Chapter 30
“ W hen exactly were you gonna tell me?” Ada demanded later that night once I finished telling her about the past twenty-four-or-so hours.
I glanced over my shoulder in the direction Lainey had gone to put Kaia to bed, then lowered my voice in warning to keep hers down too. “I just did.”
She scoffed as if I was a good twenty-four-or-so hours late and gave me a disapproving look as she leaned onto the small breakfast bar with her hands shoulder distance apart, mimicking my stance. “Well, then tell me what exactly you’re gonna do about this problem of yours.”
“I already tried talking Lainey into getting far from me.”
A sharp, mocking laugh left her, stopping me from continuing. “Oh my. I know you aren’t stupid, but that sure was a dumb thing you just said.”
I leaned even closer. “She’s your family. You think it’s safe for her to be with me after what I just told you?”
A look somewhere between frustration and disappointment covered her aging face. “Don’t make me smack you,” she muttered. “How many times have you tried using that on my great-niece?”
“Plenty.”
“Well, quit,” she said with another scoff. “If she’s with you and not marrying that good-for-nothing McCoy boy, then she knows how to use her head. And if I ever thought you weren’t safe, I would’ve gone to the ends of the earth to make sure you couldn’t get custody of that baby girl, and I would’ve never put you and my Lainey Ray on the same path. Twice .”
My mouth had been parted to argue, but a stuttered breath was all that left me as that last word tripped me up.
I’d known Ada had been pulling strings and playing matchmaker when Lainey fell back into my life—I’d known. But twice ?
“Twice?” I echoed.
“I’ve worked for you nearly six years. When have you ever known me to drink coffee from a shop?” she asked with a discontented huff. “And do you really think I’d choose to have coffee with my sweet girl in a loud shop, especially when she was about to leave for months?” One of her graying eyebrows lifted. “I know your routine, boy.”
My mind raced back to that day nearly a year ago, seeing it in a new light. A harsh breath fled from me as I rubbed at the back of my neck before leaning into the counter again. “Sometimes I think you’re more trouble than you’re worth,” I told her.
“Welp.” She leaned back and clapped her hands together. “If that’s how you feel, you could always let this old girl retire.”
“No.”
An exasperated sound left her as her hands fell to the surface with a slap. “It’s gonna happen one way or another. The smart thing would be for you to hire someone so I can train them before I go.”
My head moved in small, tight shakes. “Ada, you don’t...you can’t go.”
“Watch me,” she challenged, complete with that ridiculous expression she thought was intimidating.
Sadness welled deep in my chest and mixed with a wave of panic whenever I thought of Ada leaving, but that wasn’t something I knew how to explain to her. Not when she didn’t know about my past, and I didn’t want her to.
But I’d never met any of my grandparents—from what my mom had said, they hadn’t wanted to be parents, much less grandparents. And the one parent who had stuck around had been a nightmare I still didn’t know how to escape.
When Ada had applied at Shadow, she’d walked in and started mothering and scolding us as if we’d belonged to her before the interview even started. Over the years, that hadn’t changed, but my respect for her had.
If Rush hadn’t been with me when I’d found out about Wyatt, he would’ve been the first one I called. As it was, I’d called Ada on my way to the department because I’d needed the only other person who felt like family.
I couldn’t lose her.
“Ada, you drive me insane on the best of days,” I began, my head bobbing a little, “but I never had a real mother figure in my life until you.” I shrugged. “You can’t go.”
A sound that was part scoff and part sob left her as she rounded the short breakfast bar to pull me into a fierce hug that had me going still, arms hovering in the air like I might just push her away until she scoffed, “It’s a hug, boy. Not an attack.”
Moving slowly, awkwardly, I forced my arms around her shoulders to hug her back. Realizing as I did how easy and natural it had always been to touch Lainey and pull her close—even from that first day—when I’d spent most of my life doing everything to avoid any kind of physical contact.
“If you think letting me retire would do something as silly as give you a break from me, you’re wrong,” Ada said. “If anything, I’d have more time to irritate you.” She leaned back when a muted laugh left me, but grabbed my shoulders to keep me close as she caught my stare. “I love all of you like my own. Can’t get rid of me that easily.”
I was thankful when she released me to return to the other side of the bar.
