Chapter 35
35
HOPE
I pull into the parking lot behind the salon, and Sophie, Lucy, and Savannah are already waiting for me. Lucy’s grin is almost as obnoxious as Mom’s this morning, and I think I know why. She left with Sebastian yesterday, and I swear I could smell their pheromones in the air.
The minute I climb out of my car, Savannah calls out, “Any particular reason you’re late this morning? Wouldn’t have anything to do with a certain hottie named Ben?” She wiggles her eyebrows up and down.
I guess I should have expected an inquisition this morning after the girls met him yesterday. There’s no way they would let something so juicy go. I decide it’s best to deflect. “How’s Sebastian?” I ask Lucy with a raised brow, then shove the key into the lock of the back door into the salon.
Her face flushes pink, but not from embarrassment. She fans herself. “So hot!” We all giggle. “I can barely walk this morning, but you will not hear me make one single complaint. What they say about firefighters and their hoses … completely true!”
The four of us break into peals of laughter as we separate to set up for the day. Phew! My plan worked. Once everything is set up, I lean against my work area and sip of my coffee while I take a moment to breathe. Everything was such a rush from the minute Mom and Evan came home; I haven’t had a moment to recalibrate.
A man, other than my husband, gave me a powerful orgasm this morning.
And I know once the euphoria wore off, I fell apart, but while it was happening, it felt fantastic. I’d forgotten what it was like to be kissed like that. Like I was the beginning and end of everything. It was heady, and as upset as I was once reality snuck in, I know, without a doubt, that I want a repeat.
Hopefully next time, I won’t break into a million pieces and ruin the moment. I also don’t want anything between us. I want to feel him moving inside me. Feel his hands and mouth all over my skin. Trace my mouth and fingers all over his. I dip my head to look at my boots as my cheeks heat.
I shake my head and blow out a long breath.
I’m all over the place.
One minute, I feel as though I’m cheating on my husband. The next, I want to do it all over again. I can’t keep up. What the hell is wrong with me? I’m not this girl. I’ve never been so confused. Surely this isn’t normal.
Logically, I know it’s not cheating. Wyatt’s gone and he’s never coming back, and after my last conversation with the girls, I realize he wouldn’t want me to be alone for the rest of my life—I thought as much this morning before things went as far as they did. He’d want me to find happiness. To find love again. But can I?
Ben said he’s prepared to wait for me. He’s been patient, understanding, compassionate, and he’s never pushed me. Both times anything’s happened between us have been because I’ve initiated it. And even then, he’s let me take what I’ve wanted from him without any pressure.
At what point will he think it’s all too hard and walk away? Or does he really mean what he says?
A hand lands on my shoulder, and I look up. Lucy’s worried gaze pierces straight through me. “Are you okay?”
I swallow past the heavy lump in my throat and force a smile to my lips. “Yeah, of course.”
Her brows dip. “Don’t lie to me.”
I shake my head with a mild laugh. “I wouldn’t dare.”
The door opens, and our first client walks in, saving me from her inquisition.
I’m not sure where the morning went, but the next time I look up, Mom’s waiting at the front of the salon for me. My shoulders sag in defeat. I had hoped she’d forget about what she walked in on this morning, but I should know better. The glee written all over her face is unmistakable, so there’s no way she would have forfeited catching up for lunch.
I hold up my finger. “I’ll just grab my purse. Won’t be long.”
She nods and I disappear to the back to grab my purse. “I’ll be back in thirty minutes!” I call as I head out the door to meet Mom on the sidewalk.
She holds up a paper bag. “I brought lunch for us.”
“Thanks, Mom.” We wander toward the park and sit at the empty table, and Mom pulls out our sandwiches and a thermos with two plastic cups she had tucked in her purse. I chuckle. “You came prepared.”
She looks at me with a grin, her eyes full of mischief. “I didn’t want anything to get in the way of our chat. Now spill.”
I grab my sandwich and peel the paper away. “Geez, can’t a girl eat first?”
“Nope. You can eat and talk. I know how limited your time is.” She unwraps her sandwich and takes a bite.
I shrug with an air of nonchalance. “There’s not much to tell. Ben and I were talking last night. I got upset, and we ended up falling asleep on the couch.”
She nods slowly as she listens, finishing with, “Mhmm.”
“What’s with the mhmm, Mom?”
“Nothing. What did you get upset about?” She takes another bite of her sandwich like she’s not waiting with bated breath for my answer.
I look down at my boots, noticing a scuff I’ll need to polish out when I get home. “I was talking to Ben about how much I’ve let Evan down since Wyatt died.” I swallow past the boulder-sized lump in my throat that seems to show up every time I think about the mistakes I’ve made. “I got overwhelmed with the amount of guilt I’m carrying about it.” Picking at the paper wrapped around my sandwich, I focus on tearing it into strips. “I burst into tears, and he comforted me and then … I don’t know what happened, I-I must have fallen asleep on him. He sat with me all night,” I murmur the last part.
Mom’s hand shoots across the table to grip mine, stopping my assault on the wrapping paper. “Oh, sweetie.” She squeezes my hand and scoots closer, wrapping her arm around my shoulders. “You. Have. Been. Grieving the loss of your husband. The only man you’ve ever loved. The man you planned to grow old with. The father of your son. Your best friend.” She dips down to catch my eyes. “You have done your very best, and when you couldn’t, you’ve had people around you to fill in the gaps. Evan hasn’t been forgotten.”
“But I’ve been so selfish in my loss. I haven’t supported him the way I should have.” I beg her with my eyes to understand. “I failed him and I’ll never forgive myself.”
She sighs. “I’m going to let you in on a secret. Every single parent on this planet thinks they’ve failed their child or children for one reason or another. They focus on the mistakes they’ve made and forget to acknowledge all the things they get right every single day. It’s been like this since the dawn of time, and it will continue forever and a day.”
“But—”
She shakes her head adamantly. “No buts, Hope. You are no different from any other parent. Yes, you were deep in your grief for a long time, but you still got up every single day and cared for your son. You fed, clothed, and loved him. You made sure he spent time with friends and family. You ensure he plays sports, and you insist he spends time outside. You encourage and support him.” She rubs her hand up and down my back. “So stop this. You can’t change what’s been done. You need to start looking forward and focusing on building a future … whatever that may look like for you and Evan.”
“I’m worried I’ve screwed him up. Like he’ll have mommy issues and won’t pursue relationships because I wasn’t there for him emotionally during his formative years.” The thought that I’ve caused irreparable damage to my son crushes me under a weight I’m not sure I can carry.
Mom’s shoulders shake with a chuckle and pats my hand. “That’s every parent’s nightmare, Hope. He’ll be fine, but if you’re worried, why don’t you have a chat with him about all of this, and if you still think there’s an issue, you can always take him to counseling.” She sighs dramatically. “Keep in mind that losing his father will have a long-term impact on him. Of course it will. Nobody can deny that. But be logical and reasonable about how much blame you take for that impact.”
I understand what she’s saying. She’s more experienced with parenting than I am. She raised two kids and has helped raise my son too. But none of us grew up experiencing the same loss that Evan has, and I worry myself sick that the damage will be too much. But she’s right, I should talk with him about it and get him help if he needs it.
She studies me closely. “I’ve seen a drastic change in him since Ben came on the scene. I think he’s been good for Evan.” She pauses and clears her throat. “And maybe he’ll be good for you too … if you let him.”
If I let him.
To let him be good for me, I have to let go of my grief—and the promise I made to love Wyatt forever.