory was fuzzy, Ethan was almost certain Gavin had told him as much the first time they made love, but again, he would never know for sure.
And it was true, the bullies were everywhere, especially in their small redneck town, and it didn’t help that Gavin’s own brother was amongst them. But Ethan still carried the guilt because he felt as though he could’ve stopped him. Could’ve made him understand that everything would be all right.
But would it have been all right? It surely hadn’t been for Ethan. He’d had to keep himself locked up in that proverbial closet so that he didn’t draw attention from the Jimmy Reardons of the world or he risked something far worse than some cracked ribs, a broken nose, and a busted face. He’d been lucky. The evil still lurked everywhere he turned.
Ethan drained the rest of his beer and spun a knife on the table as he tried to collect his thoughts. Staring back at Beau, he said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to tell you that now.”
Beau gave him a questioning look as he pushed his beer away. “Would there have been a better time?”
He heard the annoyance in Beau’s usually calm tone.
No, there certainly wasn’t a good time to talk about Gavin and all that had been lost back then. Not only had Ethan been beaten, but he’d lost the only man he had ever loved. It was the one and only reason he didn’t fall in love. He didn’t want strings. Nothing to bind him to someone so tightly that he would ever feel that kind of pain again. “No,” he said simply.
“I’m glad you told me, E,” Beau said, and his hand moved across the table to touch his.
Ethan didn’t pull back, unsure why not. Had he been thinking clearly, he would’ve looked around to ensure no one was looking, yanked his hand as far back as he could. But for some reason, he needed Beau’s reassuring touch, needed everything Beau had to offer him even if he had nothing to give in return.
“Let’s get out of here,” Ethan told him, forcing a smile.
Beau nodded as he pulled his hand back to his side of the table. Ethan snatched the check off the table and tossed his credit card in the folder.
While they waited for the waiter to do his thing, Ethan stared at his hand, feeling the loss of Beau’s warmth and realizing just how much he missed his touch.
A SHORT WHILE later, Ethan was walking into their hotel room with Beau right behind him. He was emotionally drained, and he was pretty damn sure he’d ruined Beau’s night. He had tried to apologize again, but Beau had shut him up with a glare.
Glancing at the bed, he suddenly wished they’d opted for two double beds. He doubted that Beau would want to be anywhere near him at this point.
Dropping onto the edge of the mattress, Ethan removed his boots, his socks, and then pulled his shirt up and over his head. Scooting back on the bed, he propped himself up on a pillow and tried to relax on top of the comforter that was still rumpled from their earlier encounter.
Heat infused his body as he remembered what it felt like when Beau had been balls-deep inside him, staring straight into his eyes as though he were the only man in the entire world who had ever meant anything to him. It was nice to hang on to that dream for a while because he sure as shit knew it wasn’t a reality.
“Lose the jeans,” Beau told him, but Ethan didn’t make a move to comply. He was emotionally and physically exhausted.
He watched as Beau stripped down to bare skin. Despite his own reluctance, his body had other ideas as soon as he got an eyeful of the perfect male specimen that was Beau Bennett.
“Well, if you won’t do what I ask, then I’ll just have to do it for you,” Beau said as he moved around to the side of the bed Ethan had claimed.
Watching, his breath lodged in his chest, Ethan couldn’t deny the intense satisfaction he felt when Beau unbuttoned his jeans and then carefully pulled them down his legs until he was lying there as naked as the day he was born.
But that’s where Beau’s seduction ceased. Ethan stared in disbelief as Beau moved around to the opposite side of the bed, pulled the blankets back, and then crawled in beside him.
“Come here,” Beau said curtly, trying to push the blankets out from under Ethan.
Not wanting to cause any more problems for the night, he did as Beau asked and situated himself beneath the blankets and then flipped off the lamp on the bedside table.
“I said come here,” Beau told him, his command leaving no room for any misunderstanding.
Before he had the opportunity to move, Beau was pressed up against him, his hard chest against Ethan’s back, his firm, solid thighs brushing up against the backs of his own.
God, it felt good to be held. Just to have Beau’s strong arms wrapped around him. Their fingers twined together, and Ethan held them close to his chest, breathing slowly, deeply.
“Thank you for sharing with me tonight.”
Ethan laughed without mirth. “Thanks for letting me ruin the night.”
Beau tugged his hand, forcing him over onto his back, and Ethan stared up into Beau’s dark eyes, the faint light coming in through the open curtains making it possible for him to see somewhat.
“You didn’t ruin anything, E. Just being here with you is more than I ever expected.”
Ethan swallowed, unsure what to even say to that.
“Now sleep. I’m right here if you need me.”
Ethan nodded, not sure whether Beau could actually see him or not. Turning back to his side, he snuggled in deeper against Beau, wanting—no, needing—to feel him.
BEAU DIDN’T CLOSE his eyes, didn’t even try to sleep. He simply held Ethan in his arms, breathed in his intoxicating scent, and sent up a silent prayer, thanking God for giving him this.
He’d spent his entire life confused about who he was, about what he wanted, about what would possibly make him happy. He’d found clarity when V had so graciously convinced Zane to give Beau what he needed. And true, he had needed Zane. But not for anything more than clarification of what he’d believed for a long time.