I needed the space anyway, but for as innocent as her last declaration was, it had twisted memories rushing forward. I needed to be able to just breathe without being touched by someone.
But the nauseating, oxygen-stealing reaction it incited had my thoughts drifting back to Lainey, and I couldn’t stop from glancing over my shoulder again as I wondered if that’s how it would always be—even with her.
As much as I wanted to be someone who didn’t have a mountain worth of trauma for her, I knew my childhood had forced me to be someone who’d sacrifice themselves for others without hesitation. And I wouldn’t trade that for anything.
“You know,” Ada began, a little too nonchalantly, “if you’d stop for just one second to think about it, you’d know you’re good for those girls. You’d know you’ll keep them safe.”
I looked back at Ada, my eyebrows drawing close when her words nearly echoed my own thoughts.
“If you really thought you couldn’t protect the people you love,” she went on, “you would’ve let me retire long ago. You’d be begging me to retire now .”
I forced my body to slowly loosen when just the implication had me tensing all over again as icy hands gripped at my lungs. And even though she was right, I just held Ada’s defiant stare because I wasn’t sure I’d ever stop trying to protect Lainey from my life.
“She’s asleep,” Lainey said with a satisfied sigh as she exited the hall.
Ada clicked her tongue and offered Lainey a warm smile. “I knew you’d be good for this job, my Ray, but that isn’t what this is.” Her smile turned suggestive as she glanced between us. “You’re a natural with that baby. That’s a bond of love and trust that isn’t typically found with nannies?—”
“Ada,” I warned.
A hesitant laugh left Lainey, and I knew without ever looking at her that it wasn’t because Ada’s words had made her uncomfortable. She was worried they’d made me uncomfortable.
“Um, thank you again for letting us stay here,” Lainey said as she stopped beside me. “It won’t be long. Chloe Whitlock mentioned she was looking for someone to move in with her, so I’ll call her tomorrow. Or...”—she glanced up at me, her brow furrowing—“whenever I get my phone back.”
“We’ll get it,” I assured her as Ada drew in a quick breath.
“Oh, Chloe is darling ,” she said in a way that had my attention slowly shifting back to her. Because I knew that tone and that excitement in her eyes. It was Ada playing her games and pulling her strings, and I was about to hate every second of this. “You know, Lainey, she became a teacher too.”
“Too?” I asked.
“I wanna be a preschool teacher,” Lainey explained under her breath as Ada continued.
“But from what her mama was saying the last I saw her, she wasn’t loving it. I actually don’t think she’s going back this year.” Ada lifted a hand, vaguely pointing at me as that excitement brightened.
My stomach dropped. “No.”
“I wonder if she’s still looking for a job.”
“No,” I repeated firmly.
“It’s the smart thing,” Ada reminded me.
“You want . . . Chloe to have my job?” Lainey asked slowly, uncertainly.
“No, sweet girl,” Ada said on a laugh as I ground out, “No. Hers .”
I saw Lainey shift back out of the corner of my eye. “You’re actually retiring?”
“Trying to,” Ada said with a look daring me to stop her.
“But you...” A hesitant sound left Lainey. “Wait, are you serious this time?”
My stare snapped to Lainey before drifting back to Ada. “This time?”
Lainey gestured to her great-aunt. “She’s been joking about retiring since she started working for you.”
“No more jokes. This girl is old and tired.” She tapped the counter with her hand. “Including right now. It’s time for me to get some sleep. Y’all be good now.”
“We’re talking about this,” I said in low warning.
She patted my shoulder as she passed me on her way to the opposite side of the house. “I’m sure we will.”
“Night,” Lainey said on a delay, then settled against my chest once Ada was out of sight. “Can you stay a while?”
I curled my arms around her, hating that the weariness and uncertainty in her voice was from my life. “I’m not leaving.”
Her head snapped up, her eyes wide as she studied me. “What?”
“I packed some things when you were packing for Kaia.”
Relief visibly poured from her, but a shaky smile still crossed her face as she teased, “You can’t keep me like this either. You have to let me go at some point. It’s unhealthy. People will think you’re controlling and get worried.”
A brief smile of my own mirrored hers as I dipped down to kiss her forehead. “Just for a night or two. Until I feel more comfortable with what’s going on.”
A disbelieving hum left her even as her eyes danced with adoration. “Speaking of...will it always be like that whenever we go somewhere public?”
