Chapter 16
Evan
Finlay and Chester took their sweet time getting back to the clan house. None of us begrudged them their privacy, especially given what had just happened. If I’d been in that situation with the man I loved, I wouldn’t have let him leave my bed for days after.
Knowing they were probably doing something similar to what Reid and I had been had my head all over the place. Difference was that Chester and Finn didn’t have any restrictions on them. Their relationship could bloom into the beautiful life it was meant to be.
That was never going to happen with me and Reid. We shouldn’t even have hooked up. I had no idea what had happened to my willpower. Apparently all it took to make it disappear was a few tears and whispered pleas.
That wasn’t entirely accurate. Against anyone else, I would’ve stayed strong. But I was starting to suspect that strength wasn’t what Reid brought out in me.
It was weakness.
I still couldn’t believe we’d fooled around. The only part that tracked for me was the way it had ended. The fresh fracture in my heart as I’d slammed my way out of his flat.
“You shouldn’t have killed him…I really wish you hadn’t.”
Well, I had. There was nothing that could be done about it now. And I hadn’t lied when I’d told him I’d do it again. I didn’t regret it.
What we’d done on his couch though…that I regretted. I could’ve lived quite happily without knowing how he tasted, the beautiful ways he responded to my touch, the blissful contortion of his face as he cried out my name.
We’d crossed a line. I guessed I’d been dancing on the wrong side of it for a while. I might not have admitted it, but I’d spent too many hours watching Reid. Learning about him.
Falling for him.
Before tonight, I never would’ve admitted it. Not even to myself.
I couldn’t hide it now.
Reid might be able to return to his side of the line, but I couldn’t. My wolf wouldn’t allow it, and even if he would, I wasn’t sure I’d want to.
That was what I’d meant when I said fate had to be punishing me. It had put my perfect man in my path, and made him the one person I could never have.
I needed a way to be okay with it.
Focusing on the problems at hand would help, especially as they would likely impact Reid. He was right; this situation wasn’t just going to go away.
If anything, it was likely to get worse.
The sheet of paper on the table was proof of that. Such an innocuous looking document given its contents.
None of us were speaking. Logan had tried to get me to open up about how it had gone with Reid, but given up when all I’d give him was that he was upset about his father’s death. Not a lie, given the words he’d thrown at me.
Logan had retreated to a chair, sharpening his favourite dagger while throwing occasional glares at the letter we’d received.
Meanwhile, Calan was staring into the fire, stroking his short beard wordlessly. I had no doubt that he was working through all the possible upcoming scenarios and how we’d deal with them.
As for me? I was staring into the woods like I could make the trees part through willpower alone, giving me a glimpse of Reid.
Brodie was out guarding him right now. Until we knew that the threat from the Clarksons was completely neutralised, I wasn’t taking any chances with his safety.
I barely registered Finn and Chester’s arrival, too busy obsessing about Reid. I ran my thumb repeatedly over my lower lip, trying to erase the feel of his kiss.
Fat lot of good it did. Acid couldn’t burn away the memory of him.
“What happened?” I heard Finn ask.
Logan was the one who answered, his chipper tone belying the words he spoke. “Oh, just declarations of war and devastated humans. You know, the usual.”
“Explain,” Finn growled.
“You do it,” Logan huffed. Hopefully he was speaking to Calan, because I didn’t want to go into it. “I’ll get too angry if I have to say it out loud.”
Thankfully, it was Calan he was speaking to. “This arrived an hour ago.”
From the corner of my eye, I saw him hand the paper to Finn. The letter that accounted for Logan and Calan’s foul mood.
But not mine. Mine was solely due to a five-foot-four man who’d flipped my world up on its head.
Finn was quiet as he read it. “The Clarkson Clan is declaring war because we killed Clyde?”
Okay, so maybe part of my bad mood was due to that, but only because it might affect Reid. I wasn’t worried about the clan.
We knew how to protect ourselves.
“Appears so,” Calan said.
Finn blew out a breath in frustration. “But he broke the treaty. His life was ours to take.”
“Bingo,” Logan said. “See, this is why we’re the dominant clan. The brain cells over there are severely deficient.”
I’d known that for a while. Since discovering that they’d been stupid enough to look the other way while their alpha abused an innocent child.
