Chapter 36
36
HOPE
As I watch Evan play soccer with his friends, I blow out a long breath, relax my shoulders, and thank my lucky stars that it’s not Ben’s week to coach the kids. I need some space to think about things.
Evan passes the ball, and the boy who receives it kicks a goal. The kids run around like goofballs, and I leap to my feet to cheer for the boys. Evan’s gaze comes straight to me, and a bright smile lights up his face. I raise my hands higher, clapping so he can see how proud I am.
Maybe Mom’s right. I have shown up for Evan in all the ways that count. I may have been sad while doing it, but I was still always there for him.
The kids head for the center of the field, and I sit back on the hood of my car, a grin still stuck on my lips. My thoughts return to Ben and what happened this morning, and my neck and cheeks heat instantly as an ache builds between my thighs at the memory. I still can’t believe it happened, and while I got upset after the act, I can’t deny I enjoyed what we did—and would have done a lot more if my sensibilities hadn’t returned when they had.
Loud cheers erupt, and I focus back on the game. It looks like the other team scored a goal this time. Relieved that I missed nothing important, I return to my thoughts.
Ben’s made it clear he’s interested in a relationship with Evan and me … whenever I’m ready.
Can I let go of Wyatt to pursue something with Ben? That’s the million-dollar question.
I promised Wyatt I’d love him forever.
And I always intended to keep that promise.
But then Ben came along with his easy smiles and compassionate understanding. He’s woken a part of me I thought had died with my husband, and he makes me want to live again. He’s shown Evan and me nothing but patience and kindness. He’s brought fun back into our lives.
I glance across the field to Evan, and my lips tip up. He already loves Ben, but would he feel the same about him if we were dating? That’s very different from the arrangement in place now. I don’t want Evan to think I’m forgetting his father and leaving him behind, or that I’ve broken my promise.
I raise my hands and slide them through my hair, gripping the roots. Why does it have to be so hard? Why do I have to feel so torn?
My phone vibrates on the hood of my car, and my best friend’s face lights up the screen. Shame floods through my system like dirty oil. What would she think if she knew what happened between Ben and me when I’m supposed to be mourning her brother? If she knew I cheated on her brother when I promised him forever?
I swallow down my shame and answer. “Hey, Clara,” I say, as if it’s just like any other day.
“Hey. How are you?” she asks in a way that makes it difficult to gauge her mood.
“I’m good. Just watching Evan at soccer. How about you?” I lift my eyes and watch the boys run and kick the ball around.
I hear her blow out a long breath. “Great. That means you can talk, because I have so many questions.”
Shit . It’s never a good thing when she has questions. I tuck my hair behind my ear, and dread forms like a lead ball in my stomach. I’ve never kept anything from her in the past, but I’m not sure I can share this. “What about?” I know exactly what she has questions about, but if I act ignorant, maybe I can avoid this discussion.
She chuckles. “I think you know, but I’ll spell it out for you. B. E. N.” Her sigh is so dramatic, I can’t miss it over the cheering from the other team as they score another goal. I watch Evan’s shoulders slump and roll forward. “His eyes were glued to you the entire time he was at the party, and don’t even get me started on the fact that he was still there when your mom and dad left. Yes. I talked to your mom last night.” She sounds so excited, almost like how she was when I finally fessed up to crushing on her big brother.
“Evan invited him to his party, and he stayed behind to help clean up because he likes to be helpful.” I keep my voice steady, hopeful she doesn’t detect the lie. Thankful she hasn’t spoken to Mom today.
“Sure. Yeah. That’s totally … you know what, I’m not playing your game, girly. He’s totally into you. Whether he’s Evan’s friend or not is irrelevant. He could not keep his eyes off of you. And when you were within three feet of him, I watched him clench his hands, as if he were holding himself back. You can lie to yourself all you like, but I know what I saw. Now, I want to know what you’re doing about it?”
I narrow my eyes as I look across the field. “Well, I’m not going to stop Evan from being friends with Ben. He’s been a wonderful influence, and Evan loves him and his dog, Rex.”
She tsks rather loudly. “You know that’s not what I’m asking. Stop being so obtuse. The way you’re deflecting tells me you’re hiding something.” Her voice softens. “We’ve been friends for too long for you to be able to hide stuff from me. Talk to me, Hope,” she cajoles softly.
The backs of my eyes sting, and I blink quickly to stem the tears that want to fall when I hear the softness in her voice.
“I cheated.” The words gush out of me, and I’m washed under a wave of guilt and shame. I claw for the surface, but I can’t make headway. It feels as though the pressure is squeezing all the oxygen out of my lungs, and I’m struggling to breathe.
“On Ben?” Confusion is thick in her voice, and I can imagine her tilting her head to the side and chewing on her nail as she tries to make sense of what I said.
I shake my head and grip my locks, sucking in a sharp breath. “No. Wyatt. I cheated on Wyatt with Ben.”
I’m not gonna lie, as wrong as it is, it also feels good to get it off my chest. It’s been eating away at me since the first time I pressed my mouth to his. Even before that … when I had that dream. But telling Wyatt’s sister that I cheated on her brother is all kinds of messed up. I press the heel of my hand against my forehead, trying to stem the pressure building there.
“Aww. Honey. You didn’t cheat on Wyatt,” she whispers.