“Like what?”
“Where you can’t relax,” she explained gently, clearly trying to seem understanding. “Where you’re worried something will happen or someone will be there.”
I thought over the few times she’d been in public with me. Other than tonight, once had been when I’d watched Wreckers put a tracker on her. The other had been on her family’s farm. Not that I’d been worried about anyone being there, but the week had been stressful and the day even more so.
Realizing it was only yesterday that we’d been picking blueberries on the farm made me even more exhausted, but sleep deprivation wasn’t anything I was unfamiliar with, and I wanted this time with her.
“No,” I finally answered. “It’s just with everything going on.” A sound rose in my throat as I released her enough to lead her to the living room and conceded, “I’ll always be on alert—that’s ingrained in me. But tonight...” I dragged a hand through my hair. “My office was destroyed , Lainey.”
Her eyebrows were drawn close in sorrow and worry when she sank to the couch beside me, even though that detail wasn’t news to her.
“The front windows were all shattered. Every computer and screen. The phones.” I gestured to the coffee table. “Nearly all the desks were broken beyond repair.”
Lainey’s lips had slowly parted as I’d talked. “How did they do that much damage before cops arrived?”
An edgy laugh built in my chest because that had been one of the first things I’d asked the cops on scene once I’d finally gotten there. From the way Rush had been standing apart from them, arms crossed over his chest and expression guarded in a way that was so unlike him, I’d had a feeling he’d been thinking the same.
“We’ll get to that,” I muttered, then swallowed past the knot of fear that had been quick to rise all day. “After the cops left and pictures were taken for insurance, the rest of my team and I were cleaning up sometime this morning when the underboss of the Wreckers walked in, stepping over the broken glass and debris like he wasn’t even seeing it.”
Lainey’s eyes were wide when she softly mumbled, “Underboss, as in—wait, Wreckers ? Is that their name?” At my confirming hum, her head jerked back as she quickly blinked. “Isn’t there a restaurant near your apartment called Wrecker ?” When I just lifted an eyebrow, her expression fell. “Oh my gosh...”
“Exactly.”
“But the underboss ?” she asked on a whisper. “That’s...why would he come see you?”
“He’s the one who came after Rush and me years ago.”
Even in the dim light of the room, I watched Lainey’s face pale. “Asher...”
I lifted my chin in acknowledgment to the fear and worry practically pouring off her, and reached forward to brush a few of her curls back as I explained, “I knew back then that we’d never get another warning from them, so whenever we do anything that involves a Wrecker in any way, we wipe all trace of it. We did that with the wife this time too.”
“Then why’d they destroy your office?”
“Wells, the underboss, said they’ve been keeping tabs on us because of our history and what we’re capable of. He informed me one of their own had a wife that just went missing, and the husband’s sure we’re responsible.” I gave her a look and explained, “Couldn’t get a read on whether Wells thought it was us or not. But he was shameless when he said they hacked my server to go through our files.”
“Yesterday,” Lainey said as if remembering our conversation, but the word came out a stunned breath as if she was still struggling to make this real in her head.
“Right,” I muttered. “But the husband wasn’t convinced when they didn’t find anything.”
“So, he destroyed your office?” she asked on a disbelieving huff.
“He coulda done worse than that,” I reminded her and watched her expression sober. “Wells offered to pay for the inconvenience , but I don’t wanna be in debt to him for anything, so I declined.” There was more, and from the inflection in my voice at those last words, it was obvious, but this was what I didn’t want to face.
This was why I wanted Lainey to choose anything other than me. This was why I wanted her to take Kaia and go.
Lainey’s eyes searched mine. “And how did he take that?”
“He seemed surprised but impressed,” I told her, then tipped my head in the direction of where Kaia slept. “When he turned to leave, he stopped and said, ‘Cute kid. Where’d you find her?’”
A shaky exhale burst from Lainey. “How does he even know about her?”
“Do you see why I don’t think she’s safe with me?” I asked instead of responding, the words soft and dark.
“No one will protect her like you will.”
“Regardless, the mafia just told me they know about Kaia.” I gestured behind me as if the entire Wrecker family was standing there. “It wasn’t an outright threat because they don’t have proof of anything to threaten me with—not to mention, one of their guys just destroyed my office for seemingly no reason—but they want me to know they have a way to get to me. It won’t be long before they know about you.”
