Chapter 9
9
BEN
I’m nervous. I’m man enough to admit it.
I don’t get nervous.
And especially not for a woman.
But. Hope’s not just any woman.
As the clock ticks down to ten, the butterflies in my stomach feel more like hummingbirds. Even Rex is picking up on my nervous energy and is pacing around me like the fantastic guard dog he is.
“Are you okay?” Tori asks from behind the counter. We’ve already gone through to see the dogs and cats so she could show me which ones were suitable for the kids today.
I twist the leather band on my wrist. “Yeah, why?” I roll my eyes at myself. After two years of coming here, it’s probably obvious to her that I’m not my usual self.
She waves her arm around. “Not sure. You seem … agitated.”
I wander over to the counter. “I have a new boy starting with the program today. I’m hopeful he’ll show up. His father died in Syria, and he got into some trouble last week.”
Her smile drops, and her shoulders sag. “Oh, no. Poor kid.”
The front door opens, and Francine and Donnelly walk in. “Morning, Ben,” they call as they walk toward us, dropping to their knees to say hello to Rex. “Morning, Tori.”
“Morning, guys. Glad you could make it. We have some puppies today!” I tell them, and their eyes light up.
The other kids arrive soon after. Once we’re all gathered and the clock strikes ten, my stomach drops.
They’re not coming.
I really thought Hope would bring Evan today. She seemed genuine about following through. Maybe something came up.
As we’re filing through the doorway to the back area where the dogs and cats are housed, the front door opens in a rush and in steps Evan. Before I can actively think to go to him, my feet change direction on instinct, and I head back the way I came. My cheeks are stretched as far as they can go when Hope bustles through the door behind her son.
“You made it.” My lungs finally fill with a full breath, and Rex heads straight for Evan, his tail moving so fast, his rump shakes from side to side. He loves to make new friends. Evan’s hands immediately slide into Rex’s fur, making his tail go ballistic.
“I’m so sorry we’re late. I had to wait for the load of laundry to finish, and then we caught every red light on the way,” Hope apologizes in a rush, her pale cheeks flushed pink. Rex immediately transfers his welcome from Evan to her, and she chuckles. “Who do we have here?” she asks as she rubs the top of his head.
“I’d like you to meet Officer Rex. He’s my partner.”
Her brows shoot up, and her eyes shine when she looks back up at me. “Oh, I didn’t realize.” Her eyes narrow slightly, and I can tell she’s thinking about something. “Was he in the back of your cruiser when you brought Evan home? He could have come inside with you.” I appreciate her concern for Rex, not that leaving him in the cruiser is a problem since his space is climate-controlled for his comfort.
“I didn’t have him with me. He was recovering from a sprain at the station while I was out on patrol. He was out of action for a couple of days, but he’s fully recovered now.”
“He’s a beautiful dog,” Hope says as she rubs between Rex’s ears.
“Rex is a boy, Mom. You should probably call him handsome,” Evan suggests with a grin.
We all chuckle. “He’d probably prefer deadly, intelligent, or powerful. Wouldn’t you, Rex?” He looks up at me and barks. I hitch my thumb over my shoulder. “You ready to head through and meet the others?”
“Will I get to hang out with a dog?”
“You sure will. I’ll introduce you to the others, and then you can choose who you’d like to spend your time with. We even have some puppies here today,” I say as I open the door. The noisy barks ring out, and Evan beams when he sees the stalls full of dogs. “We also have cats if you’d prefer to sit and play with them.”
“No way. I love dogs. I want a dog, but Mom won’t let me have one.” He slides his brown eyes to Hope.
My eyes drift over to her. “A dog will get lonely with me at work and you at school all day, Ev.”
“You’re always welcome to come hang out with Rex on his days off.” My mouth runs away before my brain catches up, but it’s a terrific idea, so I’m not mad about the offer.
Evan’s eyes are almost glowing with excitement. “That’d be awesome.”
Hope looks shell-shocked, opening and closing her mouth several times. “Oh, we wouldn’t want to impose.”