The half-time whistle blows and I watch the boys walk off the field to grab a drink. My eyes burn and my nose fizzes with the telltale sign I won’t be able to hold back the tears this time. They well in my eyes and drop over my bottom lashes. I furiously swipe them away, tired of them.
Tired of the buildup of emotions.
Tired of feeling too much … too little.
Tired of the overwhelming hole in my chest where my heart used to beat for Wyatt.
Tired of feeling so damn broken.
“Hope,” Clara says my name, bringing my focus back to our call. “None of us expect you to be alone for the rest of your life. Wyatt wouldn’t expect you to be alone. Mom and Dad don’t. I don’t. You’re the only one who thinks that way and you’re too young to think that way,” she says in a tone that can’t be misconstrued as anything other than the truth. “You can’t possibly think anyone would begrudge you finding happiness after everything. After all these years. You were the best thing to ever happen to my brother. You were a fantastic wife, and you gave him the greatest gift … a son. You made my brother so happy.”
A sob bursts past my lips, and I look around me, embarrassed. Slipping off the hood of my car, I climb inside, where I can have some semblance of privacy.
“He would hate that you’re not allowing yourself the opportunity to find happiness with someone else,” she murmurs.
“I-it just feels so wrong, Clara. On so many levels.” I look out of the windshield, not really seeing anything.
Fabric rustles and a chair scrapes across the floor over the phone. “Tell me about the levels that feel wrong.”
Waving my hand around the interior of my car like a crazy person, I snap. “Well, talking to you about a man other than Wyatt, for starters. Inviting a man who isn’t Evan’s father into our home to spend time with our son. A man who’s made it clear he’ll wait as long as it takes for me to be ready to date. Kissing that man in the house that Wyatt paid for—and continues to pay for.”
Clara sucks in a sharp breath.
“Having sexual dreams and thoughts about a man other than my husband in the bed that I shared with my husband. Appreciating the way another man looks. Wanting him to touch me … to kiss me. It’s wrong. All of it. It’s just wrong,” I sob, then gasp in a harsh breath. “Breaking my promise to the man I married,” I whisper. Broken. There’s no stopping the cascade of tears that flood my cheeks. “It’s all so wrong. He was supposed to be my first and my only,” I say brokenly.
Silence fills the space between me and Clara as I cry. Dropping my head back on the seat, I look up at the roof of my car, hoping the change in angle will stop the tears from falling. All it does is change their direction so they fall down the side of my face and into my hair.
“None of it’s wrong, honey,” she whispers. “I promise.” She blows out a long breath over the phone. “If Wyatt were still here, he would be your one and only, but he’s gone, and he’s not coming home.” Her words stab me painfully. “He wouldn’t want you to hold true to your promise to him.”
“That’s what everyone says, so why does it feel that way for me?” I sigh. “Why am I having so much trouble reconciling what everyone else tells me and what my heart feels?”
She blows out a long breath. “I think it’s easier for us to say these things because we haven’t experienced the same loss you have but we want you to be happy. I lost my brother, and I feel it every day. It’s like there’s this missing piece of me. But I didn’t lose my life partner or the father of my child, and neither has anyone else in our circle. I can’t imagine the depth of your devastation. It’s not like you guys fought or the relationship turned sour. You guys loved each other deeply; you were happy. It’s not like you got to choose to end your relationship. That has to leave deep scars on your heart. You have to learn to exist without him, Hope. You have to learn to love again with those scars on your heart.”
“I’m tr-trying my best.”
“We know you are. But you need to stop getting in your own way. You’re allowed to live again, Hope. It’s what we all want for you. Wyatt would want you to. And whether that be with Ben or someone else, we all want you to be happy.” She pauses for a long while, and I think that’s the end of it. “If you need our permission to move on, you have it.”
It feels like the world falls out from beneath me, and I gasp in a breath, but there’s not enough oxygen inside the car. I rush to open my door to get more air into the car to help regulate my breathing. Cool air rushes over me, and it’s exactly what I need. I gulp in oxygen like I’m about to do a deep dive, filling my lungs with cool, fresh air. My eyes water, and I swallow past the thickness in my throat.
Is that what I’ve needed?
To know Wyatt’s family will accept me moving on with another relationship?
The thought hadn’t even crossed my mind, but the pressure that’s lifted from my chest makes me believe maybe it’s been lurking in the back of my mind. I know I want to keep my promise … my vow to my first love, but maybe my struggle has been compounded by my worry about their reaction to me moving on.
“Hope?” Clara sounds uncertain as she calls my name. “You gonna be okay? I can come over.”
I gather my composure. “I’m okay.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah. Promise.”
“I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“I know.”
“For what it’s worth, we all like Ben, and I think Wyatt would like him for you and Evan.”
I tip my head back again and press my lips together, nodding in agreement even though she can’t see me. “Thanks, Clara.”
I think Wyatt would, too. Ben’s so good with Evan and so patient with me. He brings fun back into our lives, which was something Wyatt always tried to do whenever he was home. And most importantly, Ben doesn’t look at us like we’re broken.
“Any time, my friend. I gotta go, but I can come over later if you want.”
“Thanks, but I’m okay.”
We say goodbye, and when I look back out at the field, the game has ended and the kids are shaking hands.