Chapter 11
11
HOPE
When we pull into the driveway behind Ben, I barely hold in a gasp when my eyes land on his gorgeous home. A sweet bungalow with stonework at the base, pale blue weatherboard with white trim, and black shingles covering the roof—and it’s only one street away from the beach.
Climbing out of the car, Evan makes his way straight to Ben’s car, releasing Rex from the passenger seat, but I can’t tear my eyes from the home in front of me. The guys carry the groceries into the house, and I finally get myself into gear and grab the last bag from the trunk.
“You have a beautiful ho—” The words fade into the ether when I see the view spread out in front of me. The entire back of his home is glass. Vast windows overlook the ocean that seems to go on forever. Dazzling blue water dances beneath the sun.
Huh? That’s weird.
The water hasn’t looked that blue in such a long time. He must have some type of film on the glass that enhances the colors.
Ben looks back at me with a grin after opening the glass folding patio doors to let the ocean breeze in. “Nice, huh?”
Nope. No film on the glass. The water really is that blue. Wow!
“It’s gorgeous. I love the ocean, but with my fair skin and freckles, I don’t get to enjoy it as much as I’d like.”
“Rex and I run along the beach every day, and he loves to play in the waves,” he tells me as he unpacks the groceries. I push my way in and unload the bags to make myself feel useful. I can’t just stand around gawking at the beautiful view while he does all the work. “Ev, you wanna take Rex out back and play with him while I sort this out and get the burgers started?”
“Sure.” He pats his thigh. “C’mon, boy.”
They disappear through the door, leaving me alone with Ben. I put the cold food in the fridge and freezer, noting his preference for healthy foods, while Ben puts everything else away. Then he gathers what he needs to make the burger patties.
“How can I help?”
“You wanna put the fries in the air fryer and slice the buns?”
“Sure.”
We easily work together to prepare our lunch. My eyes keep dropping to the play of his muscles beneath the smooth, decorated skin of his forearms. His long, capable fingers mix the mince until all the ingredients are combined, and heat rises to my cheeks. I blow out a long breath and focus on cutting and buttering the buns. “How long have you lived here?”
He stops for a moment, narrowing his eyes in thought. “I moved here about four years ago now. I used to live in Piney Lakes.”
“Oh, wow. That’s quite a change of pace.” He nods, murmuring his agreement. “What made you move to the city?”
He swallows harshly and returns his focus to the patties he’s shaping. “There were more opportunities in the police force here. I didn’t want to be a small-town cop.” He waves his hands around, gesturing to the house. “And I figured I may as well make the move since this house was left to me when my best friend’s mom passed away.” He places the patties on a tray. “It used to be their family’s vacation home that hadn’t been used in a long time, and it needed a fair amount of work, but I’m happy with the results.”
I swallow the lump in my throat at the change in his tone when he shares the loss of his best friend’s mom. I wonder why the house was left to him and not his best friend? “I’m sorry for your loss.” He simply nods and returns his attention to the burgers. Opening the fridge, I peer inside. “Well, you’ve done a fantastic job.” I move a few items aside, but still can’t find what I’m looking for. “Do you have ketchup?”
“Yeah, it’s in the pantry.” He gestures toward a door with a tip of his chin.
The fridge door bangs closed with a heavy thud, as disbelief washes through me, swift and strong. “In the pantry?”
“Yeah?” he responds slowly, his eyes narrowing slightly.
I can’t believe he keeps the ketchup in the pantry. Heathen . Opening the pantry door, my eyes widen when the unexpectedly large space greets me. He has a full butler’s pantry hidden behind the simple door. “Oh wow, this is amazing,” I say, already imagining what I could do with all of my baking supplies in a space like this. I grab the ketchup from the mostly empty shelf and wave it around as I exit the meticulously kept space. “Everyone knows you keep the ketchup in the fridge.”
He turns and leans his ass against the granite counter, folding his arms across his chest, and I can’t help but notice how his muscles shift and change. The way his T-shirt stretches around his biceps and pulls across his pecs. “I don’t like my ketchup cold. Room temperature works best for me. Even Heinz says it’s shelf-stable. I checked.”
My eyebrows shoot up. I’m impressed. “Fair enough. I was always taught it goes in the fridge. I never thought to question whether I could safely store it in the pantry.” You learn something new every day.
Evan barges in through the back door with Rex by his side. They’ve certainly become fast friends. “Are we eating soon? I’m starving.” My eyebrows shoot up at his familiarity with Ben.
