Chapter 15 #2
Evan growled but didn’t say anything. I didn’t either, but I knew we were both thinking it. His cock would do all of those things. I bet I’d feel him for days after. Maybe a whole week.
Shame it could never happen. This was only about tonight. Spit was fine for frotting, but not penetration. And, as established, this wouldn’t be happening again.
So neither of us acknowledged it, but as Evan caught my mouth in a hungry kiss, I swore I could taste his desperation.
With my orgasm building, I was desperate too. But this was good. It was enough.
It had to be.
My sofa began to creak as Evan worked us faster and harder. I was lost in the sensations. His broad frame surrounding me. My heels pushing rhythmically into the small of his back. The soft strands of his hair wrapped around my fingers. Hot breath on my neck. Deep growls vibrating against my chest.
God, why did this feel so good? It shouldn’t have. We were basically rutting against each other like horny teenagers.
But, somehow, it was more sexual than anything I’d experienced before.
If he’s this talented with frotting, think how well he’d fuck you.
I slammed the door shut on that thought. Nope. Not an avenue we’d be exploring. Not now. Not ever.
“Reid,” he gasped, his hair falling across his eyes. “Reid, this—”
I cut him off with a kiss. I knew what he was going to say. I wasn’t ready to hear it.
I never would be.
With his tongue in my mouth, I felt my orgasm drifting closer. Breaking away, I moaned loudly. “I’m close, Ev.”
Instead of speeding up like I’d expected, he stopped entirely.
My head snapped up. “What are you doing?”
“Not like this,” he muttered, getting up on his knees and crawling backwards.
“What are you—” My words died as he took me in his mouth. “Never mind, carry on.”
Evan huffed—as much of a laugh as he could manage with me filling his mouth. Then, all the humour on his face was replaced with a dark intensity as he took me deeper.
His hand spread across my abdomen as he deep throated me. I knew his eyes were blue, but they looked black as he stared up at me. I couldn’t look away either. I knew I should. I ought to close my eyes, to put some sort of barrier between us, between the intimacy of this moment.
Instead, my hand joined his on my stomach, our fingers brushing. He raised his brows slightly, then laced our hands together.
That’s how I came. Holding Evan’s hand, staring deep into his eyes.
“Fuck,” I cried out, my hips jerking. I tried to stop them, but they had a mind of their own. “Ev, oh fuck!”
To his credit, Evan didn’t gag, just took everything I was giving him. He swallowed every drop, even licking my cock as he pulled off, making sure nothing was missed.
I’d never seen anything so hot.
“Okay?” he asked, lifting his head. “How was that?”
“It’ll be better when you get off too,” I said, my gaze fixed on the swollen length between his thighs.
His throat bobbed. “I’m good.”
The rejection from earlier started knocking at the door again. “Well I’m not. I want you to finish, Evan.”
He chewed on his lower lip. It was on the tip of my tongue to offer to return the favour. To show him he wasn’t the only one who could deep throat like a champ.
But I didn’t. The post-orgasm fog was clearing, and all the reasons we shouldn’t be doing this were creeping in.
It wasn’t enough to make me let Evan leave before he’d come though. I needed to see it. To know the face he made. The sounds.
Why do you need it?
Another avenue I wasn’t going to explore. My brain would undoubtedly wander down it at some point, but not tonight.
“Come on me,” I blurted out. “I want you to.”
Evan seemed uncertain. “Are you sure?”
“Yes,” I said firmly, spreading my thighs wider. “Please, Ev. Give it to me. I wanna watch you get yourself off.”
My words unlocked something in him. Rising up on his knees, he spat in his hand again and started jerking himself off. “You’re so fucking hot, Reid.”
My eyes raked over his chest and torso, memorising the way his muscles flexed. “I’m not the only one.”
He leaned forwards, dropping a brief kiss on my lips. It was so achingly sweet that I almost wished he hadn’t.
“It’s not fair,” he whispered.
I didn’t need to ask him to explain. I knew exactly what he meant. If we didn’t share a past, if I wasn’t so terrified of being with a shifter, if we’d met in another life…
Maybe things would be different.
But we hadn’t.
So they weren’t.
Tonight was all we were ever going to have. A brief glimpse of what if.
I just had to fucking hope that this glimpse didn’t take over my vision. I knew how it felt to spend your life wondering what it would be like if things were different.
I didn’t want to do that with Evan.
We didn’t speak as he got himself off. Instead, we kissed. My hands in his hair, his lips on mine.
As he came, I pulled back to see his face. The lines between his eyes as his orgasm slammed into him. The satisfied tug of his lips. The utter peace that erased the lines of tension I was so used to seeing on him.
For a moment, I let myself imagine that fantasy life. The different ways I could put that expression on Evan’s face. How we could build a fire with secret touches in public, letting the inferno burn once we were behind closed doors.
If things were different, Evan could have been the prince I’d been waiting for. He’d treat me right; I knew that. He wasn’t the male I’d imagined him to be since the conference.
He was someone far more dangerous. Someone with the power to break me in ways my family never could.