“You knew about them before you got custody of her, Asher,” Lainey said in a tone just as low and fierce as mine. “You knew what they were capable of and what they could use against you. Nothing about them has changed. The only thing that’s changed here is that you care about Kaia in a way you never expected to.”
She held my stare, silently challenging me to deny it.
I wanted to.
Internally, I was reminding myself of all the frustration with Kaia so far and why she was never supposed to have ended up with me. How I could still barely look at her and wanted nothing to do with her...but I wasn’t sure those were true anymore.
I still passed her off to Lainey because I didn’t want to want anything to do with my niece. Because she would be better off with someone else—anyone else. But once I’d gotten back to them tonight, I’d still grabbed her because I’d needed to know she was okay.
“They’ve always been able to use her against you.” Placing her hand over the fierce beating of my heart, she lowered her voice and meaningfully said, “But now they can use her against you.”
“And you,” I added and watched as the corner of her mouth tipped up.
“And me,” she agreed. “Still not going anywhere. You can’t force us away and live a miserable, lonely life because you’re worried about what some people might do.”
I wanted to tell her I could because I would do it for her , but I’d already learned I wasn’t selfless enough to be the one to walk away from Lainey Pearson. “And what happens if, the next time, they’re breaking into my place—our place—and destroying that?”
Her eyes had flared with excitement and longing at the words our place , but her expression sobered as she thought for a moment before answering, “That’s gonna suck for them because I’ve been told Jack Ryan has nothing on you.”
Despite the weight that had been pressing on me all day and the stress of the conversation, a gravelly, startled laugh broke from me as I pulled her in for a kiss that was full of gratitude and relief.
“Don’t deserve you,” I said against her lips.
She pressed her forehead against mine, her eyelids squeezing tight before the full force of those blue eyes were on me as she whispered, “The things you do to my heart.” Grabbing one of my hands, she loosely wove her fingers through mine as she brought my hand to her chest, right over the chaotic pounding there. “With a look, with your actions, with your words...”
I’d gone still, but only because I didn’t want to miss a second of this.
Of the feel of her pulse beneath my palm. Of those wild eyes searching mine. Of her confession that meant everything to me. Of the fact that she’d learned so much that would make others run, yet she was still in my arms.
“Honesty?” she asked, her soft voice barely a breath between us.
“Always.”
Her tongue darted out to wet her lips as hesitation bled from her and curled around me. “Even if it hurts?”
My head shifted just slightly against hers as I let my hands fall to her waist. “What is it, Lainey?”
“What happens when I fall in love with you?”
It was just so instant...the nauseating memories. The chill that felt soul deep. The feeling like I would never be able to escape what my mom did—that it would forever ruin me the way it’d ruined Wyatt and Peyton.
They’d just dealt with it differently: Drugs. Alcohol.
Mine was internal. A self-loathing and this deep-rooted need to keep that depravity from tainting anyone else who might get too close to me.
Yet there I was. Close.
But as I held Lainey with trembling hands, I knew there was no separating myself from her. To try would destroy me. It was evident in the way I was instinctively gripping her tighter despite the disturbing visuals trying to overwhelm me, needing to know she was still there. It was evident in the way my numb heart spurred to life whenever she so much as looked at me.
And I wondered if this was what it really was to love someone...
Finding someone who consumed your every thought. Someone you couldn’t imagine living without. Someone who challenged you to be better and made you better just by being in your life.
Someone you would destroy the world to protect, even if it meant destroying yourself.
With how fast my pulse was racing by the end of my revelation, I was sure that, for as much as I wanted nothing to do with the notion, I was in love with Lainey Pearson.
Not that it stopped the flashes tormenting me. Not that it changed anything about my past. But as I’d suspected, Lainey was already helping me through some of the worst parts of my childhood without even trying to. And it made me think that, whenever she did fall in love with me, I’d be craving to hear those words from her.
“What happens?” I finally said and listened to the questioning hum shakily rise in her throat. “I fire you.”
Lainey shifted back, bemusement tearing across her face, but I continued before she could speak. “I buy you a ring. I ask if you’ll help me raise Kaia. Then I ask you to spend the rest of your life with me.” I studied the awe and longing filling her eyes before murmuring, “That’s what happens.”