I wave off her concern. “Rex loves company. No imposition at all. In fact, you’d be doing me a favor.”
The other kids stop what they’re doing when they spot Evan and Hope. “Everyone, I’d like you to meet our newest member, Evan, and his mom, Mrs. Sullivan.”
Hope titters and slides her curly hair behind her ear. “You can call me Hope. Mrs. Sullivan is my mother-in-law.”
Tori and the kids call out their hellos, and I introduce them one by one. “Okay, so we usually spend a few minutes saying hello to each of the dogs. Evan, you can choose any dog to spend time with while you’re here. Just let me or Tori know, and we’ll bring them out of the kennel for you and take them outside.”
Tori and I get the kids settled with their cats and dogs, and while the kids are busy loving on their chosen pet for the day, I make my usual rounds to talk with each of the kids.
Normally, I have no issue being in the moment and focused solely on the child I’m speaking with, but today, my gaze keeps being drawn back to Hope. She chose a puppy, and I’ve been watching her play and laugh. Her blue-green eyes sparkle in the morning sunlight, along with the natural golden highlights in her hair.
I thought she was beautiful last week, but when she smiles … man … her beauty dials up to a whole new level.
“Are you even listening to me, man?” Donnelly snaps.
I drag my mind and gaze back to him. “Sorry, come again.”
He rolls his eyes with annoyance. “I told you. I asked my teacher if we could start a running club at school, and he said yes. He’s even going to help me set it up.”
I rest my hand on his shoulder and squeeze. “I’m proud of you, Don. That’s an awesome initiative, and I’m glad your teacher is supporting you with the project.”
“Yeah, it feels pretty good to get positive attention at school instead of always being in trouble.”
“I bet. When does the running club start?”
“Next week. Only on Friday mornings to start, but I’m hoping to do it most mornings if the teachers will let me.” He lifts his chin toward Evan and Hope. “How’d he get on your radar?”
“He was causing trouble in a gas station with some of his friends. I think he was just trying to fit in. He lost his dad in Syria.” I glance back at the woman who has me fixated. “He could do with some new friends.” Don is a couple of years older than Evan, but they may go to the same school since they live in the same school district. Evan could do with someone to have his back in case the boys from the gas station give him any trouble.
He acknowledges me with an arrogant chin lift. “His mom’s hot as fuck.”
I snap my head around to Donnelly, narrowing my eyes and straightening up. “Watch your mouth and don’t be disrespectful.”
He holds his hands up in surrender. “I didn’t mean anything by it. She’s too old for me, but you’re single.” He looks me up and down. “You’re probably good-looking enough to bag a chick like that.”
I shake my head in exasperation. “Do I need to teach you how to be respectful toward women?”
“Nah, man. The chicks at school love me.” He rubs his knuckles on his chest. “I don’t need lessons from an old guy like you.”
“Hey, I’m only twenty-seven. I’m not that old,” I say, standing up, slightly affronted. Rex immediately comes to my side, ready to move on. I’ve been saving Evan for last because I wanted to let him relax, but I also want to check in with him. “I’m gonna keep moving. I haven’t checked on Evan yet.”
Don winks at me with a tip of his chin in a cavalier move only a teenage boy can pull off. “Sure thing, Ben. Whatever you say.”
I don’t bother responding. No point defending myself. Hope’s puppy is lying on his back as she rubs his tummy, his hind legs doing an odd kick every now and then while Evan’s puppy is chewing on the bottom of his jeans, making Evan chuckle. They both look so different from the last time I saw them. Something’s definitely changed.
I lower myself to my butt between the two. “How’re things going over here?”
“These puppies are crazy.” Hope chuckles as she continues to scratch the pup’s stomach, and he twists his body around to nip at her slender fingers.
Evan looks up at me with a wide grin. “I’ve had so much fun.”
Rex moves closer to Evan, using his paw to engage with his pup, enticing him to play. The two dogs run a short distance together, and Evan climbs to his feet to follow them, leaving me alone with Hope. We watch him play with both dogs for a moment in silence.