Ben chuckles. “Sure. I’ll cook the patties. You think you can survive another fifteen minutes?”
Rex heads over to his bowl and greedily slurps the water, then drops to the floor, resting his head on his front paws. His golden eyebrows shift as he watches us move around the kitchen with intelligent brown eyes.
“I guess so. I’m thirsty, though. Can I get a drink?” He heads to the fridge and yanks it open.
“Manners, Evan.” I frown at him. What the hell? “You don’t just help yourself. You wait for your host to offer you a drink. And where’s the please ? You know better than that.”
He closes the fridge and drops his eyes to the oak floor. “Sorry.” Then looks up at Ben. “Sorry, Ben.”
“That’s okay, I’m a terrible host. I should have offered you and your mom a drink when we got home. My mom would be very disappointed in me. Manners are really important to her,” Ben says in a tone that suggests his mom would be more than disappointed in him as he grabs some glasses from the cupboard above the sink. Pointing with his elbow toward the fridge, he tells Evan to choose a drink for all of us and then pours them as the burgers sizzle in the grill pan.
Once they’re cooked and we assemble the burgers, we load up our plates with fries and carry them out to the back deck. Rex follows us and lies quietly at Evan’s feet. Completely enamored, my son can’t tear his eyes away from his furry friend as he eats. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more well-behaved dog, but I guess it makes sense, given he’s a police dog. I bet his training is intense.
The briny breeze blows my curls around my face, so I twist them around until they form a temporary knot to keep my hair out of the way. I only half listen to Ben and Evan’s conversation about soccer and running as I stare at the view in front of me. The glistening sparkles of the sun on the bluest water and the white crests of the waves as they crash onto the shore have me mesmerized. I wonder if Ben’s lived here so long that he takes this spectacular view for granted, or does he appreciate how lucky he is to have it to enjoy?
“Donnelly goes to the same school as me. He told me he’s starting a running club next week. I think I’ll join because it’ll help my fitness for soccer,” he tells Ben, then turns to me. “Do you think Nanna would mind taking me to school earlier on Friday?”
I shrug. “I don’t see why she’d mind, especially if it’s so you can exercise. You know how much she loves to run.” At sixty, Mom still runs every day. “She’ll probably start bugging you to join her when she runs her half marathon,” I say, nudging his side.
“I’ve done a couple of half marathons. They’re great fun.” Ugh, another weirdo who likes to run. Ben raises his eyebrows at me. “What? You don’t like to run?”
“Nope. I couldn’t think of anything worse than running.” Much to Mom’s disappointment. I readjust the twist at my nape. “I get winded too quickly and feel like I’m going into cardiac arrest.” It’s not pretty—or fun. I don’t understand how people find it therapeutic.
Ben glances at me, then looks at Evan. “Maybe we should train your mom.”
I hold my hands up in a defensive move. “Nope. Don’t even think about it. My mom’s been trying to get me to run since I was a teenager. It’s not gonna happen now. I’m too old to start. Ballet was enough to keep me fit.”
Ben chuckles. “We’ll see.”
He can chuckle all he wants, but we won’t see. The guys continue to chat over apple pie and ice cream, and warmth—not just from the afternoon sun—unfurls through my chest at their easy camaraderie. It’s like they’ve known each other a lot longer than they actually have. It all feels very comfortable.
Too comfortable.
The sun is sinking in the sky, reminding me we’ve been here for a while and should get home. I have things to do, and Evan has a homework assignment to complete.
Standing, I collect the dishes. “Ev, we should head home. I’m sure Ben has stuff to do, and so do we.”
Evan’s smile disappears, but I pretend I don’t notice. We can’t hang out here all afternoon.
Ben drops his large hand to my forearm, and I freeze in place, lowering my eyes and noticing the differences between us. Where my complexion is fair, he has a gorgeous tan. Where my fingers are long and slender, his are thick. Once he has my attention, he removes his hand, and the seized air in my lungs escapes.
“Leave all of this. I can do it. I don’t have plans other than laundry. Rex and I usually take it easy on the weekends when I don’t work.”
I raise my chin. “I insist. It won’t take five minutes, and then we’ll be out of your hair.”
He must recognize my determination in the stubborn way I’m holding my chin, because he nods and then helps me carry everything inside. I search for rubber gloves, but come up empty. “What are you looking for?”
“Uh, dishwashing gloves?”