“’Kay,” she whispered as a smile slowly stole across her face, making her look so beautiful in the darkened room.
“And somewhere in there, you become a preschool teacher,” I said, bringing up the detail she’d briefly given me earlier, and watched her entire expression light up. “That’s what you want?”
“Yeah, it—I love kids. Clearly.” A slightly self-conscious laugh left her. “There were field trip days at the farm, and I always loved those because I got to teach the kids things. I didn’t realize how much it meant to me until I went away to school.”
“Then that’s what you should do.” I gently trailed my hands up and down her back, trying to soothe away the doubt and indecision her family had instilled in her when it came to what Lainey wanted for her life. “Don’t let Kaia and me stop you from that now.”
“I’m not,” she said over me, her voice dripping with honesty. “I wouldn’t give up these days with Kaia for anything.”
I nodded, only to ask, “And what do you think about Kaia being raised here?”
Just like that, her face fell. “Asher, she needs you.”
“No, not—not that. I meant what I said earlier: Huntley’s nice.” I looked pointedly at the space around us. “ This is what Kaia needs, not a penthouse apartment that...what was it you said? Feels cold and unlived in?”
Embarrassment washed over her as she buried her face in her hands. “I’m never being honest with you again,” she lied, forcing the corner of my mouth to twitch with amusement.
I curled one of my hands through hers, pulling them away from her face. “I wanna know what you think about Huntley for her .”
She slowly exhaled as she thought. “If I hadn’t been crushed under the weight of the farm, I would’ve never wanted to leave Huntley for even a second. I love it here. It’s small and safe and there’s always something fun happening. Everyone knows everyone.” She gave me a small shrug. “It’s a great place to raise a family, and it’d be great for her.”
Just as I began nodding, she hurried to add, “But what about what you want? Wherever you are, that’s where’s best for her. Your apartment’s perfect.”
“Even if yesterday hadn’t happened, you know it isn’t.”
Lainey shifted so she was leaning against the back of the couch and had her head resting on one of her hands. “You still think the Wreckers or whoever will come to where you live? That won’t change if you move.”
“Maybe not. I told you they can find anyone anywhere, but now I know they know where I live.”
Her head lifted from her hand as dread filled those mesmerizing eyes. “What? How?”
“After Wells left this morning, I waited long enough to make sure he was gone before leaving Rush in charge of the office. I visited everyone who knows about Kaia. Her social worker and pediatrician, some of the law enforcement and government officials who’d been involved in the case before I got her—the others we know to be upright people, so I didn’t bother with them. After that, I headed to the apartment building to talk with the workers.”
“You were there today?” she asked, looking crushed that she hadn’t known.
“You wouldn’t have wanted to see me then,” I informed her. “Someone told the mafia about Kaia...I needed to find out who.”
Surprise and something close to intrigue lit her expression. “What’d you do?”
“Nothing worth getting arrested over.”
Doubt sounded in her throat before she mouthed, “Jack Ryan.” A soft giggle leaving her when my eyes rolled.
“Anyway, I wasn’t getting anywhere, but the whole time, I couldn’t get the cops out of my head.”
“Because it took them so long to arrive,” she said softly, her understanding mixing with her worry about what I would reveal next.
“Right,” I muttered. “I didn’t personally know any of them, but I know Wreckers have law enforcement on their payroll. Still, no one’s just gonna stumble across the records about Kaia. She’s a baby. They’re sealed. And I had a detective I trust look it up...no one’s searched for anything about her, Wyatt, me...nothing since everything went down.”
“So, what, someone told someone?”
I ran my fingers through my hair again and again before grunting something resembling a confirmation. “The question was who . But when I went home to change, there was an envelope waiting for me at the front desk. It was a check from Wells.”
“So, they really do know where you live,” Lainey said under her breath.
“Apparently,” I muttered. “The manager said a police officer dropped it off.”
“No,” Lainey whispered, drawing out the word in her shock. “Could it have been one of the ones who was at your office?”
My head shook as I answered, “I had them show me the surveillance footage. I know him—sort of.” The same unease I’d been battling all night built in my chest. “And if I’m right, he’s how the Wreckers know about Kaia and where I live. If I’m right, this could destroy my team.”