Was that wrong? Maybe some would see it that way. Not Beau. And he knew from their last conversation that Zane didn’t harbor any ill feelings toward him. They were friends, as close as brothers, and he cherished that relationship, but no, like he’d told Ethan, Beau didn’t love Zane. Never had loved him other than like family.
Then again, it had taken Ethan letting Beau in, giving him this chance for him to realize what true love felt like. And this... what he felt for this amazing man was real and true and powerful.
Regardless of how he got here, Beau was just thankful he was here. Here with Ethan.
After months of wondering whether he was chasing his own fucking ass, something had told him to keep at it because the end result was going to be worth it. Whatever had spurred him on had been right. Ethan was worth it. Every ounce of love he felt for this man was worth it.
Hearing Ethan’s story, witnessing his pain... that had been a wake-up call for Beau. It explained so much. Ethan wasn’t in denial, although he’d probably say he was. He knew who he was, he just hadn’t come to accept all of himself.
Maybe Gavin was to blame. Or maybe it was Jimmy. Either way, those men had altered Ethan’s world. Jimmy with his God complex, thinking that he had the right to dole out punishment because someone didn’t measure up to what he believed to be the norm. And Gavin for stealing Ethan’s heart and breaking it into a million pieces.
Sure, Beau’s heart went out to Gavin. He’d been young, confused, and probably in love with someone he knew his family wouldn’t accept. Too bad it didn’t sound like he had a sturdy support system to get him through the confusion. And just like so many unfortunate others, he’d taken his own life. Beau couldn’t even imagine the pain Gavin had been in at the time. He was likely confused, and watching his own brother beat the man he loved had to have been hell.
And maybe Beau had it all wrong, but he didn’t think so.
Unfortunately, Beau couldn’t change the past, didn’t have an option to fix what had been broken. But he was here now. He could love Ethan with all that he was and hope that was enough.
Did that mean he’d have to live his life hiding out with Ethan? Pretending that he didn’t love this man? If he left it up to Ethan, he was sure that would be the plan.
Beau wasn’t sure he could do that. He wasn’t built that way.
He’d spent his life in a house where love wasn’t shared freely, and generally it was only given when something had been proven. Since the moment his football career came to an abrupt halt, Beau wasn’t sure his father had even said the words. He sometimes wondered whether Ben even felt them. Beau loved his parents, but he didn’t look up to them the way he did Zane’s parents.
He wanted the type of love that could be shared freely and openly. Like Travis and Kylie and Gage had. The three of them had gone against the norm, but their families accepted them. And more importantly, they accepted each other. And Travis and Gage were the type of men who would stand up to the world and tell anyone who didn’t believe in what they had to fuck off. Beau wanted a man who would stand up for him, a man who wasn’t ashamed or scared of what they shared. Because Beau was that man. He would go the distance to ensure Ethan knew he was loved and to make sure no one harmed him.
Above all else, Beau would take care of Ethan. Emotionally, physically. It’s what he wanted. Hell, it was what he needed.
He didn’t think Ethan was ashamed of who he was, and he knew damn good and well that Ethan was strong enough to stand up for himself and those he loved. The question was whether he would be able to or not. Would the pain and fear from his past always cripple him to the point where he felt he had to hide?
“Are you awake?” Ethan asked, rolling over onto his back.
Beau shifted with him, refusing to let go. “Yeah, I’m awake.”
“Tell me what you’re thinking about.”
Beau wasn’t sure he could explain it. Knew he didn’t want to. Not if it meant risking what they were sharing at the moment.
“You,” he said truthfully. “I’m thinking about you.” Kissing Ethan’s hair, Beau gripped him tighter.
“Well, then we have something in common,” Ethan said quietly.
“Yeah? You’re thinking about you too?” Beau teased, hoping to pull himself out from under his pressing thoughts.
“Yes, as a matter of fact,” Ethan replied, rolling over to face Beau fully.
Beau chuckled and settled into the bed so that he could pull Ethan closer.
“Now tell me what you’re thinking about,” Ethan told him.
“How I don’t want this to end.” There. He said it. If that sent Ethan running, he’d just have to deal with it.
Silence descended, and Beau’s heart raced as he waited for Ethan to say something.
“I don’t want it to end, either.”
Well, that’s definitely not what he expected him to say.
“What does that mean for us?” Beau asked, curious as to where they were headed from here.
“I’m quite content just like this,” Ethan said, his arm sliding over Beau’s stomach in light, gentle strokes.
“What does that mean when we get back home?” Beau knew he was pushing the conversation in a dangerous direction once again, but he couldn’t help himself. He wanted to know.
“Nothing is going to change for me, Beau.”
And that’s what Beau had been afraid of. Ethan wasn’t willing to change for anyone. He was obviously satisfied with the way his life was, and Beau wanted more than a discreet affair. He wanted the whole nine yards. Unconditional love. A family. All of it.
He was tired of wasting time. Love had evaded him because he had been too confused to know which way to look, and now that he knew without a doubt just what true love felt like, he wanted it.
Permanently.
“I understand,” he whispered, not willing to destroy this moment.
For now he’d let this be enough. Tomorrow or the next day, or even the day after that, then Beau would worry about his next step. Should it have to be without Ethan, then he’d put one foot in front of the other the way he always had before. It would hurt, would tear his heart to shreds, but it wasn’t like he hadn’t experienced it before. He’d managed to let others push him away and he’d survived.
He was sure he could do it again.
He just didn’t want to.