Then, just as my eyes have done all morning, they find their way back to Hope. She’s watching her son with a soft smile. “How’s he been this week?”
She swallows and turns her attention to me. Having her eyes on me has me shoving my shoulders back and pushing down my nerves. “We had a tough day last Saturday. It was … uh … the sixth anniversary of my late husband’s death.” My stomach sinks and rolls as she glances back at Evan. “But I think we’ve turned a corner. He hasn’t been as moody, and he’s really been looking forward to today.”
“Anniversaries are tough. I’m glad to hear he’s doing better, and that he was looking forward to today. Sometimes we need something positive to look forward to.” I tear my gaze away from her. “And how have you been?”
Out of the corner of my eye, I watch as she subtly shifts. “As good as can be expected, I guess. I … uh … haven’t coped the best with losing my husband. I’ve let Evan down, and I promised him, and myself, that I’ll do better. I think the gas station thing woke me up a little. He deserves a mom who’s more emotionally stable and engaged. Not someone who’s just going through the motions.”
I rub my hand over the top of my hair. “Grief is tough and unpredictable. I’m sure you’ve been doing your best.” Dropping my hand to the back of my neck, I squeeze, tearing my eyes away from her. “Does Evan have a male in his life he can go to?” Yeah, I know. I’m fishing for information. Sue me .
Her pup climbs to its feet and runs off to join the others. “He has a few … my dad, Wyatt’s dad, and Shane, Wyatt’s best friend. Although, Shane doesn’t come around so much because I asked him to give us some space. I felt like we were relying on him too much and holding him back from his own life. He carries a lot of guilt about Wyatt, and I didn’t want him watching over us out of obligation.”
Interesting. Maybe he wasn’t watching over them out of obligation, but attraction. I can certainly relate to that; Hope is a beautiful woman. Part of me settles at the idea that she has people she can rely on, while another, more selfish part wants her to grow to rely on me. I want to be that person for her and Evan.
I shake my head and snap my thoughts away from that archaic nonsense. Tahlia’s mom would slap me up the back of my head as she preached to me about how strong women are in the face of adversity. “Why does he feel guilty?”
Silence ensues and worry worms its way through my gut that I’ve pushed her too far, too soon. She doesn’t know me. “He survived the blast that killed Wyatt. He didn’t come out unscathed, but he felt he should have been the one to die so Wyatt could come back to us.” Keeping her eyes downcast, she plucks at the grass. “He felt his life wasn’t as important as Wyatt’s because he didn’t have a family.” The desire to drag her into my lap and wrap my arms around her is strong, so I pluck at the grass in front of me, too.
Fuck. That’s heavy. “I can’t imagine”—I look off into the distance—“can’t fathom the pain he experienced to feel that way.”
She sighs heavily. “Yeah. He’s a really great guy and has been so good to me and Evan. I just want him to be happy. I want Evan to be happy too, you know.”
“What about you ?” The words escape my mouth before my brain can engage to stop them.
Her eyes dart up to me, brows dipping low. “What do you mean?”
I stop tugging the grass and lock eyes with hers—my gray to her aquamarine. “What about your happiness?”
“I’m happy when Evan’s happy.” Her cheeks rise a little. “He’s happy today. Happier than I’ve seen him in ages, and that makes me happy.” She steals her eyes away and murmurs, “I had my turn at happiness.” She shrugs carelessly, like she didn’t just shatter my heart into fragments that I’m not sure I’ll be able to piece back together. “It’s their turn now.”
“Why does it have to be your turn or their turn? Why can’t you all be happy?” I need to understand .