Finn swore. “This is going to be a clusterfuck to sort out.”
I could hear Chester’s gulp from here. “Are they going to invade tonight?”
“What? No,” Finn said. I turned my head away so I didn’t have to watch him comfort Chester.
So I wouldn’t be reminded of how I’d comforted Reid so similarly just a few hours ago.
“That’s not how it works in shifter conflicts.
This is basically the opening shot in a diplomatic war that’ll likely last years.
It won’t escalate unless they’re really stupid. ”
Logan hummed. “True. They are stupid, but not really stupid. Our warriors outnumber theirs three to one. Plus we have Danny. He’ll come back if needed.”
I let myself zone out as the others discussed getting hold of our former alpha. He’d come back and fight for us—there was no question of that. The issue was tracking him down, something that was going to require Finn travelling to Southampton.
Finn saying Reid’s name had me tuning back into the conversation. “I need the three of you here to keep the clan safe. And Reid. I know Clyde’s dead now, but I don’t trust any of them. Whatever plans he had for his son, I’m willing to bet they’re still in motion.”
My wolf pushed at my skin. I was willing to bet they were too.
“Wait a minute,” Chester said suddenly. “When you said ‘devastated humans’ earlier, did you mean Reid?”
I laughed bitterly but didn’t bother turning my head. “Turns out Reid was more cut up about losing his dad than we thought he’d be.”
“You shouldn’t have killed him…I really wish you hadn’t.”
I cracked my knuckles. “We can just add it to the list of shit he blames me for. At least this one I won’t lose any sleep over.”
No, I’d be losing it over the way I’d allowed myself to comfort him. Over the memory of how it had felt to make him feel good. A sense of power and fierce joy I’d never forget.
Even if I wished I could.
“I can watch over him,” I continued. “He’s got a warrior out there now, but I want to take over.”
“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Finn asked cautiously.
I finally looked away from the window, meeting my leader’s gaze coolly. “I insist. If I’m going to keep fucking up where he’s concerned, at least I can make sure he’s safe while I do so.”
Finn studied me for a few moments before nodding. “Okay, but if you need to switch out at any time, just say.”
The bright flare of relief nudged at the edges of the darkness, but it wasn’t enough to penetrate it. I let it sweep back in as I turned my attention back to the window. To the forest that spanned the miles between me and Reid.
I didn’t listen to the rest of the conversation. I’d let them worry about protecting the clan.
The only one I was worried about protecting was Reid.
The next few weeks passed in almost complete darkness, with just a few brief moments of light piercing it.
All of them involved Reid.
The brightest was when I caught him laughing at some show he was watching on his laptop. I had no idea how he was able to concentrate on it, given he also had his TV on and his Switch in his hands, but that was standard for him.
Even with a third of a mile and a wall between us, I could hear it perfectly. It was as wonderful as I remembered it being when I’d heard it in the bathroom when he’d inadvertently discovered my fear of spiders.
It didn’t last long enough, fading away almost as suddenly as it had begun. As the same darkness that was cloaking me reached its claws out and dragged Reid deeper into its depths.
I hated it. I fucking hated that Reid’s light was dimming with each passing day. I hated that he only left his house to go to work. That he hadn’t seen his friends in months now. That he refused to let any of us sit with him—even Logan.
Reid was isolating himself. I understood why—it was fear. Thanks to Finn and Chester, he knew about the war declaration hanging over the McCarthys. He knew his clan wasn’t backing off.
And he knew what an easy target he presented.
Well, what he thought was an easy target.
Given anyone trying to get to him would have to go through me first, he was anything but.
On the rare occasions I allowed others to guard him, I never ventured far.
I’d return home just long enough to shower and eat, before lurking within earshot of whoever was on duty.
The point was that Reid wasn’t an easy target. But it was one thing to know that, and another to believe it.
And, as much as I hated it, I did understand his logic of keeping his distance from his friends. The Clarksons had already proven that they were capable of using those people loved against them with Chester and Finn.
Reid didn’t want his friends in danger.
Given it was exactly how I felt about him, I got it.
The isolation wasn’t all that was scaring me about Reid. It was how the darkness was claiming each part of his life, one after another.