Oblivious to the spiral I was on, Evan gave me a sleepy smile. “That was perfect.”
It was. Fuck, it was.
I hated that.
“Let me get you something to clean up with,” he said, easing off me carefully. “Stay right there.”
Logically, I knew I should be the one to find something. We were in my flat, after all. But I knew enough about shifters to know that this was something his wolf wanted. To care. To protect. To cherish.
I’d been wrong. Evan did embody the qualities wolf shifters were proud of. Someday, he was going to make his mate very happy.
But that was never going to be me.
A lump formed in my throat, making it difficult to swallow. I shouldn’t have stopped kissing him. I should’ve closed my eyes so as to never possess the knowledge I now had.
Maybe if I had, I’d be able to breathe properly. Instead, it felt like someone had filled my lungs with glass.
What-if was a dangerous game to play.
You’d think I’d know better by now.
When he returned, a damp flannel in his hand, I reached out to grab it. “Here, I’ve got it.”
He paused with a frown. “I don’t mind.”
I met his gaze to see his wolf staring back at me. It almost had me backing down, but I couldn’t. The lines between us had been blurred, and that was on me. Evan had given me exactly what I needed, but now those lines had to be redrawn. “It’s fine. I’d rather do it myself.”
Once again, I wished I’d looked away. That I hadn’t seen how his shoulders stiffened. How swiftly the tension returned. The utter dejection that flashed through his eyes before he slammed his walls up.
“Okay,” he said quietly, handing it over. “I should get dressed.”
My hand trembled as I wiped away the evidence of what had transpired between us.
There. Like it never happened.
Why did that send a crack through my heart?
I was being ridiculous. Evan and I had hooked up, and that was it. It didn’t need to change or complicate anything. We were both adults here.
But as Evan, now dressed, met my gaze, I knew that wasn’t going to be the case.
“Reid, I think we should—”
“Nope,” I said brusquely, standing up and reaching for the towel. With a few jerky movements, I had it secured back around my waist. “We had fun, Evan, but that’s all it was.”
He stepped closer, not touching me, but close enough that he seemed to take up all the space. “Are you sure?”
“Yes.” I tried to pretend my voice wasn’t shaking, and hoped like fuck that Evan would pretend too. “Thank you for distracting me, it was just what I needed.”
“But now you’d like me to leave so we can go back to how it was before.” It wasn’t a question. It didn’t need to be.
“I think it’s for the best. I enjoyed it, but it was a one-time thing. That’s all it can be.”
He touched my face lightly. “Or it could be something more. We just have to be brave enough to try.”
I took a shaky step back. Evan’s hand hovered in mid-air for a moment before he let it fall dejectedly to his side.
“I’m not brave, Evan. I’m not an immortal shifter with the security of a clan behind me. I’m human, heart and all. It’s been broken by shifters too many times to risk it again. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be,” he said bitterly, a muscle jumping in his jaw. “Maybe this is fate’s way of punishing me.”
I frowned. “What do you mean?”
“Forget it. It doesn’t matter.” He exhaled slowly, running a hand through his hair. My stomach flipped at the memory of how it had felt against my fingers. “Are you going to be okay if I leave?”
I wondered for a split second why he was asking.
Then it all came screaming back.
Clyde is dead.
The Clarkson Clan isn’t going to take this lying down.
You still don’t know what they want with you.
I pressed a hand to my stomach where a knot had formed. “This isn’t going to go away, is it?”
Pity and sorrow flashed across his face. “No, sweetheart. I don’t think it will.”
This was all my fault. If I hadn’t moved here…If I hadn’t kept working for Chester after meeting Finn…If I’d gone on the run when Clyde first showed his face…
There were those what-ifs again. I never learned. And now the McCarthys were going to pay the price for my decisions. It would be them that the ire of the Clarksons would fall on.
“You shouldn’t have killed him,” I said hollowly. I could barely cope knowing a target had been put on the McCarthys, but if my old clan discovered Evan was the culprit… “I really wish you hadn’t.”
“Seriously?” I looked up to see Evan glaring at me. “After everything that just happened, that’s what you want to say to me?”
I ran back over the words in my head, trying to figure out how I’d upset him. This was one of the worst parts of being neurodivergent. Missed social cues meant I often offended others without meaning to.
I reached out to touch his arm. “No, Evan—”
“Don’t,” he said harshly, stepping back and out of my reach.
“I get it. You need a reason to hate me to put the distance back, and now you’ve got one.
But know this: I don’t regret it, Reid. I’d kill the fucker all over again if I could, and I’ll sleep all the better knowing he can’t ever hurt you again. ”
He was gone before I could respond, the echo of the door slamming the only evidence that he’d been there at all.
I slumped onto the sofa, dropping my head into my hands. I hadn’t wanted Evan to be the one to kill my dad because I wanted him to be safe. Of all the McCarthys, he was the one I wanted to protect the most.
But maybe it was better that Evan didn’t know that. It would only confuse things further.
This was for the best. He was right; I needed a reason to keep the lines between us clear.
And the death of my father was as good a reason as any.