Her shoulders push back, and I watch her as she steels her spine. Her eyes find mine and lock me in place. “Have you ever promised someone forever, Ben?” She doesn’t stop so I can respond; she pushes on. “Because I did. And even though Wyatt’s not here to hold up his end of our promise, I am. Every day for the rest of my life, I will keep my promise to love him. It’s not easy when I miss him with every fiber of my being, but a promise is a promise.” I swallow, absorbing her pain and loss as it hits me like a wave. “Happiness is scarce when your hopes and dreams are stolen abruptly with no time to prepare or come up with contingency plans. My life is no longer how I want it to be. My plans … destroyed. Devastation resides in its place. Happiness can’t survive in that environment.” She swipes angrily at her freckle-covered cheeks.
The urge to reach across and take her hand in mine to offer her comfort is overwhelming.
She’s still buried so deep in her grief; I’m surprised she’s functioning at all. I look at her with new eyes and admiration for the steel in her spine and the strength it’s taken for her to still turn up every day for her son.
“You’re amazing. You know that, right?” Questioning eyes look my way. “To be able to raise your son on your own when you’ve lost so much. I bet the temptation to hide from the world was immense, yet you keep showing up, day in and day out.”
She swallows harshly and flicks her eyes away from me with a shrug, then pulls her knees up beneath her chin and wraps her arms around them. She curls in on herself, as if trying to shield herself from our conversation, and I realize it was too much too soon, and way too heavy for a setting like this.
“I wouldn’t say I’ve shown up every day,” she says. “I’ve let Evan down more than I should have. It’s probably why he got tangled up with those boys from school.”
I wave her comment off. “Kids do stupid shit all the time. Doesn’t make them bad kids. Certainly doesn’t make their parents terrible.”
Tori walks over. “Hey, Ben. Some of the parents have arrived. Should we wrap up today’s session?”
I glance at my watch. “Shit, sorry, I lost track of time.” I leap to my feet and call out to the kids. “Okay, time to get the dogs back inside. Let’s go.”
Tori giggles. “It’s okay. The dogs love being out here with them. I just didn’t want a bunch of parents complaining they’ve got better things to do on a Saturday than wait for their kids.” She rolls her eyes. We’ve had that happen before. If Hope met some of the other parents, she wouldn’t be so hard on herself.
We wrangle the dogs back into their kennels, and the kids leave with their parents—except for Donnelly. His mom is often late. Sometimes, she even forgets to pick him up.
Fussing over Rex, Evan and Donnelly talk until Don’s mom comes speeding into the parking lot. I grit my teeth, reminding myself I’m off duty. If I talk to her about her driving and the safety of other road users or pedestrians who may be using the sidewalk, she’ll probably stop bringing him, and I don’t want that to happen. Hope looks at me with raised brows, and I roll my eyes, blowing out a frustrated breath.
“See ya, Donnelly. Good luck with the running club,” I call as he climbs into the car.
“Thanks, Ben. See ya, Ev.”
“Bye.” Evan waves to the retreating car.
Hope drags her keys out of her purse. “Well, Ev. We should get going. Thank Ben, please.”
I’m not ready to say goodbye .
Evan looks up at me. His entire face lit with happiness. “Thanks, Ben. I had the best day. Can I come back next time?”
I chuckle and muss his hair. “Sure. We’re here every other Saturday at the same time. You’re always welcome, and if you have any trouble getting here for one reason or another, call me. I’ll pick you up.” I hand him a slip of paper with my number on it.
“Oh, you don’t need to go to any trouble. There may be some Saturdays when his grandparents will have to bring him because he stays with them once a month. Other than that, I’ll be able to bring him.” I hook my thumbs through the loops of my jeans and rock back on my heels as I tuck that little piece of information away.
Evan drops to his knees and buries his face in the scruff of Rex’s neck. “Bye, Rex.” Rex’s tail swishes wildly, tipping his rump from side to side.
“Rex and I were going to enjoy some burgers on the back deck for lunch. Would you guys like to join us?” We really weren’t, but I’m not retracting the invitation. I don’t want to say goodbye . “I’m sure Rex would appreciate the company.”
Evan leaps to his feet with wide eyes. “Can we, Mom? Please say yes.”
She chuckles and tucks her honey hair behind her ear as her eyes rise to mine, then dart back to her son.