“Sorry, I don’t have any. I can wash the dishes.”
Dishwashing detergent is terrible for my hands and nails, but I can suck it up this once. “That’s okay. I can do it.” I quickly wash the dishes and set the kitchen right to the best of my ability without knowing where everything goes. When I spin to face the kitchen, Ben is bent over, returning the grill pan to the cupboard, and my eyes automatically drop to his firm backside.
What the hell is wrong with me today?
It’s like my eyes have a mind of their own. I snap my gaze away and swallow guiltily.
“Thanks so much for this morning and for lunch. Evan had a wonderful time, and it’s been fantastic to see him so happy.” I wipe my suddenly clammy hands on the cotton covering my thighs.
“It was my pleasure.” He pauses a moment, his intelligent gray eyes studying me. “How about you?” He tilts his head to the side a little, as though my answer is the most important thing in the world.
My lips tip up in a way I’ve perfected to show the outside world I’m fine. Inside, I’m anything but. I’ve found myself appreciating another man like I didn’t make a commitment to be faithful to my husband. I’m appalled and ashamed.
“It’s been great. And when Evan’s happy, I’m happy.” Evan moves beside me, and I slide my arm around his shoulder to pull him in close and steady myself under Ben’s watchful gaze. Something tells me he doesn’t buy my act. It really has been a great day, a nice change of pace. Ben’s easy to talk to, and Evan seems to have a lot of respect for him—something he’s been lacking with Shane and me in recent months. But now guilt is settling like a lead ball in my stomach, and it’s easier to fall back into the patterns I’m more used to. I squeeze Evan’s shoulder. “It’s time to go. Say thank you to Ben, please.”
Evan thanks Ben, and we make our way out of his home and to the driveway. The heaviness that had been absent this afternoon returns with each step as I get closer to my car—and regular life. For a few hours, I lived in the moment. I allowed myself to feel joy and just be . Something I’ve been struggling to do.
When I release the locks on my car, Ben opens the doors for me and Ev, then stands back with his hands relaxed at his sides, drawing my attention to his thick thighs. Rex sits beside him without instruction, his tongue hanging out of his mouth.
“Is it okay if I come to the shelter again?” Evan asks.
“Absolutely. I was hoping you would.” He looks down at Rex and then back at Evan. “And you can stop by anytime to play with Rex. He loved having you here today. I think he gets sick of always being stuck with me.”
“That would be so cool. Thanks, Ben.” He drops his butt onto the back seat. “See ya, Rex.” Rex almost dances on the spot, his tail wagging happily as Evan closes his door.
I shuffle my feet and look down at the grass. “Thank you for being so welcoming, but it’s probably not a good idea to give Ev an open invitation. He’ll be around here all the time. Especially since we don’t live that far away.” I chuckle, looking back up at Ben.
“I don’t mind, really. I’d love his company.” He glances at Evan in the back seat, and I figure that’s the end of the conversation, so I twist my body to climb into my car. “The invitation is open to you, too, Hope. Anytime you feel like company, you’re welcome to stop by.”
My heart stalls, and my lungs feel like they’re burning. I freeze mid-sit and my eyes must be as wide as saucers. “Th-thank you,” I stutter like a fool. “That’s very kind, but I don’t want to be a bother.” Not only that, it would be weird to seek another man’s company. “Thanks for today. Bye, Ben.” I quickly close myself inside my car where I’m safe and start the engine before he can respond.
Pulling onto the road, I wave politely through the window and blow out a long breath. My heart beats an irregular rhythm, and I tightly grip the steering wheel with clammy hands.
Evan sighs in the back, and I glance at him in my mirror. “Can we get a dog, Mom? I promise I’ll feed and walk him every day.”
So much for my theory of him getting his fix and being satisfied. “And what will the dog do all day at home by himself, Ev? Do you think that’s really fair?”
He’s quiet for a long time. “What about two dogs? They’d keep each other company,” he says, his voice filled to the brim with excitement, because in his mind, he’s solved the problem.
“We can’t have two dogs, Ev.” Guilt moves through me like a landslide. I hate saying no to him. I wish I could say yes. I wish we could go back to The Paw Palace and get one of those cute puppies we played with today, but I have to be the realistic one in this situation.
It’s lonely being the only adult in the house. Every decision lands on my shoulders. I don’t have anyone to share the load or to take turns being the mean parent. I’m always the mean parent. It’s exhausting, and it’s not how things were supposed to be.