CHAPTER FORTY-ONE Cooper
Iremained in the car after my mother pulled into the parking lot of the grocery store where Mikey worked. I immediately noticed him running groceries to a customer’s car. He hadn’t spotted me.
“Didn’t Mike miss school today?” Mom asked when she recognized him pushing an empty cart back to the store.
“Yeah, he did,” I mumbled, scooting lower in my seat. I hated feeling so anxious seeing him. This was how it would go from now on. He hadn’t called or texted and I hadn’t either, which has never happened between us.
“Coming in?” she asked.
“I’d rather not.”
“What’s going on? Do we need to talk about the two of you?” Mom asked, sniffing out drama better than a hound chasing a coon ever could. “Does this have something to do with this morning’s chat?”
“I’d rather not do that either, Mom, if that’s okay?”
“What did you say to Mike?” she asked.
“God, Mom! Why do you assume it’s me?” I asked, resenting that she always took Mikey’s side.
“Because Mike is much more laid back than you, Cooper. And you were acting funny this morning,” she stated. “Are you pressuring him, honey?”
“Pressuring him to do what?”
“You seemed confused about whether you were or weren’t going to prom, and then asked me about people changing their minds and other things,” she began. “Did you overstep boundaries with Mike?”
“Oh, I see,” I said, raising my voice in anger. “I overstepped. It’d have to be me because Mikey would never do such a thing.”
“Well?”
“For your information, Mom. Mikey overstepped. How about that?” I asked, looking away and chewing on my lower lip as I stared out the window.
I never raised my voice at my parents and I was immediately disappointed by my behavior.
“I’m sorry for raising my voice,” I offered.
“But Mikey did something this time, Mom, not me.”
“And what would that be?” she asked, still suspicious I’d over thought something.
“He told me he’s gay and he wants to be with me.”
She stared at me in disbelief.
“Don’t look so shocked. I’m serious, he did.”
“What about . . .?” she began. “And . . .” She couldn’t gather her train of thoughts.
“I know, Mom,” I soothed. “I know.”
“What are you going . . .?” She stopped speaking.
I assumed she was going to ask what I was going to do. “I don’t know, Mom,” I cut in after her thoughts got derailed again. “We had a disagreement afterwards, so we aren’t speaking,” I updated her.
“Does Kathleen know?” she asked, searching for some kind of solid footing, something a mother could grasp ahold of after hearing the stunning news. “I mean, does she even know?”
“I’m going to assume she does. Mikey and her talk about everything. You know how Mrs. H. is. She’s into expression and truth. Nothing bothers her.”
“I’m not bothered,” she argued.
“I know that, Mom. That’s not what I meant,” I responded. “Can we calm down for a second? I’m the one that should be freaking out.”
We watched from a distance while Mikey exited the store with another customer. He was with our neighbor, Mr. Peterson. This time Mikey noticed us in Mom’s car. He tilted his head toward us and waved.
“Should we go home?” Mom asked.
“That’d be weird, Mom. Can you please just go in? I’ll talk with him.”
“Will you be okay, honey?”
“It’s Mikey, Mom.”
“Of course it is,” she agreed, patting my leg. “Talk later?”
“Talk later,” I agreed. “Go ahead and go in please,” I added while Mikey assisted Mr. Peterson.
Mom hurried into the store, nervously glancing over her shoulder three separate times. Good job, Mom. Act normal.
I hopped out of the car and waited for Mikey while he held a conversation with Mr. Peterson.
The usual ache that often set up shop in my heart was back.
There are things in life that people covet or desire so strongly that a physical response to loss is not uncommon.
I was in that category. In my inexperienced mind, Mike Hill was everything that I wanted in a lifetime mate.
I think I figured that out when I was about twelve which was when I saw him as someone other than a friend.
The longing and love I felt was overwhelming from that day on.
I’m not embarrassed to say that he was my breath, my life, the one thing I thought about nonstop.
I couldn’t imagine my life without Mikey.
So far, I’d been able to suppress my desire in exchange for what he could give.
After knowing that there was a possibility that he felt the same way, our friendship would be different, maybe impossible for me now.
Mikey strode over in that masculine dude-walk sorta way that drove me wild.
He was such a guy and I guess that was a whole heap of my attraction to him.
His appeal was his walk, his demeanor, that had recently been hitting me in areas I’d never recognized.
He was handsome in khakis and a short sleeve button-down with the top unbuttoned at the collar and a loose tie reaching toward his belt.
He was boyish and he took my breath away.
A fresh stab hit me square in the heart.
“Hi,” I said, when he walked up smiling. “How’s work today?”
“It’s okay.” He had trouble making eye contact. This was it. The beginning of the end.
“Jennifer said you were sick,” I said.
“Yeah. I had Mom tell her that,” he answered, raising his eyes from the pavement and watching me carefully, testing my mood I suppose. “I’m not though.”
“That’s good,” I said. “I was worried.”
“You were,” he asked, lighting up and jamming his hands into his pockets. “Thanks,” he added. “I was worried too.”
“About?” I inquired.
“You. Us,” he began. “Yeah, maybe more about us, I guess.”
We stood two feet apart yet the distance felt like miles. “You were?”
“Mmmm-hmm,” he mumbled, fidgeting uncomfortably. “I’m sorry, Coop.” Mikey’s eyes filled and he hiccuped.
“I’m not mad anymore, Mikey. I know you were just confused about what you said and all.”
“You do?” he asked. “Not my finest hour, huh?”
“Or mine,” I agreed.
“You want to talk about it?” he asked, looking toward the market, checking to see if his boss was watching. “We can if you want to.”
“How about we don’t,” I said, smiling and hoping we could go back to us. “I’m okay if you are.”
“Sure. Yeah. That’d be okay too.”
“Okay. Good then,” I said, wishing my mother would hurry up and save me from this agonizing moment. “See you at school tomorrow?”
He appeared saddened by my question. “I could come over tonight after work. I’m off at eight,” he quickly suggested.
“That’s okay,” I answered.
“Or you could come over to my house if you prefer?” he asked. “I bet Mom would like to see you,” he added.
“Maybe another night?”
“Sure. Yeah, another night, buddy,” he agreed. And just like that, we were back to buddies.
Neither of us moved. I was just trying not to run into his arms and cry. He seemed sad. Mikey looked away and wiped at his eyes. The movement caused a release from mine and my throat clenched shut like it was prone to do when I couldn’t express my emotions.
“Okay then,” I whispered. I turned back to Mom’s car.
“Cooper?”
I quickly turned back.
“I . . . I . . .” He couldn’t finish.
I nodded slowly after he got bogged down with whatever he wanted to say and turned back to the car before he saw my tears.
I opened the door but waited to see if he finished his thought.
He couldn’t so I got in and closed the door.
I didn’t dare look at him as he lingered for a moment near the car. He finally walked away.
The degree of pain I felt was beyond words.
I was literally ripped open, exposed, and left completely alone.
A lifetime of love and friendship yanked out from under me because I’d believed he wanted me the way I wanted him.
At the first sign of interest, I’d jumped at the chance without asking more questions, subsequently losing the only thing that mattered to me, him.
Tomorrow was a new day. I hoped we’d find our way back to our friendship.